Hubby Issues...Loss of communication and Video games...

Brittney - posted on 09/27/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm having trouble with my husband being honest with me...we have two beautiful little boys and live in a little apartment together. He is a student at the moment, and neither of us are working right now (I am exclusively breastfeeding out 3 month old son and plan to go back to work in about 3 more months if I need to. My Hubby will wake up specifically in the middle of the night and play video games into early morning. (I want to actually sleep in the same bed as my husband...it's something that I consider special)...He's either gone at school (either until 3 in the afternoon or for 2-3 hrs each day) when he comes home he either does homework...or plays video games >_<. I want him to interact with me and our sons...he does help me sometimes, but I still am feeling overwhelmed with taking care of 2 little ones...we just moved into our new apartment and its hard to keep the apartment clean when theres still things to unpack. (My husband doesnt care if the house is a mess...but for ME its VERY stressful to be in a mess environment. This week he told me he has a sore throat...and he used that sore throat to either sleep when he gets home (he sleeps for hours after class whether it was one hour long or 5) I try to be sweet and understanding...so I really do my best not to complain even though it really bothers me...I feel like he could be helping me more with our boys...helping me clean or at the least not give me more work to do (like leaving clothes all over the place or not helping with any cleaning other that his own laundry). I offered genuinely multiple times to make him soup, make him tea, give him apple cider vinigar and garlic (natural health remedies) so that his sore throat "sickness" thats supposedly the reason he's in bed so much will get better and go away...but he refuses all those attemps...and instead will sleep. I told him I feel like we're losing communicati on with eachother...and I'm concerned about it...I cry too often I feel...and I find myself wanting to just get away from him so that I'm not in this awkward feeling of being in the same home with him when he's physically here...but mentally gone from us. Right now I'm writing this because as I woke up at 6:30 to nurse my little one I noticed him standing in front of the bathroom...sleepily I said "Baby what are you doing? Come to bed, theres room next to me" he didn't say anything to me and just went into the bathroom...I fell asleep for a little bit but then woke up to find that he still wasn't in bed with me...I found him in the office playing his video game instead. I don't know what to do, I try so hard to be understanding but I think he's deppressed...or that theres something he's not telling me...either way I want to fix things but don't know how. Any advice would be SO greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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Ebony - posted on 09/27/2013

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Hello,
As I read ur posting it touched my heart because me and my husband have been through so much and this issue ur explaining I have felt before too. Communication, as u know, is huge part of a marriage. I agree with what you said that there is a deeper problem that he is not telling you. Something is going on with him. Have u sat down with him and told him everything about how u r feeling, how he is making you feel, etc? I'm learning that for a man not to work and still have to provide for his family does a lot to his ego as well as ur husband is in school too. He has a lot on his plate. I would say just put everything out and see where it goes? See if he will open up to u. I pray that all works out for u and ur family. Sad but true, once u and ur husband pass this issue there will something else to deal with. Marriage alone is HARD!!!!!!
Wish u guys the best!!

Alison - posted on 09/27/2013

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I didn't know that video would embed (I reference it down below) Screen time can be very addictive and make people lose touch with the real world. Maybe he also struggles with time management. Maybe you could plan a date every week or month--something he'd really like that has nothing to do with movies or video games (dress up and make it seem special even if it has to be cheap or free)--and give him lots of positive reinforcement like you would a child whenever he goes on a date with you or picks up anything or plays with your children: like I love seeing our baby smile for you. This was just what I needed, I missed having dates with you. Thanks for studying so hard so you can get a good job when you're done with school. Thanks for clearing your plate etc. You could call positive reinforcement and date night mission phase 1. After a few months, if things haven't improved at all, you could tell him how you feel about video games replacing time with you and your kids and ask if he could keep it to 1-2 hours a day. You could try and sneak in this video for him to watch sometime:
It's from my church so it has some spiritual stuff at the end (good spiritual stuff, but just giving fair warning), but it's about how when technology when used too often or inappropriately takes away from meaningful relationships and such. It's really good.
I would give that a few months gently reminding him when he's been playing video games for too long and trying to get him to do other things like board games, taking kids to the park etc, picking out a daycare for your little one if you end up going back to work. If things don't improve after that, I think phase 3 might have to be an ultimatum like being separated for a while to give him a wake up call or at least letting him know you're not his maid and that he needs to do his own laundry, make his own food etc until he starts acting like you're a team and pitching in with the kids and such. You could also see if he'd go to counseling with you or by himself. good luck.

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Brittney - posted on 09/27/2013

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Thank you very much! I'll try phase one and hope things improve. I love my hubby, I'm just hoping things don't keep getting in the way of our communication a husband and wife as I find it to be vital. Ty again!!! ♥

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