Hubby thinks I don't do enough cleaning...

Leah - posted on 09/14/2011 ( 48 moms have responded )

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I have been a SAHM since the end of 2008 when I was pregnant with my second son. It was an adjustment to say the least, but I feel like I've learned a lot about time managment...lol However, my husband says I should have things "done, done". No dishes in the sink, no clothes in the dryer, no dog hair on the floor kind of done. Yet, he comes home to a warm meal, happy kids, and a reasonably picked up house. I'll be the first to admit that my house isn't spotless. But, I do a lot of other things besides general cleaning. For instance I do all the financial planning and bill paying. I fix things around the house. I just packed up almost a whole house by myself and moved two states away without much help while my husbands job was relocated. I'm just curious what kinds of things should I expect from my husband? We rent now so there isn't much to be done in way of yard work. (Except clean up the dog poo, which he rarely does.) After the shopping, cleaning, paying bills, what's left for him to do besides work? I can't even get him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper! Can we say double standard?

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Brianna - posted on 09/14/2011

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lol total double standard. my husband used to be really bad for acting like that but its gotten better now.. i found having a one of those boards hanging on my fridge what u can write on with a washable marker and write a list of every lil thing i did during the day on it he notice like duh i guess she really does do things all day lol. ill right make breakfast, make lunch, prep for dinner, make dinner, clean toliet, wash floor, work with abcs with taylor, ect...

Julie - posted on 11/25/2012

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I have 4 boys and am a SAHM. I clean my home constantly, cook, make beds, do all the laundry, you name it, I do it. Yesterday I cleaned the whole house spotless and let the boys help me decorate the house for Christmas. The house looked great. But later last night my husband flipped out on me that he felt the toilets were not clean enough and tried grabbing my hand and pulling me in the bathroom to show me what I missed. I told him if that was the only thing he has to complain about then he should be happy...he called me names and stormed out of the house. I have not heard from him since last night at 11pm. Isn't this just to extreme? My toilets are not disgusting but I do have 5 penis's in this house....sometimes it is hard to keep up! Does anyone understand?

Christina - posted on 10/24/2011

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Guys gotta understand, what it comes down to is this.. if you have kids there will ALWAYS be some kinda mess in the house at every age! If he is working and you're home taking care of young ones who aren't really old enough to help there is NO WAY everything is gonna get done in one day, maybe not even one week! Thats life. You want kids you get messes, you want pets you get pet hair and have to dish out for a really good vac. But we as wives should learn to be thankful in our lives too! For those of us lucky enough to have hard working and loving husbands and fathers instead of dead beats or abusers like so many other women, we should thank our stars everyday.

My husband is annoying, he complains about the house near everyday but when it boils down to it I've been really blessed with my lot in life because that's as bad as it gets...



We all should vent, but we all should let go of the annoyances too and find joy in our day. No point growing old and bitter early!!

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2011

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My husband is the same way! I can clean and clean and it still is not good enough for him! He is an ASSHOLE! I am a SAHM that cleans, tries to work from home and I volunteer at my daughters school. No matter if I clean and clean -- he still bitches!

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You're his wife and the mother of his children, not his slave. If he doesn't want to see dishes in the sink -- well, he has arms, doesn't he?



Maybe you could go to his job and start criticizing him. Those reports aren't "done, done." And the money you bring home? Not enough, enough.

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Katherine - posted on 11/25/2012

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Wow Julie....sounds like a lot more than just an uncleaned toilet going on.

Allie - posted on 10/25/2011

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Tell him he has hands and can pick up your slack! lol My husband doesn't expect a spotless house so thats good for me, but I do try and keep it as clean as possible. I only have one son (3yrs old) but he has to clean up his toys (if they're in a main living area) and put them in his bedroom. His room isn't always spotless but he has to clean it himself most days and then about once a week we do a big clean to organize (put blocks with blocks, dress up with dress up etc.) dust, sweep (wood floors), and vacuum carpet.
I do work 1-2days a week (at a church nursery, I take my son with me), I'm in school, and my son goes to preschool, so my husband does try and help, kind of. I'm to the point where I'm about to start working more (from home but still working) and so I'm going to write out weekly chores and split them up. So he'll have his set of 'expected chores' and I'll have mine plus grocery shopping, and financial planning/bill pay.

Karon - posted on 10/25/2011

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My husband is the same.. I just remind him that my 1st priority is our 14 mnth old son and if he wants to play, we play. I do have a weekly schedule that I try to stick to. There are those days that I do get everything done.. Just not that often.

User - posted on 10/24/2011

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Some husbands don't understand that being a SAHM doesn't mean we are their maid. I do whatever I can (laundry, floor, dishes, dog poo, dog grooming, mopping, vaccumming, etc) but sometimes I wake up tired because bub had a bad night and say 'stuff it' and just nap whenever I can. And he cooks most nights too as I'm on a diet and he doesn't want to it what I eat. He is very understanding and doesn't push me because he understands that a happy, well adjusted and rested mummy means a happy baby because we have more to give when we are rested and happy. But some of my friends said that since they started staying at home their husbands don't even take their dirty dishes back to the sink(!!!) or leave their stuff all over for them to pick up. BIG no no. We are mums and housekeepers, not maids or slaves, their help is still necessary.

Antigoni - posted on 10/24/2011

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I am in the same boat.. I have a 4 year old and a pair of 2 year olds... They hate staying i the house, so as soon as breakfast is done and the big one is off to school, we go to the library, the bookstore, the park.. a lot of the time the cleaning is the last thing on your mind.. They have to understand that children are WORK... HARD WORK, and if they expect everything to be done done, they better be ready to lift a finger every once in a while when they get home.

Kayla - posted on 10/22/2011

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Personally, I would tell him to stop his complaining and appreciate what you are doing! If my fiance ever said I don't do enough work around the house, I am not even joking, I would tell him to shove it up his butt lol People who are not stay at home moms or dads don't realize how tough it actually is. It's not like we sit at home watching soap operas all day long, most of us do everything around the house as well as raising the kids. Yes, it's tough and tiring for those who work a full time job outside the home, but it's just as tough and tiring to work inside the home and way more than 40 hours a week.

Ronda - posted on 10/22/2011

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My husband is the same exact way! I can have the house completely spotless and he would still comlain.

Lisa - posted on 10/20/2011

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Yep it is a double standard. When I was in the hospital after my c-section for our third child, hubby was supposed to be at the hospital at noon to take us home. I called and asked where he was and he said, "We're on our way, do you have any idea what it's like trying to get anything done with these two at your feet all day!" My reply, "Nope, not a clue."

When we finally got home, there was approximately 12 loads of laundry and every square in of countertop was covered in dishes, some clean, some dirty. I start folding laundry and his mother came in and yelled at me and I said you haven't seen the kitchen yet. She walked into the kitchen and gasped and it took her 2 1/2 hours to clean the kitchen.

Never heard another complaint out of him about what I do/do not accomplish during the day or the state of affairs at our household. :)

Christina - posted on 10/20/2011

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Hey I know your pain full on. I have a 20mo old daughter and we call her hurricane Kalli cuz 2 seconds (literally i've timed it) after I clean up her toys... they are EVERYWHERE. I vaccume 2-3 times a day sometimes. I do all the dishes, cleaning, laundry, taking the trash out and even dragging our cans to the ally! The only job he has that I even try to make him do is the dehumidifier in the basement and he hasn't done that all year, thank God no mold has started growing. He does the same thing, complains about the house being "filthy" NO one, not even his friends agree with him lol just himself. Oh and heaven forbid I ask him to do anything on his off days, he NEEDS those. I've asked him before when I'm supposed to get an off day and he goes "well you picked this job" or tells me to take her to my Mom's which just means he wants alone time that most of the time i'm to tired for or he has aggrivated me to the point i just dont want it lol. And on top of things I do the grocery shopping, the running errands, all the meals, our daughter is still nursing so about 20mins at 9am and 1pm each is devoted to nursing her to sleep for nap time, and during the week i also have things like lessons at the pregnancy center (which has made it where we've only ever bought 3 packs of diapers and i get no credit on the saved $$), socials for our daughter 2 times a month for Early Head Start and weekly Early Head Start visits! We only have on car right now, and its getting cold so when i have things to do that also means i gotta take him to work, pick him up at 12n for lunch, feed him, get him back just before 1pm, and pick him up again at 4pm... >.< and Kalli is a homeschool baby so I spend lots of time with her on various things from counting, abc's, colors, to fun stuff, to learning things like feeding our cat, picking up toys, sorting her laundry, and cleaning up her mess on the table.. and so on

No credit, no matter how nice the house looks! I picked up a book a while back though that really helped me out called Created to be his Help Meet, and its really helped me to learn to not let the stuff get to me as bad. We don't fight as much, if i gotta do something he should I do it and let him twist in the wind when he realizes how much extra was dumped on me for his lack of doing it. He's made a good few changes but its still, and always will be, a work in progress. I just keep in mind that I work so hard, with or without the credit, because I love my family and in the end its all worth it. Some days it gets to me really bad and i tell him off and explain why... he typically sits for an hour or so and applogizes and later things change just a lil but every inch counts!

Its a complete double standard, but keep your head up! September, my husband missed a month of work due to migraines and he saw how much effort i put into everything around this house, from teh every day stuff i do to the extra stuff for when we need help. From getting assistance for bills, food, fighting with the doctors he couldn't, getting him a neurologists appointment and getting him to it since we didn't have a vehicle that would make it 2hrs away or the gas for the drive, and tons of other crap. He's realized the house gets a lil messy but i break my back for my family out of love. I hope it doesn't take something like that for you but... keep going, be thankful, keep smiling, and you'll make it!

Shannon - posted on 10/19/2011

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Husbands will never say it out loud but they really do think stay at home moms have it easy because we dont HAVE to leave the house. Therefore men rationalize that going to work is all they have to do. I clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the kids, change the diapers, potty train my son, displine the children, do bath-time, do homework with my 1st grade son, take out the trash, and pay the bills. He also expects dinner when he gets home. It definatly is a thankless job. If there is such a man who understands what we SAHM's go through he's a keeper-in-a-half lol

Autumn - posted on 10/15/2011

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Stop "doing" for about 2 weeks and let him see how much you "do." I did!!!

Sheri - posted on 10/15/2011

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to all the moms that work day and nite. my hubby helps me out around the house,but how i got him to do it i went on strick on the weekend i told him if he doesnt think i work hard enough i told him to do it. i made a list of everything i do daily and told him he has to get it done by the kids .bed .t.ime.. well let me say he couldnt get it done and then he started to help me out on his days off and stooped saying anything on how the house was. one funny thing is his days off is on sundays and mondays so he had a full day of kids and a full day of running with the house he died at nite. but i still cant get him to pick up his clothes but he doesnt say nothing. so im not saying to do it butthink of something like this and mayb if he has to do everything he might see what you do do during the day.

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2011

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He hates the food I cook! I am never doing a good job at cleaning or cooking for him. I have been a SAHM since 2005 of October. My daughters were born in Jan of 2006. He has bitched and bitched at me for not having a job since my daughters were infants. ( I mean since they have been home from the hospital and he has not stopped yet!~) The girls are 7 years old! One of my daughters was born with torticolis and the other is fine. (They are twins) My daughter with torticolis was in therapy until this coming November and then she will be done! They are above average in school also! Because, I stay home with them and work with them! I worked in Special Education for 5 years and Early Childhood for 2 1/2 years - so, I work with my daughters!

Jennifer - posted on 10/05/2011

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Give him a regular To-Do list at home, like a kid with daily chores, and make it short and simple, no more than 5 things. For yourself, focus on one room at a time, and get it done, done. If not all the rooms are DD, then have your hubby do the rest of it; that is, push the vacuum around, switch out the dishwasher, clean up doggie poop. That way, you can it more in hand, and he will help finish; win-win!

Jennifer - posted on 10/05/2011

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I don't mean to sound better-than-you, honest, but I have a super husband who although for the most part is "too tired & stressed" to help during the week, he doesn't complain if the laundry isn't all folded or the dishes in the washer. Example, I got home late the other day from running errands, and he decided to get dinner started, to help me out. However, he did have the overflowing laundry baskets by the washer waiting for me! So, he tried to do his (limited) share of helping.

Laural - posted on 09/26/2011

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Do all the cooking and cleaning. Keep the house spotless. Then tell him you are "too tired" for anything else.

Kelly - posted on 09/24/2011

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I totally get what you mean!! My husband is the same way! I clean, clean, clean and make supper and whatever else needs to be done with being a sahm and he has still come home and asked me: "What did you do today?" and i would tell him exactly everything I did and he would say: "mmm hmmm, sure you did. it doesn't take all day to clean a whole house..." And i used to let it go for about a week and he'd get annoyed with everything and start cleaning up himself. I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. It definitely not easy!! It is definitely a double standard!! Being a sahm is the hardest job ever!! If I were you, I would your hubby home with the kids and go spend a day out by yourself and maybe even have some girl time!!

J - posted on 09/23/2011

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I feel your husband should appreciate what you do, do. Especially if he does not take the initiative to lend a helping hand every once and a while. offer to take the kids off your hands so you can get a moments piece. If you have pets and kids you house will never be spotless but if it is decently cleaned and the dishes are done dinner is made and laundry is getting done he should be happy. We are housekeepers, chefs, drycleaners, teachers, nurses, and some time students ourselves. they think all we do is sit around all day twiddling our thumbs, but there is much more we do as well as it never stops. I can't even get my husband to clean our back yard full of dog poop. he wanted the second dog but i feed it walk it, and clean up after it. yes he works a day is complains he's tired but i work as well and go to school. i tell him i would trade jobs in a heart beat but im such a control freak that when i have to leave to go to night class i still try to prep dinner all he has to do is cook it. And I still come back to a sink full of dishes and an unpicked up house.

Denise - posted on 09/22/2011

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You know what really pisses me off the most, how men shave and leave the hairs in the sink, clip the toenails and leave the clippings on the floor, and oh gosh the urine on the toilet seat.....Freaking hideous.; I'm gonna start doing that to him and see how he likes it!

Nancy - posted on 09/21/2011

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My husband doesn't say too much but he communicates with actions... for instance.... he'll bring down baskets of dirty laundry when it's laundry time. Hint...hint...

Nancy - posted on 09/21/2011

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good for you! I hate it when husbands think we have it better than them just because we're SAHMs. Your job is HARDER than his!

Stifler's - posted on 09/20/2011

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I make mine take out the bin, do yard work, wash the car, change lightbulbs, bath the kids, help me tidy the house up before bed, help with dinner sometimes. He has no right to complain about the house, tell him to shut it.

Sueha - posted on 09/20/2011

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My husband use to complain too. He even use to call me lazy sometimes. Then I decided NOT TO TOUCH A THING IN THE HOUSE ONE DAY! He came home and was like WHAT HAPPENED? I was like this is what it looks like during the day. I decided to be LAZY today and not do anything. LOOOL He couldn't believe how the house looked for one day i didn't do anything. i have three kids and they get into EVERYTHING! so he backed off a little with the complaining. If i don't get to the laundry today, i'll get to it tomorrow. There is no big hurry to do everything in one day. Pick up around the house and pick one room to concentrate ur time on each day. Today i'm deep cleaning the kitchen, yesterday i spent 2 hours in the kids rooms, and tomorrow its my room. Good luck cause men think they are the only ones who actually work during the day.

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That is just ridiculous how he "expects" that. I bet if you left him home for a weekend with a list of things to do (that you do EVERYDAY) he'd be in WAY over his head and still wont admit it just so he could belittle what you do. (because thats how much of a jerk he sounds) Sometimes I get stressed out with homeschooling my adhd 7 year old, caring for my 16 mo and 1 mo, making dinner and cleaning and all other duties that come with being a SAHM. My husband always reassures me that the house doesnt always have to be cleaned. He says as long as our children are happy and fed is all he cares about. You need to seriously have a talk with your husband!! He needs to help out a couple times a week. My husband takes out the garbage, fixes things around the house, hung up all the pictures on the walls (we just bought our home 3 months ago), he'll do laundry and clean the kitchen every once in a while. If dinner isnt made when he gets home, he'll offer to cook something. Last night he heard it from me because I went to the grocery store alone and when I came home he didn't offer to help unpack he just continued watching tv. He quickly apologized (I know he wont forget to help next time). You husband should be doing a lot more then just work,come home and i imagine getting his "own time" by sitting in front of the couch. If that is the case...you don't get alone time, NEITHER does he!! You need to stand your ground and put your foot down. I'm suggesting you have a talk ASAP.

Hayley - posted on 09/16/2011

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my husband works and thinks that all he should do lol! im a stay at home mum to 4 kids ( 8yrs/6yrs/2yrs and 1yrs old) do all the cooking/cleaning.. well everything really, and when we get in to disagreements all he says to me is your jobs easy,you dont do anything lol!! (at this point i wanna smack him lol) i think to my self i look after 4 kids, take 2 to and from school, do homework/washing/cook/clean etc and thats nothing, if only men knew,we had an argument he other night about him dumping his clothes on the floor constantly and never picking up after himself, so i made it clear i wont be doing it anymore, so im leaving that, lawn mowing, taking bin out, and cleaning windows to him, and ill make him cook every now and then, and of couse spend time with the kids xx

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@ Denise ---If I were you Id tell your husband "if you want a damn dog get one, im your wife treat me like it or leave" But that's me, he sounds like my sisters useless soon to be ex.

Denise - posted on 09/15/2011

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My husband is the kind of man who is never satisfied even when things get done in his presence. The other night I cleaned up the kitchen and left everything in working order for the following morning, he however decided that my work was not done. He decided to make soup share with the kids give them saltine crackers which ended up on the floor; then he took the liberty to empty his plate in the trash missing it by an inch or two and getting creme of brocolli soup all over the floor. Looked at it and said oh well! The table was left smothered in this soup with crackers all over it and I left it that way. He didn't have an ounce in his body of compassion for me to even clean up his mess. This isn't the only horror I endure on a daily basis, but tomorrow is another day! The kids are second to him and because there isn't any fatherly example radiating from him, they do as he does. They know mom's tired, they know mom busted her rear end all day, but hey who gives a hoot let her do some more right? I say no, yet they continue on with it and if I walk away from the disaster I somehow come back to mayhem. When the crap hits the fan he then starts to complain and well the vicious mommy cycle starts all over again. Is anyone going through this?

Sal - posted on 09/15/2011

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i think you have just got your words out of order, it should be 'my hubby doesn't think enough about cleaning' none of them do, no real concept of what gets done or needs to get done, my wonderful hubby this morning washed up.....really awsome for me,but now feels pretty chuffed with him self.....at the same time, i washed 2loads and hung 1 of washing, dressed and done 2 girls hair.,have kids breakfast, had my own breaky, stripped the little ones bed, packed school lunches, and played in com, cleaned the loos, changed toilet paper ......and no there was not a mountain of dishes, just a few......

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Its like my husband tells me, "Me, and us" time will come later once the kids are either grown or able to be left alone lol.

Leah - posted on 09/15/2011

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LOL, All you awesome Ladies are hilarious ;) I feel so much better just knowing that I'm either not the only one or that what I do accomplish is (or should be) enough. We lived apart Mon-Fri while he transitioned into his new job here and he never once took out the garbage! For a whole year! I would come for a weekend or something and clean toilets and vacuum or even mop! He still has the nerve to bring up the fact that when he came home on the weekends I would "force" the kids on him. You're darn right! I feel like I do so much, but it's never enough for him to be happy...even though he will live in disgusting conditions when he was alone. I never had to worry he was cheating on me because I can't imagine any girl would even enter the house...lol! Seriously though, everyone had so many great things to say and I totally appreciate the feedback :) I have told him he needs to be responsible for his own laundry for sometime now, but he never finishes what he starts. Plus, he has garbage duty...finally. That's about it. He does help out with the kids for bath and bed if I do the dishes, but he complains about it later saying he never has any time to himself until 8pm. I wonder when he thinks I get time to myself? lol

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LOL! My husband was laid off for roughly 5 months last summer and now see's why things aren't always perfect. Before that i know it bothered him when things werent done and his mother still demands i do more then i do (gotta love the dear ole MIL....NOT) but anyway I would let him take one of his days off and you go out. Let him be incharge of EVERYTHING and see what he says at the end of the day!

Carly - posted on 09/15/2011

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my bf does help with the baby when he gets home though. he will play with her, change her etc. i just hink its funny what he says sometimes. i think he does it b/c he is sarcastic and likes to mess with me.

Carly - posted on 09/15/2011

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" i can't even get him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper" i know exactly what you mean. i think being a sahm is a full time job. its not 8-12hrs then your off. its a 24/7 job. since i don't work he doesn't get up with the baby 2-4 times a night. i give her all her bathes, do everyones laundry, clean the house, cook the meals, do the food shopping, pay the bills, do any other kind of shopping or phone calls that need to be made. he always asks me what i did all day. or doesn't understand if i forget to do something. i have one child who is 8 months and she is a handful. he says that there are a lot of single moms and im not the first one to have to do it, taking away from what i do accomplish. i work very hard at keeping the house clean and taking care of her. i just don;t think men understand.

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Wow.. my husband knows what I deal with and get done or try to get done in a day and he knows he couldn't do it himself, therefore he NEVER complains about the house being messy or about anything for that matter, i'm the one complaining because it never stays clean and hes the one having to tell me that its gonna happen with three kids running around, its ok lol. I honestly didn't realize how much better I had it being a stay at home mom than most do after being on this site.

Katherine - posted on 09/15/2011

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IMO, he has no RIGHT to complain. If you take care of all of that he has no business being so demanding. I am so sick of hearing how husbands act this way.

Give him the responsibilities for a day and see if he can handle it. I highly doubt he could. You need to sit down and have a SERIOUS talk with him. You are not the maid, you are a mother and a wife. He needs to get that through his thick skull.

Tamara - posted on 09/14/2011

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Crazy question, are his hands broken? or amputated? how about his legs?

I have said it before you may not have read it, you my dear are a SAHM, which is a Stay At Home MOM not Stay At Home MAID. I could care less what he does for work my husband is gone for 14 hours a day still comes home and helps out with the house, kids, laundry, gas up my car, be a taxi it dont matter he realizes that this is his family and his house so he has to take care of some of the responsiblity too. If I were you I would go on strike. make him do things for himself. unless if any of the questions above are true then its a little different

Lady Heather - posted on 09/14/2011

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Oh yeah - what you should expect from your husband (this would be bare minimum):
-he should be active and involved with the kids when he comes home
-he should not add to the mess unnecessarily (ie. leaving dirty clothes about, dishes in random places, crap on the floor, crusty tooth paste in the sink that could have easily been rinsed...that sort of thing)
-preferably should contribute to general home repairs and maintenance

I don't know what his hours are like, but it probably wouldn't kill him to wash a dish or put away some clothes once in a while either, particularly on the weekend or whatever days off he gets.

The main thing is that he shouldn't be allowed to complain about things not being done when he makes it harder to do them by making unnecessary mess. Maybe if the hamper was already full of his clothes you wouldn't have to collect up the laundry and there'd be more time to put it away later.

Michelle - posted on 09/14/2011

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I would tell him he's more than welcome pull his own weight around the place.
What was the division of housework like before you had kids? When you were working did he help out more?
I don't think it's too much to expect him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper for starters!!! I wouldn't do his washing if his clothes aren't in it. He will complain when he runs out of clean clothes but you can let him know that you already run around after 2 children you don't need to run around after 3.
I don't know what else to suggest, there have been so many conversations on this topic before.
It makes me appreciate my husband since he does the dishes, does his own laundry as well as the kids and looks after the yard,

Lady Heather - posted on 09/14/2011

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Tell him that when you have kids and pets, shit happens. Literally.

I swear to god, I spent the better half of yesterday cleaning up after Potsy the Diarrhea Wondercat. So yeah, some other things got neglected because I was trying to make the house not smell of poo. Just the way it is when you have a house full. Something always comes up.

And the hair? Shit, I either vacuum or sweep everyday. Sometimes I sweep multiple times a day. Every time I'm done I walk out of the room and walk back in and there is a clump of dog or cat hair on the floor. That shit procreates. There is no other explanation for it.

Bethany - posted on 09/14/2011

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tell him if he wants a dog, there's going to be hairs about and if he wants a kid, there are going to be toys and food and poo and wee and spew and clothes and god knows what pulled out and chucked about, and if he wants a wife, to adjust his perspective quick smart. That, or just grin and nod like a looney and tell him how thankful you are for him going to work each day and what a great guy he is and maybe his ego will get big enough to crowd his view.

Tinker1987 - posted on 09/14/2011

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my fiance is the same way. but its a losing battle here ill spend hours cleaning and you cant even tell because either my son is making a mess behind me or my fiance cant clean after himself lol

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