Hubby wants daughter to go to Daycare! :(

Kimberly - posted on 05/22/2011 ( 40 moms have responded )

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My husband wants to put our 20 month old daughter in daycare one day a week to get her used to socializing with other children. We've just moved from the UK to the US (I'm American, he's British) and in the UK I took her to Tumble Tots (Gymboree) and we went to the library once a week. I'd like to get her into a Gymboree class here, start swimming lessons, go to library story times, I've just joined a Mommy and Me group, etc. But my hubby doesn't think it's doing our child good being with me everyday. He thinks she needs social time with other children without me there. I very much disagree. Before having my daughter I worked in childcare for 7 years and I know what daycares are like...we don't argue about it, but every time we talk about it we're just at a stand still with him saying she needs daycare and me saying no way! How can we figure out a way to both be happy??

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Kimberly - posted on 05/24/2011

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Just so maybe some of you can understand where I'm coming from...I worked in childcare for 7 years before having my daughter, both in the US and the UK, in both poor and super posh daycares, so I've been around a bit :P and my biggest concern through my experience, is for every fantastic daycare teacher who truly loves your child and wants to go to work everyday, there are just as many horrible ones who could care less and are only there for a pay check. To the parent, those horrible teachers look fantastic coz they're fake as fuck to the parent's faces and they think their child is with a warm loving person, but behind closed doors that's far from the truth. That's been one of my arguements to my husband, he knows one of my old co-workers who is awful (I have no idea why she still has a job!) and I've said to my husband, how would you feel if "Jane" was Pippa's teacher?? and Ericka, you took the words right out of my mouth! Another one of my arguments to my husband is that she's gong to learn some very naughty behavior off of those other kids. My daughter doesn't hit, she doesn't bite or throw her toys...all things she'll learn very quickly in a daycare. If this makes me over protective, then I can accept that, but I am in no way a helicopter parent! If she falls down, I ignore her, and she gets back up again and goes on her way. She's very independent and happy to play by herself if I need to get stuff done around the house. I can't tell you how many perfect strangers have asked me if she's 3 because of her language skills and maturity, so I can't be damaging her too much with my constant company.

You make a good point Joanna, my husband says I need "me" time all the time! But right now, my daughter is happily playing with her aquadoodle and watching Wonder Pets while I'm on COM :P So I consider this "me" time, plus I get her nap time and the evenings! I understand what you mean about getting out on my own and relaxing and having proper "me" time though...

I do like the suggestions of putting her into a pre-school setting when she's 3. I think that might be a good compromise for me and my husband. I'll have to suggest that to him this evening :)

[deleted account]

I agree with you, children do not need daycare to learn to socialize. Furthermore, there are a wealth of studies that show that children who socialized more in the presence of a parent or trusted adult during toddlerhood were more confident and self assured in social situations than kids who were taught to socialize in situations away from their parents.

The studies do not indicate that daycare settings are detrimental to social development, so it can't hurt, but they do say that children develop better social skills when their parents are present in the earliest years.

Could you compromise and say she can start a once a week program when she is 3 yrs old? Or put her in a "summer day camp" which usually run one or two weeks during the summer, you can do half days of full days. That way, she gets a taste of being in a group without you, but it is short term and still gives you lots of time to be with her.

Christina - posted on 05/25/2011

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This subject makes me angry....I myself am i SAHM to a 15 month old baby girl and have had certain people actually tell me I was a bad mom because i choose not to put my daughter in daycare. Now i know alot of mothers don't have a choice because they have to work but if possible I think mothers should stay home with their children. You had a child so YOU could raise it not society or daycare workers. Not to mention when children are that young they really could care less about playing with other kids. I have heard so many horror stories about daycares and am never planning on sending my daughter to one. My daughter has playdates as much as possible and she is with me most of the time and she is the most socialable baby i know. Whether they adjust when they are 3 or in kindergarden or preschool it doesn't matter they have to adjust to going to school no matter what. Why would you want to miss the best years of your childs life if you didn't have to. Once they are 5 they don't stop going to school for almost 15 years or more, and the best lessons she can learn at this age are from HER PARENTS! And if people actually read the studies they would see daycare actually can make your child more aggressive and your child can pick up bad habits from other kids. Not to mention how much they are going to get sick, possibly get lice, get bit, get hit. The myth that children need daycares was made up so more people wouldn't feel bad for putting their kid in daycare and so they would continue working to help the economy.

Zoe - posted on 05/25/2011

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the generations of children over thousands of years that grew up with out daycare, must all of been social misfits, how on earth did the human race ever get to such a technological and social stage with out day care, the problems that all the children must of overcome to be productive members of society , it beggars belief how anyone ever meet anyone else, how socialization ever happened, i mean come on, some kids enjoy it, great, some parents want/need to do other stuff but does the child need day care/time away from there parents, only if you ignore all of human history.

Nikki - posted on 05/25/2011

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I agree with you, I work in child care and the only reason my daughter is attending one right now is because I have to work, but she is at the same centre as me and only there because I can see her and trust the girls 100%. Otherwise there's no way in the world I would send her to one, I have seen too many scary things in the past 10 years. Have a look into some child development research, it's quite clear that children do not need structured play to learn how to interact until the age of 4. The most important influence in how your daughter learns to interact is the lessons she learns from you. IF and this is a big if for me, I had the same issue with my hubby I would maybe compromise and say that 3 is a better age to look at care because children under 3, developmentally play in a parallel manner, (side by side, but not playing the same game) So they don't really get a lot out of it anyway. This whole idea that children NEED childcare is a fairly new one and very untrue.

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Kat - posted on 05/29/2011

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It sounds to me like you're doing a great job getting her out and about around other children, so personally I don't think you have much to worry about with socializing her. My son's been to a couple of Gymboree classes and will start swim lessons soon. I didn't have him in day care until I started working again, which was in February (and he'll be three this month). While I don't think her being in daycare for a few hours once a week, I don't see why your husband just doesn't leave it at saving money. Have you brought up preschools with him yet? I don't know the British pre-school system, but at least in my area (and maybe most of the US? I don't know) we don't have any public school-run preschools, leaving my family with private or independent preschool options. My son will start preschool this year, and it's a very similar program to what I think your husband is looking for for your daughter (i.e. a small amount of socialization in a somewhat structured environment). I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until your daughter is of preschool age to get her into a more social atmosphere, but a few hours of free time for you wouldn't be so bad either!

Nicole - posted on 05/27/2011

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im with the no way part too i was also in day care and frankly. not sure what is is like over seas but unless you shell out some top dollar here you are not getting a good day care here. good day cares for 2 year olds are looking for 200 a week on a high some places are more. i dont know about you but my finances would never allow that. ill stick to play groups and library functions. easier on the pocket for us and i wont have to worry if my daughter is getting proper care or not.



i was never in daycare. i was looked after by my grandmother and the women that would come to her hair salon. they loved me and my sister being there. alot of them were teachers and while they waited they would read and sing to us.. by the beginning of kindergarten my sister and i could read the newspaper and i was already reading books in first grade that were a much higher grade level. i was surprised 'the lion the witch and the wardrobe' by C.S. Lewis was a 8th grade summer requirement reading book. i read that in second grade! for being around adults all the time i sure turned out ok. why would i make my kid do something i never did?

Maria - posted on 05/26/2011

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I have to agree with your husband. I think it is very important for young children to be around other young children and not just adults. My son started daycare around 3 and he is the most adaptable and social kid I have ever seen. And I don't knwo what daycare you worked at, but I have nothing my great things to say about my sons daycare. Goodluck :)

Kimberly - posted on 05/26/2011

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I got hubby to agree to a half-day preschool program maybe 1-2 days a week when she turns 3! Thank you for all your suggestions :)

Lehana - posted on 05/26/2011

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Well I am from South Africa, my child has been in daycare since she has been 3mths old, not because I wanted her to be there but because of work constraints. What the daycare mother told me was the best times to but your child in to daycare is 3mths or 2years old. The reason for this is they seem to be ready to interact with kids of their age group. The other thing I can suggest is to go to a daycare that is empathic to you situation and allow you to be with her until such time as she is ready to let go.Still do the activities you do with her. Maybe go to a daycare once a week with her and see how they run things that's what I did and if the daycare has nothing to hide they will be more than will to let you stay. Maybe you should compromise.

Kat - posted on 05/25/2011

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A 20-month old does NOT need to be away from you. It is perfectly natural for a toddler to be attached to their mother. What does your husband expect, that she will become completely independent and get her own apartment at 2? What's the purpose of this? I don't believe that socialization has very much to do with how they turn out in the future anyway. My sisters and I were all raised by a stay at home mom in the countryside, with no neighbors for miles, and therefore no socialization. We all turned out very social. My sister-in-law was put into daycare by my MIL to get her to come out of her shell and she remains shy to this day. Just saying. LOL

Cynthia - posted on 05/25/2011

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She 20 months stick to your guns, it sounds like she will be getting plenty of socialisation with a mum and tot group and library story time.
Developmentally she won't be ready to play with other children interactively for another year or so. By all means find a local sitter so you and your spouse can get out by yourselves for a date night once a week. and by all means if its necessary for you to return to work either for your own mental stimulation or to help out financially, But its sounds to me like you are doing all the right things as far as your child goes. when shes three you will have found an appropriate play school for two or three days a week to extend your daughters life experience and growing independence from mum. Remember parenting is about meeting all your needs yours your husbands(he should be doing more with his daughter as well, so you can get out by yourself one day a week or for a walk or coffee with new friends for an hour on a daily basis, relationships especialy father daughter relationships need to begin early and dads natural fear of not knowing how to look after his child needs to be addressed but not pandered to)
Ask around your mum and toddler group for information about playschools, home day cares or babysitting clubs where parents exchange babysitting priveleges.

Connie - posted on 05/25/2011

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I think its definetly important that your bub gains independance without having "us as parents" around all the time. Its done my little one wonders being around other grown ups without me being around and shes such a little social butterfly! And shes only turning 1 on friday. I agree its soooo hard to give up even that 1 day with my darling girl but its benificial for her in the long run. :) But youre her mum and know whats best :)

[deleted account]

That's a hard position to be in. My mom said when I was little, she would do kind of a co-op day care where each mom would take a turn to babysit everyone else's kids so they could housework and grocery shopping done etc. Maybe that would be a compromise if you know a few people you trust, but I understand you might not after just moving. Do you think there's something else behind your husband's desire for your child to be away from you for a day, like he wants more time with you alone or that he sees a problem with the way your child socializes? Getting to the root of his concern might help you understand what the best route is. If he sees a problem with your child's development regarding socialization, you could present him with information on how children actually interact at this age and what they need (and don't need). If he wants more time with you or something, maybe you could have a date night once a week and have another mother watch your kids during your date etc.

Cynthia - posted on 05/24/2011

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my hubby and i talked about putting our daughter in daycare when she turned on but we never did but she is 29 months now and kept asking to go to school so we put her in the hourly care and the first day i sent her she only went a hour and she kissed me and walked away she really loves it me not so much only because she is my baby girl

[deleted account]

Everything you are talking about is centered about what you and she do together. There is nothing wrong with that if you temper that with time without you getting adjusted to being around other kids. Your husband is not talking about five days a week, just one. He is right in that it is not good for her to be around you 24/7. When she starts kindergarten she will have trouble adjusting. And you need the time by yourself without her. You need to realize that your world is NOT your daughter. You are a wife and woman too. I mean geez, we are only talking one day right?? Or am I missing something?

Melissa - posted on 05/24/2011

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I agree with both of you. I have heard about too many bad things about daycare's here in the states, but they can learn independence with you around. for example, join a gym with childcare. you're near by but they learn to be without you over their shoulder.

Valeria - posted on 05/24/2011

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It is good for her to interact with other kids but daycare is not realy needed!

Zoe - posted on 05/24/2011

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"Mommy time" is any weekend day when you say to your other 1/2, iam off have a good time, or any evening after the child is in bed, just the same as if you were doing paid work out of the house.

Joanna - posted on 05/24/2011

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I'm a sahm, and my son is in daycare four days a week, because we wanted him to become socialized at a younger age. He is 2.5, and has been in daycare a year and a half. I can't tell you how beneficial it's been for him. He was diagnosed with ASD at 17 months, and being in daycare has opened him up and taught him so much. I know your child doesn't have any type of ASD (that you've mentioned), but don't discount the socialization that daycare can provide. We started him out at two days a week, and moved up from there. Granted we found an excellent daycare center, so you should definitely do your research. You have to let go at some point. It sounds like you're spending your entire week planning activities with your child. When do you have "mommy time"? Just my opinion, of course. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[deleted account]

Nichole, I said there was a wealth of STUDIES that back up the theory that social skills are better learned in the presence of a parent or trusted adult in the earliest stages. That is not my opinion, it is a fact that those studies exist; I can cite about 15, but I don't have time to pull them just for a discussion forum. In contrast, I have not read any scientific evidence that supports the theory that children develop better social skills in the absence of their parents.

Howes Carollee 1990, Howes Phillip Whitebook 2008, Howes Carollee Stewart Phyllis 1987, Howes Rodning Galluzzo Myers 2004, Vernon-Feagans Manlove Volling 2008, Gunner Donzzella 2001, Vandell Corasaniti 1990.

That still has nothing at all to do with over protective parents, and sending her child to daycare would not offset the effects of over protective parenting or make her less protective.

Margaret - posted on 05/24/2011

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From my experience, Gymboree classes are WAY expensive - try your local community centers and see if they offer something similar to Gymboree. Also, join a local Moms group / playgroup to meet other Moms/kids that YOU and your daughter feel comfortable with. By networking w/ other Moms, you'll get tips/resources on childcare/pre-school in your area, even surrounding areas. I have 2 girls, my older one will be 4 1/2 soon, and when she was 19 mos, we started her twice a week for just 3 hrs in the morning w/ pre-school. It was WONDERFUL! She's now finishing her 3rd year of pre-school this week, and she's learned SO much by being socialized with other kids over the years. Our 2nd daughter's almost 2, and she benefits from having a big sister to help her learn, talk, play, share, etc. From your experiences as a daycare EMPLOYEE, they'll differ from your feelings as a PARENT, and that's completely natural to feel that way. Look into some of the Church-based pre-schools / daycares in your area - they're usually cheaper, fewer kids/staff members so that kids get the attention they need, and you AND your daughter won't feel like "just another family to deal with".

Also, maybe look into having a babysitter (when you're ready since U just moved to the area) come to your house twice a week to watch your daughter? That way, you can get things done, she'll get used to another person watching her, yet you'll be around in the house, so U can peek in on your daughter w/out her really knowing. I've had pretty good luck w/ www.care.com, and there are LOTS of other sites, too.

Kids' social time w/out their parents around is fabulous! The kids learn to trust other adults to take care of them (as long as the parents trust them, then kids usually warm up to them), the parents can relax and enjoy time away from the kids, and it keeps the family balanced from seeing each other ALL THE TIME....I understand that she's your first, and that your time w/ her is special, so make the most of it, and give yourself a break when you can :)

Just FYI - Barnes & Noble bookstores usually have open/free storytime once/twice a week, that usually features a craft afterwards. Completely free, voluntary, etc. It's a lot of fun, and you can meet other Moms w/ their kids, too. I just took my 2 girls there to our local store last week, and they LOVED it! I think I'll be going there again :)

Hope I was helpful, take care, good luck :)

Katherine - posted on 05/23/2011

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If he's afraid that you and your daughter are spending to much time together maybe he needs to an activity or take care of your daughter by himself a couple times a week.



AGREED!!!!!!

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2011

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I don't understand what his issue is. It sounds like you are out and about and socializing. I would agree with him if you guys never left the house.



Of course, I'm going to agree with you since that's what I did. I joined playgroups and did tons of activities. At about three was when I put my children into preschool for two days of the week.



If he's afraid that you and your daughter are spending to much time together maybe he needs to an activity or take care of your daughter by himself a couple times a week.



Your daughter will be fine as long as you guys socialize with others. At most she might have separation anxiety like a lot of young children do, but they out grow it.



Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/23/2011

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Kelly, I was commenting on the fact you referred to a 'wealth of information' reguarding the fact that if kids socialize in the presence of parents they are more confident. That's not always the case, which is why I was simply posting the other sides of it. Who knows, maybe (no offense) Kimberly is over protective and clingy with her kid. Not that this is true, but who knows? I just think that in every topic you should get all sides of the story, not just one opinion. So I was just providing the other opinion- yes, watching kids = good. Letting kids socialize alone = also good.

Katherine - posted on 05/23/2011

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I think you should do what YOU think is best. I don't think one day a week is a bad decision. I remember how hard it was for me to put my 1.5yo in daycare. It was heartbreaking. But you know what? She LOVED it.

I did an in-home daycare from a referral and the lady was awesome and so were the workers. They learned a lot too. I say give it a try and if it doesn't work out pull her out.

[deleted account]

Nichole, I didn't say anything about over protective parents.
That said, I agree that over protective parents can inhibit their children's social skills, but I don't see how that relates to this topic unless you are implying that opting out of daycare makes a parent over protective, which does not make any sense...

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2011

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my son is in daycare, by my choice im not working, but he goes to daycare anyways! he is developmentally delayed becuase he has mitochondrial disease, it has been great for him to be around other kids his age, he copies alot of what they do and say, hes come a very long way since i started him in daycare :)

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/23/2011

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I don't agree with Kelly. Over protected parents can cause their kids to be worrysome and insecure and not develope relationships fully on their own.

Ericka - posted on 05/23/2011

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i dont understand what your husband is thinking! i am a sahm and i hate daycares and there policies!! i understand wanting your daughter to socialize but if you do a playgroup, mommy and me, church, library time etc she is getting socialization. really she doesnt need to develop socialization skills til school age. truthfully all that the daycare time is gonna teach her is bad habbits (my personal opinion from get togethers with friends whose kids are in daycare and how their kids act) i have even asked our pediatrician if i need to have more socialization for my daughter and was told that school will teach her that when she is older. maybe ask your pediatrician next time you go i am sure your husband will believe it then.

Stephanie - posted on 05/23/2011

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how about a church kids day out or moms day out program. mine go twice a week and love it.

Jane - posted on 05/23/2011

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kids this young don't really interact anyway, he needs to do some more research to support his stand.
i usually tell my husband go to the grocery store or the park and to find 10 moms who agree w/him and then we'll do it his way.

Zoe - posted on 05/23/2011

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You are the one that has worked in day care so you know.My DD is nearly 5 has never been to day care or nursery and i can say that she id the most confident child i know, she now goes out with friends without me and i get told how she is, exactly as she is when i am there, i see her friends and they are fine in there comfort zone, at home, at school but cannot talk to me in my house if they are used to me going to theres ect.

[deleted account]

Tell him to stuff it. Yeah, not helpful. Sorry. Come up w/ a NICE way to tell him to stuff it. No child NEEDS daycare.... ever. It's only the parents that may or may not need to stick their kid in daycare. Socialization can and does come in many different forms and you are doing FINE.

Jane - posted on 05/23/2011

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she's so little! why put her in if you don't need to? she'll be going soon enough. there's a reason pre-schools don't take them until 3 yrs old, they really don't need to be out in the world if you don't have to put them there. just tell him she's enrolled and there's a waitiing list.
she seems pretty happy and fine in your picture!

Jessica - posted on 05/23/2011

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I don't really understand your husband's concern. Maybe he can take her a few hours a week then she wouldn't be with you. You could join a MOPS group (mothers of pre-schools) They usually have retired citizens watch the kids in classrooms while you socialize with other Moms for a few hours a month. Not all MOPS groups do it the same some are at night but you can google it to find out what your area has to offer.

Brianna - posted on 05/23/2011

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as long as you take ur child "mom & me group" or something like that your kids learns to socialize. tell you hubby that you will send you child to playschool when shes old enough and she be without you there (playschool is before kindergarden here and playschool is half days twice a week)

Jamie - posted on 05/23/2011

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Do they have and hourly daycare around you? Here we have a place called right time kids and you can buy and hourly package to be used throughout the year or just pay by the hour. It's usually just a few kids except during holidays they tend to get busier. My husband and I used it when we first moved and didn't know anyone to babysit DD (she was 4 when she went). We only took her a few times for 3-4 hours and we went out to eat or did some shopping for her birthday. She loved being there. Maybe that could be an option, you could drop her off while you ran errands or had lunch with friends.

I wouldn't worry too much about her socializing. DD had wasn't around kids much at all until she was 4 and even then it was the same 2 children (or the few times she went to the place I talked about). It was mostly just her and me. she started kindergarten this year and it only took her at most 1 month to open up and make friends. We had to change schools halfway through the year and she had no problem in her new class either. I see no problem with her being with you all the time.

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2011

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They don't need daycare. If your husband is really worried about it then wait until she's 3 and put her in a half day preschool one or 2 days a week. That way you're getting what he wants, saving money as part day preschools generally cost less, and she's in a preschool environment instead of a daycare.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/23/2011

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I'd have to agree with your husband. I know she's young, but it is very important for kids to socialize and although you are doing way more than enough for this to happen, she really can gain many qualities that are really beneficial. I know day cares aren't always the best, as you know :) but I truly don't think it would hurt much to have her in daycare for 1 day a week. Heck, I would see this as a blessing! A total break for a few hours every week? I'd say to your hubby "What are you going to do for me then?" :) and go to a spa or something haha

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