Husband furious that I'm a SAHM.... Advice?

[deleted account] ( 91 moms have responded )

I've stayed home with our 2 sons since day one. I told my husband when we were dating that I would do whatever was necessary to be a SAHM. However, he's never been happy about it. I'm thinking that if AND when I do start working our relationship will not improve. He's not really open to counselling, and anyway, we're separated by distance for another 16 months. He spends everything that I don't use (which I'm as conservative as possible with money right now - starting to use coupons, I've cut our grocery bill down to the bare minimum, I hang our clothes to dry, use the AC 1-2 times per day right now, don't have tv service, moved into the cheapest apartments w/W/D.... I've been using about $250 for groceries, entertainment, anything else we need per paycheck) I think because he's 1.furious; and 2.he feels it's his money. He's always spent as much time as possible away from our family, spent a significant amount of money, sometimes leaving me with nothing when he goes out of town, and I'm really not sure that's much there to call a relationship anymore. What is your advice? Do you think he'll suddenly be happy just because I'm working?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 06/13/2011

1,606

10

227

Okay after seeing the rest of what you have said I have to say it's time to leave him. He is abusive. It's in yours and the kids best interest to not be around that. I would find a job while he's gone and move if you can. He won't get full custody but as far as I know the military is real good at enforcing child support payments. Get it done while he's gone. The whole letting his friend watch you have sex thing is a) a sign of worse things to come and b) abusive. Take care of yourself and your kids. They need you and you need you. Husband needs help.

Trisha - posted on 06/16/2011

4

1

0

Couple of other things you can do to continue to stay home with your sons..... Offer babysitting services... There are two ways you can do this...
Babysit one child 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for about $400- $500 a month (or whatever is the going rate in your community. Charge $25/hr for any extra hours. If this is not possible, offer 2 hours of baby sitting for parents date night out on Saturday.

Micheline - posted on 06/16/2011

5

18

1

Christa...another thing you can do...if he is leaving you with little money after you have used all your ressources to help your marriage and try to communicate your thoughts to him about wanting to make your marriage work, is to go to his chain of command and letting them know about the situation. If he is leaving you with little money and has issues, his unit will get you and him the help needed...I know it has been done in my husbands Army unit back in Fort Drum, NY. Best of luck to you. And I do agree with some of the earlier posts, especially Michelle's. You need to start pulling some extra cash and set it aside. Start looking out for yourself until you know what is going on.

Erin - posted on 06/15/2011

246

40

13

I've never been in your situation, but if I were and my husband was treating me so badly, and not involving me in the financial decisions of our household, or even letting me have some kind of money and he'd rather gamble it all away, I'd leave. He's not acting like a husband. Why is he gambling your childrens groceries awya? What could be more important to him than his family. It really sounds like he has a problem, and I wouldn't stick around to find out. Why would he bring his friend into your bedroom. It sounds to me like he has a cocain or other hard drug addiciton.

Carrie - posted on 06/13/2011

57

17

5

ps get your own bank account where you can put your own money one he doesn't have access to. This will guarantee the money you make is your money

This conversation has been closed to further comments

91 Comments

View replies by

Markea - posted on 08/29/2011

12

0

2

My husband was the same way until one day I laid everything out it would take for me to go to work. By the time I was done, he begged me to stay home. Maybe that is what you need to do, sit down with him and lay it all out. Daycare cost, gas cost, babysitter cost (unless the job is only during day)See if the gain out weights the cost.

Kristine - posted on 08/08/2011

11

42

0

we are on the same boat about our husbands not being too happy about us not working and them earning everything for the family. We have 2 kids, and we had them pretty close to each other so i didnt have any chance to actually find work. Now my youngest is 1, I decided that it is time for me to help him out financially. You said it was your choice to be a SAHM, but when situation calls for it then I guess we also have to adjust. Like us, we are just breaking even every month and we cant put aside any money for savings because he is the only one working and everything is just so darn expensive! I live in France, so looking for a decent job is very hard due to language barrier and yes there is no sense working and just paying for daycare, he needs to understand that and you need to explain that to him, as much as you want to help by working if your pay just goes to daycare then it's useless. A little more patience and the kids will be in school, then you will be able to find work.

Understand him too and try to see his point of view, although I am confused how he can just spend money on himself. I have been frustrated how my husband acted everytime we talk about our finances, it is hurtful and yes i questioned whether it was worth staying or not. I guess he has not fully embraced his role as a father and provider, he hasnt fully grasped the idea of "family". Because if he does, he wouldnt resent you for choosing to raise your kids by staying at home with them, being hands on. Somebody has to do it right?

I feel for you, hang in there!

Kimber - posted on 08/08/2011

109

3

5

Christa, keep strong girl!!! i know it may be hard at times,but you just have to do what you feel is the best thing is for your child,or children,and for yourself!!! And if he gave your child a little sip of 100 proof liqour,well i would have hit the roof!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iam sorry,but that is sooooo wrong he is a child,and not a grown person,and he is his father,and should have known better!!!! So since he does not seem like he does no better then it fall on you to know better,and do better for your children!!! It sounds like you are a very strong woman,so just keep staying strong girl,and you will get threw all of this iam sure you will!!! Well anyway i wish all of the best to you,and your kids,and hope that things get better for you,and for your family!!!!! Kim

Annabutton - posted on 08/08/2011

39

0

10

Hi Christa,

I'm sorry to hear how things are going. From what it sounded like it truly is for the best that you divorce this man and move on with your life. You will make it through this and trust me in the future you will be happy you did. Your children deserve better and so do you. Document everything that happens between you and your soon-to-be-ex, you will need proof. If you feel threaten in anyway don't be afraid to call the police. The more you get documented the better. Hugs to you and stay strong!!!

Jamie

[deleted account]

Update: Thanks everyone for your support. Right now he's visiting (he lives in GA and we live in CO for the time being - military-related).... He gave our son a taste of 100-proof alcohol and that is the last straw for me. If he's going to do stuff to me while he drinks.... I've dealt with that. I'm NOT dealing with him being irresponsible with our kids while he drinks. I'm terrified that something will happen if we split up and he gets partial custody, which is probably why I've stayed this long. We are completely different people; no common interests - after what I've had to deal with from his drinking, I stay away from parties and such. I don't take my kids around that kind of stuff - they're sheltered from a lot but they have turned out to be amazing kids.... He wants a divorce and I'm happy to agree with his decision. I am going to do whatever it takes to make this work for the kids and I. I am scared about how everything could turn out when we have to go to court. I don't trust him to be responsible with our kids when he hasn't proven to be responsible with them yet. I'm almost back to trying to get out of getting a divorce, but I know this is what needs to happen. Please wish me luck! I was confident this morning and it's already slipping away. Trying to be strong and keep my eyes on the future...

Suzanne - posted on 08/07/2011

0

0

8

You are doing a great job. I personally would pack my things and take the kids and leave. I would go to family or friends and start again. I know it is easier said than done and it is so hard when you love someone although they are being hurtful. I hope it resolves itself, however you need to action things to make things better for you and the kids. If he is going to spend money that you don't have and leave you to penny pinch he is not worth it. He does not value you or the kids. If you can I would work on leaving. Save some money, go to a family member or friend. Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 08/07/2011

8

0

1

one, are you married and two have you tried to sit him down and just talk out right?

Katherine - posted on 08/07/2011

36

13

0

I think you really glossed over the gambling issue, and I wouldn't be surprised if you have more debt than you know. Keep an eye on your credit and your assets.

Alexandria - posted on 07/31/2011

59

7

8

Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you. Sounds like you are trying to make lemonade with the lemons you're getting from hubby. In that situation, I would be looking at what education you can get in the shortest ammount of time to help you be able to make a living with or without your husband's help or seeing what kind of work from home jobs you can get. If you pay at day care and go work, you ill hardly break even unless you have a lot of skills and can make high wages. Maybe if you make some contribution to the household income your husband will change his tune but from what you've said, it kind of seems like he's going to make it difficult for you to get by no matter what you do. So, do what you can to be as independant as possible. If those efforts improve your marriage, that will be great and if they dont improve the marriage, at least you'll be able to stand on your own two feet. I'm so sorry there are men like that in this world. Sounds like he's pointing the finger at you rather than looking at how hard he is making it for all of you to get by because of his over spending and disreguard for the family's needs. I hope he changes his tune and you wont have to leave, but again, just make yourself as independant as possible in case he is unwilling or unable change his ways. You dont have to leave him, but you do have to be able to provide what you and your kids need if your husband cant.

Jenine - posted on 07/24/2011

18

37

3

Personally I suspect a marriage is about to end. I call it like see it. You as a mom have had a dream to have a child. Clearly you saw him as the one to support you and a child. I do know what you mean about minimimum wage and child care costs. It evens out except you are not there to raise your child and the extra income is not going to be enough to justify working at a JOB not a career that you love. You are set in who you are and what your dream is to be a mom. I will say this...you wont know what you are good at until you give it a try. You must try to work on adding more skills to your arsenal in life. Your baby depends on you. There has got to be something you can learn to do at home on the computer, baby sitting SOMETHING. Try to figure it out. Until you do you will be in a bitter marriage and think you have no way out because you believe you posses no skills. You are your own hero and your baby's hero.

Desiree - posted on 07/23/2011

7

9

0

You are what my husband thinks is a dream wife. I do all the same things but I want to work, more of an at home career thought. Have you gone over the financial side of what it will cost if you go back to work? Have you showed him what you are saving at the end of the month?
But As far as not spending time with his family, leaving you with nothing, and spending the money how he wants... he is being a jerk! I know that it sounds terrible to say this but you might consider starting a coin jar. Any money that is left over from what you have put it in the jar and at the end of the month put it into an account. I personally have done this because my husband was the opposite of your husband. He wanted me to stay at home when he was barely making the bills and that was his way of controlling me to be at home. This may be a way of controlling you to get a job so that he can still have fun and money not be an issue.

Jenny - posted on 07/19/2011

29

13

1

I read this to my husband and he thought he was a jerk. He can't believe he would rather pay a nanny than have a mom take care of the kids.

Jenny - posted on 07/19/2011

29

13

1

No, I am so sorry. You sound great and your husband sounds like a JERK! Maybe reading some relationship books from credible authors will help your marriage, but he will need to try. I am so sorry. :(

Carrie - posted on 06/19/2011

57

17

5

tmobile.com/jobs apply there. IN colorado they have retail store openings they even give day care assistance. I'm in colorado and just became a stay at home mom and left a call center job with tmobile. THey aren't hiring in the call center at the moment but a retail store may make it easier for you to maybe work part time and make some decent money. I know this is tough and honestly no one ever wants to face divorce I don't think any one ever gets married thinking this is gonna be a great divorce down the road. For now focus on you and the kids. Do what you need to make things great for the 3 of you. I'm from a military family. My dad was in the Navy and always gone we had our life when he was home and the life when he was gone which were both drasitcally different. My mom was afraid to raise and my brother alone and liked the money and not having to work. It's not worth it. Your kids will honestly thank you later for giving them a more positive situation to thrive and live. We all want the best for our families and they only deserve the absolute best. After 23 years of marriage my mom finally divorced my dad. She's much happier

[deleted account]

Thanks again for everyone that has responded. When I was pregnant with our first son and for almost his first year, my husband didn't have a license; because of that, it would have made it a lot more challenging for me to find a job with the right hours so that I would be able to pick up my son and husband after I was done working. Or we'd have to switch off and he'd watch our son (doubt it), which I was breastfeeding and not comfortable with pumping and storing while at work. I'm not really sure where we are at as far as our relationship goes. I know I have a ton of issues (obviously!), some from him, and some from previous "experiences" with other guys and I'm going to get into counselling as soon as possible. I have reached the conclusion that I want to figure out a source of income so that I know that I'm staying for the right reasons. I have seen his LES; his check gets direct-deposited also. We're stationed in GA; we made the decision for myself and our sons to move back to CO (our home state) because he had a 6 month deployment to Afghanistan and then after a few months, he's going to Korea. We're in the transition months right now. He's oblivious to how fast debit card charges add up. We spent over $1000 in one year on overdraft charges because he didn't keep track.
Our sons are 2 and 3-1/2. I know my husband has issues with his mom, tho he denies it; he was very close with her and then when his parents divorced, she broke off all contact with both of her sons. He and his mom are back in contact (his brother won't talk with her) and get along fine, but there's a lot of disrespect between them and I'm thinking that's how he grew up - they didn't really respect each other at all. If he continues to not want to communicate at all about important issues, I think it's time for me to leave. I've been doing my best to wait it out and see because I'm very against divorce, but I also don't want our sons exposed to what's been going on between us. Our oldest son when he was about 2-1/2 started yelling at his dad to leave me alone - he was yelling at me - and that was an eye-opener. He should not feel like he needs to do that at his age! Anyway.... venting and more info out of the way.... I'm going to really focus on myself and work on creating the life I want here for us while he's gone and find a way to make some money and go from there. If anyone wants to be a mentor and help me stay on track and keep a positive mind, I'd LOVE that!!!

Jessica - posted on 06/19/2011

177

18

0

LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sounds like an asshole! Not a father or a husband.

Louise - posted on 06/19/2011

122

5

6

omg im so sorry for you,he sounds so selfish ,and disrespectful towards you,my situation is very different to yours.My hubby doesnt want me to work as he believes mum should be with the kids.We have 6 and 1 on the way and we dont want for nothing.We are very well off though fortunatly and he is always trying to give me money.We are more "whats mine is yours" Our kids get everything and my hubby is so unselfish its unbelievable.I of course am very busy cleaning,washing,ironing,for 8 of us.Also i get up all night to kids and early(5.30am) every day to see to our kids and wouldnt dream of asking him to get up to them.We are a team and work as equally as hard to run our kids ,home ect.I think you need to chat to him and ask him if there is any love there,he sounds like he wants to live the single life the way he keeps going out.He shouldnt resent giving to his kids or wife.There his flesh and blood.My hubby loves to make his kids happy when he buys them things.When all mine are in school then i will be going to work cause i would be very bored at home.

Heather - posted on 06/19/2011

4

0

0

http://www.circleofmoms.com/stay-at-home... Check out this website. This is a chart that shows the basic pay for all enlisted services members, regardless of branch of service. Notice that even an E-1 with less than 4 months in makes over $1300 every two weeks. THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE ADDITIONAL MONEY YOUR HUSBAND IS RECEIVING FOR HIS DEPENDANTS (YOU AND THE TWO KIDS). In addition, like I said before, he is also likely getting Geo-Bachelor status. Where is he living? He ought to be living in the Q.

April - posted on 06/19/2011

3,420

16

263

"it seems christa, in my opinion, that you made the decision of being a sahm by yourself and did not consider your husband's opinion or feelings. it should have been a decision you both made."

See, I disagree with that. I think there are just some things that are so important that sometimes a spouse has to make the decision alone. I think if you are able to financially manage it (which it sounds like Christa is doing), it's important to stay home in those early years. Her husband is just being a jerk. He doesn't want to share, that's all. Heather made a great point that he is likely keeping money that is supposed to go to his wife so that she can buy food and necessities for their children.

Heather - posted on 06/19/2011

4

0

0

Also, if you and your husband are living far enough apart, he would be receiving additional money for what is called "Geo-bachelor" status. This money is meant to support his cost of living, and would also include "per diem" to cover his meals. Have you seen a copy of his LES (leave and earnings statement)? I suspect he is making more money than he is telling you. Call his squadron/battalion and find out who his Staff NCO is and talk to him/her, or if he IS a staff NCO, then you need to talk to his CO (commanding officer) or XO (executive officer--second in command). Any of these people should be able to get you the information you need. They can also put you in touch with a Key volunteer who can provide you with help as far as community resources/babysitting/daycare/etc.

Tracey - posted on 06/18/2011

14

12

2

Just in addition to my comment a few days back. I was telling my husband about this and as an ex-marine he mentioned that your husband would be earning a tonne of money because he should be getting payments from the Military as support for you and your children, on top of what his regular payments would be. If I were you I would look into it with one of the Military officers that deals with payments and mention that you are not recieving the full amount of the money for support from your husbands paycheck.

Kristin - posted on 06/18/2011

356

0

92

in my opinion, for a woman to be a stay at home mother, it just shouldn't be her choice. it should be a discussion between a man and a woman before children are in the picture. if the husband doesn't agree, that doesn't mean the woman should just say "too bad, i'm doing what i want to do."
your situation is kind of the same as a man telling his wife and making her be a stay at home mom when she wants to work.

it seems christa, in my opinion, that you made the decision of being a sahm by yourself and did not consider your husband's opinion or feelings. it should have been a decision you both made.

Desiree - posted on 06/17/2011

8

21

1

Wow. That's tough stuff. You can't predict what will and won't make the relationship better. All you can do is do your best to do what's right for you and your family. Besides, with 2 kids, even if you got a job tomorrow - you'd spend most of that money on day care! There are things you can do in your home to make money. Have you looked into that? Maybe take in a daycare kid or two. Do you have any talents you can share? Piano teaching? etc. Bring in some money and at least you'll have something when he's gone.

Desiree - posted on 06/17/2011

8

21

1

Wow. That's tough stuff. You can't predict what will and won't make the relationship better. All you can do is do your best to do what's right for you and your family. Besides, with 2 kids, even if you got a job tomorrow - you'd spend most of that money on day care! There are things you can do in your home to make money. Have you looked into that? Maybe take in a daycare kid or two. Do you have any talents you can share? Piano teaching? etc. Bring in some money and at least you'll have something when he's gone.

Nancy - posted on 06/16/2011

269

22

37

My dad served my mom with divorce papers last year after 45 yrs of marriage. He bitched and complained that she spent all his money which is total crap because she was very, very frugal!! When I became a stay at home mom last year (I had a year of Maternity leave) she had this advice for me.......spend money on the necessities and don't sacrifice on everything to make him happy because it won't. Spend what you need to on necessities and always tuck aside a bit each week in case of an emergency. If you're not sure what to call your relationship then I would strongly advise you to start preparing yourself financially and go visit a legal aid lawyer to see what your options are. He has a financial obligation for the children he fathered.

Fast4ramadan - posted on 06/16/2011

11

17

4

hey Christa, he is your husband and the father of your children. somebody needs to stay home with the kids and in this situation it is you. That is also a full time job. He needs to be a man and stand up to his responsibilities. He has a wife and two children, his family. he needs to provide for them. it is as simple as that. and if he is angry about having to provide for his family, then he doesn't want to be a father and a husband, he wants to be a little boy who wants to live at home with his parents so he can keep all his money. tell him to grow up.

Fast4ramadan - posted on 06/16/2011

11

17

4

hey Christa, he is your husband and the father of your children. somebody needs to stay home with the kids and in this situation it is you. That is also a full time job. He needs to be a man and stand up to his responsibilities. He has a wife and two children, his family. he needs to provide for them. it is as simple as that. and if he is angry about having to provide for his family, then he doesn't want to be a father and a husband, he wants to be a little boy who wants to live at home with his parents so he can keep all his money. tell him to grow up.

Tresha - posted on 06/16/2011

3

41

0

Christa, try to find a job as soon as possible and register for school too. This is not about you. He wants something else. Stay out of Europe if you can, moving is hard on a marriage. The culture is different and it takes alot of time and energy to adapt. You need friends and family for support now. The rules in europe are very different. If he tries to divorce you there you may loose your children. The rules are more fair in the US to mothers especially if he has already started treating you badly. I have a similar situation going on. Stay strong and keep loving your children. Try to get counseling for your family. Good Luck.

Cory - posted on 06/16/2011

20

24

0

You didn't mention how old your children are & if it's completely necessary for you to be a SAHM. I have to say while I feel that it's admirable that you love & care for your kids & sacrifice every way possible for their well-being. That maybe you're not being realistic about your husband's expectations and you own needs to be a successful mother & wife. I can understand that he may feel anxiety about being the "bread-winner". He may feel resentment as well. Iam a SAHM but, I DO work part-time in the evenings. While I LOVE my two children I also needed some time away & other adult interaction. I found that I LIKE working & making extra money that finally allowed us to recently BUY a house! Maybe you're making too many sacrifices to stay home at this point. I've found that since I'm working I don't feel badly about treating myself to a new outfit or getting a manicure/pedicure & it's eased our finacial stresses/arguments as well. *Things might be better if you at least made the effort & who knows you might like the extra freedom & money in the bank.. Good Luck

Susan - posted on 06/16/2011

111

48

17

It sounds like the issues run deeper.....I suggest you go to counseling even if he doesn't. I was in a relationship that was similar in nature and eventually got out. You need to be in the best place you can be to make the best decision you can and counseling will accomplish that. Good luck, Susan

Laura - posted on 06/15/2011

128

77

5

I am SAHM and right now I love it but I am also looking for work as well. My husband and I have agreed that it is time for me to go back to work because were not getting any further ahead in life right now and itds best for me to start helping out with the finances more. I do a lot as it is but I know I can do more for him; for our family. If your husband works and you have money coming in as well and he spends it it sounds like hes an ass hole I'm sorry to say but if hes spending it all on himself without any regard for you or the children than thats a problem and you need to talk to him about it and tell him if your going to go back to work that his reackless spending needs to stop in order for this family to survive.

Kiley - posted on 06/15/2011

62

12

12

Ps. Just read some ofthe other comments and I agree with the moms advising you to squirrel money away. I always advise women's to do that in unstable situations, just in case. If worse comes to worse, your separate or he doesn't come home, atleast you will be able to feed your children.

Kiley - posted on 06/15/2011

62

12

12

My advice would be to go back to school. Look into your local JC and meet with a counselor etc there. There is a ton of assistance for moms in your situation. And, if you choose to go back to school you might qualify for subsidized Childcare, or even better, many junior colleges have great childcare options. I have degrees and all that good education stuff but choose to teach preschool at our local junior college 1. Bc I believe in it and helping/inspiring the children and 2. Bc I want to help families/moms in your position.
Without a degree/certification etc. you might have trouble getting a good job, however there are so many resources available, especially if you just want to do a certification program and plan to be out of school on 6m-1yr.
It really sounds like this could help you, regardless of what happens in your marriage. Becoming more educated will only help you and your family. Hope this helps-good luck!

Alison - posted on 06/15/2011

279

20

32

I second Michelle's post. He's abusive. You need to get away from him. And either get a divorce or don't go back until he goes to extensive counseling. You can PM me if you want to chat or if you want to run away to Washington. :O)

Hope - posted on 06/15/2011

184

51

12

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Most family and social studies on children with stay at home parents/ mom or dad show that the children are better off in many aspects. Its commendable to you that you are trying so hard to balance your financial situation and be at home for your children. Obviously finances are a major concern for your man. I'd ask myself if I were you, " Is he furious that I want to be at home to raise our children? Is he sacrificing his own financial desires for our family's needs and our children's needs before his own? Also why is he not interested in counselling? Is there a financial seminar or specialist you could go to or call to see what other options you have for your family? He needs to be there for you and for your children, not just be the money-provider. He needs to be involved in your relationship for your children and you. You yourself might want to seek a relationship counsellor to see your options and to get professional opinions. Also if you have younger children, you might want to consider looking up on your gov websites for WIC and if you apply- to help with cost of groceries etc. You also might want to withdraw money and use it for emergencies for you and your children- so it wont be spent by your man. I hope things get better for you soon and you get some unbiased professional options soon.

April - posted on 06/15/2011

3,420

16

263

i say move in with a family member and divorce him. he sounds like a real (pardon my french) ass. it doesn't even sound like he wants to be a parent and he is not nice to you so what's keeping the marriage going? my husband and i have some bad fights from time to time, but we always kiss and say i'm sorry to each other. he feels overwhelmed sometimes because he is the sole breadwinner and has before in anger said, "WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB??" however, he has seen our son flourish while being at home with me and realizes it is such a short time before he goes to school all day (he is 1 1/2 but time flies!). i have a teaching degree and also a degree in psychology, so one day i could be making good money. it's a matter of being patient, but it sounds like your husband is not willing to be patient. nor does it sound like he is trying at all to be understanding.

RENEE - posted on 06/14/2011

17

85

1

Open another account at another bank and with drawel the money that you have contibute to the account and place that in your own account but don't remove your name from the shared account cause what ever the kids needs are, you will have to withdrawel from it.This way if i decides to leave you,which sounds like he did already, you and the kids won't be left high and dry without a penny to relaye on.
Good luck to you and your kids and many blessings to you! My son is 10 yrs. old and i'm a single mom home for her lil one because i did the single working mother thing almost all my 20 yrs. olds young life and i see the diff. it makes to stay home for your babies for as long as you can.
My lil one enjoys my voulnteer work at his school and loves it when i'm their waiting for him at the bus stop. He wants me to pick him up at the school like all the other mommies but no go cause i don't have a car and it's to far from my house and the bus stop for himto walk.

Brittany - posted on 06/14/2011

113

72

18

i think you should stay not working and look into divorce. if you think the relationship wont improve because if you were to get a job then that would take away the possiblitly of almony. but there is no reason to make yourself sacarfice evrything so he can be selfish. and i know the military will make sure you get your money from him. another thing you say you have boys and only a one bedroom apartment. not sure how it is where you live but i know where i live its illegal for you to share a room with your opposite sex child after a certain age. if you do think you can work it out with him i would reccomend a job with a bank account he cant access out of town and possibly doesnt know about so you can keep money for you and the kids to do things.

Lora - posted on 06/14/2011

101

10

6

He sounds selfish to me to. It sound like that whatever you do he will not be happy. Some men are just like that. Seems like the more you try to please the harder he is to please. I learned that the hard way. What happens in the end is you don't have any idea who you are. Then your miserable and he's still miserable. Do what is best for yourself and your sons. They are the ones that will benefit by you staying home with them for as long as you can. But be true to yourself.

Natasha - posted on 06/14/2011

24

0

1

My opinion is hes being selfish! You're right if you work alotta jobs now are paying minimum wage and pretty much if not all of it would go to daycare. I looked into that myself, if you want your kids to go to a nice daycare they you gotta pay some serious money thats why I stay home with my baby. And if he spends $500 on himself then it sounds like his priority's aren't in the right place. If he didn't wanna wear condoms then thats what happens you get pregnant. Doesn't he know the saying? "If you play, you pay" I don't think hes going to suddenly be happy because you have a job. But you could try, why not try a at home job? That way you're still a SAHM and also bringing in some $$$. Hope this helps =] Good Luck!

Tracey - posted on 06/14/2011

14

12

2

This sounds like a horrible situation. My husband used to be a Marine and the amount of stories he could tell you of men doing things like gambling, drinking, cheating etc just to cope with the trauma they go through, is unbelievable. Know that you are not alone in this sort of situation!!!
Your husband is very unlikely to change his habbits or attitudes.
I also feel like I wouldn't know what to do when I go back to work because I too do not have a degree of any sort, however you seem to be in a very tight situation and may need to utilise any and all of your contacts in terms of work. Most times it is who you know not what you know.
I don't feel that I have any right to tell you what you should do - work or don't work, stay or leave - it is ultimately your decision. All I can say is weigh out the facts and your options.
Is your husband likely to contribute more to your family if you do go back to work? Will your family as a whole benefit from you working and paying childcare? Do you feel like there is equal respect and love in your relationship? Are your children going to be better with a hard working, strong willed mother on minimum wage or with a mother who is using whatever is leftover to support them and yourself? Are there any Military support groups for you for counselling? (Utilise all that the Military has to offer because once you start looking there is more than you would think) What do you picture your family dynamics being in both outcomes? And I guess the most important question you need to ask yourself is are you IN LOVE with your husband?
Communication is the key and most times when there is something not right within the family dynamic, the message falls on deaf ears when coming from within the family. Maybe ask someone you know and that your husband trusts to speak to him about it. If it comes from someone outside of the circle it might make him see that it is not simply you complaining, that other people think it is wrong also.
Seek support from other Military wives as they will be very helpful in understanding your needs, and more than likely will also be SAHM's.
Stay strong and seek help, no matter what you choose to do. I feel for you.

Susan - posted on 06/14/2011

98

13

7

have you considered taking in a couple of kids for some income cause i'm a stay at home mom and because i was home anyway i watched a couple of kids and charged half of what a daycare would charge and that made me feel good cause i was helping out a family that had to work and it gave them a big break and i earned some money for whatevever, my husband does support me and wouldn't want the kids in daycare he does give me an allowance once a week and says do what you want with it but it usually goes right back into the house.

Momof1 - posted on 06/14/2011

528

0

17

I never thought I was going to be a SAHM, however, I also thought I would finish college first and have an actual career to go back to. When I became pregnant, my husband and I both thought I'd be going back to my job, full time. I only ended up going back to my job when our son was 3 months and only for weekends. There was and still is no way that we would make enough, even with me working full time, to put our son in daycare. Recently I was looking at starting our son in 2 days of daycare, however that didn't pan out because my boss could not guarantee me the hours.

My husbands money goes towards all the major bills, my money goes towards diapers and the two little bills we have. We wouldn't make it if I wasn't working the weekends, however there were times when my husband said he wished I didn't have to work. I honestly wish I was working more, so I could help out financially more. I do love the fact that I was able to stay at home with my son this long, but I also would like to work more. I couldn't handle having him in daycare five days a week, unless we had to, but I thought a balance of two days a week was fine and I'd be making more money. Anyway, sometimes it seems like my husband resents the fact that I stay at home. He is not one to just throw out the fact that he makes money and I don't. Even when we were living together (before marriage) he never asked me for any money to pay the bills. However there have been times that we fought and he has implied that I "don't do anything" or he "pays everything." And that pisses me off to know end. If it wasn't for me, our son wouldn't have diapers or wipes, or we wouldn't have enough money for milk or bread when we ran out. I always tell him that it isn't like I wanted to stay at home, he knows (should know) that I wanted to work. I was going to college to become an RN when I became pregnant and unfortunately I did have to quit, because that college didn't have a daycare and we have nobody around to watch our son. Oh and if it wasn't for me working, our son wouldn't have presents. He splurges more then I do. Most my money goes towards our son's needs. I'm not bitter in any way about that, I just wish he could really understand that I want to help more financially.

Obviously my situation is a tad different then yours, because you want to be a SAHM. However, either way, men should not make us feel like we are less because we don't make money (or as much money) as they do.

Mandy - posted on 06/14/2011

1

9

0

Not knowing you or your husband, I think it's extremely unwise of me to be replying to this, but I couldn't help it. This is not all your husband's fault. It NEVER is. Obviously I have no clue as to how you could possibly be to blame. I have always believed that staying home with the kids was what was best for everybody, husband included. The idea of a man being upset about that kind of boggles me actually. And you don't think that your relationship would improve if you did get a job, so clearly there are other issues. My advice is look at yourself. Find out what you're doing wrong. The hard thing about marriage is that it is never a 50/50. If you only put into it what you get back, then yes, downward spiral begins. But if you give constantly 100%, regardless of what you get back, in fact I'd recommend expecting nothing at all; well, I won't say he'll notice and start giving 100% because that doesn't always happen. But if nothing else your boys will notice. God will reward honest, selfless effort every time. I am sorry, and I know it's easy for me to sit here- at home with my two boys, while my husband wouldn't hear of me being anywhere else- and tell you what I think you ought to be doing. I hope you can be encouraged to stick it out "for better, for worse", even if your husband's having a hard time with "for richer, for poorer." You chose your love, now love your choice.

Deborah - posted on 06/14/2011

62

30

14

I don`t think he sounds happy at all and why does he spend so much time away from you and the kids? he sounds very selfish and acts like an extra child it doesn`t sound like you say that there is much of a relationship anymore so why stay? Start thinking about yourself and the children.

Annah - posted on 06/14/2011

12

10

2

There are many stay at home mom groups in every city. I don't know where you live but if you get involved in one you would find other moms who would probably be more than happy to help you out with babysitting so you can work. I would suggest, however, if you cannot find a friend to help, look for a home daycare. They are usually cheaper and your children get better care. There are usually adds in the newspaper or on line and most are registered and certified with your state. Now from what you have said about your personal feelings about yourself and your relationship, I can say I have been in your shoes and came to the point where I considered suicide because I hated who I was and what my life had come too. I was a housewife with one child and I left, got a job and tried to move on with my life. My husband,over time, finally saw the light and began to try to make an effort to fix what was wrong. We just celebrated our 9th anniversary and now have 4 kids. Things aren't always easy even now but they are better than they were. I hope for the best for you and your babies and I will pray for you.

Nicole - posted on 06/14/2011

410

8

14

at that point no. probably not. my situation is a bit different cause i have a special needs daughter. i leave for work when my SO comes home i only get 15 hours a week no more and no less unless i am sick and need to call off. even then if i am really sick my SO will go do my work for me. ( he is friends with my boss and used to have my job before he asked him to give me the position)

it has greatly improved my mood as i dont feel so broke any more. and we dont have to put any money out on day careservices. our little one stays with daddy when i leave. and im home in enough time to put her to bed.

my SO' sPoV on it is he doesnt feel like he is solely supporting me any more. likei can buy my own basic needs. he was raised though that the man in the family is the main bread winner and takes care of every one. very old fashioned but in this day and age it was putting a gap in our relationship=(

Annabutton - posted on 06/14/2011

39

0

10

Yikes!!! No offense but Yikes!!! Sounds like you need to find someone who truly loves you. You sound like a good person and you deserve someone way better than that. Sometimes you have to do things that may be uncomfortable and way out of your comfort zone to find happiness. Love yourself and you will realize you deserve better. P.S. I know you have children but that is no reason to spend your life unhappy especially if he's not willing to work on anything.

Autumn - posted on 06/13/2011

33

11

4

My thought is that you should perhaps take as much money out of the account after each paycheck as possible, and put it into your own account, to prepare for the worst. It seems like he's seizing on you not working instead of looking at all the problems you DO have.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms