husband/marriage

Lauren - posted on 07/14/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone.
My husband and I had some problems about a year ago we would fight all the time and I always thought he was cheating on me and I found out he was talking with another girl he was telling her all kinds of things like he was going to get a divorce with me and get with her (she also has a kid and boyfriend) and how much he liked her and so much more stuff was said and he said he has only slept with me since we got married and I'm pretty sure its true since we had tracking divices on our phones and I would check it and he was normally at work or at home or with me (yes he knew about it) well I found out and I had moved out for about a week or so and then I moved back in with him and we worked things out by ourselves with no conunseling I went to counseling by myself a few times just so I could went and get help on what I should do well things were so much better and he quit talking to all girls except his mom my mom my sister and family well now all of a sudden hes been a real jerk again and I know he has been working alot and he also runs with a volunteer fire co. so hes busy and we are also remodeling out home but he keeps yelling at me for stupid little things well this morning it was our daughter was throwing silverware in the trash and I heard him yelling at her when I was upstairs getting ready for the day and as soon as I came down he started to yell at me about it well I told him I was done talking about it and he didn't drop it he kept going on and on about it and I just had enough so I flipped out yelling at him asking why hes been a jerk to me and why hes yelling at me for something our 3 year old daughter did and he goes cause you are lazy and you just don't care you don't care that our daughter is throwing silverware away which is not true at all I care but the thing is he already yelled at her and punished her for it so why should I do anything. so then we started arguing more and it got to the point where I asked him if he is cheating on me and it got pretty bad and he called me a bitch and then he also said hes going to drive off a bridge,and that I don't do anything all day which I watch 4 kids during the day plus my own so its kind of hard for me to always keep things clean with 5 kids I do my best to keep things as clean as possible but he always thinks I don't do anything but I'm just tired of all his negative attitude towards me and I wanna be with him I really do love him I just wanna be able to not fight like we do and I wanna be able to trust him since I do know now he isn't talking to other girls he goes to work,sometimes to fire co. events which sometimes I'm at and he comes home its just annoying I am always thinking about if hes cheating I don't know what to do anymore I'm on my last string......please help!!! He dosen't want counseling but I don't mind going but he went before and he had no help but how do I get him to calm down and not always get upset for stupid things I tried the whole I'm not talking to you until you can talk to me like an adult but thats just got me more upset cuz I would dwell on it until he calmed down.....any advice would be great thanks!

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Louise - posted on 07/14/2012

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Your husband sounds stresses out to me. Little things spark off big rows that escalate in to big blow outs. Sit down when the baby is in bed and ask him if he is happy and if there is anything worrying him. Get him to open up to you, it may be money worries or job worries something that is making him snap at the smallest of things. Then ask him if he would sooner you put your daughter into daycare and went to work. (Bring to his attention that this would not bring in any more money because day care is so expensive). But, if he feels you do nothing then this could be the source of his bitterness towards you. Work through all the scenarios together. The answer here is communicate with each other, but if you have no evidence of cheating dont accuse him!

Monica - posted on 07/23/2012

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Good job, Lauren!! You're rolling over there. ;-) You two will be just fine.

Julie - posted on 07/18/2012

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You are cute, and I will give you an A for Effort :) As far as the medication, I am glad you realize it is an aid to the cure, but not a cure in it self. Marriage is not easy. We make the commitment to try and make it work, but there are no guarantees.
The fact that you have sought therapy is a step in the right direction. Knowing you are in an abusive relationship, because you grew up in an abusive home should be all the motivation you should need to break the cycle so your children do not end up with the same.
Seriously, try the "ouch" thing with him to stop hurting each others feelings, and see if it works? Date night can be after he has wind down for sure, and kids are asleep most definitely. As far as your obsessing about what he's doing during the day, I would keep talking to your therapist about that. Glad to hear you are on the mend, but you realize the abusive pattern is like that don't you? Have a calendar to put a little X on the day's flips out on you or that you fight, find a pattern and then decide it anything is really changing. I wish you all the happiness and joy that a marriage and family can bring...keep in touch.

Julie - posted on 07/17/2012

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Lauren, I need you to read your first post, and now this one. You are full of excuses on this last post? Excuses for him, and for you.

You defend him to us that he "hasn't cheated" but you can't stop thinking about the fact that he might?

The only way you will NOT have these feelings (which are straight up insecurities) are when you have confidence in your marriage. Numbing your pain, and the situation with medication will not change your poor communication either.

We (my husband and I) had a therapist once tell us to say the word "OUCH" when our partner was saying something that hurt our feelings. It stops us dead in our tracks. We apologies and try again, to communicate our thoughts in a better way.

I was ALWAYS shocked when my husband would say OUCH to me. I was like, I am just expressing myself, and that hurts your feelings? He's like, it is the way you are saying it....

So, IF you really are asking for help, then you have to change what you are doing. But from what I read here, you do not plan on changing anything.

You claim he has not "cheated" but it is obvious that he has cheated on you emotionally. That is cheating! Like it or not, It's why you can't let go.

An emotional affairs can actually be worse than physical according to many psychologist.

You are not secure in your marriage, or with yourself, and until you are things will never change.

You need to reconnect with your husband emotionally. Start with a date night, even "tub time" is what we do.

It is REALLY hard to get angry at each other when you are talking it out together naked in a tub :)

Julie - posted on 07/16/2012

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Go get the professional help! Even if he chooses not too. It has to start with YOU. Only you can change YOUR life, not his.

I guarantee you therapy did not "work for him" because he is unwilling to make changes. His yelling and negativity towards you is to put you on the defense.

The problems are deep rooted, and this superficial stuff is burying it deeper and deeper. He is not in a good space, but either are you!

Venting on you gives him the release he needs to feel better, and your taking it only feeds the behavior.

It is not ok, and the cycle has to stop.

You do not trust him because he gives you ZERO validation. ZERO support, and ZERO encouragement. You claim to "love him" but I really just think you "need" him.

The difference between unconditional love and a love of desperation is HUGE.

You deserve unconditional love from a partner who see you as the hard working mother and wonderful person you are.

You must demand respect in order to get respect. You are the mother of his children, and it effects how their relationships will play out later in life.

Stand up and take action for yourself first. Get the tools that you need to try and rebuild your marriage. If not, you will have gained the empowerment to rebuild your life. In marriage when conflicts occur we really only have two choices: pull together or drift apart.

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Lauren - posted on 08/20/2012

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Let me explain something to you Bobbie and everyone my husband was telling another girl he liked her and wanted to make moves on her and had feelings for her this was all going on when we had out first child he was doing this stuff I just had a baby and already my emotions were a mess from having a child and he stared talking to another girl who also was in a relationship and was expecting a child do you think that is wrong?...cause I sure do this is why everytime he fights with me it brings up bad memories casue before when he was talking to this other girl he would argue with me everyday just cause he thought his life sucked and he told me that he thought it would be better with this other girl but yet she had a kid on the way and a boyfriend and he was 28 and she was 17 or 18 thats not right! I watch kids and clean the house all damn day long thats all I do and then when he come home from work he refuses to take his shoes off and tracks mud through the house so my clean house is dirty again so I would like a little help too. its not that easy when you babysit kids in your own house I'm always cleaning up and I make all the kids help to with the toys and there cups and plates and lunch time I make them put it all aways cause I feel they make a mess they should clean it up! For my daughter she keeps time outs whatever I can do if she does something wrong she knew she couldn't put he sliverwarwe in the garbage but she does it anyways she knows after meals her dishes get put either in the sink or dishwasher so that day I don't understand how it even got in there but when my husband was downstairs yelling as loud as he could at my daughter I heard him and he yelled at her then I come downstairs and hes yelling at me about it so I said ok and got my breakfast and he was still going on and on about it so I had to say something hey he said it once thats fine but don't keep going on about it so thats why it turned into an argument casue he gets mad and keeps on getting mad about it for the next few hours so then hes punching the fridge and he decideds to leave and gets in his truck and is driveing real fast out the driveway doing burnouts and acting so stupid over it and this is how he acted when he was talking to that girl he got real nasty with me and started acting stupid.....He does not need to get so upset over something like that there is more to life than fighting all the time all he has to do is say something to me and I will try my hardest to not let it happen again! Ive learned though when something is going on and he gets like that I walk away I say ok and I walk away until he is done cause I wanna be married I'm sick of the fighting and arguing with him over stuff like that I understand he works hard but he chooses to do all this stuff like fire co. he is always doing stuff for them and thats fine but he has a choice also with our remodeling we rent from his parents so they pay for all the stuff to remodel and we don't have to put out a dime for it we just do that work so we can get a cheaper rent. So I understand he was mad cause he didn't wanna put money out to buy new sliverware and I don't either but our daughter should be punisheit for it not me she is old enough to know silverware goes in the sink or dishwasher. but what really gets me is he can spend so much money going out to eat for lunch at work buying meals for other co. workers and the whole not talking to girls thing is its texting that is the only way he talks to other girls so how do I know what was said when he sits next to me and is texting? yes I do have some insecure issues but wouldn't you be if your husband met a girl at a park to "just talk" or saying he has feelings for her or wants to make moves on her. He is changing alot and things are getting better (alot better) but him and I sat down to talk and he understands where I am coming from now but the thing that is still bugging me is his temper like this morning he was looking for a comb and dumped 2 drawers out in our bathroom all over the floor to find it casue he couldn't find it and got mad and was swearing and yelling and flipping out so then I had to clean it up when all he needed to do was ask me and I would have showed him were it was.......but hope this makes sense I was trying to explain it to you without giving all the deaitls! Thank you for the advice but I don't think I'm wrong in thinking how I think and I'm am going to a counselor by myself so I can get advice about it!

Bobbie - posted on 08/19/2012

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You seem very insecure. I picked up on the fact that he was mad about silverware being thrown away, I sure because of the price of replacement, and you turned it into a fight about if he is cheating on you. Your insecurity is triggered by him being any emotion but happy. Not everything revolves around your feelings and everyone has feelings, not just you. You are not able to be mature enough to handle him having feelings. In turn he gets frustrated that he isn't being understood and no one cares about his feelings. This makes him blow up about money, kids being under foot, and especially being taken for granted. If he works so much what he needs when he comes home is a wife who understands him, or at the very least tries to understand him. He needs someone who will listen to his problems and concerns. But rather than being able to read his feelings of anger, frustration or sadness and seeing it as signal to show him more concern, seeing if he needs to talk, you turn it into a stressful fight about him being unfaithful. I will be honest with you. Marriages with issue are usually not successful. The poor man should be able to speak to woman that aren't his mother in law or his sister, but are just women he works with. He should be able to speak to them about subjects of shared interest like sports, and current events. If he speaks to someone he needs to know that he won't be haunted and hunted down by you to tell him everything that was said. Now, a guy with the kind of stress you are putting on him has got to love you madly. No man without love could put up with a woman who turns every emotion he shares into being all about her and then bring up "are you unfaithful". I bet the women he spoke to in the past were just friends starting out. BUT he has a lot pinned up inside him that he isn't permitted to express. So they do what you haven't been able to do....focus in on why he is feeling depressed or angry. They are able to listen to him and see he really isn't getting his emotional needs met by you. I sure everyone he knows, outside of your family, knows he is miserable and frustrated at not being able to have feelings. If he shows you any frustration of how he feels you turn on him and bring him back your feelings. He finds himself more frustrated because now he has to defend himself for showing any emotions around you. that would make me sure grouchy too! Let me show you want I mean. When he catches your daughter throwing away silverware he must be getting angry at the fact that you two need money for the remodel. He is working extra hard for this added expense but he doesn't see any additional effort from you. He needs to get on with his day and you haven't finished getting ready for your day yet, leaving a three year old to him to attend to. Why are you not downstairs with her? I would, as a mother, see that as lazy myself. When my husband is home getting ready for work I don't just mossy upstairs to do things for myself and leave a three year old to be in the kitchen unsupervised. You say you watch other children. Does that money become household money? The full amount going into what you both are working for? If it isn't then you aren't working towards the same goal and I too would see that as not doing your part. Every daycare provider I have ever known runs a tight ship and has a very clean home. Children, as many as 8 of them, are cared for, feed and managed daily and not a mess is left behind. If you are not able to keep a clean house and manage 4 kids then I too question your schedule of real "working" to care for them.
If I had come down stairs to that anger of him saying she threw the silverware away I would have said, I can't believe she did that. I better check the bag before I take it out or sorry, I thought she was upstairs with me. I didn't know she was down here. I assure you. When you start seeing his side of things and understanding that he has emotions that are brewing and most importantly know he has a right to get angry at you and discuss things that he sees as being hurtful, lack of care on your part, or you not being as good of a wife or mother because it is all about how you are feeling, he will come around.
I say start reading self help books that speak of self esteem and especially read the book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. It is a simple fun read that will explain in easy to understand stories how men and women think differently.
In closing I don't think he has any issues. From you wording, the way you go on and on about yourself and using the word "well" often I would say you are the one with all the issues. Work on stabilizing your emotions, getting more done in your day for your family by putting rules and structure in place for your daughter and yourself with the result being a calm clean home for all three of you to share in the evenings (family time) And most importantly stop acting like every mean expression, every sigh, or comment from him means he is being a jerk or unfaithful to you. You need to work on your communication skills.

Donna - posted on 08/10/2012

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From what I have read... You might want to try a date just you two... Go out to dinner and talk and see what happens... When my husband and I first had our daughter... She will be three in October... We didn't go out... He went to work and came home... It was always the three of us and we would fight like all the time over the stupidest stuff and then one day I was like I am tired of fighting with you... I asked one of my closests friends to watch our daughter and we went out to dinner and talked... We learned that we had to make time for each other... Now we have two kids.. Our two year old and our three month old and we try to go out at least once a month... Just us two and it helps... And every once in a while we will go and get a hotel for the night and just spend the night dinner movie and just relaxing the two of us... I hope that it all works out for the both of us... The cheating thing I can't really help with.. That is something that only you can answer...

Julie - posted on 07/23/2012

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@ Leonie: you are welcome! I am happy to share ideas to better our communication with the hubbies. Lord knows we can all use the help on occasion :)

Lauren - posted on 07/23/2012

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Thank you monica that is very helpful! yesterday we had a good conversation and im pretty sure he knows where im coming from but i will keep the whole trash it part in my head i need to stop letting my mind wonder and worry about my family! my husband works hard and i dont think i give him enough credit for it. thanks agsin everyone for the help i have alot of suggestions and using them.

Monica - posted on 07/23/2012

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Okay, Lauren. I want you to get off your last string...
You are so precious and you have a wonderful 3 year old. However, you mind is overwhelmed with fear. Fear that your husband is cheating. You said, he hadn't. So maybe he hasn't. I would not keeping asking or throwing it up in his face as it is surely a source of tension for him. No one should ever be called a *itch.

Here's what I would do my friend. Try with EVERYTHING in you create your own pleasant and peaceful world. Remember you had that some time ago, or you husband would not have been interested in you.Now, all he sees is this tired, stressed woman that keeps asking him or accusing him. If his yelling is annoying, consider the accusing. It's not a happy place at all.

You want him to come home and be peaceful. Everyone wants a place of rest. And, if it's not at home they'll look diligently for it. It about you Lauren. You may be working to hard with kids and not enough "me" time. You had better take a break, some time. Maybe have someone watch your kid sometime. Just so you can sit, quite your mind and relax.

Last suggestion, if I may. If any thoughts of cheating come to your mind immediately TRASH it. Thoughts can be torture. Replace it with something wonderful like, I KNOW MY HUBBY LOVES ME!! He always has and always will! Become his joy again.

Leonie - posted on 07/22/2012

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This is for Julie Dillon- I really liked your advice about saying "ouch" when our husbands/wife/partner say something that is hurtful. I am going to try this with my husband. Thanks :)

Lauren - posted on 07/18/2012

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Thank you Julie! I'm not tryign to make excuses and I don't think medicine will solve anything either I'm not saying that at all I use it for aniexty for myself since I get upset very easily and then have panic attacks! :( I am very insecure and I know I am when I went to a thearpist she thought the reason I was like I am is casue my dad abused my mom when I was younger and was on drugs and an alcholic and would fight with my mom all the time so thats why they think I am the way I am. I need to let go of the fact that he has emotinally cheated on me and move on I guess If I want this marriage to work and my thearpist said to me if I really want to move on just tell your husband how you feel and I try doing that but I just hate the fact that he gets upset or frustrated with me but we talked the other day and today about him acting the way he does and he didn't like what I had to say he got upset that the fact that he was mean and I could see it in the way he looked at me, but I told him from now on If I don't like something he is doing I am telling him no matter what from what people have told me I need to I am doing it from now on. I am trying to get a date night with him but its hard to with his job! He told me I need to give him space to cause I am a touchy feely kind of person when he gets home from work he wants his space for an hour or 2 and I can understand that cause I need mine sometimes so I am starting to do that to make this marriage work I gotta compramise and Itold him that too and he said he would. So hopefully we both stick to what we talked about and keep doing that I also get very upset when he says something to me that I don't like then my mind just goes and goes and goes and I think about oh whats he doing today is he cheating on me or at work when in all honesty I know hes at work casue I can drive by and know hes there and I can stop in whenever I please and make sure he is there if I would want to and then I start freaking out so I guess I need to stop worrying so much!!

Lauren - posted on 07/17/2012

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Well I take Ativan now to calm me down and my husband has been on so many different medicines since he was 20 and everytime he takes something it makes him worse and he thinks stupid stuff so the doctors took him off the meds. I feel like its more than just medicine here! I do want to be with my husband and I don't think he will ever do what he did to me again If he does that will be it and the end of our relationship....I know most men have tempers and I'm not sticking up for them in anyway but I know when he is stressed about work money anything this is when it happens we struggle with money (who dosen't) and I know that effects him alot he dosen't tell me but I know it does! He is a whole diffrent person from a year ago he hasn't flipped out on me like this for about a year until the other day and one of my friends told me I need to just learn to not yell back just talk to him in a nice calm manner and I don't do that I yell right back and him but she said her husband used to do the same thing and she dosen't talk to him yelling she talks to him calm and it works and now she says her husband dosen't yell or scream at her anymore! I just can't give up on a marriage my husband didn't sleep with anyone else he was talking to her and thats all it was (not saying thats right) but yes cheating is cheating but I didn't get married not to go through some hard ships and my counselor told me that if I wanna make this work I just gotta keep on working at it marriage is work and I just gotta learn to deal with his ups and downs like he deals with mine! I just need advice on how to not worry about him cheating it will always be in the back of my mind but If I wanna move on I can't keep bringing it up everytime we fight that is the first that pops into my head! I feel like he isn't understanding me and my point of view either cause I know damn well if I would cheat on him I would have been out the door but I didn't so I'm hear and I wanna stay he would never ever hit me but his anger is crazy he gets mad over stupid little things he should just let go!

Courtney - posted on 07/16/2012

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DRUGS!!! Mood stabilizers and antidepressants can work wonders for both of you. See your Dr about some chemical help for both of you. I used to flip out over the littlest things. Antidepressants helped me a lot I have much more patience for the stupid a$$ things my husband and sons do all the time.

Goldie - posted on 07/16/2012

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get away from this jerk. you deserve a much much better life. and to get that is to get this guy outta you and ur kids lives.

Tracie - posted on 07/16/2012

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There is definitely something major going on with him. That's not normal behavior. Whether it's stress or guilt or whatever, the two of you need to RUN to the nearest therapist's office and get to the bottom of this in neutral territory.

No matter the reason he is snapping at you, it is not appropriate, especially in front of your young daughter, and he needs to stop immediately. The two of you need to figure this out without involving her in any way. This is a grown up issue.

I know you said he doesn't want to see a therapist. You have two options, go alone and see what you can accomplish or (and this would be my personal choice) tell him that you're both going, period, and why. This is a rare instance where I would draw the line and declare a dealbreaker. If he is at all interested in staying in the marriage, he will go.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck to you.

Louise - posted on 07/16/2012

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I think you have serious issues going on here that need addressing. But if he wont talk to you then there is nothing that you can do. How long are you willing to live like this? If you think he is cheating then trust your intuition. Believe me, men are shits! You have to decide what you are willing to let go and what you can forgive. For me finding that text would be the end of a marriage. If he had told another woman he is moving out and divorcing me then sod it he can go! Get legal advice on where you stand financially before you decide what to do.

Stifler's - posted on 07/15/2012

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You have 4 children! I'd be stressed out too. I snap and I only have 2. We fight but we make up. it's on him to regain your trust. If it was me I'd be moving out when I found things saying he was going to divorce me and get with them!

Christine - posted on 07/14/2012

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He's the one that needs to worry about gaining back your trust. He's the one that broke it! You have every damn right in the world to feel unable to believe him or his intentions and if he doesn't care to earn it back then your always going to worry about it. You should have more self respect than that.

Christine - posted on 07/14/2012

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From what your saying it seems to me that your in a moderately unhealthy marriage. People cheat (or attempt to cheat) for a reason and if your just addressing the behavior itself and not the reasoning behind it, its not going to be very long until you find him doing the same thing over again. A marriage takes 2 people and if hes not willingly to get help then you can either stay and learn to deal with it or you can wise up and realize that once a person crosses that cheating line its REALLY hard to ever get back to a good place in the relationship.

Lauren - posted on 07/14/2012

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Its just so hard for me to get him to open up to me I get him to talk to me more than he used to It stresses me out more than anything when he acts like this and then I don't know what to say or do to make him talk we are not speaking to each other now but I think he is still upset about earlier this morning and I don't wanna say anything to make him mad again.....I have talked to him before about going to work and he dosen't want me to since the cost of day care like I said before I make money now babysitting kids I just made 240.00 dollars watching kids so at least I am doing something to bring in money and not just staying home I used to work at a family coffee shop and I was bored doing that (I was pregnat at the time) there wasn't enough stuff to do and I am more active at home I clean,cook,play with the kids I normally take an hour break in the afternoon and watch tv but the kids are sleeping...I'm to the point now where I can't handle the stressed of marriage life and I feel like no one else I know who is married has all these stresses...we used to go to church and I felt like that kinda got us both away from the house and I thought it made things better but I don't know for sure....? I was looking for a job at night just to make some extra money but he can't handle our daughter he gets so mad at her and he runs with the fire co. and is on call for work most of the time so its hard to find a sitter! :( How do I keep that thought out of my head that hes cheating on me? I feel like when he was talking to that girl before he cheated so its hard for me to trust him again and sometimes I think stupid stuff when he goes away so how to I learn to trust him agian?

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