I can not stand my Step Son!

Lindsay - posted on 01/27/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for over 6yrs. He has two sons a 14yr old and a 9yr old. For the past 5yrs I have raised the younger one almost full time and we had the older one every other weekend. This summer the older one moved in full time. I have never been able to handle the older one. Since I have been with his father he has been nothing but a problem. He is sweet in front of his father then a complete dick behind his back. I have tried numerous times to have a relationship with him and we might be good for a few weeks but then he is back at it! He is not normal, he can not do anything on his own. He has no respect and thinks everything should be handed to him. He plays everyone and is very manipulative. My husband and I are at a breaking point if I even yell at the older one my husband thinks I am just being mean and will tell me to stop right in front of him. I know I am a horrible person for saying this but I am at the point where I cant even stand to look at him. I don't know how much more I can take and I am worried my marriage will not make it through this. PLEASE HELP!!!

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Raye - posted on 01/27/2016

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You and your husband should be united and back each other up so the kids know you both have authority. You should not yell at the child. Calmly put your foot down and don't accept the bad behavior. Consistency with rules and consequences for all the kids.

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Lindsay - posted on 01/28/2016

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Thank you. I am looking into counseling because I am being blamed for everything. You are correct my husband needs to understand he is part of the problem.

Raye - posted on 01/28/2016

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Ask your husband how he thinks he's helping the children by letting them off the hook all the time? If they don't learn responsibility and life skills now, it will only get worse. He's setting them up to fail as adults. Maybe dad needs counseling and/or parenting classes. If he's depriving the younger son of things and blaming you, then he's encouraging animosity and headed for disaster with that child, too. Very not good.

Lindsay - posted on 01/28/2016

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You are completely right. He is out of control and it is because of his parents. His mom was 16 when she had him and then married and had 3 more kids that she actually was old enough to raise and my husband is trying to make up for poor choices from when the kid was little. BUT this is where my resentment for him comes from. He does not know how to make a bed, clip his nails, blow his nose, pick out clothes, be home alone act in front of people and he is downright nasty to his brother. Before he lived with us we would just not go places on the weekend with him because of house bad he is but now with him living here full time we have to and I am the one constantly on him to change and act his age. Then my husband thinks I am just being rude and mean and tells me to stop in front of him. This just sets us back even more. We had a fun event we were suppose to go to last night my 9yr old step son and I and my husband told my 9yr old step son that I was not allowed to take him because I am mean to the older one. This is now making the 9yr old resent the 14yr old too and my husband is making it even worse. I really don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure my husband knows his 14yr old is not right and bad but he wont admit to it. I told the 14yr old that he needs to study for midterms and that started an argument with the kid and then my husband told me to let him go. He is our responsibility and I am a stay at home mom so I am with him all the time! I just don't know what more to do.

Raye - posted on 01/28/2016

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Fact is, the kid is part of your family. So, you should treat him as such. I'm a step-mom, and I know how hard it is sometimes when the kids are acting up, but I would never say I "can't stand" them. I may be fed up with certain behaviors, and that's one thing. But it's hard for me to hold a grudge against them because they only know what they've been taught. Obviously the parents haven't done them any favors to allow the behavior to get so bad. Kids push boundaries... It's like their job. And all parental figures need to be there to show them exactly where the limits of those boundaries are. If the kid hasn't had structure and discipline prior to this point, then it's no wonder he's out of control. If you want to limit your interaction with him, then that's your choice. But what would really help the kid would be for you and hubby to get on the same page and both put a stop to the bad behavior (from the kids and from the adults).

Lindsay - posted on 01/27/2016

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Thank you, I have been telling my husband that he needs to wait until we are alone to tell me if he disagrees with what I said. I don't actually yell just disapline and I disapline both kids the same but since my husband knows how much I can not stand him he thinks I am harsher on the older one. My stepson hung out with friends all weekend and Sunday morning came and I asked if we could go grocery shopping and get coffee without the 14yr old and he flipped out because I didn't want him to tag along. Am I wrong for wanted to do things without him, he's 14 isn't that when you stop wanted to tag along with your parents?

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