I feel like I'm a single mom.

Rachelle - posted on 04/18/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I noticed that's an issue with a lot of stay at home moms. But this has been wearing on me.
Even during my pregnancy it seemed like my husband wasn't interested. He'd make an excuse and say he had to be somewhere. I think mostly I just felt like he had other priorities above me and the pregnancy. Even now, with my LO being 5 mo, he shows no interest. I bath her, cloth her, change 95% of her diapers, and he doesn't even play with her. He will hold her a few times a day, but that's about it. He has four kids from his previous marriage, two of which his ex brought from her previous marriage. The two oldest are 16(girl) and 14(boy) and they constantly bully the two little ones, 7(girl) and 10(boy). The youngest girl is clingy and constantly demands attention from her dad, too the point where he has to tell her to go play alone so he can spend time with the others. She tattles and instigates, and gets away with everything. My husband is supposed to only have the two littlest every other weekend, but we have them every day after school. They usually spend the night at least 2-3 days a week, and stay every weekend. We're still paying full child support, even though the children never eat a single meal at the ex's house. She even expects him to pay for the older two, but she won't go after their real dad for child support. The two oldest only come around when they want money. I get so mad that he spends so much time with his two littlest, but barely pays attention to our little girl. We used to travel a lot together, but since we had the baby, he gets too stressed out when we travel with him. One day he was giving me attitude, and I said it felt like he would have rather we didn't have our baby. He basically said that's how he felt. He wants someone to run the roads with him without any extra baggage. I think at one point he was even looking for someone else on craigslist. He forgets he was the one who wanted the baby more than I did at one point. She was unexpected, and he reassured me that everything would be okay. My husband actually seemed excited earlier in the pregnancy. I don't know what happened to change his mind.
Now he's never home, usually gone from half a week to a week. Sometimes he's gone for two. Then he'll come home for two or three days and he's gone again. Then he expects me to be a perfect mom to the kids. Cook, clean, be their best friend. But I'm so over overwhelmed! He forgets I just had my first kid! I don't know how to be a perfect mom! I barely have energy at the end of the day to wash my face and crawl in bed. And the kids have such behavioral problems! Their mother doesn't discipline them AT ALL. Then they come here and expect to be coddled constantly and not get disciplined when they do something wrong. They say I'm mean because I end up being the only one who will say anything to them. I've about had it. I had a good job when I met my husband, I was going to school to get my bachelor's, I had my own place, and my own vehicle. He convinced me we should move two hours from my family so he could be near the kids. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I sold my truck so I could buy the car seat, stroller, and baby bed. I'm unhappy and lonely all the time. And I'm so sorry if this was scattered and long, I just need to vent. I love my baby girl so much, and now I'm financially dependant on my husband. I don't want to leave him, I just want him to realize what I go through.

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Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2014

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Good morning Rachelle:) First I would like to say that you are beyond being a super mom. You seem to be a very strong person for putting up with all the kids, all I can say is WOW!!. My advice to you is you need to put your foot down and ask your husband to take some time for you two and tell him how important it is that you need to talk about you daily life with these children and really let him know how you feel. He should never expect you to be 100% by the end of the day. I myself was trying to be super mom just so my husband wouldn't think that I was being a lazy bumm, which I'm far from it because of the way I was raised. My sister gave me good advice and now I am trying to pass it on to other moms, and that is she noticed me stressing cause my daughter would fuss a little and I would just have a little steam. We do oovoo chat everyweek for an hour and it has brought us closer. As soon as she told me that I can't be super mom, I immedietly stopped and boy did it change my life forever. If your husband makes an excuse for you wanting to sit down and try to come up with a plan and also get your feelings out, then it's time for therapy my friend. He really needs to know how your feeling cause you can't take good care of anyone until your needs are meet and your happy with yourself. Please don't let him tell you different or that your not being a super mom, cause you are a super mom and have proven it to your best efforts. I myself have a 8 month old and we are teaching her manners by telling her thank you and your welcome everytime we talk to her. I was raised in a foster home and was very disiplined very well. Your husbands kids from previous relationships were never structured and that is making things hard on you while your trying to love your 1st child to the fullest. You gave up a lot for your baby and husband and I think he needs a reality check and some really good therapy for both of you and the kids. I wish I could help you, are you able to join any mommy groups or have a friend over once in a while to keep your mind off the craziness? If I come up with some ideas for you that I think could help your situations, I will share them with you. I have learned so much with our 1st daughter and I am a stay at home mom too. I joined Gymboree and I have to say it has changed my life forever and I have only gone once only because I just joined, but while I was there I met a new mommy who stays home and we have so much in common, we have made a decision to carpool once a week and take our kids to Gymboree. It's ok to vent on circle of moms that's what it's there for. I find that being a member on circle of moms has really helped me not only helping others but it has made me feel better too. I have also changed my routine at home to help with my stress and that is no matter what I am doiing in the house I have put soundscapes music on my tv and remind myself to take a deep breath every hour even if I'm not stressed out just to keep me focused and stay on track. I'm not trying to be super mom anymore I just do what I can and want (chores and relax) LOL! instead of cleaning the house everyday and making sure that everything is perfect for my husband even though he doesn't expect it at all. One thing I wish I had done is go back to work after she was born. I begged my husband to let me stay home for at least her 1st year but realized that unless I have a hobby or mommy group it's just to crazy and yes I got lonely too and sometimes wished I was a free bird but I would never change my life now because I have taken advice and used it the best way possible. I really hope this helps and I'm here if you need me. Have a good week and remember YOU CAN'T BE A SUPERMOM JUST A LOVING ONE THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE. YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB GIRL, KEEP IT UP AND STAY STRONG.

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Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2014

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Hi Rachelle,

Glad my letter did some good even if it's just for a moment but just know that you did a lot and that is getting the conversation started. Everytime you feel change, you need to address it so it's something that hopefully he will take to heart permenetly and if he loves you then he will. Only you need to know why he's gone so much but I know that can be difficult cause it takes a very strong loveing couple to raise a child and or children. Im glad to hear that when you move that your ready to get involved in mommy groups hopefully you can find a Gymboree or something similar, it will truly help. Have a great evening and don't forget to breath. -Gretchen

Rachelle - posted on 04/28/2014

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Gretchen,
Thank you for the wonderful encouragement. I had a talk with him about how I was feeling, and he agreed that he expects too much out of me. Then for that day, it seemed like he loved me like he used to, when we first met. But then it seemed like her forgot what we talked about. We're moving to Michigan, and I think one of my first things to do well be to find other moms. His other children will only be with us during the summer. It will help, but I sort of feel like it just an avoidance of the issue.

Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2014

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Hi Rachelle I see my letter to you from this am was saved:) I hope you get it soon. I just read a negative reply sent to you and my advice is try not to think about it to much just because it's not very helpful.
gretchen

Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2014

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Hi Rachelle I'm testing this message being sent to you to see if it will work.
gretchen

Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2014

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Hi Rachelle Ive been trying to post a reply all morning but for some reason it wont let me unless I sign in and I have done that twice. I will keep trying I won't forget about you
gretchen

Jane - posted on 04/28/2014

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Rachelle this guy is only interested in screwing you. He doesn't really love you.

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