I feel like my husband is being unfair

Alicia - posted on 08/30/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I'm a SAHM. He works hard and a lot. He is a manager of a restaurant. He gets tips everyday so that's more money on top of his paycheck. We aren't poor in the least. I feel as though I work hard around the house and with our 16 month old. I make his meals. Iron his work clothes before work. Keep his house clean. Take care of our child. Sometimes I want just even $5 for myself. He comes home half the nights with tons of tips and I ask for $5 and he'll tell me no because we need it but then he'll turn around and spend some of it. He always tells me I have a bank card but every time I even try or ask he says we don't have the money. I understand but I don't see what's so wrong with $5. Even for a month $5. But he gets all defensive and says "sorry I don't make enough for you". I often thought about a strike. Lol

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Esther - posted on 04/13/2015

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The situation you are in raises a few red flags for me, based on my experience. First of all, both of you should agree to where YOUR money is spent and how it is spent. Because there is little information in your post, I am going to answer your question in two different ways:
The first is assuming that you both agreed that you would be a stay at home mom and that this was a mutual choice. Some men are not okay with being the sole breadwinner, and feel like they have no choice in the matter. An honest conversation with him about it may be in order. If you both agreed that you should be the SAHM, and he should be the breadwinner, did you talk about finances? How do you purchase food? Do you both shop together? Who pays the bills, takes care of the bank account? If you are at home all day, cooking cleaning and taking care of a baby with no access to the bank account, this is a very scary and controlling situation. If he makes the money, pays the bills and takes care of the groceries, gas for the car, etc. and you have no access to the money this is not a healthy relationship.

OR maybe he is overly worried about finances and the stress is getting to him? Maybe you are a spendthrift and the burden of the budget falls solely to him? (not by choice, but by necessity) If so, an honest conversation about your situation is in order. You should both be deciding purchases together and his "tips" that he brings home, are yours too! You should plan out a budget, and plan for the minimum tips he receives each day, anything over that can be used for something you both agree on, whether its a fun night for you both, or something you need or he needs at the time.

One thing I did with my husband when we were young and our children were little was to call around and get daycare quotes from as many providers in our area, checked into the cost of housecleaning, dry cleaning, a second vehicle and any other costs I could think of that I was providing (fresh veggies from a home garden?) and made him a detailed cost analysis chart.

At that time in our lives, this list I had created would have cost about $1800 per month, way more than I could have made at the time (this was 20 years ago) he was sold and realized the "true cost" of raising children from a simple calculation and a little research. You are working every day, just because you do not have a "check" at the end of the week means nothing. So much of what a stay at home mother does is worthy and cost effective, not to mention (in my opinion) the optimal way to raise children. No offense to working moms, because I am one now and have three teens and an elementary school child, but can say from experience that running our household is very costly and at lease half of what I make now goes into childcare, and extra costs associated with a full time job.

If he is a real man, he will sit down with you and agree to a budget, make decisions with you and respect your choices to be a SAHM. If he doesn't really want you to be a SAHM, is he ready to do half of the household chores, iron his own clothes and otherwise pitch in 50/50? Not to be negative, but this is rare.

If he is on the immature side and doesn't see the worth of having a mother at home for his child, but expects you to work and take care of the house/child, is unwilling to make decisions with you or value what you do it may be time to really consider staying with him.

Shannon - posted on 04/04/2014

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You are his wife and have just as much right to whatever money he brings home as he does. You need to nip this in the bud fast. It's common for SAHM to give up some of the $ power in the relationship but that is wrong. I would figure out when he has time for a conversation and I would catch him off guard with this: "Honey, I've been doing a lot of thinking about our finances. I know that only having one income is tough but we both agreed it's the right thing for our family. Since I am the one with the extra time AND I am the purchaser of food and such, it only makes sense that I should be in charge of the money. Most SAHM's are. I have lots of ideas of how we can be more frugal but in order for that to really work, I need to know what I have to work with. I know this is a big change away from how we usually do things, but are you willing to give it a 3 month trial period?" If he says "yes"-great. if he says "maybe"-respond with, "I am serious about this, let's talk about it in two days" (then really drop the subject for 2 days). If he says "no"- respond with "Well I don't like the way things are now. My idea makes a lot of sense for now and in the near future. I want you to think about this and we will come back to it in a few days."

What you are doing is ferreting out if he is willing to work with you as his wife or if he has some control freak issues.

Ashley M - posted on 04/04/2014

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he will pay more for half childcare bill then now youre home doing that. so you can tell him if youre not appercated then he can help with chilcare so you can go make some money its all fun and games till you bring home more cash then he doues working two jobs in less hrs. this is what happend to me best advice be idemenent not only will you have cash you will also have his attion and respect as well

Dana - posted on 09/11/2013

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Hi Alicia. I agree. Your husband is being completely unfair. Obviously I don't know either of you, but it sounds like he is way too controlling and that's a red flag. You are married. You shouldn't have to ask for money. Why don't you have a joint account, with your own debit card? Do you make him ask permission to hold his child you're raising? Or eat the dinner you cooked? Or wear the clothes you washed and ironed? I won't advise on how to approach him about it, but maybe he'd act differently if he realized how much money you are saving by doing all those things yourself. Maybe you need an impartial 3rd party to help the two of you find some compromise where you build more of an equal partnership rather than a hierarchy.There's no way you should tolerate that. Good luck!!

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I hated asking my husband for money because he would always have some sort of reason like I did not need this or that. I am a grown woman and it made me feel small. I finally just started doing freelance work to make my own money so I would not have to belittle myself anymore and NOW he is asking me for my money to help out.

Sylvia - posted on 09/07/2013

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that just seems ridiculous to me. Because you are not able to work, you need to demand for some sort of an allowance for your own needs, even if it's something stupid like Starbucks a few times a week. I am sorry. He doesn't make enough for you? Then tell him that you will GLADLY get yourself a job and HE can spend HIS money on a nanny, then I wonder if he will still be stingy on $5.
I am a stay at home mom as well and my husband puts $1200 every two weeks in my account, that money goes towards groceries, birthday gifts, kids clothes, my personal stuff etc. All he does is pay for mortgage, cars, insurance etc... big bills. It works perfect and gives me some sort of financial independence.

Kim - posted on 09/03/2013

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Forget about having to get your own job just for a few mealsy bucks of your own! Husband and Father is part of a family, and the sacrifices you both make need to benefit the entire family. Demand an active role in the financial side of your relationship, budgeting and otherwise. THen maybe you will both see where the extra could go, for both of you. In my book, it is NOT ok for him to act like you don't deserve it.

Rachael - posted on 08/31/2013

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yea you can even baby sit in ur home to make some extra $ or help out a elderly person that doesn't mind the baby. just some ideas. i had the same issue with my hubby and i threaten to leave and he changed quick. good luck!

Carrie - posted on 08/30/2013

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I would think about getting something part time then maybe? I'm on maternity leave so I get a lil bit of $ every two weeks but I left a full time job at 9 months preggo and have been supporting myself for a long time before that so it's quite an adjustment to have to rely on someone else for everything!! I have an awesome hubby who I hate to ask for money but if I need it he gives it and happily.. I guess all I'm suggesting is that you talk with him about part time work and child care while ur workin and maybe the conversation will flow into something that works for both of you?

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