I feel like my husband is disconnected. What should I do?

Mrs. - posted on 05/03/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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So, I am new and this is my first post. My husband and I are currently expecting our third child in a few weeks. We are both happy because we are having a girl after 2 boys. I guess I feel a little sad right now because I feel like he is disconnected. My husband is about to finish fire academy so he has not been able to make it to any of the appointments since January. I don't know if that is why he may not seem that interested in this pregnancy or maybe he is just over the whole pregnancy thing. It seems to be his whole attitude though. He is not that affectionate towards me anymore. We don't really kiss (except before he leaves for work in the morning), and he seems to pull away whenver I try to touch him. I don't really know what to think anymore and I'm not really sure if I should be sad or angry. All I know is that I am confused. Any ladied go through this while pregnant. I guess I will let you guys know that he was very attentive and affectionate with the first two. Thanks!

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Lindsey - posted on 05/03/2012

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Sounds like he is stressed, there is about to be another big change in his life, and he probably wants to be able to get done with fire academy so that he has a good means to provide for your family.

Crystal - posted on 05/03/2012

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This too shall pass as long as you hang in there!!! I can honestly say that because, like you, I have two boys and a girl. Our daughter is 4 months old so it wasn't that long ago I was in your shoes. My husband and I have a very open communication between us so I was free to talk about my feelings with him with ease without fear of it destroying our marriage. (I do realize that many couples have not reached that point even after years of marriage; so I stressed that factor a lot.) However, if you do possess that freedom with your husband, I would suggest you honestly ask him, "Are you feeling some extra stress like I am over having a girl finally?" I worded my question that way for a reason...the reason is to give him the chance to know that he's not alone in feeling anxious over another child so he has the chance to "bond" with you about the issue. Men view having little girls totally different than they do having a boy. I found that out first hand with my husband.

My husband was excited about our daughter, but he became also distant. However, it was to "protect" our baby girl and myself. I don't know if your pregnancy with your little girl is much harsher than it was for the boys like it was for me, but my pregnancy with our daughter was a living hell!! So, my husband treated me with kitten gloves. Make some aggressive moves sexually, let him know it's still safe to be initimate with you. :)

That is a brief verison of what I thought when I read this question. Communication is always key, but the trick is to not make him feel guilty for something he's doing/not doing. (Even if he is guilty as all get out!!)

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Liz - posted on 05/09/2012

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I went through the same thing with my husband when we had our daughter. We had 3 boys previously. I was very excited about finally having a girl, and he barely even acknowledged my pregnancy. He went to the ultrasound just like with the boys and he didn't act any differently. When she was born, he wouldn't even hold her. One of my friends was holding her and handed her to him and he almost dropped her. I was scared because I thought he hated her. For a few months he still wouldn't hold her, or talk about her, or acknowledge her presence. I thought he thought that she wasn't his. (RIDICULOUS by the way, because she looks JUST like he did as a baby.) I asked him about it and he said there was no problem. I don't know what happened, but eventually he fell in love with her and now he spoils her unlike he ever did with the boys. She has her daddy wrapped around her little finger now! She is 10 months old.
I would check your computer history as well, though. Not to make you paranoid. If there is no history, that's a red flag. I really hope he is just busy with his academy, and hopefully when he is done things will go back to normal. Good luck!

Stifler's - posted on 05/09/2012

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He also might be scared of the financial strains of having 3 kids as well.

Stifler's - posted on 05/09/2012

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He's just busy with his fire academy thing and probably mentally drained. My husband couldn't get time off for any of my scans with our second child because we'd just gotten married and gone away for 3 weeks. He is the same some days after being around people and trying to train idiots to drive machines and I get offended about it sometimes but because I stay home I WANT physical contact and long conversations and lots of sex he's overwhelmed by people.

Marylou - posted on 05/09/2012

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I'm sure it's just stress from finishing the acadamy and the fact that the baby is a girl. I remember going to the Dr for my ultrasound and when the Dr said it was a girl, my husband kind of stepped back a little and said "Oh". Was really weird, but 9 years later, that is over with and he absolutely loves her.

I still would not discredit the fact that something else is wrong though. Try to talk again and keep your eyes open. When men don't kiss you anymore or hug, etc. It's a sign that something is wrong, but now it's time to figure out what that something is, ugh. Don't hound him though, just try to get it out of him in conversation:)

Rachel - posted on 05/09/2012

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Check your internet history....just to rule out the possibility that he's distant because he's building attachments elsewhere.

Carrie - posted on 05/07/2012

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Cards and special notes have worked for me. When I feel like my husband and I are drifting apart due to schedules, kids taking up time, or just every day stresses shutting us down.... I start to write special notes or give a card to my hubby. I write things that I appreciate about him and let him know that I am thankful for everything he does. I mention that he is a great father and wonderful husband and try to encourage him with every word. I have noticed that this brings us closer together, because it takes my mind off myself and the kids for a little while. Also, it's an open door for communication. He knows I care and he realizes that I see all the hard work he puts in for the family... then we began to engage more in each other and talk about our feelings, stresses, and other issues.
Try a card and maybe even a small gift (like his fav. choc. bar). Maybe this will put a smile on his face. Maybe he will embrace that moment to love on you and open up more to you. :)

Mrs. - posted on 05/03/2012

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Yes, I have asked him about it. When I ask him, he gets agitated and we wind up arguing about it. I know he is under a lot of pressure to finish right now but I just don't like being shut out.

Katherine - posted on 05/03/2012

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Maybe he is just really focused on finishing the fire academy.......he might not even realize he's doing it. Have you spoken to him about it? Maybe if you ask him, he'll explain.

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