I feel so frustrated...please...I need some advice!

Mary - posted on 03/29/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Ok here is my problem......I am 30 and my boyfriend (Jamie) is 25.....We have been together for 4 years now and we have an 8 month old son (Jayden). I am a stay at home mom while Jamie works. Jayden is going through seperation anxiety at the moment and will cry and scream to the point of choking himself and sometimes throwing up. The house is going to hell because I can't seem to figure out a way to get Jayden to stay calm enough for me to do any house hold cleaning.



Jamie usualy has 2 days a week off and I try and stuff a weeks worth of house work into those two days. Jamie does nothing but complain about how he just wants to relax and play video games......He usualy works from 2pm-11pm or 2pm-12am so he isn't much help on his work days either. I am at my breaking point. I feel like I am taking care of an 8 month old and a 16 year old. I have tried to explain to him that I don't have time to clean, do the laundry and cook all the meals like I used to and that at the moment things just kinda get lightly touched on untill his days off when he can help with the baby and I can focus on the work that has been building up. He complains saying it isn't fair cause he works 5 days a week and should have his time to relax on his days off....I told him I work 7 days a week with no time off and he still doesn't seem to understand.



I thought about kicking him out but I know I couldn't aford to take care of Jayden on my own and I do love him but he just doesn't seem to understand that a child changes things......I need some advice on how to handle this whole situation.

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First of all, this baby phase will pass, and quicker than you think, and Jayden needs you more than the house does. Decide what housework you absolutely need to get done in a day. For me it's: beds made, sink emptied, floors swept, rooms relatively tidied. Then let the rest wait for any free time you might find.
Next, men take a little...okay a lot longer to learn their place in family life than women. Unfortunately, it is up to you to help him find it. The first thing you need to do is praise him for accepting responsibility and working so hard for the family, especially at a time when so many men refuse and choose to walk away. He does deserve time for himself, as you do, so see if you can compromise. Maybe one day is completely his, to do whatever he wants. And the other day, he can bond with his son. Men want to be heroes, so emphasize how much Jayden needs him, how in a few months Jayden will idolize him and want to imitate him, so that special time with him now is an investment toward maybe the best buddy he has ever had. Also, you need you time, even if its just a long, hot bath after the baby is asleep. Something to recharge your batteries and help you feel human.
I am not telling you to be a slob! Just do not try to do everything or you will crash and burn! Be patient and understanding toward Jaime, he didn't carry Jayden for 9 months and fatherhood is new to him. Keep in mind that you are creating this family life for Jayden filled with love and memories. I don't know about you, but my happiest childhood memories are not based on how clean our house was, but the time we spent together.
When people ask me how I handle 6 kids 8 and under I tell them you have to have a sense of humor! Let that baby see and hear you laugh, sometimes it will be a lunatic laugh but do it anyways. I will pray for you guys and keep us posted!

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Erin - posted on 04/01/2009

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My husband and I had to go to counseling for him to relize that being a mom is 24 7 and we need help and time off too. Truthfully I tried the younger guy thing and ti didn't work. My husband is 5 years older then me and what a difference. I have been divorced too and I loved my ex at the time I left him but I had to do what was best for me. They say do the next best thing for you and that will be the right thing for everyone involved. The best thing for me is to be a good mom and wife now. And that is the best for my kids and husband. Stay if you feel that is best and don't let money be a reason for stayong. I fyou want to slug it out. Do! But if the only reason you are staying is financial you need to think what typw of example you are setting for your' child. They have so many programs to help the single mom. But like I said when I reached my breaking pt. with my husband we went to counseling and it made a world of difference. It was the best thing we ever did. And as far as your' baby goes it is a phase my 17 mo. old went through it and so did my 3 year old. It will get better

Jeanne - posted on 04/01/2009

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Quoting Ann:



Quoting Jeanne:

Hi, Ok sorry for affending anyone in advance. Yes stay at home moms do everything all the time 24/7 with no time off, but they was I feel is that it was so important for me to stay home that I don't care. My husband had to take a job where is works 12 hour shifts and is on a swing shift, nights one week, days the next. So when he has a day off, it is his. He can do what he likes. Yes I know we mom's deserve it too. But look at it as a day full of hugs and kisses from your child is the best. I do all the house work, cleaning, yard work and then some. We all have to make sacrifices and really life is too short to fight about the little things.





 






Are you serious???? You really don't want any help from your husband?  I love my son more than life itself, but if I didn't get a break every now and then....I would lose my mind!!!! I am all for making sacrafices, but I need "me time" too!!! 






 I have been blessed with a job that has allowed me to take my son to work with me, so I am with him 24/7. My husband works 5 days a week and he knows that on one of his days off, our son is his sidekick! The other day, he gets to do pretty much whatever he wants. He also helps around the house though.  I have always said "he was trained well by his mother". He has always done things for himself. If he see's the laundry basket getting full, he does laundry. If he see's there are things that need to be picked up, he picks them up.  It is all about compromise and team work! You just have to stick to your word, just like you would your kids. If you say you are going to do something, do it! Then he will know that you mean business.






 My husband helps wtih the kids but not housework and I don't expect him too. When he is home he trys hard to do stuff with the kids and takes them on special daddy outings, but cooking, cleaning, laundry I can do that. The most important thing is the kids and as long as they get their daddy time in.





 

Ronica - posted on 04/01/2009

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Ok, so I hear what your saying. Give lots of TLC to your little one, this will pass. It is a phase, he'll be okay. And it is normal for you house look like it's in a tornado all the time. Do your best, nothing more because if you try harder you'll go crazy! Have you thought about putting him in a carrier and cleaning that way?  I did that with our baby, worked very well. In regards to your boyfriend playing video games.... may sound dumb but I a lot only a certain amount of time for my husband to do that. Like 3 hours at night after our baby is asleep and if I want to talk or cuddle that takes priority. What you need to do is say 'look I need a break, you take the baby for a few hours', thats it. No cleaning just baby duty. His attitude will start to change and after a few trips out in a month, say 'I didn't get this done can you?' Our daughter is almost 18 months and my husband was the same way,( until our baby was about 6months), he was totally introduced to the light when he was laid off 2 months ago. It wasn't the best thing financially but for our marriage it was. He finally saw how much I did do and how hard it is. Stress Daddy time, every week. Your son needs the time and your boyfriend does too, he'll make a stronger bond which will make your son not have such bad seperation anxiety. Clearly your son realizes what role his father is, but does your boyfriend realize how important he is to his son?

Ann - posted on 03/31/2009

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Quoting Jeanne:

Hi, Ok sorry for affending anyone in advance. Yes stay at home moms do everything all the time 24/7 with no time off, but they was I feel is that it was so important for me to stay home that I don't care. My husband had to take a job where is works 12 hour shifts and is on a swing shift, nights one week, days the next. So when he has a day off, it is his. He can do what he likes. Yes I know we mom's deserve it too. But look at it as a day full of hugs and kisses from your child is the best. I do all the house work, cleaning, yard work and then some. We all have to make sacrifices and really life is too short to fight about the little things.


 



Are you serious???? You really don't want any help from your husband?  I love my son more than life itself, but if I didn't get a break every now and then....I would lose my mind!!!! I am all for making sacrafices, but I need "me time" too!!! 



 I have been blessed with a job that has allowed me to take my son to work with me, so I am with him 24/7. My husband works 5 days a week and he knows that on one of his days off, our son is his sidekick! The other day, he gets to do pretty much whatever he wants. He also helps around the house though.  I have always said "he was trained well by his mother". He has always done things for himself. If he see's the laundry basket getting full, he does laundry. If he see's there are things that need to be picked up, he picks them up.  It is all about compromise and team work! You just have to stick to your word, just like you would your kids. If you say you are going to do something, do it! Then he will know that you mean business.



 

Jaime-Lynne - posted on 03/31/2009

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Learn to accept the mess for a little bit. enjoy your son as much as you can, he's only little for such a short time. tell your b/f to get off his lazy ass and help you in anyway you need him to. He lives there just as much as you do, he's a parent too. and ya so he goes out to work, you work just as hard, if not harder by staying home and being with your child 24 hours a day 7 days a week. you dont get a day off, so he needs to be helping you out on his.. even if it's to take your son to the park, or for a walk, or to the store or something, just so you get a break from being a mom...even if it is to clean up the mess.. He's a father now, he needs to stop acting like a child... ( unless it's while he's playing with your son that is.. haha )

Jolene - posted on 03/31/2009

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Well, this phase of seperation anxiety won't last forever so remember that! And as for your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure there is countless other men like that. I think I've probably repeated the "I work 7 days a week, no weekend or holidays or days to sleep in, your day ends at 5pm when you get off work. Even then mine doesn't end when she goes to bed because if she wakes up at night I'm the one who gets up with her!" about 45734968 times! lol. He still doesn't get it, and I don't think they ever will.

If house work falls behind a bit just remember your house won't be a mess forever! If you need to clean the kitchen try putting him in his high chair with a snack. He will feel apart of things and still close to you. Depending on how many naps he is having a day, try doing some cleaning during one of his naps. Don't do cleaning on both naps though or else you'll feel burnt out. Good luck!

Mistee - posted on 03/31/2009

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I have the same problem with my fiace.I know we shouldn't have to ask them for help, but men don't think the same as we do.I have found that when i ask him to do something he has no problem doing it. it was hard at first, but now there is no more fighting about who is doing what, we both help out & spend our time together & with the kids ( we have 3)...I don't get mad any more there is no point...I simply say "would u mind hanging out with the baby while i finish up the laundry" or could u please load & run the dishwasher while i give the kids a bath"....i know it sounds funny, but it really has made our lives sooo much easier...best of luck:)

Jeanne - posted on 03/31/2009

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Hi, Ok sorry for affending anyone in advance. Yes stay at home moms do everything all the time 24/7 with no time off, but they was I feel is that it was so important for me to stay home that I don't care. My husband had to take a job where is works 12 hour shifts and is on a swing shift, nights one week, days the next. So when he has a day off, it is his. He can do what he likes. Yes I know we mom's deserve it too. But look at it as a day full of hugs and kisses from your child is the best. I do all the house work, cleaning, yard work and then some. We all have to make sacrifices and really life is too short to fight about the little things.

Mary - posted on 03/31/2009

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LOL, Tegan!  I tell Jamie that all the time...If he doesn't clean up his gaming stuff I will throw it out.  The next time he leaves his games and cords all over the place I am going to put them in a bag and put them in the basement and tell him I threw them away and see what he does! 



I know he needs free time but so do I and I agree with you Claudia that he needs to get off his ass!  I told him this morning that we need to sit down and have a talk because if we keep going the way we are the relationship isn't going to make it.  We need to sit dow and figure out how to balance our time so that we can both have breaks and still get everything that needs to be done done and spend time with our son.  The fighting is not doing Jayden any good and I don't want to upset my child.



Thanks again everyone....feel free to keep the advice coming cause any type of advice on how to organise our time is greatly appreciated...... and I will let you all know how our little talk goes.

Tegan - posted on 03/31/2009

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I get most of the housework done with two little ones at home but there is no separation anxiety. I feel like the house looks like a tornado hit every day and I don't understand why. Well hubby just left for work and his shoes are in the middle of the kitchen ... his salad bowl and cup are still on the table from last night ... which will all be in the exact same spot when he gets home. I'm tired of picking up after him and have stopped.



If it doesn't get picked up, I'll just start throwing stuff away. I appreciate that he works all day so I can stay home with our son but I work too by taking care of my girlfriend's son.



I guarantee he'll get the idea when he doesn't have any clean underwear. :)

Claudia - posted on 03/30/2009

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My little girl had sep anx and I found that a BIG play yard helped with the problem.  She could still see me, but I'd do the dishes and go over and we'd read a story, then I'd sweep a room and we would play blocks.  Housework is important, so are the needs of your child.  It's true that sep anx doesn't last long, but you're not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by buying into it all the time.  That being said your boyfriend needs to get off his lazy ass and help you out a little on his days off and I would tell him it's part of being a FATHER.  He needs to spend some one on one time with the baby or he's not going to have a relationship with Jayden.  It's ok, to love Jamie and to want to kick him out at the same time, but you need to find a compromise.  EIther you get help from Jamie or hire someone to clean the house, I bet that will intice him to let you clean the house!!!

Mary - posted on 03/30/2009

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Thanks guys.  Being a first time mom is hard at any age and I sometimes feel like I am a kid again and am not sure what to do!  LOL....but I thonk what frustrates me the most is that Jamie does nothing around the house.....his reason...because you didn't ask me to!  I shouldn't hace to ask him but I guess alot of guys are like that!  I feel that the dishes and sweeping should be done every day....after all Jayden is crawling around now and the floors should be clean.  I also have to cook every day can't afford take out, LOL. 



I think my problem is that when I get up in the morning and I see how much of a mess the house is I want to clean soooooo bad and I start doing stuff and Jayden starts howling...even when I try bringing him room to room with me.  he wants to be crawling around with me at his side and that's all there is to it, lol......Jayden goes to bed at 8pm and Jamie plays video games all frigging night.  I don't think it is to much to ask for him to mind the baby for a while....while Jayden is awake. 



All in all I think I do need to learn and take a break to because I am at the end of my rope and I can't go on the way I have....I am not super woman, LOL.....I am gonna have a talk with Jamie and will update yas soon.



Thanks for the advice.

Joy - posted on 03/30/2009

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yeh chill out with the housework and cooking for a week or so and just concentrate on your baby (sep anxiety doesnt last long) see how he takes it. Your priority is your baby who is defenceless and helpless unlike a grwon 25 yr old man.



Oh yeh and it takes 2 to tango and have a child so it should ake 2 to raise and house a child.



 



good luck!!

April - posted on 03/29/2009

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I would ask a pediatrition about the sep anxiety, its really nothing to worry about, but you may just need to give him extra reassurance for a while and let the house work go~!

if youve told your boyfriend you cant do it all and need help with housework, and he says its not fair, then follow up! dont do all the housework, Jamie will get hungry sooner or later, and he'll need clean clothes sooner or later.... your priority is your baby and his needs, and jamie will have to buck up, put on his big boy underwear and deal withi it! sorry to be so harsh but sometimes it takes a wake up call, and as long as you keep his life convenient, he doesnt have any reason to change. its kind of like dealing with kids and giving them natural consequences, works on grown ups too sometimes :-) let me know how it goes!

Mary - posted on 03/29/2009

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I am hoping someone will be able to help me figure out a way to get through to Jamie without me having to kick him out.....really any advice or others similar stories would help so much!



 

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