i have a bigger problem than kids...my husband

Dane' - posted on 12/06/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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i have some changing to d but the more i change my husband becomes sooo mean idk wat to do

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Martha - posted on 12/08/2011

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I think sometimes as women we tend to get in 'man hater' modes where we put all the fault of a problem on the man instead of owning our part. We want to be love and cherished, but do not act like someone that is cherishable. I am not saying your husband is not wrong, I'm sure he is. I would suggest to keep trying to fix your behavior, keep trying to show him respect and be patient in waiting for a change in him. Sometimes our initial efforts are met with skepticism and it is the continued change that will win him back. A couple of suggestions, the movie fireproof is amazing to watch, also the book 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' by dr laura lessinger is a good one. It is hard to be the first one to decide not to fight or contribute to a problem and try to fix it instead. Our nature is to blame and pass guilt on. If you Control your actions attitude and heart, even if your marriage ( or husband) doesn't improve, if it doesn't work in the end you can say you tried everything you could. Also , please try everything you can to make it work, with 6 children you have an obligation to them. Marriage isn't always happy and wonderful, it can be hard at times. Marriages are made of people and they are not perfect. Children don't deserve to suffer from parents mistakes and they do suffer in divorce. Even poor marriages are better for children than divorce, my parents were never completely happy in their marriage and I knew that. They stayed married and it gave me a stable happy childhood. I knew they cared enough for me and my siblings not to rip our lives apart because they couldn't be happy with their choice. I respect them and appreciate them for it still, I am proud of them. They showed me that it is about a commitment you've made to God and each other, and not what I want at any given moment. I am not a perfect wife by any means far from it. But I find that if I ignore when my husband wrongs me and apologize for my behavior to him he is instantly softer and kinder to me and also apologizes too. Okay so this is lengthy, but keep trying it is worth it to invest in your marriage and children.

Dane' - posted on 12/08/2011

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totally agree..things are getting better. he told me today he said i love u dane' and he never calls me by my name unless he is really trying to get a point across

Stifler's - posted on 12/07/2011

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He definitely doesn't have the right to not treat you as a human being. You deserve to have things a bit your way too.

Kelina - posted on 12/07/2011

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submit does not mean you say nothing, agree with everything they do and say and become a meek voiceless person. It means to speak your opinions with respect knowing that someone else will make the final choice.

7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. that's in 1 Peter Ch. 3.
Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Submitting to our husbands doesn't give them the right to treat us badly and belittle us. Men are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church, our husbands should have the same level of devotion to us. Christ would never have belittled the church or called it degrading things. He was willing to give his life so that the church could continue. Sounds like you personally could use some counselling to work on the things you want to work on, but maybe after that some marriage counselling would be a good idea.

Dane' - posted on 12/07/2011

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i cant say i have ever been in your shoes other than the cleaning and giving kids baths and having dinner ready. but u did the right thing by leaving his inn i would have done the same thing from wat i see ur beautiful and he needs to get a life lol.. i just hope y'all daughter is doing good as well. dnt worry about the long post it helps more than it hurts

Sara - posted on 12/07/2011

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I've been thru a similar situation, I'm also 22, my husband at the time, and i had gotten married when we were still pregnant with our now 2 yr old daughter. We have been separated the past year and a few months mainly because he didn't want to grow up and help raise his own daughter and all he wanted to do was cheat on me, party, and talk down to me constantly. I didn't work because i stayed home with our daughter and I was for the most part, a great home wife. I cooked, cleaned, took care of our daughter, and had dinner on the table before he got home and he always had a hot meal for lunch and dinner. The only thing I asked of him was to help with our daughter on a few occassions such as: give her a bath, feed her a bottle while I showered, change a diaper, things of that nature. I didn't ask him to do these things daily because he's in the Army and worked hard every day so I know he wanted to come home and relax. Anyway, all he wanted to do was tell me how stupid I was and I was too fat, which btw I'm not I was slightly heavier than before I got pregnant but at the time our daughter was only a few months old so what did he expect? I've never been a size 5 or even a size 7 but I was a size 9 and i was trying to be confortable with myself because I grew up with low self esteem and all he did was make it worse! I eventually got tired of it and kicked him to the curb we still talk and he finally comes around to see his daughter and we're working to keep things civil since all we did was fight and not get along. We are doing a divorce since we don't get along. Since we've separated i've come a long way with my self esteem and I'm a lot happier now. What i'm saying is that I don'[t care what the Bible says, no man is to control you! I believe in God whole heartedly but I'm not going to wait on a man hand and foot and let him talk to me like I'm nothing. Good luck with whatever you do and choose to decide and good job for trying to fix things in yourself. and I apologize if this was a long post I just wanted to give you my advice/info. lol

Dane' - posted on 12/07/2011

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ok so we are pentecostal and he is a preacher but i have really gotten in the way of that by complaining so much. i have 4 step children and 2 of my own and im only 22. my complaining and stuff has taking a tole on him but he doesn't want me talking to my family about the kids so who do i talk to other than him. basically i have turned him into a wonderful husband to someone that will cuss me out now and im up here in new york working on myself bc i wasn't exactly raised up in a nice home. but im trying to change some of my ways to make my marriage work but the more i try the more he tears me down and its like if u want me to change u also have some changing to do but idk i guess i have to summit to my husband like the bible says but im to stubborn and i can only take so much abuse .

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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What exactly is he doing Dane' ? It's hard to give advice with not much to go on but good on you for realizing you need to change and working on yourself!

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