I left my husband and I am pregnant w/ his child

Megan - posted on 08/11/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have only been married for a year and a half and I left him about a month ago when I turned 2 1/2 months pregnant b/c he threatened to kill our baby. He had been controlling and physically abusive the whole time I wasn't allowed to do anything. And to me getting out was the best thing I could do for the baby before things had gottn even worse. But now that I am gone with no job b/c I was a stay at home wife b/c he wouldn't let me work and staying with my relatives and pregnant idk what to do. he keeps saying he will take my baby away from me and that he will win in court b/c he has a job and home. What do I do?

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C - posted on 08/14/2013

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Megan,
You have to remember that your not having a job is because of choice made within your marriage, probably between you and your husband?
You have left him because he was abusive and you left to keep you AND your baby safe.
In all cases, abusive men will say whatever they need to keep you from bringing the cops into the picture, but I promise you, keeping the police aware of what is going on is going to be one of the smartest things you do here.
If you don't start documenting and making sure he doesn't come around you, and that will include harassing phone calls, all of these things will come before the judge if he tries to gain custody.
Because you don't currently have a job is absolutely NO reason at all that any judge, in his or her right mind is going to grant custody to the father of a newborn child that NEEDS their mom.
If you were a druggy and a neglectful mom, this may be different.
You need to ignore, at this point, his threats of what he will do if you take legal action and do what is right for you and the baby like you did by leaving him.
Anything going into the courts will be he said she said and could be non relevant if you don't do what you need to on your end.

I really don't think you have anything at all to worry about, based on what you are saying, of him taking your baby away, but when the day comes in court, it is more favorable for you to have proof of his actions then just hearsay.

You getting a restraining order is proof that you feel threatened.
He will say everything he needs to to get you back or keep you from doing something you SHOULD do.

Ignore him, you left him, that was the BIGGEST step, now continue to protect you and your baby and take the next big step.

AnnMarie - posted on 08/13/2013

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Look, many many people are out of work and you don't see the state taking their kid (s) because they don't have a job. Having a job does not make you a fit parent. And if you don't start with some type of legal written record of his threats/ abuse against you and your unborn child HE WILL get visitation & he can say whatever he wants about you to the court. And he will (because he sounds like that type of guy)!! you need to find a safe place where he doesn't know you are, the police can help with that too(they know all the shelters and women in crisis centers). He is still controlling you (or tyring very hard to grasp at what little control he still has). Go to the police. Go now! Stop talking to him. Stop listening to him. Start speaking up for yourself, for your child!

C - posted on 08/12/2013

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I would find out what you need to do to get a restraining order now so that you have legal recourse at least while your pregnant he can't "legally" be within a certain distance of you.
I don't know if there is any documentation of his abuse, that would definitely be helpful, but I don't know that that would be necessary either to get a restraining order.
Just remember, this behavior of his will NOT change, don't get suckered back into an abusive situation, they don't turn out well.
Get all of the support you can from family and get back on your feet, stand strong.
It is very easy to get pulled back into those situations and once you have been away long enough to gain back the full value of your life and it's worth, you will be able to focus alone on being an amazing mom and requiring better qualities in men in the future.
As long as you have a good support system with family and you are a good parent, he is going to have a real tough time taking your baby. The courts know that, especially a newborn needs their mom, nursing (if this is your choice for feeing your baby), the nurturing, EVERY ounce of it is crucial.
His words are blank... concern yourself with you and your baby.

You will be ok Megan!!
Keep chatting and getting support in here as well. There are many people in your situation, I'm not one but I have friends who have been and I'm sure there is a lot of great advice to be given on this subject =)

Tabatha - posted on 08/11/2013

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all i can really say is be careful and go with your gut feeling talk to your family and ask if they will let you stay until you get on your feet and as long as it is a clean and well balanced living area there is your home. see if they will support you until you get a job and your own home and if he does take you to court make sure you tell them he threatened your unborn child they may have you take a lie detector test but that will only help you as long as you tell the truth and if i were you i would get a temporary pfa just to make sure he dont try to harm you or your baby but thats my opinion do what you think is right. i am new at this but i have gone through a similar situation and i got a pfa to be sure of my safety but i wasnt pregnant at the time. but go with what you feel is right and feel free to talk to me when ever youd like i will support you as much as possible. I HOPE ALL GOES WELL

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Camie - posted on 09/30/2013

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Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). They can give you resources in your area including court advocacy (for help with a protection order), shelter, job and counseling resources, safety plan, etc. Save yourself and your children and find resources and a support system to help you stay away from that abuser.
Abusive partners will lie to get you to stay. They want you to question yourself and feel insecure. Judges don't take young children away from their mothers if she doesn't have a job. Apply for benefits to help you with housing, childcare and medical. Good luck!

Deborah Ridgely - posted on 09/30/2013

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You are a strong, brave woman, doing the right thing to protect your child and yourself! Thank God that you got out now and seek out help with family, friends, and church people. Perhaps a pastor or family in the church will be able to offer you safe housing and supply your needs. God is taking good care of you, honey.
I think you should document dates and times of the mistreatment you recieved at the hands of your husband, take photos of injuries and bruises, and take this to the police, including any witnesses or neighbors who might have heard or seen the abuse. You definitely need a restraining order and a safe place(s) to stay. Perhaps in another town or even another state. Changing your name may be necessary if he pursues you. Please do not let him control you again.
I will be praying for you, that all things work out well. I hope you see that you are loved and protected, and that you are provided for.

Megan - posted on 08/19/2013

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hey Jennifer I am a Christian and I do go to church. And I have been sending out my resume and putting in aps. everywhere but still no calls or emails yet. I really need prayers.

Jennifer - posted on 08/18/2013

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Don't believe his lies. Do what you can to get your self together. Update a resume even if you aren't working volunteer someplace get some experience. Get your self esteem up again.... My daughters father hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old she is now 5. The best thing I did for my daughter and I was to let him go. Although it is difficult at times being a single mom it would be more difficult if you stayed. Find yourself a good Christian Church seek God and Jesus read your bible ask God for wisdom and direction and you will get it.

Darcy - posted on 08/13/2013

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You did the right thing getting out. Before they even consider what to do with the baby they need to make sure he is a fit person for a kid. He doesn't sound like it. You need to call CPS and explain what is going on. They have it on record that he threatened you and your unborn child he wont be considered as a fit parent. No one needs that kind of control in their lives. You don't need to find a job if your good with your hands (i.e. can knit or crochet) there are a lot of people out there that stay at home and make a living from selling things they make.

Megan - posted on 08/13/2013

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thank u everyone for the support and advise. I know I want to and should file a police report and take a restraining order out on him but he said If I do then he really come after me and even if he gets put in jail he wont b but for just a couple of days. So idk what to do plus he is still saying he is going to take the baby away from me once he/she is born, and that I am unfit b/c I don't have a job. Can he get custody just b/c I don't have a job right now?

AnnMarie - posted on 08/13/2013

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I have never been in your situation, thankfully, but I think you need to file a report with the police. Then you will have some written history when this baby comes. Talk to the police about a restraining order. He has made threats against your child and that should be taken seriously. You need to keep record of every txt, every phone call (record them somehow if you can), every time he contacts you. And yes get yourself a support system! You can do this, there is help out there even if it's not your family! It sounds like he has a track record of abuse with you and that its not going to change. You are very BRAVE to be taking back your control of this situation for your child.

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