I make the money....(venting)

Jade - posted on 10/07/2009 ( 46 moms have responded )

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Is anyone else absolutely annoyed and tired of heaing this all the time? I hate when my husband says it, even if it is technically true. Its not my fault they dont pay stay at home moms (altho they really should with all the crap we have to deal with!) I hate having to ask for money if i want to go get a snack, or ask if i can spend a certain amount to get a new outfit for me or my daughter or even new baby clothes for the twins that are coming. It drives me insane to know he controls it all and i dont have a choice since im not allowed to work anymore while im pregnant. Ok i think i feel a little better now, im just looking for some support and to know im not the only one who has to deal with this.

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Hannah - posted on 10/14/2009

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Yeah I hate it too, makes me crazy. The last time my husband said it to me (he used to say it all the time, it humiliated me.) I said "Well if its your money because your working for it, then she is my daughter because thats what I am working for. So you can have your money and I will have our baby." He hasnt said a word about it since.

Judi - posted on 10/12/2009

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Isn't funny the word "budget" stops the talk for a while and he still has the money to buy beer and smokes but I get my haircut once a year because Ricky needs speech therapy, OT, Group and lots of other things.

Lisa - posted on 10/12/2009

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My hubby made a remark jokingly one night when we were out with a bunch of friends and the men were all joking about women spending money. I very gently reminded him how much he would have to pay me in child support and then I would have my "own" money to raise "our" children. :)
I would just be honest with him about your needs and feelings. Ask to work out a budget together and try to include household expenses such as clothes and a small allowance for yourself, even if it's $20 a week so you can stop once in awhile to buy yourself a treat at the coffee shop.

Judi - posted on 10/12/2009

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It's funny because my hubby use to stay at home and I worked, did the shopping, cooking, cleaning and paid the bills and gave him an "allowance" to spend on him. now that I'm staying at home looking after our ASD son, doing the therapy myself because we can afford someone to come in and do it, plus the housework I feel that I'm the worse person in the world asking for money. So I knwo how you feel. Him falling asleep on the couch watching sport on my birthday didn't help the situation

Lisa - posted on 10/12/2009

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Wow. Now I know why I get loving when I get home. Hunny stays home with the kids and loves it.(she says) Whenever we got tight on money I would do more work and be away longer which just didnt work for either of us. I never got to see my kids and she had to do everything around the place. So now I only work 60 hrs a week and we both really watch what we spend. Its OUR money with access to the account via a card each and all bills paid on payday so we both know what we have left. It was hard to start with and doesnt make you feel very manly giving up some control but it makes us both happier now and we both know we have no money so nothing to fight over other than the kids at cuddle time. Thats just a mans slant on it.

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You aren't alone!! If he gives you a hard time about it, give him the list of things that needs to be bought, whether groceries, clothes etc., and make him go shopping for it all. If he "makes all the money" he can do all the shopping too!! Im sure it won't take too long before he'll find an alternative to that!!! (Have you talked about a second debit card to the account for convenience?) Good luck with your twins!!!

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Tabitha - posted on 10/14/2009

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What does everyone do from home? I need a small job so we can afford groceries when we buy our house but I really don't feel comfortable taking my son to a babysitter so something from home would be ideal I just always assumed they were scams

Ericka - posted on 10/13/2009

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I feel for you! Even though my husband never wanted me to work, so I can take care of our kids. I have 3 ages 15, 14, 11. He used to make the same remarks about his money. but reality hit when they were younger and I would only be working to pay daycare. My husband doesn't say much now, my youngest child is special needs and the two older ones get home from school last. So I can't work cause someone has to be here for him. But I tell my husband from time to time that on any given day I would trade him jobs. Even just for 24 hours. He knows he can't take care of our 11 year old son on his own. He always says no way. But I pay the bills and do the shopping for food. But I tell him where the money went. Good luck and let him know how you feel.

Lupe-Monica - posted on 10/13/2009

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OMG..I totally feel you..imagine having no car as well and not knowing how to drive stick shift..not only do i not have MY OWN money i dont have a car and im cooped up home all day lol i dont mind that part to much its the i can never get anything for myself without asking or feeling like a teenager again and getting my chores done so i can get my weekly allowence...i just wanna walk around naked at times and tell my husband well u make all the money so heres ur clothes and ur crap.....man oh man! this topic gets me everytime!

Brooke - posted on 10/13/2009

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My boyfriend/partner gives me a hard time also. I know money is tight and I rarely ask for extra for myself, I spend almost every penny on groceries or things for my son. I almost feel like the only way to get money from him is to say it's for our son, but that angers me at times, because I shouldn't be made to feel bad that god forbid I would like to buy something for me or our home or my car or whatever! I think that the partners need to remember that it's a PARTNERSHIP and that the money is SHARED, and that a stay at home mom is WORKING hard! If I put my son in daycare right now, we probably couldn't even afford it, regardless of how much I earn, and my partner agreed to have me stay home and be with our son, so why does he make the money issue a challenge everytime? You are not alone girlfriend! It totally sucks having to ask for money for the tiniest things, or just have enough on you while you're out running errands.

I feel if there is an equality respected & partnership, then both people should be treated as though they are capable of making financial decisions and having access to money equally. When either person controls all the money making decisions, it seems like they are saying they don't trust us with handling the money, and that's not fair. I'm the mother of our son, an adult, and have grown through experience, and I should be trusted with money that is the household's income, not just the husband's income. Okay, now I vented, probably didn't help you any, but you aren't alone!

Stacy - posted on 10/13/2009

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Hi Jade,

I'm sorry you have to put up with that. It's definately not fair for him to make you feel that way. I stay home with my kids as well, and my husband makes all the money. However, he's never said "I make the money. He says it's both our money, because you work at home taking care of the kids, and that's important. He's just a great guy all around and I'm so lucky to have him.

I wish you all the best with the arrival of you new babies. Take care and stay strong. Vent whenever you need, it's a good outlet.

Jessica - posted on 10/13/2009

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I get it too. My husband tells me that I have no say in what the money is spent on even though we share a bank account. His reasoning is that I don't bring in any money. Its true, I don't but I pull my weight by staying home with our 7 month old son and getting our 6 year old off to school. We may not be working but that doesn't mean that our husbands can't treat us as equals. Like the fact that they're working makes them better us. I don't think so.

Heather - posted on 10/11/2009

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Quoting Rianna:

AMEN!!! but i know deep down that my husband couldnt last one day with our daughter by himself =)



That is BEYOND true!!!

Heather - posted on 10/11/2009

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I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!!! It kind of hurts that my husband doesn't think I deserve to have a say with what WE do with OUR money!

Mary Ann - posted on 10/11/2009

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My husband said this and I knew he was just trying to push my buttons. I realized trying to convince him of my value would be useless... so I kindly reminded him that he was absolutely right - he IS the only one with a job and paycheck, but also the only one with a boss and job description. I am his WIFE, which means I can refuse to cook, clean, and have sex and I will still be legally entitled to every cent of his earnings. So if he would like me to continue happily providing those things he will think twice before he makes such an idiotic statement in the future, haha.

Natasha - posted on 10/11/2009

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My husband used to say this to me all the time too. I would get mad and he would say he was only joking but i knew he wasn't! every time we ran out of money it would be my fault even if i hadn't spent anything. I ended up writing down everything i spent and everything he spent and it had worked out we were spending about the same amount. He has finally realized how hard it is for me to be a stay at home mum and we have agreed to a certain amount to spend for both of us a week and this is working out great. I have my money he has his and he can't say i am spending his money.

[deleted account]

I have the same problem with my husband . He is a caveman , I man you woman . ! It gets tiring and I want ot even leave him sometimes . ! He gives me allowance for myself and that is all I get . Maybe that will help you out if he does that for you everytime he gets paid . ! If I need personal hygiene or anything he goes to the store for me and buys it or we go together . You should try that . ! If you need anything for the kids tell him ahead of time before he gets paid so he knows how much you need or he can let you know ahead of time how much he can give you for the kids . The allowance is your personal money for going to get snacks or lunches because you should have freedom to . !

Cindy - posted on 10/11/2009

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Congrats on the twins! My husband use to joke about it too, that he was the only one working so it was his money and then I gave him a list of the stuff I do around the house and told him that he would have to pay for his clothes washed, socks picked up out of the living rm floor ect. I told him my job was to pick up after our son and teach him how to clean up after him self not him that his mama should have raised him to learn how to do that. They funny thing is that I go nowhere and spend nothing and come find out it was him spending all the money stoping at the store 2 or 3 times a day buying candy and junk food...needless to say he don't joke about it any more b/c it was him spending the money not me. I did let him know that even though I dont make money my job is a lot harder then his even though he works for EMS he gets a break and I don't and if I wanted to go to town and buy me something then I would.

Lisa - posted on 10/11/2009

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I feel the same way--always explaning where the money has gone-trying to come up with new ways to cut back-- feeling guilty when I do buy something--I think I do a good job but it can be challenging-- I think working a couple of days a week (between school hours) will help and take our minds off of things--Good luck

[deleted account]

I am a sahm also and would not consider working outside the home but if you think about what that would mean to the family he might understand a little more of the

value you bring to the home. If you worked full time, he might have to do half of the housework, You would have to deduct money from the earnings for child care, work clothes, gas for the car, ect.... Just pointing this out and trying to set up a budget that would include some spending money for you. If their is extra for him than there should be some for you and kids.

Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2009

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I think if the bank account is in both of your names and you need or want something, go get it. If he doesn't ask your permission than you shouldn't ask his. I am a stay at home mom and I take care of all the finances. I take care of everything pertaining to the household stuff and the 4 kids, if I want something I will get it, I believe I have earned it. As long as you don't go over board, you should let him keep you from a little spending.

Amber - posted on 10/10/2009

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you are so not alone! My husband tells me that I dont have a job and that all I do is sit on my butt all day cause the house isnt clean by the time he comes home and supper isnt done n ready! I have 4 kids twins 5 and 3yr and 9 m! I have told him if he thought that was all i did n was that easy then he could do it and illl take his job (an electrician) I told him yeah go ahead someone could teach me how but we have yet to do that! LOL I cant even get him to keep the twins while I run to the store with a friend! Let alone get them ready for school in the morning I still have to wake him up so he can get ready n go to work and get him up Sat morn for school! well you could say that I have 5 kids to take care of!

Stephanie - posted on 10/10/2009

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I hear you! It always hurts my heart when my husband makes comments about how he works and he tired. The only difference is that my husband cannot budget money to save his life! I handle all the accounts and everything. He gets mad on occasion and asks where all the money goes.....which I feel like he should know....we are on allowance for goodness sakes.
Any who, that was my vent lol
I have started working from home as well and even though I am not making the big bucks just yet, it feel good to be pulling in a little bit for now, and this gives me the drive to continue on.
Oh and I agree SAHM should definately be paid something, I think they try and justify with a tax return for children. In my state we get 1500 back, but I really think it should be more!

Congrats on the twins!

http://www.ecofriendlymomteam.com/stepha...

"Are you afraid of Failure...? Funny thing is...the Only Guarantee of Failure is to Never Do Anything to Succeed."

Lori - posted on 10/09/2009

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I though my husband was the only one who used that line! However he dosn't give me trouble when I ask for money in fact he say's i spend less then he does. But it does get old when your the one doing the laundry..cleaning..cooking..diaper changing (2 still in diapers just got one potty trained)..all the baths..makeing all the bottles..And if you ask for just a little help that is what you hear. He knows how to push my buttons so now it's to the point I just get up and get the debit card and go. So i dont have to hear it. Just make sure to slip it back in its place.The way i see it someone need to pay us a little something..and it sould be him he helped get you here!

[deleted account]

Quoting Jade:

I make the money....(venting)

Is anyone else absolutely annoyed and tired of heaing this all the time? I hate when my husband says it, even if it is technically true. Its not my fault they dont pay stay at home moms (altho they really should with all the crap we have to deal with!) I hate having to ask for money if i want to go get a snack, or ask if i can spend a certain amount to get a new outfit for me or my daughter or even new baby clothes for the twins that are coming. It drives me insane to know he controls it all and i dont have a choice since im not allowed to work anymore while im pregnant. Ok i think i feel a little better now, im just looking for some support and to know im not the only one who has to deal with this.



i really feel you on this subject.But, my kids dad wont let me work he wants me to be a stay at home mom.Its like hello we need the extra money,What he gets is just not enough when you have kids growing like beanstalks

Lakesha - posted on 10/09/2009

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Reading this I can see why you needed to vent. I am a sahm but my husband isn't controlling when it comes to the money I spend. The way I see it, it's just as much yours as it is his. I think he should trust that you are able to make smart decisions when it comes to spending & you should be free to spend it where you see fit. If the bills are paid & savings are taken care of then why not? Save some, spend some & share some :o) hope your situation changes soon & he lightens up.

Kelly - posted on 10/09/2009

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I think we all get it to some degree-my husband doesn't say too much, other than he used to say (jokingly) "Get a job!" when I would mention wanting something (which wasn't often, because I am extremely thrifty!). I do handle our money, and did even years ago when I worked full-time. Several months ago, my husband's friend said something that really ticked me off though - he said that my one-day-a-week job was a "hobby", and if I worked 40 hours a week we could have a camper like he and his wife have. I didn't care so much what he thought, but my husband was standing there and he didn't say one word, which of course made it seem like he agreed with his friend. So, after I had stewed on this for a few days I talked to my husband about me getting a job, and what that would mean...putting our 3-year-old in full-time daycare, our 7-year-old in afterschool care, our teenagers having no parents at any of their sporting events, etc. He didn't come right out and apologize, but he has never said "Get a job!" again, because I explained that that really bothers me. I go to a lot of extremes to save money, like making home-made laundry detergent (I do a lot of laundry with a family of 6!), and hanging our clothes on the clothesline to dry whenever whether permits, so my husband knows I do not waste money. I hope you can get your husband to understand the importance of what you do--maybe threaten to get a job as soon as the twins come, and see what he thinks about all that childcare expense!

Elmary - posted on 10/09/2009

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Yeah........too funny mine either. Sometimes its nice to remind them of that. Witch mine agrees but doesn't like to here it.

Rianna - posted on 10/09/2009

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AMEN!!! but i know deep down that my husband couldnt last one day with our daughter by himself =)

Elmary - posted on 10/09/2009

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I feels nice to vent about things that are bothering you especially when your venting to people in the same boat. I never use to ask for money I had money and never had to account for where it went. naturally I guess they want to know where it goes and you will never convince them that you need(or want) most of the things you are planning on buying without hearing we don't need that.

Erika - posted on 10/09/2009

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Congrats on the twins!!! I used to have the same problem also, but I work from home now. So he doesn't say anything anymore. I like making extra money for myself. I like getting my nails, toes, & eyebrows done every couple of weeks. It's a nice way to get out and pamper myself. Explain to your hubby how you feel. Hopefully that will work.
Best Wishes!

Erika
http://www.4MyFamilyandme.com
Everything is Possible When you Have Faith!

Roxanne - posted on 10/09/2009

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Quoting Jade:

I make the money....(venting)

Is anyone else absolutely annoyed and tired of heaing this all the time? I hate when my husband says it, even if it is technically true. Its not my fault they dont pay stay at home moms (altho they really should with all the crap we have to deal with!) I hate having to ask for money if i want to go get a snack, or ask if i can spend a certain amount to get a new outfit for me or my daughter or even new baby clothes for the twins that are coming. It drives me insane to know he controls it all and i dont have a choice since im not allowed to work anymore while im pregnant. Ok i think i feel a little better now, im just looking for some support and to know im not the only one who has to deal with this.


Oh man, Amen Sister....It is amazing how much they think we just sit at home and have nothing to do. I always get, well what do you need that for...or why do you want to get that we don't need it. I hate the fact that times are hard and you can't really make all that much money and everything is just way to expensive on top of it. Money is for sure a big thorn in a marriages side. You just have to work together and be able to talk with each other, which is quite hard for some people. You are not alone I know

Alicia - posted on 10/08/2009

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congrats on the twins i hope they r a blast. ive always wanted twins but i have 4 kids already so no more!!haha

Alicia - posted on 10/08/2009

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Quoting Jade:



Quoting Jaimie:

CONGRATS!!! i can't wait to have another baby, i have fertility issues though, but I would love to have a little girl!






Lol wish i could send some of my luck your way! I keep getting pregant on birth control lol






me too!! just had my third on birth control.  good luck 2 u jaimie i hope u get ur wish..



 



 



but 2 answer the ? my husband actually just lets me control our finances and im also a stay at home mom.  he gives me crap about it being "his money" but hes just joking.  so idont really know how that is but i hope it gets better for u. 



 



i would do what i've seen moms do on tv



make a list of every thing u do and put a price with it and give it 2 him at the end of the week and tell him its his bill for ur services!!! haha just a suggestion.

Mary "Jeana" - posted on 10/08/2009

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Congratulations on you up coming babies! I have heard that so many times myself. I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years. I just let it go over my head, because I know what I do as a stay at home mom is worth more than he'll ever earn in a lifetime. We have gone a few rounds about it, but it isn't worth it. Figure out what you would earn if you were actually paid for what you do at home. I definetly would be more than he earns, I'm sure. I pick and choose my battles and now I have a Stay at Home business that I can call my own and contribute to our family income. Hang in there!

Jade - posted on 10/07/2009

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Quoting Jaimie:

CONGRATS!!! i can't wait to have another baby, i have fertility issues though, but I would love to have a little girl!



Lol wish i could send some of my luck your way! I keep getting pregant on birth control lol

Laura - posted on 10/07/2009

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well i know how you feel.. i stay home with our 4 kids and sometimes it is frustrating that i have to ask for money for the simplest things. so my hubby and i came up with a plan b/c it really bothered me. this is what we do.. he went out and bought me a walmart visa card and sometimes its not every time he gets payed but he will put 100.00 on it just for me. so i can use it for what ever i want but its just for me to use for me. b/c i like to spend on the kids almost any time i get money but the deal is with us and that i use it for me.. new clothes or get my hair done (dyeing it) or going out with my friends. its never used for like needs like gas or stuff like that. and so far it works great for us even if it is only once a month or once every 2 months its just nice b/c i do do alot around here.

Jaimie - posted on 10/07/2009

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CONGRATS!!! i can't wait to have another baby, i have fertility issues though, but I would love to have a little girl!

Jade - posted on 10/07/2009

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Quoting Jaimie:

your not the only one who hears it!! my husband use to say the same thing, until I started working from home. He's a long haul truck driver so I have to be home with our son, i could'nt go out and get a job somehwere cause we had no one to watch our son and i can't get a job around his school schedule lol, but working from home helps alot cause then he can't complain and it's something for me to do during the day. congrats on the twins! boys? girls? or both?



Boys! We are so excited since i have a two year old girl too. Im due at the beginning of next year

Jaimie - posted on 10/07/2009

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your not the only one who hears it!! my husband use to say the same thing, until I started working from home. He's a long haul truck driver so I have to be home with our son, i could'nt go out and get a job somehwere cause we had no one to watch our son and i can't get a job around his school schedule lol, but working from home helps alot cause then he can't complain and it's something for me to do during the day. congrats on the twins! boys? girls? or both?

Angelic - posted on 10/07/2009

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I had a similar problem years ago, then I took over the finances and was told I was spending all the money, My husband works off shore and was surprised that when he got home after working for so long that there wasn't much money, Then we sat down together and I accounted for every dime and to his surprise money doesn't last forever, and I was just paying the bills. Hopefully things will change at some point or you might get resentful about staying home, Not because you don't want to be with the kids but because you hate having to always ask for something( I know I did) but we worked it out and now staying home for me is more enjoyable.

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