I need advice!! when should my boys meet GRANDMAS BOYFRIEND???

Kayla - posted on 04/21/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have 2 little boys ages 22 months and 4 years old, and my husbands mother just recently seperated from her 4th husband of 5 years, she started seeing a new man about 3 weeks ago and NOW i am told he and his 2 kids are coming to our Family Easter get together..... Im not sure I am up to attending our family event becuz of this, I would just like for my boys to understand that you dont just pick up a new grandpa at walmart or anything!!!!!!! My husband grew up around it, unfortunately! but im not ready for my little boys to know about it yet. My LEAGAL father in law was all my boys knew as a grandfather becuz mine passed away 2 years ago and was in poor health for 2 years before that. I know I cant protect my kids from everything, but this is just WAY too soon for me and my kids!!!!!!!!!

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Amber - posted on 04/22/2011

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I wouldn't want my kids around that either. I don't even let friends come in and out of my son's life. People who are stable and likely to be around for a while are at family functions and around my house. But anybody who hasn't proven that they're a good influence and sticking around is socialized with when my son isn't around.
Five "grandpas" in five years sounds really confusing to me, and I'm not a kid.

When they are older, they understand relationships a little better and it isn't such a big deal. When they are young, getting attached to people and having them disappear for no apparent reason is confusing.

Also, I think that maybe you MIL should have asked the family if it was okay that new people come to a family gathering. We always ask in my family, even if we know the answer will be yes.

Schyla - posted on 04/23/2011

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My Grandmother had several "friends" when I was growing up when I was little that's all they were to me was Grandma's friend I never thought any less of my grandmother because of these friends and even as a teenager (and probably because no one made a big deal about it) when I knew what was going on did grandma's new "friend" bother me I loved my grandmother and that was that. so just a point of view form a kids perspective if you don't make a big deal of it and you just call her many suitors her friends then they probably won't care they're gonna be too busy playing to notice big person drama but if your uncomfortable with it then by all means you have the right to stay away!

Laura - posted on 04/22/2011

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Why does it need to be a "new grandpa" why can't he just be grandma's friend. My in-laws, while they are married, always have a bunch of friends over at their house for different events. They don't need to know anything else is going on. Please don't let this ruin your holiday. Good luck.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 04/21/2011

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Your kids are young enough they won't even remember. It gets very shady right now. I don't remember anything before I was 10 years old and what I do remember is random bits like a blue swimming pool and an amphitheater. So I wouldn't worry about it for another 4 years, seriously. By then, hopefully she finds a guy. If not, just tell your boys that grandma loves to date. You know, some people do. They are going to find this out through school, divorce conversations and growing up very soon anyway. Expecially in a day and era where people aren't marrying and having kids, where gays are getting married after having kids, or having kids together, and some people just date. Its very liberal lately, and as much as some of us don't like certain things, and want to teach our children certain morals, and rights and wrongs..... they will learn it anyway. As long as you talk to them later, not for years, then they should be fine and view it how you do for a while at least and hopefully by then they take your opinion of it for the rest of their lives. We can only hope and try to train our kids the best as we can. But seriously, you really don't have to worry about this for at least 4 years, if not 6. Your kids really will not understand for quite a while. Good luck :)

Elfrieda - posted on 04/21/2011

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It sounds like you're mad at your mother-in-law for separating from her husband. It's not wrong to feel that way, but I think it has little to do with what your sons will feel. You can just tell them that there will be other kids at the family gathering. Probably they will be happy to play with new kids! And if they notice a new man, tell them that Grandma invited her friend. I doubt they'll notice the new guy as much as they'll miss Grandpa. Maybe you can visit him separately?

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Alyssa - posted on 04/04/2012

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Hi Kayla. I have a similar situation going on, except it's my mom's boyfriend of 2 months. She wanted to have Easter with him and my family (I have a 2 & 1/2 year old and 4 &1/2 year old. My boys have known Grammy as being single their whole lives, and I think they would find it confusing that Grammy has a boyfriend. She just divorced for the 4th time after being separated for 4 years. Calling him a "friend" would also be odd if my 4 year old saw them being affectonate toward one another. She has no idea why I wouldn't want my boys around him. She has no idea about what affect this might have on my son let alone the confusion it might bring about in his little mind. 4 year olds are way smarter than we sometimes think and form most of their thoughts about the world/relationships starting at this young age. I personally don't feel comforrable with it, and she is insistent that he will be there, so we are not going. :( its sad, but I feel like I am making the best decision as a parent who wants to provide the most stable life as I can. Best wishes.

Elfrieda - posted on 04/23/2011

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I really don't think your kids will know what's going on. I have memories from when I was three all through childhood, but that doesn't mean I understood all the adult stuff going on. I can't imagine that your 4-year-old is sophisticated enough to know, either. Just don't discuss it when he can hear you. Let us know what you decide!

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Kayla,
I think that at 22 months you really are in the clear for awhile, and as for the 4 year old I think that the best thing to do would be to introduce him as grandma's "friend". and rather then calling him grandpa or any other of these names. Keep it simple, and if they happen to stay together, and get married or something then you can explain that they got married and he is their grandpa. They do not need to know anything about ex husband's or need to think these men are their grandpa's... It is bad enough when they are friends and then they are not around anymore! So try to keep it simple, 3 weeks is really nothing... at least this is my opinion!

Anthea - posted on 04/23/2011

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I think the bigger issue you make out of it, the bigger it will be. Your kids are only young and don't really need any explanation as to this new man. If the older one asks, as the above comments say - say it's grandmas friend.

Rachel - posted on 04/22/2011

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lol ohhh noo. i guess you cannot really make that choice. grandmothers seem to wanna still be in charge, however.. i think it hurts the kids more when the parents see other people.. i don;t think your boys will understand, at the same time they wont be affected...

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2011

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Yeah that's a lot for a little kid. I would just introduce him as grandma's friend and leave it at that. They'll figure out what's going on whether you want them to or not eventually but for now keep it innocent.

Alicia - posted on 04/22/2011

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i wouldnt let this ruin easter for you and the boys, obviously your husband is fine! :)

Medic - posted on 04/21/2011

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I remember most of my childhood back till I was 4. I have random memories before that but they are just random.

Kayla - posted on 04/21/2011

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No not mad about her leaving him, just mad about the example shes setting fro my kids, they have been seperated 2 months, and shes known this guy 3 weeks, would you really just tell your kids its grandmas "friend" lol

Medic - posted on 04/21/2011

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So say that. Your boys don't need to get dragged through different men playing grandpa. I personally would stand my ground if this it something I felt strongly about.

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