I need help with dealing with the way my 16 year old daughter treats m

C - posted on 11/11/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I desperately need advice on how to deal with my 16yr old daughter. Let me give you a little background on the situation. Two years ago I had a TIA (a mini stroke) which triggered ADULT ONSET EPILEPSY. Since then, my health took a "nosedive" and I had to quit my job because they said that I was a safety hazard. So I ended up on social security. Which is approximately 1/3 of what I was making. So I make very little $ .
So because I don't have enough money to buy her what she wants, but her daddy does. So in her opinion she's "THE QUEEN" and am just a servant! But
I DON'T THINK SO! The messed up part she truly believe's that I am her door mat. But she's sadly mistaken, if she thinks that SHE IS STILL GOING TO GET
AWAY WITH ALL OF THE HURTFUL THINGS SHE DOES AND SAYS TO ME.
I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY HEART, BUT EVEN IF she INTENTIONALLY does crazy things just to bust my bubble!

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Raye - posted on 11/11/2015

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If you don't want to leave, then you just have to deal with it until she's legal to move out on her own. You can't let things continue as they have been, so what do you have control over... YOU... your responses, your reactions, your own sanity.

If there's something that you would refuse her, but you know her father would give in, don't even answer her. Tell her to ask her father. That way, he won't be outwardly contradicting you, and that takes away anything she could have held over your head and taunted you with. Think about what she tries to use against you, and remove those weapons from her.

You give her the power to hurt you, and she seems to enjoy it, so stop showing that you're hurt. If she's disrespectful, turn your back and ignore her. If she tells you how you should be doing things or that you're wrong, smile and nod and say “thank you, I will take that into consideration” and change the subject. Don’t engage in her drama…no matter how tempting it is. I'm not saying you shouldn’t grieve or feel hurt, but don't let her see it. You have to at least appear strong even if you don't feel it.

This approach will outrage her, and she will probably push you harder. Don't feel sorry for her. Don't feel sorry for you. You have a right to live your life by your terms. You’re not being cruel by refusing to put yourself out for someone else. Take care of you, and let your husband deal with the spoiled brat.

C - posted on 11/11/2015

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Exactly! What sucks is that I have NO SUPPORT! My family is psychotic and I have no friends. I've begged for us to do counseling and he refuses.

Raye - posted on 11/11/2015

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Oh, wow. I was thinking that you and her dad were not together. If you're married and not on the same page with raising your child(ren), BIG ISSUE! You guys may need counseling. You and your husband should be UNITED, should be PARTNERS. Just because you bring in less money to the family means NOTHING! Both of you are responsible for the household and all within it. You both should have equal say in money being given to or things being purchased for your kids. Neither parent should undermine the authority of the other. Bad, bad, bad. Again, he's really not doing your daughter any favors, just teaching her to be a spoiled brat.

C - posted on 11/11/2015

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I've tried that with my husband and he will yell at her and be upset with her but the messed up part is that he gets mad at me as well. This whole situation has put so much strain on my marriage that I don't know if we are going to end up separating. And it's breaking my heart! My marriage and my children are all I have, without them I have no reason to go on.

Raye - posted on 11/11/2015

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You're right, it is easier said than done, but it's something you should have been doing the whole time so it would not have gotten this bad. Only the basics (food, shelter, clothes, school) are necessary, the rest (phone, computer, TV, friends, etc.) are privileges. These privileges should be earned. If she's not abiding by rules, she gets privileges taken away. You CAN tell her what to do, and are responsible for her until she is 18.

If you have a civil relationship with her father, you should try to talk to him and have him enforce the same rules. If you say "no" she should not be allowed to run to daddy and have him say "yes". He may look like the good guy, but he's not teaching his daughter the right moral lessons by doing that.

C - posted on 11/11/2015

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Demanding respect is easier said than done with this child! She truly that she's a princess and nobody can tell her what to do. She has ABSOLUTELY NO CONSIDERATION for any body.

Raye - posted on 11/11/2015

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Of course you love her, and that's exactly why she still needs to have rules and consequences. She should not treat you like a door mat, and you should demand respect from her.

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