I need some opinions and/or advice

Kaitlyn - posted on 01/13/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )




My husband and I really don't get along. At all. We got married when we were 19 and, in general, were having fun with our lives. We partied and hung out with friends, we went on mini-vacations and did everything we could to stay busy(socially). So when all our friends "grew up" and started moving on with their lives we started to realize that we didn't really have much in common.....or get along, for that matter. So to "fix" it we got pregnant. I was happy. I loved having someone to love and love me back. Something that I wasn't getting from my husband. The first year of our first born's life was pretty good between him and I. We finally had something in common. We had another baby two years later and then things weren't so good. During that pregnancy my husband was promoted to a very well paying job and boy did we love the money. We upgraded our house and our vehicles and found "material" happiness. That lasted for awhile, but the novelty wore off. I was exhausted with keeping up with the new big house and our two children. He was busy at work for sometimes 18 hours a day. I felt abandoned. His new job became a nightmare that basically left me a single parent. I hated being so unhappy. And I knew that it had more to do with US than with him being away at work all the time. We tried marriage counselling and couple "retreats". Nothing has helped. At least not for me. Currently, he acts like he feels that there is nothing wrong with our relationship. I know that he knows that I am unhappy. I have expressed my unhappiness both verbally and non-verbally. I've asked him his opinion on our relationship and he says that it's "just fine". He is completely unavailable to me.....physically and emtionally. The only interaction he wants is in the bedroom. And, trust me, that's the last thing that I want right now with him. I'm completely finished with this relationship. But what do I do? Do I stay and enjoy living in a nice house with no financial worries or do I move on. He's not home anyways, so moving out doesn't really make sense to me. I know that he would NOT move out either.....I've actually suggested it. I've also started a business just recently and need the space in my house for it. I just don't know what to do. I know that I deserve someone that loves me and that I can love back, but I'm not ready to find someone else quite yet.

(I do have to add that this rant started this morning when I thought I heard someone on our back deck and HE told ME to go and check it out. I was floored. Seriously? He's a big guy and can hold his own and he wants to send ME to check and see if there is an intruder. GRRRRRRR.......)


Mirdza - posted on 01/13/2010




I can understand your frustration. My husband and I went through a rough time for a while as well. It's hard to live with someone that is not there for you and only wants sex (both men think that sex will bring us closer together, which of course it doesnt' if we are not emotionally meshed). However, I suggest that you stay since you ARE financially secure there, and the kids have a family. If he doesnt' physically or emotionally abuse you, then stay. Write down the things that are good about him, and ask him to do the same about you. Sometimes we forget all the wonderful positive things in each other when we are constantly dealing with the negative. Try to concentrate on the positive things everyday, and be thankful for them. Perhaps this will bring you closer together, slowly but surely.


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Don't give up! Been married 23 years with lots of ups and downs. Sticking with it is worth it! Try the resources some of the ladies have shared. Dobson's Love Must be Tough is another good one. Above all, PRAY!! Be humble enough to accept whatever help presents itself as you do.

Emma - posted on 01/14/2010




totaly understand the situation,at the moment i am dependant on my partner for the finances,although he not working at the moment.I have 3 children and after 12 years of being told what to do by his parents who live up the road there has bin another argument between us he never gets involved in it or backs me up,over the years i have tried to get over it all and get on he acts like everything ok iv had my rant and rave now everything hunky dory,but its not we were the same in a lot of ways as you and your husband but we were the first to do the family thing,i did get on with it fine at first i liked him working away and having little contact with his family but over the years he has worked closer to home and involved his family a lot more even when iv objected.MY ANSWER TO THIS IS IM READY TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.the kids are all in school and im going back to work once debts are cleared and i can support myself and the kids im gone i have told him this but yeet again its not gone in.If you want to save your marrage then it takes two to do it if he is hiding from this fact then all you can do is sit back try to see the world through his eyes to understand he is a worker and does not do failour in anything even his marrage ,then you sit him down and tell him your plans ask him if he wants to be on board and put in the effort on your terms and let him know you can do it alone,you have you buisness now so you can do it .There is no blame in these things sometimes life changes and runs its course however i do have to say having a baby to mend a relationship never works.Selfhelp,books and counceling can only work if you realy still wont to be there ,take the time to think about why you stay other than money,what is it about him that makes you try to save what you have,do you realy want him as the man he is can you change anything about the way you see things,there is no right or wrong answer to this and this also goes for the staying or leaving part.You can not stay in a marrage for the kids or the money you have to respect yourself and the person you live with that is the only way you will be happy.

Christi - posted on 01/13/2010




my husband and i have been in that place too. luckily we were able to work it our through therapy, but if you have tried it all, then i would consider calling a lawyer. i know it will be rough on the children, but they can sense if you are unhappy and will become unhappy themselves. in the end, you will be doing yourself and your children well. and it isn't like you have to worry about them missing their father, he isn't around much anyway it seems. just think it over and weigh out all of your options. a lawyer can give you a good idea on options as well. hope this helps!

Adrianne - posted on 01/13/2010




I know that relationship can get hard , but I encouarge you to stick with it and work at it even more. Split parenting is the worst thing in the world. If you had the love once you can find it agian it might just take a long time and I know that you might want to give up but dont. Try couciling. Or mabey just get a sitter and take a weekend away just the two of you to try and find the spark.

Carolee - posted on 01/13/2010




Have you asked/found out if he's cheating on you? If you haven't, find out. If he is, there's a few options... but find out if he is before I say anything else.

Stacy - posted on 01/13/2010




I dont know if your a christian or not but my husband and I watched a movie called fireproof and we loved it. There is a thing that is called the love diary and you or your spouse does it without him or her knowing. From what Ive seen of the diary it really works wonders might i suggest you try this one last thing before you leave once you see the movie try this one last thing. You can get it at Walmart for like 20 bucks. I hope this helps.

Holly - posted on 01/13/2010




Quoting Ronda:

I can sort of relate. Your marriage sounds a little like mine did. I thought our marriage was in danger and well, he didn't. We also went to retreats and counseling. Did I mention he just got back from a tour in Iraq? We just finished a class at our church called Love and Respect. That really helped us out. It helps you understand why men and women think so differently. The book is available at Christian book stores. Good Luck!

LOVE this book.  LOVE that while it seems like you both need to be active participants in the beginning, that perseverence will work, and eventually - both people come around.

Realistically, though - there is always the chance that the other person doesn't want to come around, and then you've got decisions to make.  My advice?  Get the book, read it - leaving it around the house for him to "find" every once in a while.  In the meantime - you said you're not ready to meet anyone else, plus he's never home - so it's like he's not living there anyway, PLUS you need the space.


Stay where you are.  Pray A LOT, read the book.  Hugs to you.

Jennifer - posted on 01/13/2010




I know you said you tried counseling and retreats, but did you BOTH really give it your all? You have to live as if there is no "out" in a marriage. Yes you both were young and you both had a lot of growing up to do when you first got married, but you chose to grow apart also. You have to now work on growing back together. There is a movie called FIREPROOF. It is a wonderful movie and really explains a lot. Please don't give up on your marriage. I will be praying for you both.

Rebekah - posted on 01/13/2010




I wanted to let you know that 5 years ago I was in your place. Not the nice house and good paying job, but I definitly felt like a single mother and wanted to just run away. My husband was working as manager at a convenience store. When he had time off he was off with his buddies. I felt alone. I had a 2 yo and a newborn and felt utterly alone. Then a friend gave me a book. True it was a Christian book, but one of the things that stuck out might help you a little. Love is as much a decision as it is an emotion. You have to CHOOSE to love in spite of all the other person's faults. And no matter how good the other guys look, they have flaws too. Flaws that after a year or 2 will annoy you to the point of distancing yourselves. A marriage takes work, forgiveness, and sometimes bald determination to make it work inspite of your feelings. What attracted you to him at the beginning? Try to focus on his redeeming qualities instead of his flaws. For one, from what you said, I gather he is a hard worker.

Please, I'm not trying to be harsh. This is what tremendously helped for me. Your feelings are very real and I don't want to undermine your feelings in any way. But you cannot change your husband. You can change yourself. I hope and pray that you can find the answers that you are seeking for. I've been in your shoes and can sympathize. It is not an easy decision.

Ronda - posted on 01/13/2010




I can sort of relate. Your marriage sounds a little like mine did. I thought our marriage was in danger and well, he didn't. We also went to retreats and counseling. Did I mention he just got back from a tour in Iraq? We just finished a class at our church called Love and Respect. That really helped us out. It helps you understand why men and women think so differently. The book is available at Christian book stores. Good Luck!

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