I want to run in traffic

Crystal - posted on 10/31/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have a great life and a wonderfull husband, beautiful 7mo old daughter. Im 25. Husband is gone for usually 13hr days all week. I have my daughter always. I dont have brothers or sisters, so no aunts or uncles to come by and visit or help. grandparents are always busy out doing things in there own life. I have this overwhelming feeling like i am failing being a mom, i dont know if i am doing a good enough job. the days where is there is more crying then laughter are the days where i seriously have doubts. I think sometimes it would be easier if i ran into traffic. or i think WHYYY did we decide to have a baby. I hate these thoughts and i feel extremely guilty for not working on myself before i had a kid.

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Kelina - posted on 10/31/2011

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GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!!!! In case I didn't make it sound improtant enough i'm going to say it again-GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR It is not unusual for you to be feeling this way but it does sound like you may have a bit of post partum depression. After I had my son my husband made me go see my doctor because I was depressed. After i did the little test thing they give you i nearly laughed cause i've never before nor since seen a doctors eyes bug out of their heads the way mines did! There is NOTHING WRONG with you. Sometimes after we have babies, our brains have a hard time getting back to normal. They forget how to make the right amounts of certain chemicals, or make too much of others. Motherhood is one of the toughest jobs to adjust to, and when you throw wierd hormones levels into the mix, occasionally you get the urge to go run in traffic or that bottle of tylenol starts looking like your best friend. Medication could benefit you you as could counselling or even just a sun lamp. Go talk to your doctor!

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Audra - posted on 11/04/2011

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First of all, I have similar thoughts, like "WHY did we do this?!" but when things have calmed down I don't REALLY want to give my child up, go 'grocery shopping' and never come back, etc. We felt prepared for our first, until we had him :). I think it's ALWAYS a surprise. I WISH I KNEW WHERE YOU LIVED because being a mom is hard when you don't feel you have any support at all. What does your husband do when he comes home? (Really just curious)

After becoming a mom, my idea of a 'perfect day' had to change - instead of a perfect day being:
"Everything went to plan"
"I got to everything on my to-do list"
NOW it's
"He only smashed ONE tub of play-dough into the carpet"
"I got one load of laundry done"

Be kind to yourself. I know you feel overwhelmed. Your daughter will know that you love her if you make it a point to tell her at least once a day, but just before to put her to bed at night. That will go a long way. And, it's OK to cry! It's OK for both of you to cry :). It's not too late to do some of the things you feel you should have done before you became a mom. The difference is that now, you may be doing them in some part with your daughter. But it's not "too late" for anything!

Jenna - posted on 11/03/2011

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Keep your chin up. It won't always be this hard. It really does get better. People tell you that, and you might not believe it because it is so hard, but it will get better. It also seems like everyone around you has a ton of help in the form of family, etc, but a lot of people don't, a lot more than you think. We have never lived near family, except once, and that was my parents, who have made it clear that they are done raising kids and will only help if there are dire circumstances (like once in the middle of the night I had to go to the ER and my husband had to take me, so my mom came and stayed with the kids. She was out of there as soon as DH got home and i had to spend the rest of my hospital stay without anyone there since DH had to take care of the kids).

Try to focus on the wonderful things of being a mom and keep a positive attitude. Smile. Cherish the little moments.

Being a mom IS an overwhelming job, but it's also so rewarding.

As far as working on yourself, find little moments to do just that during the days. You really can do it. I've managed to learn how to be a much better cook (I've studied the Betty Crocker and Better Homes and Gardens Cookbooks), learned some fun hobbies that I enjoy (like sewing and crafting) that I can do at home while my kids play or sleep. Also, look to your community to cultivate friendships. Check out the library for storytimes where you can meet other moms, any local rec centers or city classes that you can take (my city offers tiny tot music classes for babies and their parents) where you can meet other moms. I even took an exercise class at the YMCA a few years ago where moms would bring their babies in a stroller and we would do exercises using the stroller! Look into that and then form some playgroups, where you can get together with these other moms. When your husband is home, organize some girls' nights out with these ladies and have some down time for yourself.

It can be done. It's hard. I know. I still struggle with it sometimes. But I've also learned through my experiences (now I have five kids and one on the way and my husband is gone 12 hours shifts, sometimes as many as 10 days in a row, and we don't live near any family) that it does get better.

Kelina - posted on 11/03/2011

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Shanon simply because your kids are adopted and you don't have post partum depression that doesn't mean you can't have regular depression. If you find you're down more than you're up I would recommend talking to your doctor about depression. Babies are a lot of work, and a big adjustment. Just because your babies had another tummy mummy that doesn't make what you're experiencing very real.

Lindsy - posted on 11/02/2011

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I too feel this way and just went to the doctor yesterday and started on some medication. I do have family around and though I do get help whenever I ask it just never felt like it did any good to 'get out'. I told them how I felt and talked about it and I still didn't feel better.It's been going on for months and months now and I feel like it's affecting not only my youngest who is 8 mon. but my whole family. Go to your doctor a.s.a.p. I'm not saying you need medication , I'm just saying that you need to get into contact with pro's who can help you in a way that's best for you and your family.My thoughts go out to you and yours and know that even if we have absolutely nothing else in common you are not alone in how you feel.Many ,many moms feel this way and go through this And don't stop looking for help, if the first person you go to doesn't work out keep looking until you find what you need.Best of luck Crystal.

Jennifer - posted on 11/02/2011

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Ladies... I don't know if any of you are 'believers' but first I am going to pray for peace for all of you. Second, read Baby Whisperer if you have a baby - it will bring you a sense of comfort for letting your baby scream sometimes. Third, get SOMEONE, ANYONE to watch your kiddos for an hour or two and do whatever you want: use this time to be alone, get a manicure, walk around the mall, sit in a coffee shop, whatever gives you time to be alone and hear your own thoughts. Believe me, it will be refreshing and most likely by hour 3 you will want to come home to your baby(ies). If not, at least you will have received a 'breath of fresh air'. :)

Shanon - posted on 11/02/2011

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Girl... I am reading this with great interest b/c I feel the same way and I have two and both are adopted (which makes me feel even more guilty) so no Postpartum for me, have tried anti-anxiety meds, and even got a part-time job to make myself feel better about what I can contribute. I am just soooo tired and just feel like I am constantly talking to the wall and am always short tempered. I have thought about 'crashing' the car to be able to 'escape' for a week -- but really a hospital wouldn't be the place to relax and it would bring in-laws with are just another button being pushed. I really am very interested in finding a FANTASTIC solution, so keep typing MOMs!

Jennifer - posted on 11/02/2011

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Crystal, you are not alone. we ALL feel that way. In fact, your post is encouraging those of us who won't admit we feel the same exact way. :)
There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Try to focus on the things that do make you happy: reading books with her, going on walks. Do you live somewhere warm? Sometimes getting outside and soaking in the endorphins and Vitamin D, given by the sun, will uplift your spirits, alone.
Consistency is key! Try to create a routine for each day - this will help your baby and you. I suggest reading Baby Whisperer and following the EASY method (E-feed her, A-activity, which could be diaper changing, etc., S - sleep, Y - your time) Feeding is every 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours, depending on her needs/signs.
It will get better. :) Also, make one date a week, or month, if that is all your husband can handle, and go out with your girlfriends. Sometimes having something to look forward to is an amazing help.
I hope your days and weeks improve - or at least your feelings about them. :)

Jennifer - posted on 11/02/2011

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I know how you feel...I was in the same situation. Please try joining a MOPS group or a local church and get involved. It helped me so much!
Jennifer Polimino
www.prayforyourbaby.com

Jade - posted on 11/02/2011

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It's okay to feel this way, we all do at some point! I know it's hard, but try to remember "this too will pass." Once your daughter gets a little older, she will be able to play with you more and do more activities like crafts, Play-Doh, running around at the park, etc. Hang in there! Do you have anything for just you? I know it's hard, but even picking up a magazine or book you enjoy can do wonders! But baby in her bouncy seat and take a bath. You must take care of yourself to be a good mom. 13 hour days would get extremely long....My husband is gone for 10 and it seems very long sometimes. Spoil yourself so you can spoil your baby. We are doing the hardest job out there, don't feel guilty.

Barb - posted on 11/02/2011

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Those early months are rough. It gets better. If your thoughts of running into traffic are thoughts easily dismissed and not real temptations... Id say it's not that unusual.

I had my first at 23 and now my third at 43. My question is... When do we STOP working on ourselves? I think kids are designed to challenge us, teach us, help us grow as people. That never stops, even when they're 20 and we're... much older. :) Try not to be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes but our kids grow up to be the wonderful people they were created to be (despite us!). Be encouraged today! Parenting at any age is challenging so second guessing your decisions isn't productive. Trust in God and seek His guidance and you'll make it!

Antoinette - posted on 11/01/2011

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Hi Crystal,

My heart goes out to you, I agree with Nicole & Kelina,

it sounds like Postpartum Depression, and the reason I say this is because I suffered from it after my second, he's now turning 6 in December, I've since had my third 6mths ago and boy such a

difference I couldn't be happier. It can happen at any time during & up to a year after your baby is born. We all have good & bad day's, but when you are having more bad then good & having suicidal thoughts , then it's time to seek help. Believe me it's nothing to do with failing as a mother or something you think you may have done, before, during or after the pregnancy. Just keep telling yourself that. lol. As my husband keeps telling me a mother is the gel of a family and when Mom is out of sorts so is the whole family & that's not a nice or healthy environment to be in for you or your family.

My husband worked long hrs & was gone from 6am - 8pm & worked nights every other month. My family lived 100 miles away & I felt so isolated, if your husband & family are not aware of your situation speak to them & let them help you, don't do as I did & keep it to your self & leave it take root.

I was like you for a year or more before I sought help, I suppose it was a combination of shame, pride & guilt that prevented me from getting help sooner. I had numerous thoughts of harming myself & it wasn't until my husband witnessed me hyperventilating & brought me to the doctor. God, when I think back I was so good at hiding my feelings (not now though).

Yes get out there I know it's easier said then done, but try & find time for yourself. My time out is going for brisk walks while listening to my music. Boy I enjoy that time & no matter how tried I feel I sometimes have to force myself to go but I feel all the better for it.

But saying that you do need medical attention. My doctor was fantastic & explained everything in detail. Your Serotonin Hormone ( your feel good hormone) is at it's lowest after having your baby. You will need anti -depressants to rectify the chemical imbalance, but don't worry your doctor will prescribe the best medication suited to your symptoms & their not addictive, not like years ago when women where prescribed Vallum.

So Crystal for you & your family's health & well being seek medical advice, sooner rather than later.

My thoughts are with you,

Antoinette

Sandy - posted on 11/01/2011

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Sounds like you have what many of us had or still have, Postpartum Depression. I had many many days when I wanted to drive my car into a building, rail, ocean, etc. I couldn't do anything right. I failed at everything but breathing, but only because that was involuntary. My husband was either working 12 hour shifts, gone for 13 including travel time, or deployed. I live in Japan. I have friends here, but they have their own lives. I can relate to your situation, but only you know what's going on in your head.

Hang in there. It gets better. Sometimes, the body's hormones start to get back to normal on their own. After three years, I had to take birth control pills though, which seems to be helping. If counselling or therapy doesn't work, look into medication. Even a low dosage birth control might help, but would still take a few months or more to take noticeable effects. Good luck. ☺

Kristina - posted on 11/01/2011

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I give you a big pat on the back!! I don't know what i would do if my husband was not a little bit of a help in our life. I have a 7yr and 10m yes i do most of the work bath homework feedings house etc the list goes on and on. My husband gets home most nights at 7 or so and its dinner then bed time routine. I sneak away to the "bathroom" for 10 min or so for some me time. my daughter wants only me no matter what so i have to take that time and get away.
I understand dad is tired but he needs to take some time and be with the baby. what is her bed time? does he have that option to play with her while you take 30 min to your self? even if its peace while you are cooking dinner, not having to deal with her while you do it can be a help. just to know that you are not the only parent. Yes he brings home the dough doesn't mean hes not a dad too.
as moms we have a right to want to pull our hair out, you are doing a great job!! Forget about the house work for a week and spend some time with your daughter, just because we stay at home doesn't mean we have to spend all that time making our house perfect. A friend of mine has a sigh up at her house "we are not under construction, kids live here" that is a great sigh and so true.
Enjoy this time and do know that you are a great person and it was the right time to have kids. God never gives you anything you cant handle!!!!! He pushes you to make you realize that you are a bigger person then you think!!
Get out of the house and go to the park your daughter will love it. find activities and do them with her. she has her good days and bad just like us, and yes when she has her bad we have them the same day too. put her in her play pin or crib when you feel like yelling or getting upset. its OK for her to cry it helps build up her lungs and when you have calmed down then get her out. don't be afraid to walk away its not neglect as long as she is safe. I hope you find this helpful. I know its all over the place just writing as i am thinking lol.
Again you are doing a Great Job!!!!! God Bless!!

Nicole - posted on 10/31/2011

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My first thought was Postpartum Depression, and I STILL think that, but I also think the symptoms of your depression could be lessened with some time to yourself. Get a really good book and draw yourself a bath after your daughter goes down for sleep and read in the bath. When your husband is home, at least once a month, go out with a girlfriend to the grocery store, hair salon, mall, coffee house, restaurant, etc. Even if it's just for one hour! Rent a movie every now and then and have "date night" with the hubby while your daughter is sleeping, if you can't find a sitter for the two of you to go "out" on a date. I think one date a month with your husband and one day "out" with a girlfriend or by yourself would do a lot for you. It probably won't be a cure-all, but it can help. Good luck and look into Postpartum Depression treatment.

Sonia - posted on 10/31/2011

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There are hundreds of you or us out there. My girls are now 4 and 6 but wow! Nothing like those sweet pampers commercials. Medicine is okay for some...maybe placebo will do the same thing. My drug was starbucks. Help yourself to realize this moment that the days of having an hour or more to do whatever you wanted are kinda on the back burner. They will come again but for now embrace to 2 or 3 min luxury spoil yourself time. Do this a few times a day and you will feel like you are still in it for you. Also get out! Library story times, pottery barn crafts, the mall window shopping, whatever. Make yourself a calendar and schedule things and places you "need" to go to. Good luck and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its a long tunnel...but there will be tons of giggles wih the crys.

Patrice - posted on 10/31/2011

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Hey Crystal Do you have any friends with kids around the same age. Maybe you can get together with them and see that you are not in your feeling alone. being a mother is a tough role and at some point we may all feel like we are not cut out for the job. So just keep your head up and keep a line open where you can vent. Hope you feel better soon, You are not alone!!

Amy - posted on 10/31/2011

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Hi, I'm in a similar situation. My partner works 11-12 hour days five-six days a week and when he isn't working he's pretty much dead to the world. It's hard to get him to help me do the smallest of tasks with the kids because he isn't used to what needs to be done. There certainly are days with a lot more crying than laughter here too. My kids are 2 and 4 months and it is very stressful. Very rarely do I have someone to give me a hand. Do you have a close friend that can watch your daughter for an hour or so, so you can have some "me" time? I have enrolled my son (2) in daycare for three mornings a week to not only give me a break and time with the youngest but also to help him socialize and make friends. Is that perhaps an option?

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