In need of advice... -

Christine - posted on 07/31/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My husband has a friend that he's known since high school - Sarah. When my husband & I met he told me that Sarah was like a sister to him and that they were very good friends. From the beginning, I was never entirely comfortable with their relationship. She had posed nude for him - some pictures of her naked with his guitar.(which he kept - until I found them about a year ago & threw away) He carried around pictures of her in his wallet. He would take her out to dinner when I was working - I think they were together a lot more than I ever knew about. She was/is a photographer took self-portraits of herself in all stages of dressed/undressed. When she needed money - he bought some of these self-portraits. While we were having a bit of a hard time - he spent all of his time with her helping her with an upcoming 'show' of her photographs. (By the way, his parents went to this show - they loved her) He wrote a beautiful love poem about her. Previous girlfriends were not happy with his relationship with Sarah either. After we became engaged - his father even told him that he would have to give his relationship with Sarah up if he wanted a relationship to work with me. He has always insisted that he never had sex with her. Whether or not that's true - he did have a very intimate relationship with her. At one time - I tried to be friends with her too, but I always felt like the 'third wheel' in their presence. Eventually, my husband 'chose' me over her and they stopped being 'friends' However, over the years she keeps popping back up. One day when I was pulling into my husbands work - they were walking together outside. Sometime not long after she told him that she was in love with him & gave him a love letter. After that all was quiet for a while. A few months ago she emailed asking him if they could be friends again & if he could send her a copy of his book. He emailed her back saying that they could not be friends (but in a very poetic way that he has - as to not totally burn the bridge with her) and that yes, he would send her the book. Before he went ahead and sent it (but after he had already packaged it up) he told me about it. He 'asked' me if it was ok to send her a book. I, of course, was extremely upset that she was emailing and even more upset that he put up the pretense that it was my decision if he should send the book even though he already told he would and had it packaged. I told him that I would not put up with her in our lives at all. The package is still on his desk - but who knows if he sent a different one. Fast forward to last week,- I checked his phone one morning. There is a email that he forwarded to himself from Sarah. It is a picture of the 2 of them - he is sitting in a chair and she is lying in his lap (she wrote in the email that the 'way his hands are positioned on her makes it look like he's playing an instrument" It looks like she has no shirt on in the picture - but his arm is covering part of her. Yes, it's my stupidity for snooping - but the picture shocked me. When I found it, the email was already a few days old. And of course, he forwarded to himself to make it harder for me to find. I confronted him right away - he said that I should not get upset every time she emails him - and that he deleted it right away - which was a lie & I called him on it. He said 'he didn't want me to find it before he decided what to do with it." It was a very long day - and I tried to explain why I was so upset about it. I finally asked him to delete the email/picture - he said he would - I asked him to block her from emailing him - he said he'd look into it. A week later he has not done either one. Am I crazy - making this bigger than it should be? Part of me wants to delete it myself - but I keep hoping that he'll do it. Why would he want to keep it?

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Tina - posted on 08/01/2012

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guys are d***ks sometimes. As I've found in relationships sometimes words aren't enough and you need to take action. I'd be walking out and tell him he needs to decide what is more important. You may end up getting hurt though. I've been through something similar. Words just aren't enough. Men don't take words seriously. Even if you say you wont tolerate it. Sometimes you need to show you wont tolerate it.

Nikki - posted on 07/31/2012

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First off let me say WOW!! Secondly I personal think you have every right to be angry/hurt and very upset about this I know I would be. It sounds like you have already said you will no tolerate her in your relationship maybe you should make it clear that you will not tolerate her or any other women in your relationship period meaning no phone calls, e-mailing, meeting for lunch etc. Me and my husband have never experieced anything like this but my husband told me a long time ago he is a guy which means I have to spell things out for him he doesn't get hints so make sure you have explained what you expect and what will happen if this contuies I hate to say it but if you threaten to leave you may actually have to I do not believe in divorce so if possible I would recomend something else. Also, have you asked him how he would feel if you were this close to another guy or if you have nude pics from another guy would he be ok with this? I will be praying for you and your husband to work through this. God can work even the worst situation out.

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