Interfering Husband.

Darlene - posted on 01/09/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home Mom to a 7 year old daughter. After the cost of her schooling went up and my 9 year old Nephew was having trouble in school due to his ADHD, my husband and I decided to home school them. I do all the house work, cooking, shopping and now home school, I have a pretty full day.



My husband is a crane operator and works pretty much most of the year...Until this year. He has been home for about 6 weeks now and is driving me crazy. Nothing I do seems good enough for him, he criicizes everything I do...he always has a better way to do every thing. I have been doing just fine for the past 7 years, now he thinks he should change everything. I appreciate his help with things but he makes me feel so inferior.



Before our daughter was born, I had a career, pulled my weight financially plus did all of the chores around the house. Now I take care of our daughter, watch my nephew, do my work and take care of his needs. I am an older mom, our daughter came along 22 years after we were married and I have done just fine. I know he is only trying to help, but what if I went to his job and started to change everything, it would make him crazy. How do I deal with this until he goes back to work? I am desperate for some good advice. Can any one offer some good advice? Thanks in advance.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kay - posted on 01/09/2012

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How about the children go to public school and you get a temporary job while he is not working. Let him stay home and be Mr. Mom. I bet the next time he is home for an extended time he might have a different attitude.

Julie - posted on 01/09/2012

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Is there a reason why he is home now? Work slow, etc? He may just be taking out his frustation on you. Unfair, sure, but that would at least explain some degree of it. Depending on your relationship with him, if you have the type that you can talk about anything, you might just try sitting down and telling him how this makes you feel and ask how he would feel if you do just what you said in your post at his job. MIght also encourage him to find something else to do, a hobby even, in the meantime, to occupy him and get him out for a bit.

Denikka - posted on 01/09/2012

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If he thinks he can do better, then let him do it :P Gives you a break at least :P
Just sit him down and let him know that it's bugging you. You've done the same things this entire time and there hasn't been a problem until now. You have your routine and your kids have theirs and there's nothing wrong with it. Let him know that it bugs you when he criticizes how you do things. Would he like you showing up at his work just to tell him he doesn't know what he's doing or that he's doing it wrong?? Probably not. Your home life is YOUR workplace. You've done just fine this far :)

Bernadette - posted on 01/11/2012

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maybe HE is the one who is feeling inferior? He may feel like he doesn't have much sense of purpose while he is not working, as his primary role until now has been that of provider. Now he may feel that he is not fullfilling his duties and doesn't know what to do with himself. Maybe try assigning him specific tasks that he can do to feel useful, like the things you don't have time for or don't really care to do. Give him things like the yard work (typical "man" jobs, things that will play to his male ego!) or even if you don't have many of these things to give him, make stuff up and make out like he is being really really helpful by doing them. Or send him on all the errands, things that will get him out of the house and out of your hair! :)

I know you said he is a crane operator, but what kind of responsibilities does he have at work? I know my MIL complains that her husband (who is a workplace health and safety manager at a mine site, and is pretty high up the food chain there) comes home and bosses his family around too, like he is the boss instead of husband/father. She just reminds him that they are not his staff, and he steps back and realises what he is doing. Luckily he has a sense of humour and takes it well.

Barbara - posted on 01/10/2012

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Sounds to me like hes upset about being out of work and yes this is the wrong way to deal with it but some men don't know how to express their feelings so it comes out as a negative....maybe try and make things for him to do that "only he can do" example...repair the fence, organize the garage....if he feels like hes doing a task that "only a man can do" maybe that will get him to back off from your duties.

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Susan - posted on 01/11/2012

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I suggest you share the work with him. I think he is bored and frustrated, if it isnt enough for him to share the work, and he wants to criticize and correct you, simply look him in the eye and kindly and firmly tell him "Just stop".

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2012

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Talk to him and explain that you take his "suggestions" as criticism and it hurts your feelings. He's probably not even aware that you're taking it that way.

Jenna - posted on 01/10/2012

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I think it's hard for a man to not be working and tends to make them sour and more critical. It makes him question his manhood. Have you pointed out to him that this is your job and it would be like coming into a job he was doing and telling him how to change it? My husband would do this sort of thing until I pointed that out to him and equated it with what he does and he realized that he wouldn't like that. It's hard giving advice on how to change another person because you can't change someone else. They have to do the changing.

Brianna - posted on 01/10/2012

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my hubby drives me crazy when hes home for to long to lol. im so used to him working all the time that when hes at home i go crazy cuz he trys to take over everything.. and thinks he does it better.. drives me bonkers! lol so what i do is try to think of a list of jobs that he could do that wont bother me or that i cant do.. like oh hey remember how we thought of building shelves in the closest downstair? maybe it would be a good time for u to do that? so then he is busy doing that and out of my way.. or other ideas like... fixed squeeky door, painting deck, fixing fents, changing light bulbs, cut the grass, put up or take down xmas lights, take the dog for a run, put new baseboard in a room, clean car or fix it, clean garage, shovel snow, ect.. the key to keeping him out of your way is to keep him busy lol good luck hope this helps

Amy - posted on 01/10/2012

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pray that God will show him what he is doing. Do not complain...God will show him. I know God showed my husband without me even complaining! It works wonders.

Darlene - posted on 01/10/2012

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Hi Julie,
He is only off temporarily, work will pick up and he will be out of my hair. My situation is for right now, we have a good relationship but our main problem is that he feels he is always right and you cannot tell him differently. I have in the past just let him talk because I do respect what he has to say, I don't always agree. I have tried to talk to him about things he just replies "Whatever" and clams up. Then he won't talk or help when I ask him to.

Darlene - posted on 01/10/2012

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Hi Kay, thanks for the advice but the type of work I did is impossible to get a temporary job in and public school is not an option for me. But thanks for trying. (smile)

[deleted account]

My husband was off work while i was pregnant with my 3rd because he lost his job. I was sick and couldn't do alot so he took over EVERYTHING. Maybe step back for a week. If he thinks his way is better let him do it all and tell him you are going to relax that week. Take up an old hobby, read, go shopping alone. Get things done you normally couldn't. At the end of the week I'm sure you both would have a new found respect for the other. (haha or atleast he should have a new respect for you)

Chrystal - posted on 01/09/2012

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I'd tell him what you've told us. The home is your workplace and he needs to respect your way of doing things. You've spent time setting up the management system for your home and it works he needs to leave it the way it is out of respect for you. Tell him that he is annoying you and hurting your feelings.
I'd be annoyed myself but I want to play devils advocate for just a second. Are you rebuffing his suggestions just because you feel he's stepping on your toes or are they really not at all helpful? Maybe a few things really could help you run your house more efficiently after all it's sometimes easier to see the flaws from the outside. My husband doesn't always have the best delivery but some of the time he's right I'm just to attached to my system to see a better option.
Look on the bright side he will go back to work soon and get out of your hair.

Darlene - posted on 01/09/2012

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I agree Denikka, he needs to back off and mind his own. The children hear the things he says to me and in private, they tell me not to listen to him, that we are doing just fine. I do not want them to be put in a position to have to take sides, that is not fair to them.

Darlene - posted on 01/09/2012

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Thanks Tara, but he is very stubborn and mule headed. He believes that his way is best and we should just conform to his way of doing things. I have told him to let things be, but then he just gets an attitude and won't talk to me. I do my best to keep the peace but he has to have his say. I just keep hoping for the day that he goes back to work.

Tara - posted on 01/09/2012

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You could always point out to him that your daughter and your nephew have gotten used to the routine you have already laid out for them and that him changing things up makes it hard for the children.

If that doesn't work honestly I would just tell him to back off because it is really bothering you.

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