Is anyone here a stepmom as well as a Bio mom? HELP! Step baby mama drama!!

Stardust - posted on 03/12/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My step son is 15 yrs.old I have had him full time for 7 years. My mother n law had him since he was 9 mo. old.His mother has never been there for him or contirbuted finantially unless it is convienient to her. She has missed birthdays and holidays without so much as a phone call for his whole life.( we lived in the same town most of the time ) When she does want to see him she will not pick him up or drop him off. She also expects me to do this on a whim. I now have a 10 mo. old daughter. the last time we did this exchange it was so much drama she was drunk and cursed me out. Naturally I wouldn't let him go with her.Since that day I told my son and my husband I'm done! I will not do this anymore. I will not deal with her for any reason. Now when she wants to see my son and I won't drive him to her house she makes up an excuse for why she won't come get him. My husband has been taking time off work to take him to her house and the 1 time in almost 2 years that she did come get him he paid her gas money!! So I guess what I'm asking is.... should I give in and continue enabling her irresponsible behavior? Would you be completely pissed at your husband for this? And what can I do to make my son understand that this isn't my fault?

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Tabitha - posted on 03/13/2010

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My heart goes out to all of you. I have a stepson who is 9. His father and I have a 3year old and a 2 year old. he loves his brothers and thinks nothing less of them for having a different Mommy. "Mom" and I do not agree on a lot of parenting issues (as in whic video games and movies he is aloud to watch) but otherwise we have a great relationship. She even takes my kids once in a while! She buys them xmas gifts and has NEVER missed a birthday. I pray all of you find resolutions and that things get better. Sometimes children were put in out laps for a purpose & maybe someone just knew he needed a good stepmom like you! Conitnue to love him and all will work itself out. Your husband loves you, he's just trying to figure out what is best for his son too. Just remind him whatever the two of you decide is the best path, you need to be a team. ♥ sending lots of love....

Theresa - posted on 03/12/2010

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I'm not a step parent, but it sounds like dad should take mom to court. She should have scheduled visits, if she doesn't make them then the court can take away visits and rights eventually. Also if he is living with you and dad full time the courts can make mom pay child support. (I use the word "mom" very loosly in this because in my opinion she doesn't deserve that title. Even though you didn't give birth to him you deserve the title mom more than she does.)

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Stardust - posted on 03/15/2010

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Maye, It is driving me crazy!! lol. I try to discuss it with him and it always turns into an argument. I will not let this women control my life anymore. I jusy wish my husband would stand up for our son and himself and tell her to start contributing to his life in a positive way or at least make an effort. Seriously I just can't take it anymore. She pops in and out of our sons life and causes nothing but hurt feelings for him and drama for my husband and I.

Maye - posted on 03/14/2010

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I know what you are going thru, You are doing the right thing, STOP allowing her to run your life! If she really wants the kid she will make an effort.If your husband gives in give him options, I finally did and things are smooth no. My story is long and very complicated. But if you don't stop, allowing her to control your household it will drive you crazy!

Sheryl - posted on 03/12/2010

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i am not a step mom but a child who came from a women who push me off cause a man didn't want kids. but whenever they fit there needs they wanted us. for me the best thing that my aunt did was get full custd. of me. it seems like she sound like a drunk and not a very good mom. i would be worried what goes on when your not there. it sound like you guys should really go for full custd. cause it seem like its doing him not good seeing here or you guys any good. no one should have to pay someone gas money to come pick up there child. thats what i would do. you guys really got think of what would the long trem dam. be to the child. i know for me i had to go get conc. cause i didn't now right from wrong and just really scared of the world. hope that helps some and i'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Kathleen - posted on 03/12/2010

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I hear you I have been here and worse, stories that could curl your hair...(example: bio mom slept with 16 yr old friend of daughter who was 13) I wish you the best and so much luck... I hope yours turns out better then mine...

Heidi - posted on 03/12/2010

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Ive been a step parent for almost 10 years now and have bio kids of my own (with my stepsons dad) and, man, is is almost harder than raising your own children Not only do you have the normal stuff, but you also get to combat the chaos of the parents, whether it be bad parenting, bad decisions, neglect, etc. I have learned to step back and my husbands decisions regarding my son are not mine to make. Its very hard and I want to step in and I get very frustrated at times but theres not really much you can do. If it is causing an issue between you and your spouse then you need to be clear about what you are willing to do and not do and let him handle the rest. Its rough but its what I had to do as well :)

Stardust - posted on 03/12/2010

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Thanx, Theresa, I know he does need to take her to court and he threatens but then he turns around and does things like give her gas money or takes time off work to drop our son off. I don't get it!! He says that he does it because he doesn't want to see his son with hurt feelings. I understand that's why I did all I could for them for 7 years. But eventually enough is enough. When does she have to take responsability? I don't know why he's so wishy washy about this he has dealt with this longer than I have. Anyway about the "mom" thing I've been lucky enough to earn that title it's been about 5 years that he;s called me mom and I'm proud to be that for him and love him as if he where my own. I guess this is just one of those situations in life that will never work out the way any of us want it to including his incubator of a mother.

Stardust - posted on 03/12/2010

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Thanx Felicia, it's so hard to be the one who holds him when he cries because of something she did or didn't do and then turn around and let him go back and get hurt again. I have covered for her so many times and made excuses for her to spare his feelings. I've gone as far as calling to remind her it's his birthday. How could you forget you own childs birthday??? I'm just so tired of it all.

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2010

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I have a step daughter who is 12 years old. She is very good child and receptive to my husband and I new addition who is now 5 months old. Her mother is...well a bit to be desired but nothing like what you going through. If it was me I would talk to your step son but don't make the mom out to be such a bad guy even though you know the truth. I can remember every harsh word ever said about one of my parents who were divorced. I would help when you could about picking up and dropping off son but don't stress yourself out about it, let dad help out when he can. Your step son will know in years to come who was there for him and he will know it was you. Hang in there from one step mom to another, it's a tough job we deserve a medal at time. :)

Felicia - posted on 03/12/2010

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She obviously doesn't want to see him that bad. But, I think you're doing the right thing. You don't have to do anything to make your son realize it's not your fault. Trust me, he already knows. I was in his place when I was 15. Only it was my biological father who was the dirtbag. You just keep loving your son and keep doing the job that his "mother" obviously isn't interested in doing.

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