Is it a man's or woman's choice?

Alysha - posted on 09/27/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My husband and i have one kid together n he has 2 others to other ppl...i didnt want another kid after i had my son cuz it was a rough delivery, then i changed my mind and want another one...yesterday my son was miserable due to teethin or jus spoiled or both and my husband says he dont want more kids..n he gets mad cuz i get upset when he says that..i want a girl...he thinks i want 12 kids n i dont...i want one more. so is it my choice or his choice...and i dont know if i can only have one kid and only one kid..

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Jodi - posted on 09/27/2010

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It's no single one person's choice, it's a joint decision and one that should be made clear BEFORE the relationship gets serious IMHO. My husband and I had the talk about kids and what we expected about 3 years before we ever even moved in together or got engaged. I made it clear i wanted lots of kids, that I would be a stay at home mom and we would raise our family a bit more traditionally than most people we knew (i.e. breastfeeding, cloth diapers, sunday night family dinners etc etc). This helped tremendously, we got pregnant a year after we got married when he was settled in his career and we were ready to take the leap.
You two need to come to a compromise if you can, unfortunately, if he doesn't want kids and is adament about it, there may be nothing you can say to change his mind. Best of luck, I really hope you two can work this out in a way that pleases both of you.

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Maggie - posted on 10/01/2010

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it has to be a partnership. If you get pregnant and he's not on board he may leave, he may resent you. You can't force him to be a dad. Sit down and have a calm, adult conversation about having one more kid (then tie/burn/cut the tubes). If he's not ok with it then let it go. Enjoy the beautiful child you have and be content.

Alexis - posted on 09/30/2010

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umm, its both of your choices. If he doesnt want one your opinon doesnt over ride his and vise versa. He either has to change his mind or you will have to decide if you want to live with one child with him or find another relationship. You may be able to change his mind or overtime he may change his mind on his own. Right now it can be hard when you have a bad day. But on good days he may want to have more. You both will have to work it out together, if you make him have another one with you he may end up resenting you, so make sure you make the decision together.

Ashley - posted on 09/30/2010

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I also want a girl - but then I think: what will I feel like if I have another boy, will I want a girl still and want another baby? I mean it's like you don't get to choose what you have - you know?

Erin - posted on 09/30/2010

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it shouldnt come down to his or her choice. Having another child is definately a choice you and your husband should discuss open mindedly together.

Alysha - posted on 09/30/2010

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Thanks ladies...i know its both of our decisions,its not like i want one right now...my son is a handful and his work is way to busy from the big snow we got. so he said it can change cuz he does want another one but he dont

Hailey - posted on 09/30/2010

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i have 1 kid she gd but bit naughty im nt with her dad i have a new bf i think if i was still with her dad id never have another but with my new bf i want 1 he dosent till my 2 year old bout 5 or 6 i rly want 1 but i nw he just wants her to be the bby for a lil bit longer

Ashley - posted on 09/29/2010

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It's both of your choices. You have to work on an agreement together. My husband doesn't want another either. And I do. But I'm not going to go behind his back and have one. That's just not right. We have talked about it several times. He has very good reasons he doesn't want one - I have only one I do - emotions. I want my son to have a sibling. We are still working on it, but honestly - it would be wrong to force him into something he doesn't want. You have to sit down and talk about it - you can't just make the decision for him.

Lisa - posted on 09/28/2010

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It's something u both have to agree on. U can't force him to want another kid. The more u push him the more u will probably turn him of. The best thing to do is to talk with him.Who knows he may change his mind.

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The choice has to be a joint decision and whilst you only have one child he has three children who are biologically his and maybe he feels that's enough for him without thinking about what you want. Try talking about it again perhaps writing down the pros and cons of having another child and maybe that will help.

Denise - posted on 09/28/2010

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I agree that it is both parents choice. I think you need to hear the reasoning from both on why or why not you want more. We have 2 boys and I wanted another child to try for a girl but my husband didn't. He explained to me why he didn't and I understood his reasoning even though I did want another child. I think I could have changed his mind if I really wanted to but his reasoning did make sense. It needs to be a joint decision.

Alysha - posted on 09/28/2010

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To Amanda- Thanks :-) we do get nights out...like once every so many months n we dont even stay out long becuz we wait till he goes to bed cuz my son only goes to sleep for me and i dont drink alot when we go out bcuz i am the one that has to get up wit him..last time i was drunk was a month after my 21st bday...and my husband got drunk saturday and this weekend prob to for his bday and ill be the one sober...i just dont know..he pays support forthe other two its just how can someone only want one kid???

Brittany - posted on 09/27/2010

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It takes TWO to make a baby so it should take TWO to make that big decision and take on that other responsibility. If you stayed protected after having a child you could possibly not get pregnant again you just have to make sure you are protected. He will change his mind eventually be patient and enjoy all the time you can give your little one now! Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 09/27/2010

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I was in the same situation we were. My husband has 2 kids and we had one together. Ive always told him that I wanted another. That I was meant to be a mommy. He understood but said he wanted a girl. No more boys! I also wanted a girl. We have 3 boys. Well we just found out I was pregnant again about a month ago. He was very shocked but Happy too. But he jokes around telling me if its a boy I gotta pack my bags.lol

Carisa - posted on 09/27/2010

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My husband are in a disagreement about whether to have 3 or 4 (we have two girls now) But I figure I'll be able to change his mind (he did say if we had another girl he wouldn't even think about it) It is something you need to work out between you. If it's really a problem, perhaps consult some outside help. Someone else may be able to help you see your husbands point of view and vice versa. Good luck.

Bonnie - posted on 09/27/2010

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It is both of your choices and unfortuately it has to be a compromise. It could just be the age your son is at right now. Maybe your husband finds him to be a handful and it will just take until your son is close to being out of diapers for him to change his mind. Does your husband pay child support for his other 2 children? Maybe that is another issue. My husband and I have 2 boys right now and I would like one more. My husband is not sure yet, so we have decided to give it til the spring or summer to decide for sure. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time.

Amanda - posted on 09/27/2010

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Yeah it sounds like he isn't very hands on. That is important too...I mean if you do have another child and he maintains his view on needing a break, it would seem like you would have your hands full all on your own since it seems that way now. He should be more active with your son and if he feels he needs a vacation, he should really consider how you feel since you are the one caring for him and not him.

I know my kids can be a pain sometimes too and I take care of all four, but my man does too and I know we may need a little break sometimes, but thats solved by a night out together. Maybe you guys should have a night out and leave the little one with a sitter.

Alysha - posted on 09/27/2010

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i understand that...he knows i want another one..he barely sees ours son (dont see other 2 but not his choice) but he says he needs a vacation when i have our son 24.7 he knows i dont want one right this min...but i dont wanna wait till my son is 5 to have another one..

Amanda - posted on 09/27/2010

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It is both of your choice. He may not want one right now because he may think it would be too much. You need to sit and talk to him and tell him you just want a girl not 12 and try to be passive in your discussion because he is already not agreeing with you. The last thing you want to do is irritate him over it.

You also need to look at all the pros and cons...like being able to support and spend time with the children you guys already do have. I have two boys with my partner and before me he had already had three girls. Its not easy but, I love our large family. I got my tubes tied after my second though because I wanted to be able to provide for the family I already had even though I would have liked to have a little girl of my own too.

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