Is it always your job?

Danielle - posted on 07/31/2010 ( 180 moms have responded )

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I worked until about a month before my son was due & once he came I never went back. His dad works 5-6 days a week (on his feet). I accepted long ago that if I wasn't going to go to work I would be the main person taking care of our son/the house. What I wonder though...is if it is ALWAYS my job to do so. For example should the phrase "I worked all day" give him immunity on feeding, changing or cleaning anytime he wants? Always seems to have the energy to play with the baby though lol.
Ughh just bugs me. I feel like being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 job and should have some equality to a 8 hour day at a outside of the house job. If he thinks him working 8-9 hours is rough and he needs to just relax when he comes home, how about me? I am on the go from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until the time I can get my little ball of energy to finally go to sleep for the night. Ha & I also get "he takes at least one nap during the day, I don't get long breaks like that at work" since when in the world did nap time become a break?! Nap time is when you pick up the millions of toys pulled out around the house, nap time is when you throw in the laundry, nap time is when you do the dishes, nap time is when you plan dinner or possibly have a few minutes to feed yourself. I might have one, MAYBE 2 nap times a week where for the 1st 30 minutes I can just sit. I just had to let this out somewhere lol.

Sorry for my rant, gotta go back to work now ;)

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Sarah - posted on 07/31/2010

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It's absolutely part of his job as well. I have heard other people suggest writing done what you do all day and how long it takes you. It doesn't have to be exact, but the closer to what you actually do, the better. Then the next time he says "I worked all day" you hand him the sheet and say "So did I". I always tell my husband, you contributed half the DNA, that means it's half your job to change diapers, or feed or bathe, or whatever I'm asking at the time. Good luck.

Lisa - posted on 08/04/2010

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@Jessica,
Being a SAHM mom is hard work, but it is also rewarding. As you stated in your posts, it is a "job". It is no different than leaving to go perform a job outside of the home. I have a 3 1/2 year old, an 20 month old, and #3 due in January. My husband travels 15 days out of the month. I'm fully aware (as I'm sure most SAHMs and SAHDs are also fully aware), that being a SAHM means that the majority of the household and childcare responsiblies fall to us. However, I believe that doesn't excuse my husband from assisting me in RAISING THE CHILDREN THAT HE BRED!!!

It is very easy to get burnt out when you're not given a break, or any credit, for the job you are doing. I think that the majority of moms and dads who stay home would agree, that sometimes, it's the recognition of what happens throughout the day, what gets done, etc. Most individuals who work, receive praise, thanks, raises, vacations, time off, etc., so they do not get burnt out and just because a Mom chooses to stay at home to work, it doesn't mean she's not entitled to have a decent nights sleep once in awhile, a quiet bath, a lunch out with a girlfriend without children, or a Thank you.

Also remember, as mothers going through this experience, it's never positive or encouraging to attack or belittle someone who's looking for a little boost or encouragement or even a, "I know it's tough, but remember, this too shall pass, hang in there."

[deleted account]

HaHa, sorry for the multiple posts, but I thought this might help.



When hubby and I both worked, he often wouldn't help unless I asked him to, and even then, I would ask him to do something and he would say "okay" but then never get around to it, so this is something that I found worked well for us.



If I was busy, say, clearing the dishwasher, I would ask hubby "Love, it's time for J's bath, do you want to give him a bath, or finish up the dishes?"

It gives him a choice, so he still feels in control and not "nagged", but it forces him to make a choice and act at that moment b/c he knows it is not fair to be sitting on the sofa doing nothing while you are trying to juggle two tasks at once.





There is a trick to it though, try to sound nice and happy, without sounding passive aggressive--sounds easy, but it's harder than you think....at least it was for me, at first. And wait for a commercial break on TV, he will find it easier to tear himself away from it. And always ask in a question form, rather than just telling him to pick one....not sure why, just works better.

Connie - posted on 08/06/2010

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From my experience, "I do so much" arguments always end badly (I've had my fair share of them during the first year of my twin girls' lives). I've had better luck with asking him, "Do you want to change the diaper or unload the dishes?" (I'll do the one he decides against) or "You finish up feeding the girls dinner while I'll start the bath." It keeps more of a team vibe going. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed I'll let him know I need a bread for x minutes, then let HIM decide what to do with the children (he did need suggestions at first)...it's usually loading them into the bike trailer or stroller for a ride...not my choice but they get daddy time and I get to recoup or get the dishes done. When he does go out on a limb...make sure he knows it was appreciated and be sensitive to when he's reached his limit and needs a break!

Amy - posted on 08/06/2010

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It's easy to feel upset that hubby doesn't help with the baby, house, etc., but consider that your hubby works all day (not saying you don't) so that you have the opportunity to stay home with your son. This in itself is a wonderful gift. Many Mom's don't get the opportunity to be able to stay home with their kids because of lack of enough household income for various reasons. Just imagine if you had to work. You would be able to split up the house work with your hubby without any quarrel most likely but you would miss out on seeing you son grow up, take his first step, say his first word, etc. Now, your hubby should be willing to help with some household stuff and if he likes spending time playing with your son you have got your free time. What I used to do when my kids were baby age is clean during nap 1 and then nap during nap 2 or vise versa if I need it. You can always set your son up in a confined area like a playpen, swing, or playgate while you clean the house so that way you are free when it comes to nap time. Don't over do it on cleaning though, just do what you can. Set a timer if you need to. This will give you more time to play with your son.
When your hubby gets home give him some time to unwind at least 30 min then tell him that your son wants to spend some time with him and then let them play while freeing up your schedule to take a bath, go for a run, take a yoga class, go grocery shopping, or grab coffee with a friend. Most importantly be thankful for being able to stay home and be open with your hubby. Let him know what you need and make sure you don't ignore him and don't loose your intimate time together. It's hard for men to understand what taking care of kids is like. To most men, taking care of the kids includes food and play and thats it. But that is why mom's are the nurturers, right?
Another great thing for both of you is to have a sitter or Grandma watch your son one evening a week for a couple hours so you and your hubby can enjoy a date night. This alone time is so much needed so that you can unwind while strengthening your marriage.
Good Luck!!!

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Justa - posted on 10/13/2011

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I have the same thing in my house! Baby's nap times are generally a time to get things done.....like get dinner on or clean! When I ask my husband for time out or more help he responds with: I DO help. I bath him and feed him sometimes......what he does not understand is that while he is "helping", it is so that I can get our dinner....or clean etc....it is NOT so that I can go take a nap?! He doesnt get that we don't have "time off" even if he helps with the baby....that is just one part of my "job". Irritating. I asked him today if I could have a day off on his next break which he responded with this: "You're a housewife. This is what you wanted. Stop Bitchin. All you do is bitch bitch bitch" (How do you like THAT one ladies? lol!) He also responds frequently with: "Well thats it we're definitely not having any more kids then" Which breaks my heart as I dearly want 3 or 4.....and we only have 1....he is incredible though don't get me wrong. So although I want more, I know I don't have the supportive husband I need to do so. :o( Feeling so gutted and low right now....but I guess I just need to suck it up and get on with it.....if I want more precious little ones..?! :o/

Leeann - posted on 10/13/2011

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I do most of the work, and I am okay with that its my job as a stay at home mommy. BUT (big but there) he does have to help when I ask him to, if he isnt to tired, or busy at the moment, or sick. and i dont let him get away with the "I am tired" stuff. i just give him the evil eye lol and tell him to go do it.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2010

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I agree! Thats how it is at my house too...My hubby works 2p-10p, So in the early morning (before 7-ish) I get up with baby, after that he gets up with our son, changes his diaper, feeds him, & plays with him while I sleep in and then he brings our son to me & I get up. We share housework, laundry, etc. When its time for Hubby to get ready for work & go to work I take care of our baby, when he gets off work I (usually) have baby in bed asleep (sometimes I let him stay up to see Daddy) & hubby cooks supper for the two of us. Then we go to bed & wake up the next day to start the day all over again. Granted my Hubby works outside the home, but I know what kind of work he does, since thats what I did too while I was preg, and its not hard work at all, your just kinda there for 8 hrs a day! So I would never let him get away with the whole "I have a job! bs" And on Hubbys days off, we goes places as a FAMILY & before we go, one of us gives baby a bath while the other picks babys clothes out, then one of us gets baby dressed as the other gets a shower. And when we go out, he either carries the baby or the diaper bag (oddly enough they weigh about the same. lol). Hubby will even change babys diapers when we go places (*tip- most mens bathroom changing tables are ALOT cleaner than the womens bathrooms!) My Hubby was raised by a single Mom & I told him from day one, "Im not a single Mom, so Im not going to be the only one to care for our baby!"
Try starting off slow with him...put baby in tub & clean baby, then call hubby in there & tell him to just sit with the baby while baby plays, and you leave the room & go pick out babys clothes...if he starts whining for you to come back tell him to just take the baby out and wrap him up and bring him to you...then say Can you grab me a diaper..then "here can you hang the towel up for me....just little things like that will help him see how much it actually takes to care for the baby...

Charity - posted on 08/13/2010

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This may sound a little mean but it worked wonders for me. I told my husband I needed some time for myself because I was always being entertained by a child and needed some adult time. Then I planned a girl 'night' and spent the entire day with my girlfriends getting some much needed 'me' time & when I got home my husband started to understand that it isn't just sitting around 'watching' your child!

Leah - posted on 08/13/2010

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I had the same problem with my husband until one day I planned a whole day and night out with some friends and my husband was left at home with the kids. NOW he knows how much work it is. He said he kept trying to sit down and as soon as he did, he had to do something else lol. Now whenever I ask him to do something, he (usually) does without a fight. Just an idea. Good luck!

Bonnie - posted on 08/13/2010

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No, your son's father has a responsibility to help look after your son & the house too. "I've worked all day" is nothing but an excuse. & you "work" more than he does anyway. It has been scientifically proven that being a SAHM is the equivalent of holding down 2 full time jobs so he has nothing to complain about.
Maybe write out a timetable for chores so your partner is sharing the responsibility, ie. he does the dishes every second night, washing one day on the weekend, etc.
If he doesn't agree with that I'd write up a list of what needs to be done one weekend & tell him that he has to do it all, whilst looking after your son, & go out for the day! He'll soon understand how hard you "work"!
& yes, I know that sounds harsh but if nothing else worked it's exactly what I'd do (& have done)! Sometimes taking on another person's responsibilities is the only way we fully understand how much they really do.

[deleted account]

The ladies have said it all. I would just add, negotiate (start small). You seem to know what you need/ want. I need half an hour after you get home to regroup, how about from 6-6:30 while you bathe and play with the baby. Men like specific requests. I have triplets and my sanity has been tested a lot so I learn't to get real specific about what I needed.

Laural - posted on 08/12/2010

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Going to work for eight hours is MUCH easier than taking care of a baby with zero rest. Compare it to being a doctor ON CALL constantly. That can make anyone nutty. Somehow, women make babycare look easy so Hubby just assumes that it is. Most guys just need a little education on what you actually do. Leave Daddy alone with baby all day on Saturday so he can learn what it is like for you by yourself with baby. Then he will be more willing to help you out. Anyway, it worked for me.

Rebecca - posted on 08/12/2010

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I feel the same way you do. I understand that I wanted to be a stay at home mom but I do need a break from time to time. Rant all you need to, it does help a little doesn't it.

Becca - posted on 08/11/2010

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As a SAHW is to take care of our home, take care of most of the shopping, pay the bills, run erronds and making business type phone calls that need to be made while he is working.

His job as a WOHH (Work Out of the Home Husband) is to go to work 5 days a week to make money for our family so we can pay our bills and have food to eat.

We are both parents, it's OUR job to take care of our son. I just happen to have more time during the day to do so than he does.

There are chores around the house he does. Like take out the garbage and clean the bathroom. We share the cooking, because we both like to cook.

Sarah - posted on 08/11/2010

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I HATE that some people don't count what we do as "work"!!! It's just totally ridiculous.

Sarah - posted on 08/11/2010

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Add up how much it would cost for a nanny, cook, housekeeper, laundress, gardener, teacher, sex kitten, and wetnurse hand him that bill which includes overtime and see his eyes pop out of his head.
Seriously, try talking to him about how you take on the lion's share of housework and caring for the child the BOTH of you created and all you are asking is for a few things to be done in the evening to help you. You aren't, after all, asking him to work on his feet all day and then come home and take care of the housework too. You are only asking for some of his time. Make sure he knows what you expect from him I mean break it down barney-style give him a specific list. Maybe trade for it, say "hey could you take the the trash out to the curb so I can get working on those brownies for you to take in your lunch tomorrow?", or "if you help me clear the table we will be able to watch that show together", or if you give baby his bath I can put the laundry away and get the clean sheets on our bed *wink wink*. Maybe let him have a little wind down time when he first gets home from work, but let him know that that man- time is only a half hour and then he has to help- no matter what game is on.
Good luck

Arlea - posted on 08/11/2010

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It his job too, don't accept that, he gets paid and appreciated for the work he does, he gets designated times for break so he can eat etc. A mommies job is never done, and we don't get time off. Dr Phil said if we were paid for the work we do with just one child we would get minimum 127000 anually. Your worth is great and you deserve a break and help WHENEVER you need it.

Amy - posted on 08/11/2010

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I totally understand where you are coming from as I, too, deal with the same thing. Plus I am trying to get Avon up and going and work 10 hours outside the home to try and help out financially. I've also had gotten to the point that I had told my husband that if he thinks it's as "easy" as he thinks it is and can do better by himself, don't let me stand in the way. I'm still "waiting" lol.



Just wanted to add-every job has it's own level of stress and that communication is the key in a relationship/marriage and in a family. I agree that parenting is a mutual responsibility no questions ask on that.

Julie - posted on 08/10/2010

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Remmeber working then coming home...? Wouldn't it have been nice to come home to a smell of fresh bread or a meal and the table set to sit down to?

Do that for your breadwinner ... and be his breadmaker. Did you know that the most comforting smell around the world (according to the polls) is bread? The smell of vanilla comes in 2nd -

You don't have to do everything in the home - you get to! Be glad you've got a man. I was widowed at 27 and had five children to raise. I would give anything for my man to walk back through that door. He went to work one day and did not return ... he died following an accident. ♥♥

Danielle - posted on 08/10/2010

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@Jessie Proctor When I said my Dh worked 12 hour shifts, I guess I left out that he too works nights. He does not sleep all day on his days off though. He either doesn't sleep until later or he takes a nap and get's up around noon. Today however he stayed up and let me sleep. By "let me sleep"- I can't stress enough that this means *take the baby and bring him back when he cries so that I can nurse him for 2 seconds and then call DH back to take him again when the baby has decided to pull up on me and jump on the bed* this goes on for the entire time that I'm "sleeping". He's still sleeping now and we have to go grocery shopping so it looks like we'll be shopping late.

He gets home at about 8am as well and some days when he's off and has opted not to sleep at all, he won't sleep until about midnight or later (his choice btw) which means that' he's up for more than 24 hours. He knows that things need to be done and will sacrifice sleep to do them. I just wish that he'd help with the housework. Caring for and cleaning up after 4 (sometimes 5) people is tiring.

I worked 3rds for awhile- not 12 hour shifts but 5 days a week and when my son needed me I was awake and taking care of him. I know how tiring it can be to come home in the morning and not be able to sleep and honestly being a SAHM isn't much different. I don't get to "come home and sleep" ever. I get maybe a couple hours at a time between child waking or waking from what is probably stress induced nightmares.

It's awful but the baby fell asleep on my lap and I'm going to go give him to DH to snuggle with because I have stuff to do. If DH complains that he's "sleeping" I'll be pretty mad b/c if I'm expected to take him while he's fussy and I'm sleeping, he can certainly snuggle a sleeping baby.

Pam - posted on 08/10/2010

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I so feel your pain, it ism exactly the same way at my house. The only difference is that my husband feels that I don't do enough were the house is concerned, and that I spend to much time playing w/ my girls. I told him that he can pick up after himself b/c I'm not his mom, and that he can help out if he sees that something needs to be done. His answer to that is he does alot by providing for the girls. I just don't think he realizes what it is like to be a stay at home mom, and he went as far as to say "that I'm just a babysitter not a mom." b/c the house isn't spotless. I told him he should be happy that his girls are happy and well taken care of.

Erin - posted on 08/10/2010

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I get that sometimes too then I tell my hubby that I worked all day too! mommies need breaks too! and time to relax!

Dominique - posted on 08/10/2010

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Yes I do agree. That we don't get to have a break during the day when the baby has a sleep or has a quick break.

[deleted account]

you are so not alone on this. it happens to alot of mothers it is especially hard if its your first. I was always told the more you have the more the father helps out after he is done working. On his day off you take the day off. You need rest too! YOUR JOB IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN HIS!!!

[deleted account]

My husband works 12-hour shifts - NIGHTS. So I do not have him to help me on his days off either! He comes home at 8am, showers, and sleeps all day until he has to get up and leave for work again. His idea of "helping me" is to take the baby (my son is almost 5 months old) whenever he wakes up at night on his nights off so he "lets me sleep". I still get no help whatsoever during the daytime on his days off because he is sleeping - except in the evenings but I still end up taking the baby 90% of the time anyway. I barely have time to shower or eat granted my baby is amazing and takes good naps but other times I just want to rip my hair out. I am also coping with post-partum depression and we moved after the baby was born so I have no friends and family where we are.
I think he should help me more but whenever I complain to him about it he just gives me those sad puppy eyes and tells me he's trying so I feel like a monster for bringing it up all the time.

Danielle - posted on 08/09/2010

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I didn't read all of the responses (wow there's a lot btw!) but I have worked so I know what it's like and I constantly tell hubby that I spend just as much time, if not more, than him working so I don't want his "I need to unwind" crap.

Last job I had, I worked 52 hour weeks and I felt like I had more "ME time" than when I'm a SAHM! Before the 52 hour weeks, I had my half hour drive to work, my 2 15 minute breaks, my half hour lunch, and my half hour drive home! That's a good 2 hours TO MYSELF! When the 52 hour weeks started, I had given up my lunch to be able to meet the mandatory overtime requirements but still get out of work early so I had 1.5 hr to myself every day.

As a SAHM, the only time I get time to myself is if I stay up after the kids go to sleep and I pay for that the next morning when I'm exhausted and the kids are bouncing on my bed!

Even when DH is home, if I try to take a nap, I'm somehow still responsible for them IN MY SLEEP. It's disgusting and I've gone off on him IDK how many times.

Yes, he works 12 hour shifts but he works 3-4 days a week. Yes he does manual labor but my 4yo is 40lbs, my 6 month old is 22lbs and I'm fairly small so lifting them is manual labor in itself. Don't get me started on the times that I have to physically carry my 8yo to his room when he's being bad and won't go sit in time out since he's like 80lbs and almost my height.... (I can wear his sweatpants!)

I work nearly 24/7 and that's not even an exaggeration. I cosleep so that I can get SOME sleep but some nights my 4 yo wakes up itchy (bad eczema) and I have to soothe him back to sleep or my 6 month old wakes up freaking out because he's going to waste away from not having nursed in a couple hours ;) Seriously, those mid-night feeds, he wakes up screaming and scrambling around trying to get a boob in his mouth like he's starving hehe.

During the day, Logan (my 4yo) likes to run out the door. He can undo the deadbolt and not only runs outside but we live on the second story and he'll go down the stairs, grab his tricycle out of the garage and just go play in the yard. So I'm constantly outside grabbing a kicking and screaming child back into the house. I'd let him play outside but as he likes to do this when I'm nursing the baby down for a nap, it's important that we come back inside so I can tend to the baby that is now screaming b/c I abruptly stopped nursing him and set him down.

My day kind of goes like this:
wake up to child(ren) bouncing on me before I'm ready to be awake
get up anyway and change Logan and Xander's diapers
wash hands while Xander flips out b/c he wants to nurse
Grab Logan breakfast and instruct Adam to get his own cereal if he's hungry
Nurse baby
While nursing baby, logan has a meltdown because he needs help with xyz so try to juggle the nursing xander and help logan
finish nursing xander and put him down so he can play
logan needs more food so I get it
intend on changing diapers
xander's screaming because his teeth hurt so administer teething tablets
nurse xander
get peed on
change both little ones while xander screams because his teeth hurt, he's still hungry, and he needs a nap
nurse xander again
logan runs outside
put xander down, making him scream
chase after logan
come back in and resume nursing/comforting upset baby
baby starts to drift off and logan comes over and yells "DRINK DRINK DRINK" (not demanding, just excited)
baby wakes up
pour logan drink
bounce baby back to sleep thinking to self "please go to sleep! I HAVE TO PEE!!"
put sleeping baby in bed
RUN TO THE BATHROOM
deal with whatever mini crisis Logan is having while hoping his crying doesn't wake Xander
if it doesn't, eat 1/4 of food I managed to microwave myself
baby wakes up starts screaming
change diapers
nurse baby
baby starts to drift off again
hear running water and have to put sleepy baby down (causing him to scream again) and prevent logan from flooding the bathroom
nurse baby while logan is screaming b/c he was "washing his hands" (uhhh dumping water out of a cup into the sink is not washing your hands)
both little ones finally calm down
return sleeping baby to his bed...

I don't think I really need to continue with that ;) I'm sure you get the point. Like as I was typing this Logan was having a meltdown because I can't nurse the baby and help him with the game he's trying to play. before that he was climbing on a step ladder trying to steal my ben and jerry's from the freezer and I had to put the baby who's trying to nurse down to go make sure the ice cream was still in the freezer and the freezer was closed.

I haven't showered. I did manage to eat today but it was microwaveable jimmy dean sandwiches.

Ed works nights so he'll either wake up for work and say "this place looks like hell!" or when he comes home in the morning he'll ask "what did you do the whole time I was working?!?!" UGH

What's worse is when he's home, he'll "let me sleep" which sounds awesome except for whatever reason he seems to think that the baby NEEDS to nurse while I'm napping. There's expressed milk in the freezer. Just ONCE could I sleep in peace???? EVER?

I barely get time to eat or pee. I have to sneak in showers when the baby is sleeping (my 8yo will keep an eye on the 4yo and come get me from the shower if there is trouble). This means I have little to no time for house work. If my 8yo wasn't so great at helping his mommy, idk what i'd do! He brings me drinks if I'm stuck in my chair nursing the baby and he gets his own food most of the time ♥

Logan is just going through a phase where he's just constantly throwing tantrums or getting into SOMETHING (He loves to play in the sink or dump my powdered sugar into the flour). I know that once he's out of this phase things will calm down again but he's been going through this "phase" for about 2 years now. Obviously I've made this clear to DH and Adam (my 8yo) is great at telling his daddy everything that mommy had to do that day so it's not like DH hasn't been told but he somehow expects me to tame the tornado that is Logan, care for the other 2 kids, myself, AND our apartment while he works 2 days on, 2 days off, 3 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 3 days off, etc... he's not even working every day for crying out loud!! YES they're 12 hour shifts but they're split up!

He's a gamer too...like MMORPGs. So he spends a lot of his time at home seriously playing Everquest. He helps with the kids, but really, I'd love for him to help with the house too! I just don't have time! When he holds the baby I try to get stuff done but usually I only manage to get a little bit done before he can't calm the baby anymore :(

Oh and I like to play Everquest too but I can't! I just don't have the time! I've told him before that it's not fair that he gets to raid (um, for the non-gamers...his guild (um, group that he joined) gets together and kills a big thing all together. They share experience points and stuff. Community event type of thing..) on non work nights and the most I get is random internet surfing while I'm holding the baby. Right now, the baby is playing but I'm so freaking exhausted I can't really move :(

The argument I always get from him is that he works all the time so he just needs to relax. What about me?

*I* need to relax too! My mom recently watched my boys so Ed and I could go out and it was AMAZING but she lives like 5 hours away so that won't happen again anytime soon....

I'm a firm believer that everything needs to be equal in a relationship. He works but so do I- just at home. If he can come home and rest then I should be allowed to rest at some point too. It's not even really his fault as far as the kids go- I have mommy's boys. That's why it's that much more important for him to pick up the slack in the house work! The kids only really want me so he should help the the area where I really need it the most! If I wasn't here he'd still have to clean his home!

Sorry for the rant and sorry if it's incoherent, I'm still pretty tired. I feel like a zombie today.

Brandi Nicole - posted on 08/08/2010

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I get the same...i worked why do I have to help...blah! we have 2 and another one on the way. makes me crazy that he thinks I have it easier. I'm the one who has 2 kids with me at ALL times shopping for anything my oldest wont be able to start shcool until next year because we just moved back to chicago and didn't have time to get herin 3yro preschool so soon I will have 3 in tow. and I have it so easy. ha! good luck! sorry about my rant!

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2010

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I feel the same way, but with 4 kids. It is one of the major this we fight about=oP

Lauren - posted on 08/08/2010

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It sounds like what you need is a girls day to yourself. Take a day and leave him with the baby and let him see first hand how much you do.

Melanie - posted on 08/08/2010

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for all you younger ladies i have to tell you after nearly 18 years of marriage and 4 kids, that sometimes they just dont want to do the work. they will ham it up so you wont make them they even do it wrong because they are hoping youll take over and do it for them or maybe not ask them to do it again. they dont care that youve been working your kiester off all day. some dont really understand that you have because the grass is always greener on the other side but lots just think if they can get you to do it why not. stand your ground girls.

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2010

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I get the same thing. I understand your frustration. I think this is a family by family kind of a thing. Yes your husband should help but he also deserves some time off as well. The little thing my husband and I do is allow each other to sleep in on the weekends. We each take a day to wake up and deal with kids in the morning alone. We each get a little extra sleep and I love that he helps in that major way. I do wine about this in my blog all the time. check me out at http://stitchesbyjeni.blogspot.com/

Alison - posted on 08/07/2010

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Make it a priority to relax while the babe is napping. Plan an evening out with friends, or go grab a cup of coffee. Do whatever you like to do for relaxation.
If I am home I automatically take charge because it is what I have been doing all day, but if I leave the house my husband has to take care of the kids, and I get a break!

Shannon - posted on 08/07/2010

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my partner helps out with the kids & around the house while looking for work. i know once he starts working it will be just me doing housework & looking after kids during the day & im fine with that as i know if i really need his help i just have to ask. not sure if i've helped you. don't feel bad about having a rant its better to get it off your chest to people who understand how you feel than keeping it in

Corey Rhodes - posted on 08/07/2010

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@ Danielle. I hear that a lot. I feel like I never get a break. My 7 yr old is now back in school but my 2 1/2 yr old is at home. She is a special needs child and is jsut learning to play on her own. We are always going to appts for her or appts for me. I have made comments about going to work just to get a break from the kids and he replies back with,"then you can go get a job and I'll stay home and take care of everything. I'd love it." or "I work while you are home and I don;t get a break, I am working" but what he doesn't understand is,yes, he does go to a job he hates but he is also getting a break from the kids. I don't ever get a break from the kids, there is always at least 1 at home 5 days a week. I have a few friends in my town but they work when he at home and they are hoem when he's at work.
No family to take the kids for a day or two. I am always on the go from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.
I am lucky in some ways though. He has taken on a lot of the house hold responsibilities since I was diagnosed with severe arthritis in my left hip, degeneritive disk disease and a bulging disk and it has become harder for me to stand up for a long periods of time at the sink or standing or sitting to fold the laundry. He does a lot of the house work and loves it. My daughter is non-verbable and can not walk due to her medical issues so it is hard to do a lot because she is always glued to the hip.

Chrisanna - posted on 08/06/2010

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there is nothing wrong of what you are feeling..I have been a stay at home mother now for about 5 years off and on though. I want to get back to work but it is hard to get back in it. My husband is the sole provider of this family and it is now starting to get to him. We fight over money constantly, and how I just don't have the house clean enough to his standers. I know my kids are a lot bigger 11 and soon to be 7, then yours but I too feel that we deserve time off when they get home. But it does not quite work that way. I do feel bad for him because he is ALWAYS working, we just can't make it right now if he didn't take over for the other guys calls or help them on the weekend when his not on call. He works at least three weeks straight being on call. I can't tell him anything because we can always use the money. I am afraid that with me not working that he is going to get tried of me and not want to be a part of this marriage anymore, that is my biggest fear. I pray ever night that I get a call for a job soon because I just feel like my marriage is riding on it....But yes I feel that they should help out because of all what we do. They just don't realize it and they never will. I hope everything works out for u.....good luck

Amanda - posted on 08/06/2010

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this exact thing is how i ended up leaving my baby's father. he worked so he assumed that i didn't need help and he could do whatever he wanted on his days off and time off. if you feel this strongly, you should talk to him and make it aware that you need help, or you would like help, that it would be nice to take an hour of "mommy time" when he gets off work to do some "mommy things". he should understand. my baby's dad didn't though.

Michelle - posted on 08/06/2010

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me and my husband have a systme where i do all the chores and baby related not fun things during the week then on the weekend i dont lift a finger. and he is not allowed to complain once. or i spill something for him to clean lol. he sleeps good on those nights

Ashley - posted on 08/06/2010

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my bf is the same way and it is a constant 24/7 job no break no pay at the end of the week no sick leave etc etc they should come home be thankful theyve been earning something for what they do and be thankful to have had a break from a screaming pooy child all day and want to have time with thier child alone for awhile when they get home and give us a break lol it annoys the hell outta me

Ali - posted on 08/06/2010

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I imagine you're not the only one feeling this way. I am in the same boat as you. I have a 2 yo and 8 yo and until Dec 2009 was also going to school while raising my kids and taking care of home. It's the same here. He puts in 40 hrs a week and then he is done. It has gotten so bad that I am doing the outside work as well (mowing, trash, cleaning up the house, etc). And yes his reply is the same - well you have nap time. And he never gets up thru the night with the kids (not in 8 yrs) and when I do ask for help I get something like, "what did you do all day??" which takes me everything not to punch his lights out!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he goes to work each day and brings his paycheck home each week, however, being a husband and father does not END with a 40 hr work week. Oh if only I could get a 40 hr work week with sick and vacation time, and - oh yeah - a PAYCHECK!!! But alas, men think that their work is done only at work, and the rest, well that's our job. Just think how much harder it would be if you were working full time and doing it all! I give praise to the working out of the home moms who still do it all. I try to count my blessings, but like you, I feel the need to say - WAKE UP MEN, YOU GOT IT EASY!!!

I do have to give mine credit as well (when do we get our praises sung??) he does do bath time at night now, pretty much every night. He did it one night and I told him from now on, that's his chore with the girls!! I think he enjoys it (mostly, minus the flood cleanup) because it's fun time with the kids.

And to all the dads who do more at home, and help out the little lady at home, THANK YOU!! If only you could be an inspiration to the rest who fall short!

[deleted account]

Just like you and the rest of the moms, I experienced this very well. One weekend he complained he already changed our boy's diaper 3X that day and that I should do the next one. I told him if he wants to keep points he will lose because I've been changing diapers the whole week!

My boys are now 8 and 4 yrs old and hubby has been doing their bath/teeth brushing/reading every night even on vacation for yearssss now. I was unhappy with the early set up so I gave him choices, like, "after dinner, do you want to do the dishes and clean up the mess in the dining room or take care of the kids?" Just be sure that you are specific. At first hubby's idea of cleaning up was putting the dirty dishes on the kitchen sink undone and floor and table still has food. it took years but it worked and I don't need to remind him about it at all. besides, he feels good when we stay at his parents' on vacation.
makes his brothers' look bad and my sisters-in-law really jealous. :)

I still do all laundry and cleaning the house and have other complains about him but at least I've got him trained to do one major role with the kids. :)

Elizabeth - posted on 08/06/2010

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My husband works for accounting firm, he going to school for his CPA, has to do climb grain bins for audits he works 5 days a week 6 months out of the year 8 hrs a day and the other 6 months he works 6 days a wk, 10 to 12 hrs a day. I felt this way after we had our second child. I stay home with the girls. But I don't think of it as a chore. Yes, we bust our butts off day in and day out, we have lazy days, and rough days, we have days were we cant sit down more than 5 minutes and days when we can't eat until dinner.

I don't ask my husband to do anything unless I NEED it. lack of sleep, sick kids etc. He works hard at work and I do during the day. We have our own schedules through out the day. I love my husband and he does come home sometimes and goes to bed, he comes home sometimes and takes both girls into the bedroom to watch a movie. My husband 's mother (rip) was a stay at home mom and he knows it is a job! and I stay busy. For that alone, him saying thank you, the extra I love you's. I am blessed

[deleted account]

I'm sorry but I just don't think I understand here.

My husband is a chef and a typical work week consists of about 6 (could be 7) work days that often last 13 hours each. By the time he comes home and gets showered and something to eat I can see that he's totally whooped. I don't ask him to do anything unless there are extreme circumstances (aunt flo can make me very ill, sick baby depriving me of sleep, etc.). In those instances I make sure he is all set up -- starts off with baby in a fresh diaper, bathed, fed (or bottle/food made), older child has a movie night, etc.

I dont ask him for help very often but I should also note that since I stopped asking him for help, he has volunteered A LOT. He's a really good daddy and husband is doesnt mind "taking care" of us.

Lindie - posted on 08/06/2010

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SORRY, but HE also helped made the child....he should put time in. I have a maid AND we have an agreement...I look after kids in the day...NIGHT TIME IS HIS JOB!

Kate Kathy - posted on 08/06/2010

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I hear you! My husband always says thank you for everything that I do around the house, but still I have to do it all. I recently told myself that her nap times are my time! To read, nap, excercise etc. If I have to stay up a little later and pick up or whatever it is will worth it. Maybe you can find someone with little ones and plan a date for ech of you to watch their kids and yours and take that time about 3 or 4 hrs and do something for yourself while they watch the kids. Your are helping someone out and yourself. Good luck. Just remember that you have a life outside of your home!

Margaret - posted on 08/05/2010

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I hear 'ya!!!! My husband always gives me this all the time!! My favorite thing my husband says is usually right after I clean up after dinner, is literally when I get my first break for the day!! he usually plays with the baby on the floor, and I plop on the couch for a few minutes.....GOD FORBID I say "Man, I'm tired!!" Its like I get the death stare, and I get the famous "It's your own fault. He naps for 2 hours!! Why dont you nap when he does?" Why don't I??? Welll...its because I did 4 loads of laundry, loaded, unloaded, and loaded the dishwasher, made about 15 trips up and down the stairs putting away the laundry and what have you, made the bed, picked up YOUR clothes lying all around the house, vacuumed the entire house, mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned all the bathrooms, payed bills, cleaned up baby food from our sons hair at breakfast, lunch and dinner, OH, and not to mention chased our 10 month old all around the house!!! I do love and appreciate EVERYTHING he does for us though...

Brenda - posted on 08/05/2010

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Leave them all home with the baby/kids for 12 hours. It will only take once...guarenteed.

Evelyn - posted on 08/05/2010

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It's funny though that when a child comes into our lives men look at it as that's yours you wanted it they just went along with it. Before you had your child you helped bring home the bacon. Now you're left cooking it. From what it sounds like you may not have sat down with your baby's daddy before the procreation of the child what the rolls would be not so much I'll stay home and raise the baby but what is he willing to contribute besides the "bacon" to help nurish the growth of the child. In relationships where children are invovled the children observe the family dynamics and they tend to mimic behaviors so even if dad thinks that by playing with the child that should be his only contribution. He is failing the child in the sence he is teaching the child that he can only contribute but so much. I suggest you sit your partner down and redraft your idea of how to better nurish you family dynamic. Emphasize that although you appreciate his contribution that you feel that at the end of the day you're running on empty and that you would appreciate some time to refuel. Set up a managable compromise that will work for the both of you because you appreciate him coming home tired from work as well. Map out a goal that is reasonable and workable for the both of you this way you get what you want without pulling your hair out. Take the opportunity to take a half hour nap when he is playing with the baby tell him you need it to be less cranky. He will eventually appreciate you more for working it out to both your advantage. Set up chores together so that neither of you are overwhelmed. Hope this was helpful to you. I know what it is to feel the way you do but I changed it.

Rachel - posted on 08/05/2010

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I know the feeling. :/ I am glad I am not the only one with this problem. Maybe I will try the schedule thing.

[deleted account]

Danielle....I think you're my new hero....I don't care what you get done around the house...way to stick up for yourself! I will tell you the hardest thing about being a SAHM (because I am blessed to have a man who is more than willing to help and spend time with his kids)....is the little entity know as the "Super mom". she gets everything done, every day and looks great doing it. Which is fine... I applaud you. but don't look down your perky nose at me because I cannot do it all. What's more...I refuse to pretend that I want to even do it all. I cannot stand it when mom's criticize other moms. If you raise people up...you'd be surprised how they can fly!

Alisha - posted on 08/05/2010

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i totaly understand what you are saying my boyfriend works about 8 hours everyday and i babysit everyday on top of dealing with my 4 month old and he uses that excuse all the time its like when do i get a break my job never stops

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