Is it ok for my husband to refer to the money he makes as "his money"?

Kate - posted on 07/09/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello. I am a stay at home mom of a 2.5 year old and a 16 month old. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We are 11 years apart, I'm 22 and he's 33. I met him when I was a sophomore in college and less than a year later I got pregnant with our first daughter. When I got pregnant, he was in the process of buying a house an hour and a half away from where I was going to school and working. We were not thinking of marriage at the time, but he just assumed that I would follow him and the pregnancy made that a necessity. After I had the baby, I found the commute to school very difficult. My mother was willing to watch our daughter for me, but in exchange always wanted me to watch my younger sister. I was ok with this, but my husband wasn't. In order to avoid constant arguing and strife between my husband and mother, I chose to switch my degree to an online bachelor completion program to finish my degree at home. I am now in a position where it would be too expensive to work. My husband has a good job that is able to provide comfortably for the family and now we have moved over 7 hours away from any family members. He is a wonderful husband in so many ways, but lately he has been referring to the money he brings in as "his money." I have never made a financial contribution to our family, but any money that I have received as gifts from relatives has always gone towards the family. My grandmother gave me a very generous gift when she sold her house and told me that it was for going back to school when I was ready, I didn't think twice about putting that in our savings account for us to use in case of financial hardship. For three years of our marriage I thought we were a team. Now he's been very blunt that the money he makes is "his money," I can use it for what I need, but I have no right to tell him how to spend it. I am not an extravagant person. I buy my clothes at goodwill, I don't do girly things like get my hair or nails done and I very rarely buy anything for myself. I have always let him handle our finances, but to actually be told that his money is "his money" strikes a very painful nerve. I love him, but since he's told me that I look at him differently. Our house doesn't feel the same, because it's actually HIS house. I feel like I have given up all of my potential for the sake of our family and for him to "put me in my place" the way he did makes me feel horrible. Is this a normal way for a man to think if he's the only one working? Or am I being pathetic for not standing up for myself?

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Michelle - posted on 08/19/2014

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You could give him an invoice indicating all the money you are saving him in expenses by staying at home. Child care, housekeeping, cooking. Do you take care of the bills? Accounting. It is a matter of perspective. Do not be confrontational. My husband and i went through this years ago. When he finally figured out that it actually cost him $20 per paycheck for me to go to work, he decided that my staying at home to raise our two children wasn't such a bad idea. :) Besides the fact that he doesn't have to share many of the household responsibilities because they are already done by the time he gets home. Additionally our weekends are more free because I don't have to play catch-up from the work week.

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Jackie - posted on 09/05/2014

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This is my fear in our relationship too! I see you posted a few months ago….what did you do and how is it going?

Kate - posted on 07/10/2014

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Thank you both! I never thought I was pressuring him about money, but I guess my viewing myself as having an equal say in our finances really bothered him. He doesn't want me to be able to tell him what he can and can't buy, (fishing supplies, hunting gear, etc.) We agreed that he could put a set amount of play money away every pay period. I just wish I would have known this before we got married instead of being so naive and putting myself in a position where I feel like a child.

Amanda - posted on 07/09/2014

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The more communication you have... the better! If he understands how you feel (and cares about how you feel), he will stop making the remarks. I don't know what religion you are, but even the bible says it's the man's responsibility to work. You are not pathetic! He also needs to know that it isn't going to be 'his' money when it goes to alimony and child support

Praphulla - posted on 07/09/2014

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the more u pressurize him about finances what and how he spends thats hw he feels and responds. never pressurize him. let him stay whatever he says. a man should be the bread winner in the house and the woman should be the home maker. i am not saying that u should not go for work but as u r at home now don t think what u r but just give ur best to everyone in the house no matter what they say. good food, good care show that u care for him ask to him abt what happened at work what kids did that hw he feels that somebody is there for him and will nt treat u seperate. if he says i hav to buy a shirt u say can i select for u. what u sow is what u will reap. more than u ur kids need a father. its left to u to go with ur thoughts of what u feel right and quarrel which finally ends up in seperation(.its hard) or construct. it takes time but u got to b patient bye

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