Is it right for men of stay at home wifes to treat their wives like she's his maid ?

Robertine - posted on 02/07/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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I have a daughter who is a stay at home mom with two children. I know what it's like to be a stay at home mom myself. I understand that the husbands work and some are working over 40 hours a week. A mother stays at home 24/7 and is expected to be chaste housekeepers and take care of the children as well as meeting her husband's needs as well. I don't think that men should treat their wifes like they are maids or slaves. Yes the wifes should keep the house clean, but my thing is why should she have to pick up behind her husband like he's one of the children. Then all he wants to do is play video games. My daughter has to take care of the business matters when it comes to finances. All he wants to do is play his games. I feel like he can help out and do things for himself like pick out his own clothes and help some around the house. Clean up his own messes.

One reason I bring this up is, he told her that since she's no longer working he don't have to help her around the house. The cost of childcare is not cheap. She needs a job that will pay for childcare and have some money left over to help her husband take care of the bills and other expenses. She didn't have the babies by herself, and I feel like he needs to step up his game and help my daughter more than what he does. She wants to work outside the house. I feel she's in the right place being in her children's lives. She's so far away from me. If she was here in the state I live in then I could keep the babies for two day s of the week when I'm not working. I wouldn't charge her a thing. These are my babies too. So am I wrong for thinking the way I do? Interested in your feedback.

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Andra - posted on 02/13/2010

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When he has a day off from work, she needs to tell him he has the kids for the day. He is to clean the house and watch the kids...she has another place she has to be that day. Let him see what it is like to be in her place. I am sure he will be completely frazzled by the time she gets home. He needs to realize all the things she does. I know my husband has a hard time with this, too. But I homeschool on top of it. And I've told him that teaching children to clean up their own messes, wash dishes, and do laundry makes a bigger mess when teaching than actually doing it myself. After 19 years of "child duty" he is finally figuring it out! We have 5 children ages 19-4. And our house is never clean enough for either of us, but it could be lots worse!

He should never treat her less that what she is...God's Princess. If he could see the look on God's face whenever he treated her the way he does, I think he would definitely change his attitude. Someone should remind him of that. She needs to stay respectful of him, but he needs to respect her as well. The Bible says that a man is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, and died for it. If he is not even willing to pick up his nasty clothes, he is probably not willing to die for her. He needs to step up and be a man, not a manniken.

Renae - posted on 02/08/2010

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Anna, I'm glad that worked for you. Your husband sounds like mine. Except my husband still doesn't make an effort even when I loose it at him like you did. :)

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Marsha - posted on 06/22/2011

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Ur daughter needs to talk to her husband and let him know how she feels. It may or may not change the situation but she wil feel better having talked to him. If she does want to go back to work then she needs to make sure her check will cover child care and then some so she is just not working to pay for that unless she doesn't care..she just wants to b out of the house for a few hours a day. If she wants to rjoin the air force then go ahead and she will be eligible for day care on the base. I wish her luck bc it is hard to change someone.

[deleted account]

I think alot of sahm have felt like maids before. You have to set boundaries with your partner. Men think we are super women, which we are :), but we gotta have a side kick! My husband has two chores, mowing and laundry. I think they need to communicate better. I notice the better I keep the house clean, the more likely he is to pick up his clothes and wash his dishes. Anyways if he still thinks shes a maid. Then its time for him to pay her...

Shirley - posted on 02/21/2010

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I am very sorry to hear that your daughter is treated by her husband that way. I think it's mean of him because being a full time housewife is the hardest job of all and the most noble of all jobs. Being a full time housewife is like being a superwoman because you divide and balance your time equally to your children, your husband, the household chores, cooking, marketing, endless jobs as a matter of fact and you have to be very good in managing the family's finances. I think stay home moms are the most patient.
Even if the situation in your daughters house is something that hurts you, let her solve her own problems, do not meddle because the husband may not take it well and you will just make things worst. Let your daughter talk to her husband and discuss point by point how hard it is for her to single handedly attend to all the houselhold matters and receive a very inconsiderate treatment for him. That, if he will be considerate enough to treat her well and help in some household work will be very welcome and that being the provider does not free a man from household chores. That it doesn't give him the right to demean his wife the way he does to your daughter. If your daughter is the kind who cannot talk straightforwardly to her husband, tell her to ask help from the husband's relatives who he listens to, or better yet, write her husband a letter explaining how she feels and that the situation in the house is hurting her. In everything, a husband and wife should be partners. It may hurt to hear this, but I think the husband loss his respect for your daughter and that she is being taken for granted. Tell your daughter to speak up and be brave and firm to get his husband's attention and add some bluff coupled with prayers.
The best that you can do is pray hard that things gets well and try to help your daughter find a home based source of livelihood. It will boost her self esteem. God bless you both. Good luck.

Jeannie - posted on 02/21/2010

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Forget about the sloppy husband... Lot's of us have them. Some men can change, Some won't. Some expect a spotless house... It sounds like your daughter needs to learn how to make plans for a Daddy and Child time! schedule appts. when Dad and child are home. (Sorry dad, OB/GYN yearly exams aren't for kids) and this was the best I could do. 2 can play the same game... you just need to learn how and when to work it. If she's not willing to put her foot down and be firm to say. Help or Out.

Robertine - posted on 02/20/2010

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Yes, some men take the scripture where it says women are to submit to their own husbands and make this a one-sided issue. The Bible also says that men should submit to their wives. The Lord is a God of balance. Some people take the Word of God out of context and try to fit it into their own little mold. Yes Andra this is a perfect example of what it should be like between a husband and wife. Sometimes men take their wives for granted.

Lindsay - posted on 02/13/2010

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Absolutely not! I feel the same way you do. It gets very tiring keeping up the household and running around after your kid(s) all day. And then to have your man come home and complain about the way the house looks, or make a mess behind you after you just cleaned something, it is very irritating. I feel like saying sometimes, " I know your momma didn't raise you like this, so pick up after yourself!" I'm not his maid, and never will be. Sometimes, you just have to let them know that. My hubby has gotten better about helping me out. I have been known on occasion to let the house go for a couple of days just so he will appreciate the work I do, and know that he doesn't live in filth.

[deleted account]

no your not wrong but im affraid your daughter is the one allowing this sort of behavior from her husband she needs to put her foot down my husband works nearly 60hrs a week his a manager if his dirty washing aint in the bin i dont wash it if he dont put his dirty crocks in the dish washer they can stay there until he get home then i make him tidy them away by washing them by hand some nights i dont feel like cooking so he sort out dinner it may sound cruel but its a partnership im not his mother and i dont expected to be treated as such tuff love she needs to put her foot down but what ever she threatens him with she must be prepared to carry it out so good luck and give her my love

Natalie - posted on 02/11/2010

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You're not wrong at all!
I stay at home, i have 2 small children and i stay home b/c daycare is crazy expensive and all i would do is go to work to pay for it... so not gonna happen.
My husband is in the military, at the moment his shifts are crazy, he sometimes works 15-18 hours a day for 7 days straight so i do not ask him to clean when he works so much BUT when he is home, i expect him to help me when i need him. clean up his own mess and help me out with the kids.
Some men just don't understand how hard it is to stay at home. We have like 50 jobs in 1.
My hubby had a while where he was complaining a lot when something wasn't done... or should i say teasing... so i made a deal with him, i left for about 6 hours, left him at home in charge with everything on my schedule and when i cam back he was to thankful, lol. Now he tries to pitch in when he can.

I just think that it's harder to stay at home and do everything then to just go to work and then expect everything to be done... we all live in the same house, we all make mess so we all have to help. My kids (2 and 4) help out as well and i think it's only right. That's the only way they will learn how to take care of themselves...ugh, i hate macho men

Sharon - posted on 02/11/2010

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I am a stay-at-home Mom. At first my husband was working and then I started working at home through our business. My son was in Pre-K 4 outside the home but when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I started homeschooling him. So, not only do I wait on my husband hand and foot, I homeschool my child, EXTRA clean the house because of his cancer, and run the household. It has not been easy. I do get irritated if he can take the effort to "smoke" and leave dirty clothes, dirty dishes, etc., and not gather them on his way to smoke. I let my opinions known but then I take pride in doing what I do. I care for my family and how my home looks. So, if by God's graces I have enough energy to go around I do all I can for my family and look at it that somehow I will be rewarded.

[deleted account]

Let me tell you now...If my husband leaves his stuff on the floor, that's where it stays. I won't touch it. It can stay there and gather dust for all I care. So if he runs out of something like socks or work uniform, he learns very quickly where he needs to put it. I am not a maid.

My husband understands that I get tired too, he gives me a night off cooking each week. I'm pregnant at the moment (number 5) and just got through horrific morning sickness, while I was sick he did the grocery shopping for me! :)

A relationship is always give and take, it's not wrong to say ok "I will do this if you can do this.." working in harmony.

In your daughters case for example: Husband needs some down time after work, that's ok, so he can have say an hour or so of video games, so long as he's tidied up after himself and helps get the children ready for bed...etc. Wife needs down time too. They need to come to an agreement between them of what's required or expected. There is no harmony when there is no balance.

Amanda - posted on 02/11/2010

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It's definitely not okay for him to treat her this way. Your right she didn't make the babies by herself so he should help her with them. My husband works long hours sometimes but he always makes time to help me with the kids and even housework, if I'm sick he would do all of it by himself just to let me rest. Your daughter is going to have to put her foot down and tell him she needs some help around the house and that it's time for him to grow up, video games are fun but they should be saved until all the housework is done and the children are in bed.

Lynn - posted on 02/11/2010

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I do agree basically with everyone. Yes, we are stay at home Mom's for a reason. But, the husbands do need to respect us as well. There is no reason why the husbands can't find a garbage can, sink, or laundry basket. If they were living by themselves they would have to do it anyways, lol. It isn't like we are asking them to clean dishes or do the laundry. My goodness they could at least do that. I understand our men are working to provide for all of us, but the little things here and there do help a little. My husband has 3 responsiblites at home. Cleaning the garage, cleaning the basement, and the outside work (which he actually enjoys doing). Those areas that he has to keep clean in the house he cleans them once every 6 months. He figures those are his areas of the house that he rather I not touch. Believe me I still yell at him to at least pick up his clothes and put them on the stairs going up where are laundry room is. Not to leave them laying around on the floor. That his just insane. I usually make some noise about every 6 months to remind him of certain things. He tries to make it out like I am has maid/mother. But I quickly remind him I am his wife and partner and how much I actually do around here. Sometimes I think that they think all we do is sit on our butts all day and eat bon bons.

Dawn - posted on 02/11/2010

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NO!! In no way is a stay at home mom a maid. Her husband needs a wake up call. She will end up resenting him. She is making the biggest investment ever, her children. It is something to be looked at with respect and honor. If my husband had these veiws he wouldnt be my husband much longer.

Dawn - posted on 02/11/2010

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Just like each of us, it is hard to understand what another does, until we try to do it ourselves. I, right from the start, figured out my husband has to learn by doing. He learned how hard infants were because I left him with the infant between feedings, and he learned diapers, children's demands, he learned the house fell apart while you take care of the kids. He didn't like me doing the finances, because he felt I was too restrictive on his spending, and that I spent too much. I let him do the finances. Yes, we went 40,000 in debt (don't recommend that to anyone) before he would admit he needed to learn more about finances. We are now debt free, and have gone 9 years without a fight about money. Maybe your son in law will get an idea of how much work it is to be a stay at home parent if your daughter and you do an adult only weekend getaway? He can see how hard her days are?

LauraBeth - posted on 02/11/2010

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I have a Amazeing Hubby who doesnt pick-up after himself at all, but that is what I am here to do, I love my job and am so grateful that he makes enough for me to be able to stay at home and take care of him and our children!!, now that we are prego again he has been very helpful due to all my morning sickness (that seems to last all day :-)) he as cleaned, cooked dinner and taken very good care of me!! I am ready to get to feeling better so I can take care of him again, like it should be!!

Anna - posted on 02/11/2010

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No not at all...your daughter and her husband sound exactly like me and my husband! we have the same argument atleast twice a month..and things will be good fora litle bit but then he will fall back into the same routine. it does irritate me, and i do feel like his maid, and i do feel like he is one of my children that i have to pick up after. maybe one day he will change..but im not going to hold my breath lol.

Deborah - posted on 02/11/2010

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Oh I know how maddening it can be when the hubby doesn't pick up or clean up after himself....drives me crazy!!!! I have felt too many times like nothing more to him than a maid!!! Especially when housework is so unstimulating, boring and always there....never seem to get ahead!!! Kids learn so much by example. There was a time when we'd tell our then 3 year old to pick up his toys off the floor and he'd reply with "Don't worry Mommy will do it" and that kinda made a light bulb in my Hubby's head go off and he realized that he needed to clean up after himself. It is amazing what a difference it makes in housework for me when everyone takes personal responsibility for themselves. Also, doing nothing when your home except play games...what is he teaching the kids? Later on when they have homework or chores...it will be hard to get them do do those things when they want to play instead. If they see Daddy doing his "chores" before he "plays"......it will be a lot easier in the long run. Have to think about what kind of example your setting for the kids and not only how it effects things NOW but also in 2, 3 even 10 years from now. They should decide who is going to do what around the house. I take care of the house and the hubby does the garage, yard, patio and the major things in the house like cleaning heating vents, fixing things, and he helps with our son. You son in laws statment that since she no longer works, he doesn't have to help her around the house......yeah not good. There were times when I could "leave for a few days" and let him do MY JOB I know he wouldn't of been able to handle it and then like to have him tell me he shouldn't have to help. But I had no where to go for a few days. Maybe your daughter can come stay with you for a few days and leave him with the kids. I bet when she gets back...he will see things differently!!!!!!

Nadine - posted on 02/11/2010

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I don't like video games especially for adults. When my son is old enough I might think about maybe just letting him play while on vacation from school as long as he has good grades. Honestly my friends and I call video games the mistress because it takes so much time away from the family. My husband works in a school as a princple and has a really stressful job. But when he comes home he helps. Sometimes he will feed the baby, change his diaper. He will sometimes get dinner ready and will try to do the dishes which I don't let him. The height of the sink hurts his back. But he will help me clean up sometime he will iron his own clothes. I am really lucky. He understand that staying home all day can be very stressful and lonely. it is not about him working at home it is about appreciation. A mothers job is 24/7. she needs a break too. She needs to get him to understand that. She needs to let him know that this is straining there realtionship and this is not a good thing to show the kids. You are right not to say anything, because this will cause more problems. the mother or mother in law should not get involved. It putsa strain between the husband and wife. But your daughter needs to take action before this issue destroys there mariiage. Good luck to you and her.

Robertine - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hi Marsha, she has talked to him and he feels like she don't need him to help around the house because she 's not working. Before she had the children, she was in the Air Force and he wasn't working at that time. She's was taking care of everything and he was at home not doing anything. I resented him for this. All this was going on while she was stationed in another state. When they got together after her basic training, he was still not working. After her first child was born she had received a medical discharge from the Air Force so now neither of them were working. So she's been a stay at home Mom ever since. He is resentful to the fact that she's not working so this is why he has this attitude. He's a very selfish person. She wants to go back to work, but it won't be in the Air Force. What he fails to realize, is she will need a job to pay for child care and have enough left over to take care of their personal expenses. My son-in-law has a lot of growing to do. He's 31 and my daughter is 23.

Marsha - posted on 02/09/2010

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no, i don't think you are wrong for thinking the way that you do. as a newly stay at home mom, it is hard to get everything done with kids around, esp if they are younger kids and not good at entertaining themselves while you do housework. he should help out by at least putting his dishes in the sink or clean up his own messes. if she can talk to him how important this is and how she feels she is being taking advantage of communication may be the most helpful. if they don't have good commuincation then that won't work and she may need to find a support group to voice her frustruations to.

Robertine - posted on 02/09/2010

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Thanks Tara. You sound like you have a great guy who understands. When I was married to my kids day, I felt he was looking for a mother figure rather than a wife. Some of the simplest things became a challenge for him to do like getting his own clothes or pressing out a shirt. I remember those days when trying to get dressed for church and at that time my two oldest were small. Trying to get them dressed wore me out and I had to get my own things together. It used to drive me crazy when my ex would ask me to press out his shirt and he would be sitting around not helping me with the kids. So now I see this with my daughter. I have to remember that I don't have to live with this. This is my daughter's battle. But she gets frustrated at times and calls me when she needs to vent.

Robertine - posted on 02/09/2010

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Yes Renee, you're right it's not my battle to fight. I love my son-in-law, but I have witnessed this when I go to visit them. It takes every fiber in my being not to say anything to him. But then I remember that I am going home and don't have to deal with this issue. Just wanted to know what others think about this issue. Thanks for your response.

Renae - posted on 02/08/2010

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I am def a maid in our house. My husband has always been lazy and has never helped. And you know what, he never will. I knew this long before I married him and you cant change a man. I dont think you can do anything. My mother is also very upset that my husband is lazy, but its not her battle to fight.

[deleted account]

I agree. It's not ok for any man to treat his wife like the maid. I REALLY had to lay down the law with my husband a few years ago. He used to literally throw garbage on the floor and walk away. He is one of the messiest people I have ever met. The two kids cannot make as big a mess in a day as he can. No joke.

So basically, one day, I kind of lost my mind on him (not saying that's the best approach) and told him how disrespectful it was that he couldn't even be bothered to throw his own garbage in the trash can, that I must be worth absolutely nothing to him if he really expected to be able to just throw trash all over the floor and have me pick it up happily. I told him that he needs to learn the location of three things in our house. Those three things are the garbage can, the sink, and the clothes hamper. If he will just put his trash in the can, his dishes in the sink, and his clothes in the hamper, I can deal with the rest.

He never did get the sink and hamper thing down, but at least he doesn't throw garbage everywhere anymore. Hey, it's an improvement.

Sometimes it takes a bigger hammer, and a wake-up call to the fact that it is EXTREMELY disrespectful to expect a wife to act as a servant.

Tara - posted on 02/07/2010

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Definitely not wrong for thinking this way. If my husband acted like that I'd give him a good swift kick in the butt. Both of us are gamers and my husband will let his character "die" in the game if I need help with either of our girls. We decided I would stay at home so (A) we would be the ones raising our kids, and (B) we wouldn't have the extra expenses associated with me working (daycare, commute, etc).

Honestly, she didn't make the babies by herself - he needs to get over himself and pitch in when needed, they are his kids too. If he thinks that he doesn't need to help out, maybe she should take a day or two and make him do everything she has to do on a daily basis - make out a list of everything she does, hand over the kids and take off - I'd bet dollars to donuts he'd get NOTHING on her list done.

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