Is it wrong of me to be upset?

Sarah - posted on 02/04/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I just called my husband to see if he was going to be home from work soon. I said he didn't know, I asked if he could give me an estimate. He didn't respond, so I said (kinda bitchy) Ok fine, never mind. He hung up on me. He leaves for work before 7 in the morning, doesn't take a lunch break most days, and our 21 month old daughter is constantly asking for him. (It's6:45pm here) We miss him. I try to wait for him for dinner, that's why I called him tonight. I'm so upset right now... I'm trying not to cry in front of my daughter because she knows I just called Daddy on the phone. I don't want her to see me upset... I am supposed to meet some friends later as well, but he couldn't even give me an idea of when he will be home. What can I do? Should I be upset that he hung up on me or that he just can't give me an idea of when he will be home... I'm starting to wonder if he rally cares about us or not. He says there is nothing he wants more than to be here with us, but I'm seriously starting to wonder.... AAAHHHH :(

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Renae - posted on 02/05/2010

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Oh dear Carolee, if I spoke to my husband's boss behind his back he would be FURIOS! Do you really think the boss will not say anything and will "side" with the wife over his employee/friend/fellow male?



Sarah, has your husband always been like this? I have been with my husband 11 years and he has always been vague and defensive about me wanting to keep tabs on him. It is his way of ensuring he maintains some form of independance. I keep this in mind and only call him if I need to know when he will be home; such as "Junior really needs to go to bed he is very tired so I need to know whether to wait so he can see you or will you be too long for him to wait up?" I have also asked my husband to text msg me when he will not be home in time for dinner, I explained that this is just simple curteosy as I dont want to be rushing to have a dinner ready that he isn't going to be here to eat.



I'm sure your husband does care about you. I know that my husband has felt like he goes to work all day and works hard for us and then I hassle him about being at work - to him that seems very backward, he is just trying to do the right thing. Also, do you throw your baby at your husband the second he walks in the door? I know some men who deliberately come home when baby is in bed so they dont get lumped with baby duty the second they walk in the door after working all day.



Have you sat him down and had a good talk about how this situation makes you feel and the thoughts that are going through your head? I bet it would be an eye opener for him. And I bet he is thinking and feeling things that you didn't realise. Talk it out.

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Mary - posted on 02/12/2010

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I agree with Deborah. Your feelings are important, of course they are, just be wary of discounting his feelings. I am thinking he may be just as frustrated as you are that his boss does hardly any work and he has to do everything. He may be feeling resentful, upset and frustrated with work, but trying not to lay it on you or make you worried because he knows how much you do for him, and how busy you are and emotionally delicate what with the pregnancy and all. he just doesn't realize that when he doesn't "lay it on you" you don't know that anything at work is bothering him, and you take it all personally instead and assume that it is you that is bothering him! this kind of thing happens regularly at our house... then I finally sit him down and tell him that I NEED to know what is bothering him so that I don't take it so personally, and so I can try to be more understanding of his frustration and worries... I would ask him what he suggest I do as to dinner plans, etc. if he isn't going to know when he will be home... sometimes when they have to try to come up with a solution for us they then realize how impossible the situation is with no communication from him whatsoever and he might suggest a way for him to let you know what time he might be home for dinner etc. On thinking more I realize that might be KEY.... ask HIM for suggestions for how you should handle your dinner plans, and how you should deal with it when you don't know when he'll be home and start getting antsy that your plans might not work out. (would he prefer a quick text, email, or what? ) and try to work with him on those suggestions. Good luck, and no, you are definatly not alone in your woes!!! MEN! lol

Deborah - posted on 02/11/2010

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LOL, been there had that issue! After our son (now 4 yrs old) was born....same thing happened. He explained that as the "Father & Husband" he went into "Provider Mode" His job to provide for us which entailed working hard, putting in extra hours, trying to get promoted (so more $$ coming in) etc.

Best thing to do is sit down with him and have a talk and see where he is coming from. You might be surprised. I know the frustration. But after 17 years of marriage (yes it was about 12 years till we had our son) I've come to finally realize that men and women are so totally different in everything....same exact statement is processed 2 completely different ways. Heck, sometimes I don't even try to understand and just chalk it up to being a "Man Thing".

Best thing to do is sit down (when your both NOT upset or tired) and talk things out. You'd be amazed at what you find out about each other!!!!!!!!!! Also realize, you may not know what is going on at his work. Having a bad day? Complications? Maybe even something came up at the last minute and he was mad that he couldn't get out of there when he wanted...etc... I know it's hard...believe me..been there done that! Good Luck!

Robertine - posted on 02/10/2010

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I don't think that it's wrong for you to feel this way. You need to express to your spouse how you feel. Communication is the key. But then you don't want to get into an argument about it. Why is he getting upset and hanging up on you. This is selfish behavior. I understand that he has to work, but he needs to realize that his family is important too, especially your daughter. Men don't realize how important it is for them to have an active part in the lives of their little girls. Little girls need to know that they are loved and accepted by their dads. They know their moms love them, but there is a thing called balance. Your daughter knows there is another person in her life besides her mom and it's your spouse. It seems like men want to Let him know how you feel. It 's not fair that he's responding in this manner. I realize that he has to work, but as a stay at home MOM, you are working too taking care of the house and the children as well. Not only are you taking care of things at home, but you are also meeting his needs as well.

My daughter is going through pretty much the same thing herself. She has two small children both under the age of 5. When her husband comes home from work, he messes up and plays video games, then he goes to bed and leaves my daughter with the babies. He spends time but it 's like he's in his own world. Sometimes my daughter feels like she had to do things all on her own. Even when it comes to doing the business ends like paying bills etc...Hang in there Sarah, but talk to him and this can be done without fighting and arguing.

Sarah - posted on 02/10/2010

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Maura, Seth works for a small Manufacturing Company... His official job title is Mechanical Engineer, unofficially he is the Vice-President of the Company. He is in charge of Customer Service, he does a TON of Sales, Quotes for parts, all the purchasing, they fired their Production Manager, so that pretty much got pushed on him... let's see... yeah, there's nothing at that place that he doesn't do... I've even gone to help him on the floor(in the shop) Inspecting, Measuring, Packaging, and Shipping parts. His boss does non of these things... It's frustrating.

Olivia - posted on 02/10/2010

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Its always hard for us stay at home moms because we see first hand the effect it has on our children. It wouldnt be half as bad if our significant others were understanding and supportive, but when they arent you just want to give up. Voice your concerns and feelings, in a nice way because if you dont they get all defensive and turn it around on you, and see what he says. Maybe he is just too stressed or upset because he wants to be there and cant. I hope that things get better.

Maura - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hey Sarah, You haven't said what he does for a living. Something just doesn't make sense to me about all this, especially his working way longer than his boss. What reason (s) does he give for working so many hours?

Colleen - posted on 02/05/2010

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i know how you feel sarah, my husband works away from home 3/4 of the year and is gone for as many as 6 weeks at a time. when he is working at home he works 12+ hours and some times gets home at around 9 and leaves before 7 am. i also call him and ask him if he will be home for supper when my oldest bugs me to or when he calls if he knows how many weeks he'll be gone for this time and he gets frusterated with me asking and then we fight. its heart breaking hearing your kids ask for daddy and hes never there. it sounds like hes a great husband and dad when hes home and thats awesome maybe talk to him about a comprimise with his work. see if he can get a certain day off every week and make that your family day where you do nothing but spend time and do activities together as a family, or see if there is a way where he can be home earlier every night. mu husband and i comprimised that every sunday is family day and he can not work, and he comes home by usually 7 unless he absolutely can not and that seems to work for when he works around home.

the biggest thing is talk to him and voice your feelings calmly and see if you can come find some common ground that works for both of you before it gets to the point where you are both frusterated that even when hes home its tension

Sarah - posted on 02/05/2010

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Well, he is on salary... I have talked to him, and I have asked him to just send a text at 6 if he's not going to be home. Last night, he finally got home at 8pm... 13 hour work days?! That's nuts! Scarlett always RUNS for her dad when he walks in the door... I don't dump her on him... they give hugs, and she goes upstairs with him while he changes out of his suit... usually I am finishing up making dinner.

And yes, it has always been this way, but before we had our baby girl, I was just as busy... I was in school full time, worked a full time job and a part time job, plus I played college softball... so meeting up at 8, 9, 10pm was fine/normal for us. But now that I'm home all day, waiting to see him... We have this conversation at least 1-2 times a month, and I keep telling him that once baby #2 gets here, I'm gonna want him home even more... I just don't know what to do. I mean when he finally does come home, he's a very loving father and husband... he plays games with Scarlett, and they giggle and have a blast. Then when she goes to bed, him and I usually play a game of Scrabble or a Wii game or something and laugh and it's the best hour of my day... UGH

Carolee - posted on 02/04/2010

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The truth is, he probably doesn't. Try talking to his boss (secretly) and see what time he thinks is "appropriate" for your husband to leave work. Most jobs (especially now) have rules about how much overtime one person can have in a week. If he's salary, it makes no sense for him to work such hours unless he's trying to "build up" extra hours that he'll be able to take off later (if his boss has told him it's okay to do that). Talk to his boss, then talk to him. I hope it all turns out okay!

Sarah - posted on 02/04/2010

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oh, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second... we also live less than 5 minutes from his work. I have asked him to just come home and eat with us and go back to work if he has to... His boss has 3 kids at home, gets to work at 8am and leaves by 6pm every day. Why does Seth have to spend SOOO much time there. It breaks my heart when Scarlett asks for him constantly... crying again.

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