is it wrong to go against what my bf wants.... and being friends with his ex wife anyhow?

Stephanie - posted on 12/07/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My bf's ex wife is the kind of person who can love you one second and hate you the next from what i am told, he don't want me to be friends with her bc he says she is not a good person! is it wrong to try being friends with her anyhow bc ex husbands are just that ex husbands! HELP!

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Kelly - posted on 12/07/2009

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Unless they have kids together (in which case he and possibly you will have to have contact with her and might has well get along), I don't see why you would put a possible friendship with this woman ahead of your relationship with him. If it is too weird for him for the two of you to be friends, why not just let it go?

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Malissa - posted on 12/10/2009

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I think he could be looking out for you because he knows how she is, i think if you want to be friends with her watch your back for a while, ya know?

Kalah - posted on 12/10/2009

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well I tried to be friends with mines ex and it did not work because she was always trying to tell me how he liked stuff and how to do things sooo in my experience bad idea..

Miranda - posted on 12/08/2009

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Quoting Kelly:

Unless they have kids together (in which case he and possibly you will have to have contact with her and might has well get along), I don't see why you would put a possible friendship with this woman ahead of your relationship with him. If it is too weird for him for the two of you to be friends, why not just let it go?


 

Octavia - posted on 12/08/2009

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I did not read your other quotes... uuummm Id say be cautious. You may not wanna be her friend but just courdial.

Octavia - posted on 12/08/2009

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Ok, so my oldest son's dad tells all his women to not talk to me because I am apparently crazy.... It is funny that one of the women that he told this to now has a daughter by him and he is now telling other women the same things about her that he said about me. We talk regularly (I want my son to know his baby sis) and she always tells me that she is sorry that she believed any of it and that she should have found out for herself. I cant say to not believe him, but I will say that exs have a way of turning things to make themselves look good (not all but some). I am now good friends with a couple of the ladies that he has introduced to me. I think you have to judge it for yourself. Good luck.

Brandy - posted on 12/08/2009

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Do not add her to your facebook! If she is already causing your relationship havoc then she really will if you make her a friend on facebook because she will know too much info about you. You can be nice and caring to her and the child without making her a friend and cause you and your boyfriend deeper issues to deal with. Making someone close to you is an important step and in this situation it is extremely important to think with your mind instead of your heart! Why, because you must think about all her past actions because they are usually a good indicator of what will happen in the future. You do not want her to start telling him things about you that are not true,If she gets mad again and does not want to let him see his child. What if she gets mad at you then what will she do? I think this issue goes deeper than making her a friend. Why does he jump when she says to? Maybe you and your boyfriend can make an agreement that is good for the both of you like... you are each to let the other know what is happening with this woman(honest is key because she could do a number on you guys) and agreeing to be nice and caring but guarded with her and to make your relationship with each other most important because even though you see her often, you are choosing to live your lives together and you each should protect each other.

It seems to me when you choose to make someone a friend you shouldnt have to worry about them hurting you in the future! How could she possibly be a good friend if she is making your boyfriend life miserable by manipulating your family? In the future, the child will pay for not seeing the father, then what kind of mother is she?Not a good one. If I were you...I would NOT MAKE HER A FRIEND.Be nice but nothing more.
As far as the in law thing...I have 18 years experience with this issue. They dont like me because they like the ex-girlfriend and still invite her over to functions etc and there is no kid involved. Can you imagine the pain we had to deal with every time, it got unbearable at times. We ended up moving out of state in order to keep the peace with the family and saving our sanity! My husband had plenty of arguments with them over it. In the end, we have a strong relationship with 2 kids and my mother in law cant stand it but I have learned that you cant change people and you have to choose wisely who you invite into your life. Remember that it is your choice to have a happy, fulfilling life and people that hurt you dont have to continuing doing it.Stand strong!

Maya Angolou said, "you will not remember what people say, you will not remember what people did, but you will remember how people made you feel."
Many Blessings,
Brandy Dowen

Stephanie - posted on 12/08/2009

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She will never be out of our lives , we see her 4 to 6 times a week, plus she text him and calls him. He has told me and that she and i need to get along and i ahve to be nice to her and get along with her. but if something goes the wrong way for her or she gets mad about something then she plays the " you can't see your daughter ever agian" until what ever it is goes her way. Yes he has join custody by law but he still jumps every time she says jump! and it really is hurtting our relationship at times. but i feel like if i gotta e around her and deal with her then i am going to be friends with her, not best friends or telling her anything i don't want her or the wolrd to know but still friends.

Kelsey - posted on 12/08/2009

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I think he is mostly worried about her influencing you in a bad way. He probobly also wanted her to diasppear completely from his life which cant happen if your her friend. I understand your side but I dont think its fair to ignore his wishes. As much as its important to be a strong independant person, its also important to be faithful and respectful to your bf. Just put yourself in his shoes and act the way you would want him to. Im sure if he was friends with your ex husband and it bothered you for whatever reason you would be pretty pissed if he ignored your wishes and basically chose his friend over you. Its just kindof selfish in my opinion.

Jane - posted on 12/07/2009

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if it's going to cause issues in your relationship, then why push it? he doesn't want negative things in his life w/you that was his ex wife. that's a good thing. concentrate on nurturing the solid friendships you do have.

she sounds like a real peach from what you wrote. as does his family.



the cornerstone of any family is a strong marriage. his family is going to hate everyone he's with for no reason related to those people. i think you should be cordial w/her but i would let that develop naturally over time and forget the FB for now. get that ring on your finger and leave this on the side for now.

with the challenges of blending your families and his family's attitude, you need to concentrate on keeping your marriage strong. his feelings should come first and she sounds like she's just waiting in the grass for you two to flinch. she's his ex for a reason. keep that in mind.



i was married before, no kids w/him and it sickened me that he wanted to be friends with me. he was never very nice to me while we were married nor was he there for me during the marriage as a friend. so whey would i want to occupy my time with him any longer? consider your bf's side.

Brandi - posted on 12/07/2009

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well, does your bf have kids with this woman?? If so I would definitely try to make friends with her cuz you are both (all three of you actually) going to be raising them and wouldn't it be nice if the child(ren) could see everyone getting along and feel free to love all three of you without guilt??? If no kids, but you still really like her, then I imagine that who you want to be friends with is your business, not his. But that decision would really be up to you, but maybe it's a little insensitive to want to be friends with your bf's EX as he might be uncomfortable around her (do you still see or speak to any of your exes?). But if kids are involved, then he will have to get over that anyway. Sorry, I guess i wasn't very helpful after all

Kelly - posted on 12/07/2009

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For the sake of the child, you need to be decent to her, and hopefully she will be to you. However, I would not add her as a friend on FB. Just tell her that you don't think he would be comfortable with that. You don't have to hang out with her, or tell her things, to be polite to each other. Your loyalty should be to this man, if you ever hope to make a life with him. Just think, how would you feel if he spent time with people after you asked him not to? As for his family, just do the best you can to make a good life with him and with his child, as well as your own children. Eventually, if you stick with it, they will see you are a good person and they will come to accept you. They may be blaming you for things that are not your fault, but you can't change that right away. The way to show them that they are wrong about you is by being a good partner and mother, and treating them respectfully. You will wear them down eventually! Good luck, and be patient.

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If I were you I'd try and get along with her, but just remember what she has done, and that she may be trying to do it again. Plus for the sake of their child you should all try and get along.

Jessica - posted on 12/07/2009

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i think at the end of the day you are in a patnership with your bf and you should really support him, you being friends with her is probably quiet upsetting for him, as he obviously has bad memories and he trying to move on with his life with you but he cant let go of the past cos you want to be friends with the part of the life he would want to forget. Just my opinion.

Stephanie - posted on 12/07/2009

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Well He and her have a child together and they have join custody of the child. I ahve to see this woman manytimes through out the week. I have tried this whole being her friend thing before but it didn't work out bc she kept tring to brake us up. yet i am in love with him and we are planning on getting married with in the next few years. I know she wantted him back but it was mths ago when that happened and now she is wantting to add me on facebook and be all nice and i don't know if its wrong to just blow her off or to just to try and be a friend to her. its more then just her though.... when it comes down to it theres his family too! they HATE me! I have never done anything to them, however i know they hate me bc i have two children and they r not my bf's i had them long before he came along and they act asif they hate me bc i am not good enough. So i am just all around having problems with this drama. They hate'd his ex wife too and i feel they are judging me for what she has done and for what his other ex girlfriends had been like. i don't know what to do about any of it! HELP if u can!

Karima - posted on 12/07/2009

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i would say only if they had kids but that doesnt mean you have to be friends with her personally i wouldnt wanna be friends with anyone that was with my husband i would feel weird i guess

Melissa - posted on 12/07/2009

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it's a tough question to answer...i think i would say it could create conflict for you and your boyfriend. i think if you want to build a relationship with him you should respect his wishes so he will be able to trust you

Wendy - posted on 12/07/2009

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Are there kids involved? I am friends with my husbands ex. I have to be as he can not stand her still to this day. They have been seperated over 12 years now. He holds a grudgeLOL!! But in order to help raise his son someone has to be civil. Sometimes we have to learn our lessons for our selves. I would not risk my relationship over it but that is your decision. Just be careful.

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2009

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I am really good friends with one of my ex-husband's many girlfriends. I was still legally married to him, when they were having a relationship. But their relationship lasted only 6 weeks. Many people think I am crackers, but she is nice and we get on like a house on fire. It is him whom we have the problems with. I did tell her that he had plenty of issues. I am glad that she came to her senses quickly, unlike I did (7 years!). Seriously it is you who decides who your friends are, but it may cause problems with your relationship with your boyfriend. It can be a tricky situation in regards to exes, so best of luck with deciding what to do.

Jackie - posted on 12/07/2009

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I was friends with my husbans ex. Actually its how we met. Years later when our paths crossed again and she was marrying my husbands best friends brother he told me not to waste my time. I told him I had to make my own mistakes. He knew that was what had to happen. I haven't spoken to her in years and she did remind me why he left her and why I originally lost contact with her. But I learned my lesson the hard way...and he let me do it despite knowing better. Maybe you should explain that you need to see for yourself since no matter how flat you make a pancake... it has two sides *thanks Dr. Phil* lol

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