Is there anyone out there who lost their mother before they had children?

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2009 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My mom died when I was 19 long before I had children. Almost all the moms I talk to still has their mothers. I dont think you realize what your missing until you dont have it. Sometimes I get so depressed and tend to feel sorry for myself, because I want an older wiser mom to talk to and to give me advise.

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Becky - posted on 09/04/2009

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I lost my mom when I was 3 months pregnant.... she desired to have grandchildren so badly. We tried to have children for 2 years and went through a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my son who is now 7 weeks old. A month after I told my mom I was pregnant, we found out that her cancer had spread and she was only given only a few weeks to live. I was so happy that she knew that we were finally having a baby, but am now saddend at the fact that she won't have a chance to hold him, get to know him, and spoil him. I find myself missing the chance to talk to her and tell her all of the fun things my son is doing. I do have a supportive mother-in-law who has been wonderful through the last months, but it isn't the same. I feel sorry for my son because he won't have grandparents from my side of the family (my father also died when I was 17). It is a hard situation to be in, but I keep on reminding myself of how happy my parents would be for me and my husband. My heart is filled with joy when I look at my son, and although my mom isn't here to see him and have that same feeling, I take joy in knowing how much she would have loved him also. I try to focus on that joy every time I find myself feeling down. I also do think that having a great relationship with my husband's family has helped so much! I also keep in touch with some of my mom's friends... they have sent me gifts for my son and are almost like fill-in-grandparents!

Kim - posted on 09/04/2009

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Hi Michelle, Keep your chin up love. It's nice to know we not alone. I Lost my Mum coming up 2 years ago now and she was my best friend. When she passed it was hard enough but then to find out I was pregnant not long after she died and my due date was exactly her passing date only 12 months later and the chances of having her on my due date was a spin out. Anyway I had her on the day exactly 12 months later was a blessing in a way. It was like a little gift sent from heaven above. I know exactly how u feel not having your Mum around getting advice and some days are just harder than others. We must stay strong for our children. Just wanted to share that with you as its nice to know we not alone and it is so hard to see our friends with their Mums helping out and stuff but we have to find the strength to be strong and tell our children all about our wonderful Mums and the wonderful memories we have.

Jessica - posted on 09/03/2009

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i lost my mom before i had a child. i have a 3 month old and everyday i sooo wish she was here to see her granddaughter. and i have my days where i just am so depressed that i cant share this with her. all throughout my pregnancy i went through ups and downs about not being able to share it with my mom. she would have been an awesome grandma. same goes for my brother too. she was gone before he had his child, which was way before me. but what keeps me going is that i know how much she loved me and know how proud she would be. and i know she is watching over us, not sure what your beliefs are about that, but its what i believe.

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2009

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hi michelle, i lost my mum when i was 18. she never got to meet my partner who i met when i was 19 or obviously my two children who are 12 and seven. i often wonder what she would of thought of my choice in 'husband' and wonder what kind of relationship she would of had with my kids. i moved about 120 miles away from home shortly after mom died and set up home here so yhings like would she have come to visit us often, would my kids have gone to stay with her. imiss alot of things but sometimes the simplest things like meeting up 4 coffee,going to hairdressers together or even out to dinner are the hardest. but she was a good woman and i realize she brought me up well and i'm sure she would be very proud of me and "my lot".

Kirsty - posted on 09/03/2009

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I lost my mum & dad in my early 20's before I had children also, & my husband also lost his parents young so not only do I not have my family/inlaw support my daughter has no grandparents. It so very hard and there is so much in your childrens lives you want to share with them but sadly cant - friends are very important, it annoys me when friends complain about their parents/inlaws when they have no idea how it feels to have none, it can be very lonely sometimes.

Beth - posted on 09/02/2009

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I lost my mom when my oldest daughter was 13 months old and before my youngest was born. My mom was ill most of my daughters time with her and was also in and out of the hospital or was bed ridden at home. I found out I was pregnant with my youngest 2 weeks after she died. So I have always told myself that my mom sent me another lil angel. It was a very hard and difficult time but I try to keep her memory alive and tell my girls about her. Even though my daughter was only 13 months old she still remembers her and if you show her a picture she will tell you it is granny. It really breaks my heart that I dont get to share things with my mom and I still catch myself wanting to call her on the phone whenever they do something new. Now I turn to my mother-in-law for advice and I am very lucky to have a great mother in law who want to be involved with everything and is very helpful.

[deleted account]

I lost my mom when I was 29. At that time I had a 3 year old & a 8 month old. Now I have a 4.5 year old, a (nearly) 2 year old, & a 4 month old. I've also stopped working and have been a SAHM for about a year. It has been really hard to adjust to not having my mom around. She took care of my older 2 when they were babies, so I could go back to work. I feel bad that she will never see my 3 kids grow up & that she's never met my youngest. I spent a lot of my first 6 months as a SAHM feeling sorry for myself; missing the help my mom would have been to me & feeling very isolated from my friends who work. I've learned to ask more people for help - aunts, my grandma, ladies at church, friends, the moms of my close friends. I've started making friends with more moms; through preschool & such. These people certainly don't replace my mom & the advice I'd love to get from her, but it helps.

Karen - posted on 09/02/2009

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Hey there I am 33 and lost my mum when I was 20....she died of breast cancer. The thing is she left my brothers and I when we were very young I was 5. I only got back in touch when I was 12 and then she died a few years later....My nan brought me up and she passed on some invaluable skills and qualities I will hopefully use all the time I am bringing up my two. Its not nice to lose your mum when your young and I do miss that she will never meet them.....

Jodi - posted on 09/02/2009

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I lost my amazing mom last year, when I was six months pregnant with her first granddaughter. We were exceptionally close, and I will never be the same without her. I felt cheated that I did not get to share my soon to be mommy experiences with the best mother I ever knew. And I didn't get to call her for the little scary questions that never really get asked before the baby is born. I did a lot of reading, and online research when my daughter was born, because I didn't have my mom to teach me as I went along, and I'm sure the Healthlink link knew me by name.

Everyone says it gets easier.... I don't believe that. I do believe that it just gets more normal. I find that my strong belief that she is still with me in spirit, is what gets me through each day.

I will share with you something that a friend told me right after I lost my mom, that helped me tremendously, and I still think of it every single day.

I was still pregnant, and my mom had passed about a week before. I asked a friend, "how am I supposed to be a good mom, without mine here to guide me?" (now I'm crying again). And she said to me, " she taught you to be a good mother while she was here, and she will still whisper hints along the way."

I miss my mom more than I could ever describe to anyone, but each day when I see how much my beautiful daughter is turning out like her, and I catch glimpses of myself mothering the way my mom did, I know that she is still helping.

Tami - posted on 09/02/2009

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I am so sorry to hear that.
I still have my mom, but after children we have become closer. I do however know how it feels to loss someone. I have a brother and a sister that died in car crashes over 15 years ago.The sadness comes often and without warning, little things that make me remember all they have missed in my life. THey have never met my children, and my children have never met them. The more time passes,the harder it is in some ways. I do feel with you.
love and prayers
tami

Stacey - posted on 09/01/2009

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I lost my mom when I was 27. It was before I was married and my husband never even got to meet her. Now I really miss her and wish all three of my children had the opportunity to have her around. I know how much she would have loved my family. I miss having her around for advice and she was always so upbeat and patient. I am lucky to have a great mother-in-law and step mother-in-law.

Patty - posted on 09/01/2009

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Hi Michelle..I can imagine you must be VERY SAD over loosing your mother even if it was a long time ago I think that is something we never get over no matter how much time goes by. I lost my firstborn at 6 weeks old in 2005 & my mom died in August 2006 It has been so hard we now have Adrian & Alexis but I understand you I miss my mom TOO MUCH!!!! I am hereif you ever need to chat. I also need advice at times. Thanks for sharing. Please keep me updated.



sincerely

Patty

Jessica - posted on 09/01/2009

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I lost my mum when I was 17years old. And its so hard having a child and not having her around

Christina - posted on 09/01/2009

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Sorry to hear that. it is extremely hard. i lost my mom in 2007 and a month later i lost my grandmother. they were the 2 most important people in my life. it is very hard, something people don't understand unless they are in similar situations. i get jealous of people who have their mothers to help and mad at people who treat their mothers like crap. but what i did is now i am very close to my mom's best friend. they were friends pretty much their whole life, i've known her my whole life and now i can say she is my best friend (see each other a few times a week and talk everyday!) she can't replace my mother, but she is the older wiser mom i need to talk to plus she tells me a lot of the same things i'm sure my own mother would have said. i think something else that is helping me everyday is that i know my mother is here, my son was born 2 weeks early ON HER BIRTHDAY! she was telling me i'm still here. and even though my son won't meet his grandma, i have pictures of her all over in his room and tell him that's his grama and she loves him and lots of stories of her. it helps ya feel a little better. another thing that helps is to just make lots of mommy friends. even if they aren't older, you can most likely go to each other for advice! i wish you well and good luck! hang in there!

Hannah - posted on 09/01/2009

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I also lost my mother when I was 19. It was very unexpected and shocking. I miss her a lot, and wish she could see her granddaughter grow up (I named my daughter after my Mom). It's hard not to have her here, but I do the best I can, because that's all I can do.

Kimberly - posted on 09/01/2009

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I am sorry to hear about that and I know what it is like. I lost both my parents, my father when I was 10 and my mother when I was 18. I have learned to cope with it but while pregnant and after I had Jaxon it got hard. It is still very hard. Luckily I have my mother in law which took me in when I was 18.. We are very close but it is still not the same. I am now 21 and I get lonely a lot. My husband works at night and sleeps during the day I am able to stay at home with our son for now and am starting up my at home business with Arbonne. Try talking to people who have had children and can give good advise. Good luck and stay strong.

Marly F - posted on 09/01/2009

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im 20 and i lost my parents when i was 12,it is difficult not having the support of your parents especially when you see your friends kids with their grandparents,i have just learnt to get on with my life as best as i can,and when i had my little boy(now23 months) i was determined not to let my loss affect his life,being a single mom also doesnt make it any easier but,i have to stay strong for my little angel.

Krystal - posted on 08/24/2009

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I lost my mom when I was 6 years old and it really hit me when I had a daughter. I never learned how to do all those things that girls are supposed to do (makeup, painting fingernails-you know, the little stuff) I struggle with that, because I want my daughter to know how to do those things (among others of course) but I don't really do them myself. When I got married, my MIL kind of started to help me out, but she died this past month herself. So I understand your feelings. Sometimes I want the sage advice of a mother who has been through it and I don't have anyone, so I cry a little for myself and my kids and then inevitably move on. It is so hard, because (at least for me) I lost my mother 23 years ago-long enough to not really know or remember what I lost-but I grieve continuously for what my daughter and now 2 sons have lost because I didn't have that loving female influence...I guess we do what we can right? And just hope or pray that the rest works itself out.

Casey - posted on 08/21/2009

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Hi . Ilost my dad when i was nine and my mum on my 19th birthday.she died from complications (one in two million chance ) from radiation therapy and contracted ango platic anemia. My mum was my best friend. So for her i took on my sister and brother with the help of my then boyfriend and now husband. My daughter was born when i was 23 and i've never had a night away fro her, tho i know if mum was still here she would have had her all the time. I miss her everyday, and what i miss most of all is that she will never know my baby girl. I miss her advice, her hugs and her sense of humor. i miss being able to cry in her arms and laugh about things with her. She was an awesome lady my mum and i'm trying my best without her.

They Call Me Mom! - posted on 08/13/2009

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I lost my mother when I was 23. I was a foster mom and a step-mom...and I had lost my first baby (still birth) when I was 19. I took care of my mom when she had cancer and went through a bone marrow transplant.

I do miss her. My pregnancies are complicated and high risk from the jump. I knew I missed being able to talk with my mom and share these things. I miss the comfort of that relationship, and sometimes I am sad for my kids that they missed getting to know her. She would have loved them so very much.

It is hard at times. Just know she is always with you in spirit and looking down on all of you with love. It helps me sometimes...

Annie - posted on 08/12/2009

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I lost my mom when I was a kid but I think I miss her more for my daughter. I have a wonderful family and advice is always handy. My dad and I talk about how much my mom would've been in "Seventh Heaven" with my little girl and he loves it when I dress my baby up like I was dressed up like I was. I think what breaks my heart though is when I see my Aunt with my baby, it's a very real reminder that my baby doesn't have my mom around. However it's really driven me to be what my mom was to me. And not only that it's really made my dad and I even closer. It's about how you look at it I believe.

Bonnie - posted on 08/12/2009

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I still have my mother but I can possibly give you a perspective from the child’s point of view. My mother lost her mother when my sister was 2 and she was pregnant with me. To make matters worse she had custody of my cousins and when she told my grandmother on her death bed she was pregnant with me she told her she was stupid she was too young for 4 children. She was sick and just worried what was going to happen when she was gone. Because of those words she gave the boys up. And oddly enough my mother blamed me for the boys being given up and I even believe her mothers death. Now this story is different from yours but her depression was constant and always a part of our lives growing up. Everything always went back to “my mother died” and it made her children feel nothing they did made her happy. Try not to let your sadness be constant because the children take it as if they can not please you. My childhood memories are nothing more than my mother’s mother died. Those are my memories of my mother rather than something about who my mother is. Let your mother be good memories and stories even if they make you cry, let them know you cry because the memories make you happy. And make lots of memories with your children that have nothing to do with death. So they have stories about you. And remember if you loved your mom and had a good relationship you were blessed. There are many women without mothers for many reasons. Now it is your time to be strong and be mom. I am sure she is proud.

Sarah - posted on 08/12/2009

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I lost my mother when I was 11. I have found that I could find other women that filled parts of the need for a mother in my life. I found one at church and I have been fortunate to have married into a wonderful family. Maybe you have women in your life that could help you....

Rebecca - posted on 08/12/2009

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I lost my mom when my son was 9 months old and for most of his life she was very ill and spent a good deal of it in and out of hospital. She was able to give me some advice and help out a little but not nearly as much as if she had been well but I do miss her being around and seeing his progress now.

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