Judgemental mother in law

Becca - posted on 08/11/2013 ( 31 moms have responded )

19

6

1

Okay ladies I been a stay at home mom for since I was 5 months pregnant with my 3rd child she is now 14 months old I also have a 3 year old son who is home all day and a 6 year old who goes to school my thing is I feel like I clean all day to get nowhere with these two home and mother in law is always judging my house when she comes over I do the best I can with two Lil ones at home all day but she always complains any advice

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2013

5,041

8

3249

I saw a brilliant post on facebook the other day that went like this:
Dirty dishes prove I feed my family, full dustbins prove that I clean up after their mess, messy floors prove that I let my children have fun, piles of clean laundry proves that I keep my family in clean clothes, a wet bathroom floor proves that I bathe my children.
So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, remember that I'm a parent! If you come over to see me.....come on in, if you come over to see my house, make an appointment first!!

I thought it really summed up being a Mum of more than 1.

Angela - posted on 08/19/2013

12

0

0

Is she saying these things to you or your husband? First you need to remember you have the hardest and most important job there is. If she is saying these things in front of your husband he needs to step in and say something to her. Second why are you allowing her opinion to upset you. In reality who cares what she thinks. Since it is bothering you talk to your husband and y'all need to tell her the comments she is making hurt your feelings and ask her to stop but do it as a united front. If at that time the comments don't stop limit when she comes over. You have enough stress this is stress you can do with out. You need to feel strong in knowing you have a very hard job and if the house not being perfect is not effecting your marriage she needs to but out. Ill tell you that won't happen unless you tell her it is causing more stress for you. Not knowing more about her its hard to say why she does it but she may just be old school and not even consider it upsets you. Before this did y'all have a good relationship or has it just been one that for no better term is at arms length and is your husband a mommas boy. That always makes things harder but you defiantly want the two of you to speak to her either it stops or her visits stop and you see her at her home. Simple she can respect you or don't give her amo just go to her place and if she doesn't think she sees y'all enough bc of that then she will realize her comments can stay to herself.

Lisa - posted on 08/18/2013

148

68

1

I would say, "If you're offering to babysit, I'd love to have a clean house. Otherwise, the kids have to come first. That's my priority. If the house bothers you, you're welcome to come clean it, pay for a maid, or just not come over."

Been there, fellow mommy. This worked. I did have to say it more than once, & I tell her now when she's stepped over the line. Sometimes I just say, "Deal with it. Kids come first. Remember?"

Best of luck!! (Give her a book about boundaries for Mother's Day. *wink* Lol!!)

Kerri - posted on 08/18/2013

7

0

1

Becca, sometimes I think we all have issues with mother-in-laws. Mine was OCD with her own home - always cleaning with methylated spirits. Yet she had two kids who were always sick and asthmatic. Imagine what she thought of my place with four little ones under six!
Let your M-I-L judge because it's her issue, not yours. You can't change her attitude if she is determined to look for the negatives. As long as there aren't any dangerous objects around that the kids could hurt themselves on, a bit of dust is not going to kill them. In fact, some of the scientific literature is finding that not enough exposure to simple dirt and dust around the home when the kids are babies is making our kids more susceptible to allergies and illnesses when they are older.
So tell her it's better for the kids to build up their immune systems so they can survive the later years. Tell her to have a sense of humour too. That always helps! :)

Leigh - posted on 08/18/2013

4

9

0

As Humorist Erma Bombec said. Trying to clean house when your kids are little is like trying to shovel snow in a blizzard.

When I was a young mother with young kids my husband was and still is a truck driver. He would be gone for weeks at a time and I was home with 2 kids under 3. I adopted the love me/my kids, love my mess.

Will your kids remember how tidy the house was or how much their mom loved them and took time to play with them. Who cares what your mil thinks. If she doesn't like the condition of the house she has three options. Hire a cleaning lady for you. Come clean your house for you or invite you an the kids to visit her at her house. :)

31 Comments

View replies by

Karen - posted on 08/20/2013

22

141

2

Tell her to watch the kids one day so you can clean I only have 2 kids work full time & let the house go a little but like saying goes clean with kids around is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos

Paula - posted on 08/18/2013

34

0

0

Just take each day as it comes. I try and desginate certain days of the week for each particular big chore, like washing sheets, towels, vacuuming, etc. All the little jobs that happen each like tidying up I do when the kids are asleep or having quiet time. As a sahm to one child, I feel this routine allows free play for both of us and to not get caught up in trying to contain mess. I do get the odd judgement too, but hey, do they do what you do? It annoys me when anyone judges my mess, even if it is a tidy mess. But as long as it works for you, stay with it. Of course you can never keep a home perfectly clean and tidy with two or ore kids at home, all day and all week. But think of this, quality of time with kids over quality of housework. Maybe she is just jealous of the time you get to spend with your kids. Invite her over for a full day at your place for a visits, and just do what you normally do. That will show her exactly what happens in your home, everyday. Hopefully she would back off with the judgements and attitude. Good luck! Keep your head up!
As a single sahm with one child living with my parents, I get the odd judgement and attitude too. But I take each day as it comes and I try not to get the negative stuck in my head. That only leads to bad days and even messier head space, which something no sahm needs!

Lillian - posted on 08/18/2013

38

0

0

Well I think u need to tell her how u feel and that it is ur house and not hers
That's what I do with my mother in law

Rechelle - posted on 08/18/2013

3

0

0

I know how you feel my mother in law can to stay with us for 2 months when my little girl was 4 months. She wouldn,t do what I asked and always commented on everything I did. I finally stood up for myself and now she has backed of. Ask your husband to say something as well that helps.mothers don't like there sons to move on and have a life with out them.good luck you would be doing an amazing job you have 3 health happy kids so you are doing a really well.

Rivka - posted on 08/18/2013

28

0

4

Are all Mother in law's like that? I always thought that My Mom G-d rest her soul would never be like that because of her personality. When we were dating for 4 years, DH's Mother called my Mom and told her ' we might get grandchildren before the marriage' So my Mom told her ' I trust my daughter don't you trust your son?'.
My Mother in law, will always make one feel guilty. If the house is messy, If my DH cleans up. If I go to school, If I work or if I don't work. Always thinks that one child is getting more attention then the next. "stealing his thunder" .

Like the joke: Two women are drinking coffee together. How is your newly wed daughter one asks the other. Oh, just wonderful She is a queen. Her DH washes the floor does the laundry and cooks. How is your newlywed son? Oh, terrible just like a slave. He is working so hard, cooking, laundry and washing floors.

She refuses to bond with the younger children, thinking that they are 'snobs' without thinking that maybe they have a hard time expressing themselves because of a speech delay or that they don't know her because she does not come and visit enough.
She went out and bought my 11 year old new clothing because she felt I didn't dress him properly. She doesn't understand that he has the clothing that she prefers but can't stand wearing them and left it all at home- He's PDD. He didn't forget his underwear, he left it up to his older brother to bring enough for both of them and forgot about it or didn't want to bother with switching his underwear. Or that we warned him and our 9 year old they can't sleep in the nude and also not in underwear at their Grandparents house. They did.

My 13 year old wore his good shirt without taking a shower and didn't give me the shirt to be washed. The collar is black. So now My M in law thinks I don't know how to wash clothes. She complained to me that I shouldn't let My DH do the laundry. So I told her that she should be proud that her son helps his wife when she is swamped with work.
But running a preschool and nursery of 25-30 children and cooking, running the finances of DH's business, raising 8 children and going back to school is irresponsible of me because DH is working so hard.
The best advice is from my DH : wave and smile.
Always let her know you love her no matter what.
You'll get a compliment once in awhile. Like: ' Your children are so helpful and pleasant, How do you do it?' We always say a lot of love and rules with trust.
Modesty is very important to them. I tell my children it is important to feel comfortable and one must take in consideration the appropriate clothes for your environment. The choice is theirs. My Mother in law doesn't think it could work with other children, she says my kids are born good. My kids told her that if they don't do as told they get yelled at. For years they thought it was only me until they heard DH.
One compliment I wonder at: 'you've got a one in a million'
Now I could understand it as - you do not appreciate your husband enough - or take it literally that I have a great husband (even though, why do they need to tell me I already know). after a visit like that I get a lot less help around the house...

The Tips: Get a teenage girl to fold laundry and pick up toys. Or take the kids to the park and give you time to sort out the house. I put every toy in a categorized box. Rule is that before you take out another box one must clean up the first one. I keep one big box with an assortment of toys that are easy to pick up quickly if there is compony. Any box left out I warn them that if it does not get picked up they must not like playing with it and I make it 'disappear' for a week or until I see they make sure to clean up the other toys.
Use a song for clean up time and don't let your 6 year old get away with his choices and responsibilities in getting himself organised. Get him to chose how to organise his room with you so he will know where things belong and why.
Think positive and never blow up at Mother in law,( only at busybody divorced sister in law's that interfere and are bitter).
Once a week make it a major cleaning day. Then go out on a picnic and eat with disposables. Come home, story hour, bathes and to bed. You will get to wake up to a clean house.
Good luck

Kathy - posted on 08/18/2013

76

20

0

Tell that MIL if she came to look at your home she came for the wrong reasons and should stay home at look at her own home. Otherwise if she is coming to help you clean hand her the supplies and let her clean until her heart has all it desires. In the meantime go enjoy the 2 you have at home or prop your feet up and enjoy a glass of iced tea or lemonade.

User - posted on 08/18/2013

31

0

0

My advice as a stay at home mom for the past 5 years to my 3 children is this: you need to minimize stress because these years are gonna fly by us and we don't need to spend these years stressed out! We should enjoy our kids being little and worry less about the small stuff. Family (in laws or not) are always going to nit pick younger moms and dads decisions for various reasons. stick up for yourself and do it politely (theyre family for life!:)

Amanda - posted on 08/18/2013

3

1

1

oh I so understand what you are going thro:) Don't let her make you feel like crap its not ok. Give yourself credit your mother in law has NO clue what your day involves and has absolutely NO right to judge you. I just started pointing out things when I went over to her house, she got my point don't judge me when yours is not up to your own standards:) My MIL is adiagnosed with a mental probs and she freaked out during my first two kids home comings and it was so horrible that when we had my third I told my husband that not one person was welcome at our house when we brought him home:) It was perfect:) Hang in there and just keep your head about you and don't let her push your buttons again. And tell her if she don't like what she sees in your house than shes welcome to leave and not come back:) God bless

Jillian - posted on 08/18/2013

8

55

1

I'm guess I'm the lucky One I don't have a mother in law but if I did I would just ignore her and her judgement. Don't sweat the small stuff. Do what you're doing now just as always.if she doesn't understand that your house can't be perfect all the time with 3 small kids and maybe she should come over and clean for you or hire somebody to do it and she can pay for it out of pocket. Haha

Lisa - posted on 08/17/2013

113

19

21

My MIL, bless her soul, would roll her eyes heavenward and say things like, "Of course I only had one child and you have three, so you are MUCH too busy to keep house the way I used to."

Some days I would let it go just to keep the peace, but other days I wanted to push back. I usually compromised those two feelings with pointed, but sideways comments - always delivered with a smile.

"I want to be just like you when I grow up!"
"I can never hope to be as perfect as you are, darling!"
"Wait! Is this the story where you do all the laundry by hand in a blizzard, uphill both ways? I love that one!"
"I love you so much. You know just the right thing to say to make me feel better after a hard day."

If you want her to stop treating you like her employee, stop treating her like your manager. Think about what you would say if your girlfriend talked to you that way. You wouldn't start a fight, but you wouldn't just take it, either.

You are both adults. Push back a little and let her know you expect to be treated like one.

Sona - posted on 08/17/2013

6

0

1

as for your mother in law just ignore her in the most polite manner,if its easy let her give u a hand with the kids instead of complaining i sincerely know how u feel cos as i speak mine is in my house for a whole month being a professor she feels she knows it all so i play d fool for peace to reign and for less intrusion in my relationship wiv my mother cos in africa men don joke with their ,mothers as a stay home mum i want u to know Godconsiders ur chores to be important to the future than just about any other profession becos you are determining the quality of the next generation,martin luther said"what u do in ur house is worth as much as if u did it up to heaven for our lord.one day God will say welldone to the parents who cared for their children bathing them feeding them,cleaning up after them.you are the one who makes it a significant job plus ur doing it for the ones u love,my dear its a calling so put more value into it and make ur ears go on leave weneva d monster in law is around

Rachelle - posted on 08/17/2013

5

0

2

Happy mum, happy kids. One thing my grandmother told me when we had our son that it was now dh, me and the little man. Anyone else had to be invited in including grandparents! Best advice ever!

Charity_knox - posted on 08/16/2013

289

1

60

If she is so judgmental then say well then maybe you can come over and help since you are so good at cleaning or why don't you take the kids out while I get a few things done or I have better things than to stress over a less than perfect house. With kids it is a constant thing and she should understand that. If she is so worried then she can help out instead of saying negative comments.

Jona - posted on 08/15/2013

7

0

0

Tell her " Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy." My grandma used to say this all the time :).

Rhea - posted on 08/15/2013

19

0

1

your mother in law needs to mind her business.Let her talk, give her the kids for a few hours or even a day and then she would understand and shut up.

Chet - posted on 08/14/2013

2,093

0

587

Similar to how your mother in law is entitled to her opinion, you are completely entitled to not care what she thinks. Choose to not let it bother you... or ask her to help out when she comes over, or ask her to take the kids so you can get some things done, or if the house isn't as clean as you wish it was just agree with her.

Chet - posted on 08/14/2013

2,093

0

587

Cleaning a house while children are growing is like shovelling snow while it's still snowing.

Grace - posted on 08/14/2013

14

0

2

don't stress yourself you know what's best and comfortable for you, jus give her the kids one weekend messing her place, she will tell you and apologise to you.

Sarikadipnarine - posted on 08/13/2013

4

0

0

Girl rising children is hard work and she is coming over by your house so don't stress yourself out it will get better someday

Cyndi - posted on 08/12/2013

28

5

2

Check out flylady.com I have 3 kids close in age and it really helped me get thing done. Especially the daily emails :-)

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2013

5,041

8

3249

Really my answer to her would be: Take the kids so I can get on top of it and let me see what your place is like in a couple of hours.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms