Just a few, o'kay a lot of general questions on what people think about SaHM

Michelle - posted on 12/23/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I've been reading some of the conservations in the Communities sections and started thinking about a few things and wanted to know people's thoughts on stuff. O'kay it's a lot of questions. By the way, I don't mean to offend anyone. Everyone is unique in their situations and such. Obviously, I'm asking these questions for my own personal reasons.



One why do you think SaHM's feel so guilty for staying at home? Is it societal? Where we are only considered productive if we are making money. Do you not think you "work" to when you are a SaHm? Is it not the same thing if you were paying somebody to take care of your child?



When your spouse comes home does he do anything to help with the house and child/children? Or is it assumed since he was working outside the home he's done contributing to the family? When do you get off "work"?



If your spouse is working two or more jobs, why did you guys make the choice of him doing all the working outside the home? Is it again a societal thing where the man is the "bread winner" or is he kind of nervous/scared/whatever of being in charge of taking care the children and would rather be working outside the home? Or it's just easier?



Why is it assumed if you are a SaHM that you are in charge of the home and children meaning you do everything from cooking to whatever? Did you stay home to take care of the children? I guess what I'm trying to get at is when do you have time to "clean" the house and everything, besides the picking up after kids? Do you stay home all day in the house or do you go out and do activities? For instance, playing outside, parks, nature stuff, playdates, and other activities.



Also, for the moms with school age kids or about to be school age kids. Do you work full time? If you do is it a career type job or just a job? Do you work part-time? Do you volunteer? If you volunteer, is it with the hopes of it leading into a paying position of some sort?



Do you work from home? If you do how do you manage work and your children?



Any other thoughts?



I appreciate the time and thoughts you put in answering any of the questions. Again don't be offended. I'm not implying anything. I'm just very curious and have my own reasons for wondering.

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Debi - posted on 12/26/2009

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Being a SaHM is one of the hardest jobs on the planet! I don't see any reason for anyone to feel guilty for being there, teaching and nurturing their children through the most impressionable ages of their lives! My husband and I agreed before we ever had children that my staying home was essential to their wellbeing. It has been proven that children with SaHM's do better in school than "latchkey" kids do. If the parents are both working full time then the children just aren't getting the support they need. Schoolrooms usually have 30+ kids per teacher. There is no way that every child is going to have their intellectual needs met in a scenario like that unless they have a LOT of suppport at home! Just one womans opinion though. I know a lot of women feel differently...

Melaina - posted on 12/23/2009

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I can answer a few of those, as they apply to me personally, but I think it must be different for all moms. I only occasionally feel guilty for being a SaHM and relying on my husband to be our "breadwinner". I think I just see how hard he works and feel like maybe I'm not contributing enough, but I know that, in reality, I am.



I do probably 90% of the housework in our home, because I feel that as a SaHM that it is my job to be responsible for our children and our home. Plus, to be honest, my husband is just terrible at doing house work properly! lol. But when he gets home from work he immediately steps in to help care for our toddler, especially now that I am pregnant again. We do supper, bathtime, a general tidy-up time, and bedtime together, meaning both of our days "end" around 8 when our son goes to bed. I may still do a little more tidying after he goes to bed, but generally we both take the evenings to just sit and relax. That being said, I don't just spend all day trying to keep up with the housework. It's more important to me to spend the time with my son that he needs than to vacuum on a daily basis. When the weather is nice enough we spent time outside either just in the yard, or at the park, or with friends. If its too cold and miserable we spend our afternoons inside with a variety of creative and fun activities (colouring, play-dough, toys, etc.).



We chose for me to be a SaHM because we wanted our children to be raised at home, rather than at a day-care, and we are fortunate enough to be able to afford that choice. Plus, the cost of child-care would make it barely beneficial for me to work, especially with a second child on the way. I do plan on going back to work in a few years when our kids are in school, at least part time.

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Michelle - posted on 12/30/2009

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Thanks for all your comments. It's nice to read how other SaHM's think about issues and deal with them. I feel more upbeat now reading more positive outlooks about SaHM's.

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2009

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There's a couple of things I would like to add about difference that I personally see in working moms vs SAHM's. I am not out to offend anyone, but this is MY experience with peers in my little corner of the world. Where I live, there is a pretty even balance between working moms and SAHM's but there is a huge difference between the two! One big thing I notice is how social the mothers are. I hardly ever go out with friends anymore, my family is my life now and it's not that I never see my friends, it's that I see them for little bits of time to chat. A lot of working moms here go out A LOT, and I don't mean just out drinking to bars, out in general without their children! I don't even have a babysitter! Also, a lot more fo the working moms smoke in my town than SAHM do and breastfeeding is nearly twice as prevalent in SAHM's than working moms. I don't know what all that means, if it even means anything at all, or if it just shows different personalities. But, they are differences I see

That being said, I would like to add that I intend on homeschooling my daughter (and future children) up until 5th or 6th grade, so it will be many years before I get a job! Also, working in daycare definately affected my decision and my husbands decision for me to be a SAHM, which has been the single best decision I have ever made for myself! Thanks for asking and letting me share! BTW, can I ask what your personal reasons are? Just out of curiosity.

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2009

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I do not feel guilty at all being a SAHM (not saying I never did, but I quickly got over that!) The way I see it, I am daycare provider, teacher, nutritionist, doctor, counselor, you name it, I wear the hat! I also take my job (of being a SAHM just to be clear, I do not work from home) very seriously. I make sure my daughter eats well balanced meals, that we read a lot, that we have lots of educational play and such...and it shows. My 9 month old can point to her eyes, nose and belly button when asked, her words include, up, hi, bye, dad, mom, book, cup and moo. She can sign eat, drink, more, thank you, no touch and love. She is walking, not creeping or cruising along furniture, walking. She uses a spoon, VERY messily, but she has the concept, just lacks finesse. I did daycare and I can tell you she is ahead, but I don't think she's some super baby, I worked very hard to teach her all these things. If that doesn't prove my worth then I dont' know what does!
My husband goes to college by day and works by night. We decided long before we were ready to kids that I would stay home with them. My mom stayed home with me and we are really close and have so many great memories! If it were ever needed I would find a source of income, but it basically boiled down to, this is what I wanted to do and he agreed. If he had wanted to stay home with her we would probably both have part time jobs and switch baby duty! Also, my brother-in-law was a stay at home dad and did excellent with his kids.
I do consider myself in charge of the home, that being said, if I'm the boss I'm great at delegating duties! I let my husband know what I need him to do for me, be it laundry being folded, lawn mowed, carpet vacuumed or whatever. We're a team, I understand he's tired when he gets home, and he understand I'm tired when he gets home! So when we're home together, we tag team everything from bills, to chores to baby! And yes, I take my daughter to a weekly playgroup, we take many walks and frequent the park that is only a few blocks away. I also visit my parents with her once a week and my husband and I try to go out and do something as a family as often as possible.

As for other thoughts, there is such a stigma that SAHM's sit at home watching soap operas and eating bon bons. SO not true! In fact, I had so little time for any TV that we plain out got rid of it! We work REALLY hard to take excellent care of our kids, keep the house in shape, provide nutritious meals for our families and in general, keep our families number one priority and at times, take ourselves off of the priority list completely.

Here are a few stats I have come across about SAHM's, don't quote me, but this is how I recollect them.

The average person working outside of the home spends 10 hours a week on household chores. The average SAHM spends 40+ hours on household chores, this does not include childcare!

Also, it has been estimated that the average SAHM is worth an annual salary of $160,000, I think that speaks for itself!

Also, children of SAHM's are in general more well adjusted and independant than daycare children and are not behind socially as is often thought.

Christy - posted on 12/27/2009

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i do think that it's a societal issue, or at least it is in my case. my boyfriend's mother is constantly making not-so-subtle remarks about us being able to afford more things if i would go back to work. i just take that opportunity to remind her how advanced my daughter is compared to the other children in the family. my daughter is 17 months old and is potty trained during the day (which saves money on diapers, i might add), she only drinks out of regular cups, she can put her own toys away and many, many more things that most toddlers can't (or won't) do. plus, my boyfriend and i came to this decision together so i personally don't feel guilty about staying home with our daughter no matter what his mother says. i definitely think that being a SAHM is a lot of work and people that have never done it will never understand the pressure and responsibility that goes along with it.



i would never make Travis work 2 or more jobs, we would just make our budget tighter and cut out luxuries like cable if we needed to.



i think it's right to assume that SAHMs are in charge of the home and children. it is our "job" and our domain and we should be the ones responsible for it. my boyfriend really does help out quite a bit, although not without me asking him to do something first. i think he just assumes that i'm going to get to whatever it is eventually and that if i do need his help, i'll ask for it. i don't think that's because he doesn't want to help out though, just because since he's not home all day with the baby like i am he doesn't really know her schedule. it is hard to get all the housework done and sometimes it doesn't get done as quickly as i would like but i do have my mother watch my daughter 1 day a week so whatever needs done can be done that day. that day is also my "time off" so i try not to let too many chores pile up. we only have 1 car at the moment so we have to wait until Travis's days off to do grocery shopping and things like that. plus it's winter here so i don't really like to take Alexia out any more than necessary.



i do plan to go back to work at least part time when my daughter starts school, although we are not planning to send her to any kind of preschool or head start since i am of the opinion that a mother should be their child's first teacher. i work with her on a constant basis and am always having people (including complete strangers) tell me how advanced my little girl is.



i think some moms take advantage of being a SAHM and they are the ones who give the rest a bad reputation in the eyes of generalized society. they are the ones who sit around all day talking on the phone with only the tv to entertain their children and let their homes turn into pig sties while their husbands work for a living. if you're teaching and spending time with your child and doing the housework on a consistent basis then i think that is the best place for a mother to be, providing of course that the family can afford it.

Nicole - posted on 12/27/2009

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I've never felt guilty about being a SAHM. The only time I felt a little bad about it was when I was catching up with old friends from high school and they all had degrees and careers but no kids. But then I thought: If I go to school now while I'm home with the kids, I'll be ready to go back to work with a fresh degree when they're ready to go to school, and my friends will be just starting their kids. It's much easier to start a career at 35 than a family.

My husband is useless around the house, lol! He'll make me tea or do the dishes if I ask, but otherwise he doesn't do anything. He'll watch our son so I can get stuff done, but that's about it. And that's fine, because it gives them some father-son time and gives me a break!

My husband only works one job, but he's in the military and there are a lot of SAHMs. That's kind of the norm here.

I guess it's assumed you're in charge of everything because you're home all day. Which I can agree with. Taking care of the kids and the home is my "job". It would be easier to keep up with the cleaning if there wasn't someone home all day to keep making messes though! And we go out almost everyday, I can't stand to be stuck inside. We live in an apartment that is getting increasingly cramped so I have to get out. I try to plan an "outing" for everyday: the grocery store, Wal-Mart, the park, the museum, anything to get out of the house!

My son is one, so he won't be going to school anytime soon, but when he does (and his younger sibling(s) do(es), I will go back to work. I want to get a job as a preschool or kindergarten teacher so I'll have the same hours as them. So I plan on working on my degree while I'm home so I'll be done with it by the time they're ready to go to school. As for volunteering, I would love to, but don't know what I could do with my son. Maybe when he gets a little older we'll go visit a nursing home or something like that.

I do not work from home. The whole point of quitting my job was so I could focus on my son! If I worked from home it would be almost the same thing as going back to work.

Other thoughts: I don't know how working moms spend time with their kids! There's nothing wrong with working, I just think it takes away of lot of time from your kids. I worked at a daycare before I had my son and there were some kids there that were there all day, from like 7-6. I don't know what kind of schedule they're on, but if it's anything like my son, it's dinner at 6, bath at 7:30, and bedtime at 8. 2 hours is not a lot of time to spend together, especially if you have more than one kid! I also don't know how they afford it. The daycare I worked at was $210 a week for babies, and even with a discount I still would've barely made enough to cover it (I worked part time). Why work just to pay someone else to raise your kids?

Thanks for this post, I was wondering a lot of the same things myself!

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after a while it is fitting to own up and do the best possible. there's nothing better than having peace of mind. at days' end when parents are having a rough day, the kids in part are affected.when guilt steps in to place, weighing options has to be present otherwise, guilt and a host of other negative will take precedence. leading to frustration, and even divorce. Say, assuming, take the bitter with the sweet. Kids won't be babies forever. what will be imparted in their minds when older , when the going got tough this is what has been learned how to deal with. Now where is the guilt truthfully?.
SAHM is a hard job, like any other nursing, lawyers or city worker. however it can be simplified. takes learning,steps and support.every one will have their own opinions, it all comes down to what makes an individual happy. life is simply too short to have regrets, or wish we should have, could have. today may be promised to us, the next second we could be gone just like that. linkin park son " if today was your last, yesterday will be too late". right?

Carolee - posted on 12/26/2009

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One why do you think SaHM's feel so guilty for staying at home? Is it societal? Where we are only considered productive if we are making money. Do you not think you "work" to when you are a SaHm? Is it not the same thing if you were paying somebody to take care of your child?



Some stay at home moms feel guilty because society (and some men that we know) tell us that if we are not bringing in a paycheck, we aren't contributing to society.  The truth is, we DO work and contribute quite a bit to society.  We are those who raise the future.  We simply do the child-rearing ourselves instead of having to pay someone else to do it while we work at a different type of job.




When your spouse comes home does he do anything to help with the house and child/children? Or is it assumed since he was working outside the home he's done contributing to the family? When do you get off "work"?



My fiance helps with the house AND our son.  I'm currently pregnant (with extreme nausia), and can't do as much as I used to, and he understands.  He knows that I work just as hard or harder than him.  I get to take (usually) one day a week for myself.




If your spouse is working two or more jobs, why did you guys make the choice of him doing all the working outside the home? Is it again a societal thing where the man is the "bread winner" or is he kind of nervous/scared/whatever of being in charge of taking care the children and would rather be working outside the home? Or it's just easier?



Sorry... I can't answer this one.  He only has one job.




Why is it assumed if you are a SaHM that you are in charge of the home and children meaning you do everything from cooking to whatever? Did you stay home to take care of the children? I guess what I'm trying to get at is when do you have time to "clean" the house and everything, besides the picking up after kids? Do you stay home all day in the house or do you go out and do activities? For instance, playing outside, parks, nature stuff, playdates, and other activities.



It's generally assumed that the parent who stays at home will do the majority of the housework because they are there, and can usually "clean as they go".  It's the people that take that idea too far, and DEMAND that the sahm do everything that give the situation a bad name.  I usually stay at home most of the time, although there are a few times when my son and I will go out shopping or whatnot.




Also, for the moms with school age kids or about to be school age kids. Do you work full time? If you do is it a career type job or just a job? Do you work part-time? Do you volunteer? If you volunteer, is it with the hopes of it leading into a paying position of some sort?



While my son isn't near school-age yet, I do think of volunteering often.  I just can't decide what I would like to do.  The one thing that makes me happiest is staying home with my son, so I don't know what I could do that would include him and be fulfilling to me on a personal level.




Do you work from home? If you do how do you manage work and your children?



I don't work at home, but I do think of ways to save time and money.




Any other thoughts?



Being a sahm is a tough road to follow.  There will always be those who think less of you for not having a "career".  I've never been able to succeed in the corporate world, but this is the one thing that I know I'm doing right.  This is the one job that doesn't descriminate at all (I know plenty of sahd's).  It doesn't matter what level of school you've completed, race, height, weight, religeon, sexual preference, ammount/placement of piercings/tattoos, age, whether you are a biological parent or adoptive... anything.  The only requirement (really) is that you can provide at least the basics of necessity, and love.




I appreciate the time and thoughts you put in answering any of the questions. Again don't be offended. I'm not implying anything. I'm just very curious and have my own reasons for wondering.



I hope my opinions helped in some way.


 

Renae - posted on 12/25/2009

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1. I have never felt guilty for staying home. My husband has that old fashioned belief that kids should have a full time mum. Now that I am a mum, I couldn't imagine leaving my baby with anyone else all the time. I am right where I feel I should be doing the most important job in the world. I can earn good money if I work full time and could hire a nanny, but our son is more important than money.

2. My spouse doesn't do a single thing. BUT - that was our agreement. I wanted a child way more than he did and we agreed that I would take on the bulk of the work. Some people think our arrangement is wrong, but I knew things would be this way and I made this choice knowing exactly what to expect and what I was in for. Really, it doesn't bother me. My husband doesn't change nappies, bath, dress or feed our baby, but he spends time playing with him and baby absolutely loves his daddy he gets so excited when he comes home from work and dad is so happy to see him to after being apart all day. That is what is important. When I see them spending time together I dont care if he never changes a nappy in his whole life. Yes I work 24 hours a day and never get a day off, blah blah blah. But my husband works 10 hour days. Lets be honest here, SAHM isn't exactly difficult (sorry I dont mean to offend anyone), in my paid job before this I had far more responsibility and stress and my brain was constantly on the go, my at home job now is really a walk in the park, except that it never stops, but that's ok, he wont be a baby/child forever, its a short number of years out of my whole life.

3. If my husband could not support us working his usual full time job, he would never have agreed to have a child and I never would have expected him to have to work more than usual. There is absolutely no way my husband (and a lot of men I know) would take care of the children and family home to the same standard as I do. I never even considered leaving him in charge of the home! I know 2 families where the dad is the one at home and they do not clean their houses properly, they don't do any educational activities with their children, they aren't involved in any community activities, they are just not organised or motivated enough, they don't seem to know what is important. I do not believe they do as good a job as I do. Maybe some men do, just not the ones I know.

4. I always did everything. My husband is lazy at home, I knew that when I married him. We have been together 10 years and married for 3, you can't change a man. My husband is how he is, he would be happy to live in mess, that's just how we are. So yes I do everything now just like I did before. It is difficult to get everything done (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) but I think what I had to learn is that before I used to spend one day of the weekend cleaning all day and the other running errands, grocery shopping and cooking. But with a baby you can't spend 8 straight hours cleaning, I had to learn to do it in bits and pieces, 20 minutes here and there. I also had to learn that if I only have 20 minutes to clean the bathroom, its ok to just do a quick clean so it looks nice rather than wait until I have an hour to scrub it spotless. So I clean some sections properly and others just quickly go over, then the next time I swap and do the other sections properly. You also have to clean every day. Whether its a task a day or a room a day, however you do it you just can't do it all at once.

I have other activities. I love doing all the mum and baby stuff. Most weeks I have something on every day. We do baby gym, play group and baby swimming. Plus we might have a play date, or errands to run, shopping to do. I don't know how people say they sit around the house all day bored. I don't have time to be bored! I guess I treat being a SAHM like its a job, I plan our activities, housework and cooking just like I would schedule my time if I was at work. Being a SAHM is my job now, so I treat it like one.

When our baby goes to school I intend to resume full time work. At that time I will hire a cleaner (I enjoy cooking so I will probably continue cooking) as I want to spend my time after work and on weekends with our son. One of the reasons I chose my career is that it has flexible working hours and pays well.

Lots of people will disagree with a lot of what I have said. But its my life and I am loving my life right now. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. You need to know what will make you happy, what's important to you and where you can compromise with your partner; and make choices that will make you both happy.

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Guilt- definately there was a time when it out right consumed me, my circle at the tiem involved in wasno support either. it was always my being lucky to be at home, oh i am right etc.For me the guilt in part took its onset as i knew how hard my husband had to work, it was a sacrific for him to beaway most of the tiem inorder to earn . What made it worse what he worked stretch to cater to 4 house holds, with that said there was the issue of priorities.

helpful spouse- aww1 what's that. my husband works , works works. have been told he will not work all day and come home to do house work. i do the house work alone. On rare occassion he'd do the dishes. most part he comes in and in no time he's asleep. Now with his travelling over seas for the past three years am liek a single mom even more than before. it is frustrating

There was no choice to stay at home- it happened. i was tired from working full time to come homemake dinner, pick up after kids, get them showered etc etc. I quit and stayed home. got very miserable over time. felt and still do as though this is it.

i take my kids to the park, movies etc. Most times it is a challenge to be out with them, my son has ADHD that speaks for itself. Do i have "me" time i guess, i find tiem to be on the web.in between laundry loads, nap time i structure myself, to get a little web tiem if that is all to be hard.being a mom is no song and dance for every one.

Myra - posted on 12/24/2009

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I think a lot of SAHMs feel guilty because we are always having to explain our decision...to working moms, family, the child's dad, etc. And, yes, I think much of it is because of society...many other women even look at us as barberic or women that are not free. I don't know about every other SAHM, but I work 3X as long and hard than I ever did when I had a job that paid me a check, so in my opinion, yes, SAHMs work.

When my husband came home from work (before his job closed down), he spent time with our daughter, but he played with her...it helped me get stuff done, though, so I definitely consider it help. Now that he's still looking for work and I'm 33 weeks pregnant, he has actually taken on much of the household duties becauase I have been having lots of problems with pain this time. He does have a new-found understanding that many men don't have. He now understands that it is a 24/7 job, and I get lots of help. I never get a whole day off "work", but any time I need a little while to myself, all I have to do is tell him, and he takes over everything. My husband hasn't worked more than one job at a time except for a short time, and we made the decision because we both felt it was better for our daughter if she didn't go into daycare at all...afterall, no one will care for her the way either of us do, and less to do with him being the breadwinner.

As far as our house goes, when my husband was working, and when he goes back to work (soon, I hope!) we divided the household that way for a few reasons...first, I came into the relationship knowing how to do all of those things around the house, including small repairs. Second, There are things he does take care of, but they aren't the day-to-day management of the home. Third, because I am the one here, and it drives me crazy to work around what someone else does (like put things in a different place), it just makes more sense for me to do everything. As much as I appriciate the help my husband has done since he hasn't been working, I cannot keep up with anything because he has other places he puts things, I have to rewash dishes and clothes, and stuff like that because it just isn't "right". Yes, I stay at home to take care of our daughter, and that is the first priority, but I keep a clean home because I can't stand it to be messy. I personally, don't go out much by my own choice. I typically go to the grocery store once a week and that's about it. Being a SAHM isn't the reason, though...I just don't feel a need to go out much more than that. In nice weather, we would go out in the yard, or to a park or something, but it isn't a scheduled activity...my husband does the same thing with our daughter, too, (we both enjoy being outside) and we do that together some, too. I've never done a playgroup or playdate, and have no intention of doing either in the future.

My daughter isn't school-age, so I can't answer those questions. I do volunteer some when I have time...have for many years. I "work" when I want on music, art, and poetry. That has never been about money, though, and, in all honesty, I haven't done much of my own stuff in about a year. I help other musicians that live in my area with production in my spare time. However, I care so little about money, I do it usually for free, and only when time permits me to. Managing my "work" and daughter is easy because I only work on stuff when she's asleep.

Being a SAHM is the most rewarding thing I've ever done...also the most demanding. It isn't for everyone. You definitely either need a rich man, a big bank account, or a lack of desire for money. Even then, you need something that is just for you.

Ruth - posted on 12/24/2009

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I enjoy being a SAHM. I don't feel guilty about it, but I am a daughter of a SAHM, and my mother-in-law stayed home too. I worked though my pregnancy (I only have one child), but stopped after she was born. One of things I like about being at home is not only that I get to spend a lot of time with my child, but we can live more thriftily. I can hunt for deals at grocery stores, keep a small garden in pots, mend or make our clothes, make our meals from scratch, and do some canning and preserving when fruits and vegetables are in season. It's a fairly old-fashioned way of living, but in doing what we've done, we have no student loans, and while we're poor, we're fairly happy with what we have.
Basically, with our family backgrounds and interests, we've decided that this is the best for us. When our children are older and grown, I'd like to go back to school and get a master's. Until then, we're happy how we are.

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I don't feel guilty at all about being a SAHM. It honestly confuses me when people do. For us, it's easier for me to stay at home. I'm a full time student as well (I go to school online, so I work on homework during nap and after DH gets home), so being that I don't have a degree I wouldn't be able to get a great job anyway. We feel like if I were to work, we'd have to pay most of that money back out for day care, and what's the point? We don't need that extra 50$ a week that we'd end up ahead.

When DH is home, everything is 50/50. He helps clean, he helps with Xiao, and most nights we cook dinner together. There really isn't anything specific that I do and he doesn't... I get what I can done during the day when he's at work, and the rest gets done when it gets done. We do a lot of cleaning after Xiao goes to bed.

My DH is in the Army, and he actually joined so he would be able to support and so we could start our family. He makes enough money so I'm able to SAH, and our housing is taken care of. If I had to work I would, but we're just not in that situation. He was deployed from Jan to Sept of this year, so that entire time it was allllllll me lol. He knows that being a SAHM is work, and he understands how hard I work.

I do go to school online, and now that Xiao's on a regular nap schedule, I'm able to get a lot of my homework done while he's asleep. If I have a lot to do though, I work on it after DH gets home or after Xiao's in bed. DH is also a full time student (online as well), so a lot of nights well be sitting next to each other on the computers just working on homework lol.

I think sometimes I feel like I want to work, not because of guilt but because I'm a total workaholic haha, but I know that it's better for our situation and our son for me to stay home.

Adria - posted on 12/24/2009

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I think being a SAHM is very challenging in a good way. I feel a sense of accomplishment if I was/am able to stick to my entire schedule for the day... It makes me feel connected in a way that I can't explain. I have an autistic son, a almost 3 year old daughter, my husband has epilepsy and I am trying to do Marykay.



I get up every morning and go downstairs to make my breakfast, then I come upstairs and sit my seven year old on the potty (not completely potty trained so...) then while he sits there I wash my face with my MK products (which has cleared up my face and makes me feel better about how I look) then I get him dressed and ready for school. My husband gets our daughter ready for preschool cause she is easier. Then its 45 minutes of dropping everyone off. I head off to the gym because I am 80lbs overweight workout, go home, do a quick house chore, have some quiet time with my maker, put up a load of laundry and then pick up my daughter... all of that by 12:00... Now I am adding in making breakfast for the family. So the school will fead my children what I make them at home... I want ALL their meals to be nutritious. I will never be perfect but the closer I get to it the more complete I feel. Anyone interested in the second phase of my day? LOL!

Sarah - posted on 12/23/2009

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I am a work at home mom. I work for an adoption agency from my home and when my son was 3 yrs old I also started doing day care from my home. Balancing work and home is hard and always changing. Both my kids are in school now so that has helped to keep work and home seperated a little bit, but becomes hard when they get home and we are needing to do homework. I think you just do the best you can. Sometimes it works well and other times you feel like you are failing. It helps when you can get into a routine. My husband helps out also where ever needed. We work very much like a team. There are certain "jobs" that are just my jobs or his jobs, but where the kids are concerned it is whoever can do it. I think you can always feel guilt. If you are not working then there is the guilt that you are not helping out financially. If you are working then there is the guilt that you can't be involved in all the things you may want to with your children. There are times that I wish I was just a SAHM and could volunteer at school more like I would want to. There are always going to be pros and cons on each side and each side of the fence is going to look greener at different times.

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There is a theory that you feel guilty because you dont enjoy or do your job well. If you felt that you had the most amazing job in the world, then you would have the most amazing job in the world. Now my own experience is that I felt for years that I was not appericated by my family including my children, and as I grew I have learned that the disapperication was coming mostly from me and my children project what they see me do. I mean think about it this way, its not a job its a purpose. There are many people that stay home full time, and yes some are weathly, but they dont care about a job its bigger than just a job. And if you always look at it as only a job you will never be happy with what you are doing, as with ALL employees. Embrase your children, grow their minds, and most importantly have educational fun. You are their hero and give your "purpose" another shot. If you are the "Best Mom" in the world I guess my advice would be prove it.

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Glad you asked.

1. Feeling guilty - Yes, it is a societal thing. I've been told I'm too smart to stay home and I have a masters degree and its a waste to stay home and we could have a bigger house, newer car if I worked. I did feel guilty, like I wasn't contributing. My husband is wonderful and told me that taking care of our child is the most important way I could spend my time. I'm lucky to have such a supportive husband.

2. Husband helping - My husband helps. I do most of the inside housework and he takes care of the yard. I guess that's typical. He actually loves to cook so I get help there every so often. And he loves spending time with our daughter so he stays home with her when I go for my monthly girls night and sometimes when I grocery shop and go do parties for my in home business. I get off work after dinner and the dishes are washed and the baby is asleep. My husband and I watch tv or do another thing. =)

3. Husbands job - Just one job. He is a nurse. He works nights so he can make more money.

4. In charge of home - I try to make ONE goal for each day. For example: vacuum, clean bathrooms, laundry. And I love to get out of the house. We go to library programs and music class for toddlers.

5. Working full time - I will probably go back to teaching when I'm done having kids and they are all school age.

6. Work from home - Yes, I have a home based business through a direct sales company. I work at it while my daughter is napping. I do parties about one night a week and my husband watches her then. My daughter comes first. I told my husband when I first started that if the business ever became a hassle or our family life was suffering I was going to quit. We chose for me to do this after my husband lost his job and we were without income for two months. We dipped way into our savings so this job is to help repay our savings. So far, I love it. As of right now, I plan to stay with it for a while. But like I said, my family comes first.

Jenn - posted on 12/23/2009

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I can answer some of them from my own experience. I stayed at home because I want to raise my children, to see their firsts, to mold them into good people, and even though at times I feel like a bad parent for letting them down or being too tough I can say that my children are wonderful kids! They have manners, clean up after themselves (yes, even the 2yo), are very smart, play well with others, they are fantastic!



My husband isn't as confident in his parenting skills as I am in mine, so he feels more comfortable with my staying at home. We have each had our turn at being the one who brings home the most money, and although he likes to be the one who makes more he wasn't really bothered by the times that I did. I had worked full time for years between my kids and it was hard for me to quit working again, but at the same time, it was a no-brainer. I knew I was going to miss working and the perks that come with it, but I knew that my baby was only going to be a baby for so long and I tried to keep working but found my heart wasn't in it anymore, I needed to be home with my baby.



Yes, SaHM's have the hardest jobs. They are the most stressful jobs, often much more physically taxing than the husband's jobs (depending on their line of work, of course), and the rewards are emotional rather than monetary. We have to plan everything around our families and rarely get time to ourselves, and a lot of that is because we want so much to make everyone else happy and forget about ourselves in the mix. It's hard to remember that it's good for us to get out and do things on our own, too. The family (Mommy included) needs to respect Mommy's time, the kids need to miss her so they can appreciate her more, the husband needs to know what it's like to hold down the fort so he can appreciate her more, too, and the Mommy needs to know that it's ok to take a break, relax, have fun, and she can come back home re-energized and ready to keep giving more. It's almost like those little breaks give us the fuel we need to keep going, and if we don't take those breaks we run out of gas.



I have back problems, so I don't always get as much done as I'd like because some days I just can't, and those days I feel bad because I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I don't take my breaks as often as I should, or even as often as I need to, because I'm always trying to "make up for it" even though I'm the only one who thinks that way. And for me it's hard to go out and spend money I didn't earn, even though I did earn it by not spending it on daycare, partly because it's hard for me to remember that it's my money, too, and partly because I know how difficult it is for my husband to live on such a tight budget now after we used to make so much more and as much as his spending habits are improving there are still many months that I feel we cut it too close.



As far as taking the kids out to the park, soccer, basketball, etc. those are things that sometimes I do, sometimes my husband does, sometimes we both do. Most of the time I clean the house, but sometimes my husband helps (and sometimes I don't even have to ask).



But one more thing is that I also have to supplement my son's education because he isn't challenged enough at school. He is only in the 3rd grade, but he's bored out of his mind and capable of doing much more difficult work and the school can't or won't do anything about it. So, yes, we work. Most of us are maids, chefs, nurses, childcare providers, teachers, mediators, financial experts, personal assistants, event coordinators, communications experts, extreme multi-taskers, and so much more, but we are also humble, often to a fault.

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