Just a quick question.............

Ashley - posted on 07/05/2010 ( 27 moms have responded )

16

35

0

I'm wondering if I'm the only SAHM that feels like a second class citizen in her own home. I'll give you an example: When I ask for money from my DH who yes works full-time expects me to list exactly what I want that money for and how much I need. Then when I do this he undercuts me like 10-20 dollars and gives me no flexible money incase I see something else. Just yesterday I said it would be nice to have some summer clothes that actually fit, and he says so what like 30 dollars would be enough?? REALLY.............. the woman who stays @ home with our child all day doesn't deserve something nice every once in a while, but you can run to Best Buy whenever and buy what you want!! Sorry for the length of this but I had to vent..........

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 07/05/2010

2

16

0

I have the same problem with my hubby he works full time and thinks i don't do anything except watch tv all day i have tried to talking to him and have even made him take care of the kids and the house for the weekend but he still doesnt understand so now i just use my debit card and wait for him to check the account yes we fight over it but i dont take advantage of the money and i tell him everytime we married with a joint bank account and we both work he works 40 hours a week and i work 24/7 so he can either pay me by the hour or let me spend money when i need it

27 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 06/15/2011

1,606

10

227

I may not get the help I need around the house but I get first priority for spending. We have an agreed on identical amount of money each paycheck to spend on ourselves. That's no questions asked, spend how you want money. It's not a ton of money but it's nice to have. Sounds like maybe you should think about doing something like that. Go over your budget and figure out what would be fair, appropriate, and of course equal. You are as entitled as he is to a little joy spending. You are not a second class citizen.

Laura - posted on 06/15/2011

128

77

5

OMG!!! I am a SAHM and I know for a fact that I deserve to go out and buy something for myself. Just because you stay at home doesnt mean your not intitled to treat yourself once in a while, Its not like your asking for money to go out and buy crack or cheat on him or something like that. I mean come on you deserve more than 30 dollars for new clothes if my husband said to me heres 30 dollars that should cover it right I would tell him how about you shove that where the sun dont shine...lol and no its nor fair that just because he goes out and makes he so called bacon that he gets to go to best buy amd spend it on whatever he wants because you work hard to and you deserve something for your hard work.

Laura - posted on 06/15/2011

128

77

5

OMG!!! I am a SAHM and I know for a fact that I deserve to go out and buy something for myself. Just because you stay at home doesnt mean your not intitled to treat yourself once in a while, Its not like your asking for money to go out and buy crack or cheat on him or something like that. I mean come on you deserve more than 30 dollars for new clothes if my husband said to me heres 30 dollars that should cover it right I would tell him how about you shove that where the sun dont shine...lol and no its nor fair that just because he goes out and makes he so called bacon that he gets to go to best buy amd spend it on whatever he wants because you work hard to and you deserve something for your hard work.

Lisa - posted on 07/09/2010

10

9

1

One day you should have him figure out how much he save by having you at home. I'm talking daycare for the kids, dry cleaning, and maid service for all the chores you do in a week. figure out the savings for a month. He will be suprised. I bet it is more then you would make if you worked. tell him how you feel when he is always in control. make a budget and in it put personal allowances for the members of the family. Parents should have the same amount each and the kids depending on age. . see if you can all live by your allowances. Take him shopping so he knows how much milk diapers and other necassary thing cost. but you need to tell him how you feel. also one day leave him with the kids and a list of things you do in a day. Tell him to enjoy hisself and go to a friends or your moms for the day or a couple of hours. let him be the stay at home parent. My husband does this for me once in a while and I LOVE him for the break and when I come home I am revived and am a way happier SAHM. Talk if you guys don't figure this out it can cause future issues biggest reason for divorce = Financial stress. hope things go well for you and keep up the good work you are doing as a SAHM.

Sherri - posted on 07/08/2010

45

11

3

I used to work outside the home until my health prevented it. I have been a SAHM for 8-10 years and it isn't my husband but my teen son(16) who thinks dad should be forcing me to work.my husband is good to me and when I need money he doesn't question me about it. when ever said son gets mad he thinks it is all my fault that dad works all the time, yet he asks for money more than me and then doesn't finish the job he was asked to do for the money he wants.

Ruchi - posted on 07/08/2010

13

25

0

Hi,
I guess you are running under too much stress.........give yourself a break...& second class citizen.........no..been a full time mom & taking care of your home is not easy ..& is definatly not a 2nd class work....
you really need to talk to your DH.....if he thinks your expences are worth less...He need to clear out lots of dust ...........

Kim - posted on 07/08/2010

462

11

27

While my husband will give me money when I ask for it, I mostly use the credit card now so I dont' have to constantly ask him for money. And he does understand I work all day with the kids and the house. After a weekend he is done, and can't figure out how I am still sane. Sometimes I wonder too. The problem is he pays all the bills online and I have no idea how much money we have. I know we are doing ok, we can pay the bills and buy groceries but after that I don't know how much extra there is. I hate that I am always putting off getting new clothes or picking up something for the house or kids because I'm trying to be frugal then he will buy books or something we dont' need on Ebay. While I like to be home with the kids and we would probably end up spending most of my paycheck on childcare, it would be nice to have my own money again when I could buy that shirt or even buy gifts for the kids with out worrying. But you do need to talk to him. When he says will whatever amount be enough say, NO and up it by $10 and put it away for another time.

Ginevra - posted on 07/07/2010

2

1

0

Ashley - and to the others who said that they are in a similar situation...I couldn't live like that for even one second. How can it be that you don't have any access to your families bank accounts? It's 2010 not 1910...right?

In all seriousness - I find that terrifying - completely terrifying to be so under the thumb of another person...even a husband who you love. It just doesn't seem like you are any kind of a partner (equal or otherwise) if one of you is so totally in control of the other. I would feel horrid and suffocated. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

AFM - My husband and I talked about how to deal with money way before we got married...and we basically have a budget and we follow it. If we are shopping together and I think he will be happier not knowing how much I am spending on something (I manage the household bills - and he never even looks at them) I just tell him to "step away" when we get to the cashier at a store. He just smiles and takes a walk. As long as we are making our retirement goals...he doesn't care how the money gets divided. This system works great for us - but only because he knows that I am not going to blow the budget. We've been together for 12 years and we have 3 kids. Good luck.

Mikayl - posted on 07/07/2010

109

38

17

Oh Boy, My Husband did this to me too. So you know what I did?!?!?!?! I wote him out a BILL!!!!!! make sure you add extra when the kids through a fit, and when they make a mess, doing the dishes, washing his clothes, ptuuing away his clothes!!! When my husband came home I gave him the kid and then told him the bill was on the table and walked out. After you do that. go rome around walmart for about 15 to 30 minutes and then come back. and see what he has to say. I'm SO SERIOUS do it!!!!!!!

Tammy - posted on 07/06/2010

93

10

10

You are not the only SAHM that feels this way. My husband and I had a huge fight over this when my youngest was born. We changed the way we do our bills and finances and now we each get $50/wk that we don't have to account for to the other person.

If you would like more information let me know.

Laura - posted on 07/06/2010

195

35

25

My friend got caught in a trap where she started asking her husband for money when she needed it. It turned slowly into what seemed like an allowance. She too felt like he could just determine what she needed and what she didn't. I almost got caught in the same routine, but now, I just tell him what I will spend money on rather than ask him. You both have rolls in the family and you both need things day to day. I'm not saying to just spend money frivolously but to try and not ask permission when you need something. Hope that helps :)

[deleted account]

Hey, I think some SAHM's go through this at one point or another. If it's not money, it's the what have you done all day. Our husbands just don't get it. But as we all know it's just another job so why not get paid like everyone else. Work out your budget and stick to an amount every week. Extra's are extra's and I mean extra's for the kids. Not for you. I grew up with my father doing this all my life and i swore I would never let it happen to me. The budget is a great way to have freedom because you have your money and you don't need to defend yourself for every single penny you spend. It's all about control and you need to take your back.

Christina - posted on 07/06/2010

43

60

4

I would definately sit him down and get him to budget you in. You should not have to feel that way!

Cristina - posted on 07/06/2010

327

35

19

Hi, well you're not the only one, I worked all my life and got all I wanted because I worked for it, when I married I worked until I got pregnant and had to be in bed for 8 months, that was hard, but now the even harder part is that my husband is acting just like yours, I sat down with him last month and told him all of this and all I do, that even tho I do not bring home $ I bring more than all the money in the world, that my job was as important as his if not more, I am raising our child and have that huge responsibility for the next 18 years with no holidays or free weekends, that I work nights, days, summer, Christmas, and that on top of that I cook, clean, run errands, anyway you know, he was like, well didn't really say much, so now I get to spend what I want when I want to, PLUS, he knows that I would never over spend, and that it's only to buy things I know we need. So, talk to him tell him exactly how you feel.

[deleted account]

You should really think about having joint accounts. Its way easier to control all of your eggs when they're in the same basket. Then you need to make a monthly budget. Included in this budget should be a spending allowance for each of you; Cash you take out at the beginning of each month to do with as you please, be it starbucks every day, or saved up to go on a shopping spree at the beginning of each season. It isn't to be spent on groceries, bills or other necessities, and it doesn't have to be a lot. All that matters is that you have some freedom and control over your finances. What your husband is doing is called financial abuse. Not cool! The money he brings home isn't "his" it belongs to your family. You two need to start running your family finances like a business partnership and you'll have far more comfort and success in the future. Talk to him. Financial disagreement is the #1 cause of family breakdown and divorce. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2010

622

12

86

I know how you feel sometimes! My husband and I run on a budget that we have discussed and I do agree with but sometimes... My husband is an accountant so spending money for him is always a process! I got tired of always trying to remeber what I was buying, especially since it was usually something for the kids anyway and my mind just doesn't itemize like his!!! We decided to switch to a cash budget and then I could be flexable in my spending with the cash that was for groceries, or the cash that was for clothes, etc. It took a little while to get used to and learn how to save some from one week for the next if say a birthday or something was coming up, but after a year of it I even have a reserve! We joke now each week that he gives me my "allowance" for all my "chores", you know raising the kids and running the household! ;-) It really had turned into a positive thing though because we no longer argue over all the liitle things and we have a good laugh over it too!

Kat - posted on 07/06/2010

309

37

24

sounds like my husband. god....i told him he can have the debit card and i'll have the checkbook, and that's that. at first he pitched a fit, but i was like "if our son needs diapers, i'm not gonna wrap his butt in a sheet. i need money to get it!"

Ashley - posted on 07/06/2010

16

35

0

Thanks for all the comments ladies. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who gets this. For those who have asked no I have no access to the household money. I have my own checking and he has his and when I ask for money he transfers that amount to my account, so I can't spend and then worry about it later like some moms have said. I was told we could have a joint checking account but I can't spend what's in it. I can pay bills so it feels like I'm spending money (That's what he said). I told my DH last night I should start charging him Day Care.

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2010

53

51

3

I haven't encountered that exact issue, but there are certainly times that I complain that I feel more like a housemaid than a human being! Those are the times I rant for a bit (venting helps me not them lol), and then go on strike for a day or two, the only housework I do is what has to be done. Needless to say, very quickly does the attitude change. If you hve been feeling like this for a while then you need to sit your husband down and talk to him about how you feel. It is really hard to understand what a sahm does all day when you aren't doing it yourself. My partner asked to have a day at home with the kids with some chores so he could get some idea, his efforts were the kids and no work got done and kids had macdonald's for lunch! he simply had no idea how I fit everything in, maybe something like that would help your husband to understand what is going on for you?

Erika - posted on 07/06/2010

407

20

25

I used to feel like that sometimes, but I don't anymore. I just let my Husband know how I'm feeling and it makes me feel better. I work from home now, so it's nice to go shopping and not feel bad about it.

M - posted on 07/06/2010

518

22

162

Personally I don't recommend spending money and having the discussion later - I think it breeds resentment, anger, and trust issues in the long run. If I were you I'd try sitting down with my husband and explaining to him that money for summer clothes is not a 'nice to have' - its a necessity for you. It's what makes you feel beautiful and valued and you need it.

I had the same discussion with my hubby - especially when I was in that '4th trimester' stage when my maternity clothes didn't fit but my old clothes didn't fit either. I really felt just run down and ugly and buying clothes that fit me well helped a lot with my self-esteem, and consequently my desire for sex (hey, just being honest :-). We created a budget together and I stuck to it and that helped build trust for future similar situations and discussions.

[deleted account]

i agree with amber my hubby can be the same way, i just sit down and tell him exactly what i need and try to shop online first so i know how much cash ill need its helped a lot..( he controls all the cash.... but he still doesnt understand sometimes i think its just how men are.. up until 2 days ago my hubby was convinced i could handle taking our 2 year old and 2 month old on the subway alone ( we live in chicago) so we all went on it and he was like wow you defiantly couldnt do this alone! just give him a taste of his own medicine if its really an issue, ask him how much he spends and on what and then had him the money and see how he feels...

Rebecca - posted on 07/05/2010

104

32

5

Do you have any access to the money yourself, or does he completely control it all day every day? If he has no problem spending lots of money on himself while being stingy with you then that is soo unfair...If it were me and my husband, I would definitely have to sit down with him and let him know that it's not kosher and that it has to change. You should point out that you also work full time, and see if he gets the message. If he tries to say some BS such as "What you do isn't work" or "So you stay home and watch TV all day" or some other crap (Not that I'm saying he would...It's just that I've heard other SAHM's talk about their husbands saying stuff like that to them) then boycott all the household duties (except for childcare, of course) and SHOW him that you deserve some money to spend how you see fit!!

S - posted on 07/05/2010

11

0

2

Well, sometimes I do fee like I am the stay at home maid.It seems that everything falls on me around here. Honestly, unloading a dishwasher shouldn't be too tough for hubby to handle. Yet, not once has he done this...even when I was working full time. Anyway,I don't bother asking for money. I just spend what I feel is necessary with my debit card and I withdraw cash whenever I want. He never says a word because he knows that I budget better than he does. Still, sometimes I hate it when I feel guilty about spending cash on something nice for me. I really hate that I feel bad for spending money on myself when he doesn't care and we can afford it. He doesn't think twice about buying a 400 dollar pair of sunglasses. Anyway, Have you tried to talk to your hubby about it? It sounds like he needs to understand that you have needs and wants too. Just because you stay at home doesn't mean that you don't need things to feel good about doing your job. He needs to know that you can actually budget and know what you can spend without him having a itemized detail about everything. It seems like you guys need to talk over things and hear each others side of things.

Samantha - posted on 07/05/2010

34

16

2

No I am sure you are not the only one sometimes I feel like a maid and a chef its like I am suppose to do everything no questions asked and my hubby works full time he is in the Navy but with the money thing I just spend and tell him later cause when we made the decision for me to stay at home with our three kids he understand he had to take care of me 100 percent that meant new wardrobe to have clothes that fit and money for basic needs and he needs o understand that

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms