Just venting

Nadine - posted on 10/13/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )




Okay where to start... I am 26 years old and I have two gorgeous little boys. My eldest is 21 months old and my baby is 7 months old. I am currently studying, doing my honours in psychology. I am also a stay at home mom. I love being with my boys all day, yes some days it does feel as if I am losing my mind but they fill my days with fun and laughter.

Both of them are developing quicker than normal, I like to think it's as a result of the programmes that I do with them.

My husband is a lawyer and views himself to be very important. He works for a firm where family means nothing. They have socials, and the spouses are not allowed to attend. I accessed my husband e-mails and found messages between him and a woman at work, when I confronted him he said it's "harmless flirting" and I must get over it.

He is becoming impossible to live with! He has taken to shouting at me if I ask anything, he very seldom talks to me and when he gets home he lies on the couch and sleeps. He shouts at the kids about everything and smacks them for the smallest thing - I have now started keeping the kids away from him. Now he says I don't want him to have anything to do with the kids. I have told him I am raising happy, confident, intelligent boys not abused children and either he adjusts him attitude or else I will not allow him to spend time with the boys.

He seems to be getting aggressive - I told him if he touches me I will ruin his career and I will have him locked up. He has learnt not to test me...

I am so tired of the fighting. I married him because I really loved him and thought we are meant for each other, these days I don't even know if I like him. I just want to give up on the marriage.

I decided to get a job, I have gotten one and I start in january. He is furious about this! I am starting to think that he want me to stay at home cos he see's it as away to control me.

I honestly don't know if this marriage is worth it!! How do I get him to realise what he is doing? Maybe he know and just doesn't care! Or maybe he is right and I really am a bitch who is driving him to this behaviour..


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Polyleah - posted on 10/13/2009




Hi Nadine, I don't know what your faith level is, but I would first say you need to pray for your marraige. Marraige is not meant to just give up on quickly, but of course God does not intend for us to be abused either. I have been married for 10 years and my husband and I have definately gone through the good and bad. It sounds to me like your husband is caught between his professional life and home life. He knows the e-mails are inappropriate (and they are absolutely) and he may be trying to start an argument to have ammunition to justify his behavior. Every good or bad thing we do begins with a thought, and too many times men think they can flirt a little and that will be the end of it, and then they lose control and make a big mess.

I would agree with the post to get counseling, you would be suprised what someone else can observe and say to your spouse and you, that would be received differently if you say it to each other.

Amy - posted on 10/13/2009




I'm glad you vented...you need to let your frustrations out. I also agree that counselling is a much better alternative to isolating yourself and the boys from your husband/their dad. I'd also recommend watching/renting the movie "Fireproof"--w/ Kirk Cameron. It shows how each partner has to give 100%, not 50% or less. It would be a good movie to watch together, if nothing else. Your marriage is very important, and having the two of you parent your children together means THE WORLD to your children. I pray for you to have the strength to do what you need to do. Personally, I wouldn't take "harmless flirting" lightly. That's wrong, and you don't flirt when you're married. You guys need to talk with someone---otherwise, you'll just continue to have yelling matches and the kids will really suffer. One last thought is to get away together, alone. Even for a day or two...a different environment will change the speed of things and give you guys a chance to open up a bit easier. Best wishes :)

Susan - posted on 10/13/2009




I think you need counseling to decide what to do. I wouldn't encourage anyone to give up on a marriage lightly, but I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive, controlling relationship either. A professional counselor can help you decide what is in the best interests of you and your children. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 10/13/2009




honey you got something to vent about flirting with someone at work is not on but you checking his email was wrong to then his behavour is really wrong hes angery about something so if you cant talk without fighting then write him a letter tell him how you feel i did this years ago with my hubby and we sorted everything out i was ready to take the kids and go back then when i came home from work i had choclates flowers and the bigest cuddle with a apoligie so give it a try good luck my thoughts are with you

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