Kids 3 and 5. Baby due in two months. Husband left.

Lea J - posted on 01/02/2010 ( 37 moms have responded )

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Husband left at 16 weeks with this pregnancy. While I was in the hospital for dehydration after throwing up for 3 months. He filed for divorce, and moved out.
He has been abusing the kids since. Mentally and other wise. They've been told to call me Lea, not Mom. Call me a loser, tear up my house, cut things up, and other such sick things. It gets sick to the point I cannot mention it all on here... it sounds too crazy.
I need prayer. That is #1. Its been 3 months now since he left, and just when I think I can't take anymore I do. And I have to, don't have a choice. I have to take whatever is thrown at me.
This has been the most unbelievable situation I've ever seen anyone in.
He's very controlling and has cut finances as well. I have sold my rings to pay for Christmas. He makes $500K a year, owns two companies and drives a brand new $50k truck. I'm in the middle of a horrible battle for my life. I'm at my wits end tonight. And it is tough a lot.
I don't miss him. Nothing to miss. And I have not been able to deal with this yet - kids come first. I"m in hell. Please pray for me if you are able.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Barbara - posted on 01/03/2010

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This man sounds like he has some very serious attachment issues. In waging this very personal war against you he is demonstrating his strong feelings for you. The last thing he wants is for you to move on and be happy without him. He wants to be able to control you from afar, and feel like he is the decider in your life. I beg of you, for your children's and your own sanity and peace, DON'T ENGAGE HIM. Treat it like a temper tantrum one of your kids is throwing; the more attention you pay, positive or negative, the worse the tantrum gets, right? He's waiting on the other end for the report on how much he is still affecting you. Even when you feel like taking a baseball bat to his head, ignore him. Don't give him anything to be proud of. Eventually he'll have to give up.
And you are your children's mother, and they know that. Nothing that they say is coming from them, it's all him. He is speaking through their mouths and using their hands to do this mischief. They know you and love you just the same as they have always done, and are just trying to deal with this themselves, and don't know what to do. And they probably enjoy stirring things up, as they feel stirred up themselves. I would try reacting to it by letting them know (in the calmest way possible) that you know it's him who put them up to this, and that you love them no matter what, and that things will be better soon. Be the one who they can come to to feel like everything is ok, or will be eventually. Be their rock of stability and strength. And things will be ok. Eventually this will all seem like a bad dream, and you and your kids will be so proud of the way you all came out of it better than ever you were before.
All my best wishes and positive thoughts go out to you in this time of change, and congratulations on the baby! You can do it, Mama!

Chelle - posted on 01/05/2010

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I will keep you in my prayers. My ex-husband sounds about the same as yours. It's unbelievable what they will do at times. What I did was document EVERYTHING (it will be key when you go to court), get a lawyer or deal with the courts directly. I had my ex's visits taken, we were in and out of court so many times! It was hell. I honestly didn't think I had anything left in me at times. You do find the strength, I'm still not sure how, but you do. I eventually moved to the UK with my new husband. My ex signed over his rights and we haven't heard from him in months (knock on wood). Sometimes having the father around is the worst thing for the kids! Keep them safe no matter what (I know you are).. Keep us posted on what happens and good luck!!

37 Comments

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Cari - posted on 01/09/2010

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I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Do you have any family that can give you advise or help you? Has your lawyer filed a motion for emergency child support? I hope when this is over you get lots of alimony and child support. Have you thought about joining a church, they are great with helping out and giving advise...usually they have babysitting while you are there which will give you a much needed break and some adult time.

Megan - posted on 01/08/2010

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Document everything, record everything when you can, keep everything that will be helpful. Take him for all he has. He isn't caring about you or your feelings and you shouldn't care about his either, even if it hurts you and your are not that kind of person, you need to be strong. What a BASTARD! What does his family say about this. I hope he has to pay a shit load in child support and can't afford his 50k truck he drives. Make sure you go for alimony too. You may feel you don't need it or don't want to bother with it, but things will only get worse and you will be glad that you went for it. My mother didn't want to bother with alimony and regrets it all the time. Hang in, stay strong, and like i said Document EVERYTHING!

Abida - posted on 01/08/2010

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Quoting lea J:

Kids 3 and 5. Baby due in two months. Husband left.

Husband left at 16 weeks with this pregnancy. While I was in the hospital for dehydration after throwing up for 3 months. He filed for divorce, and moved out.
He has been abusing the kids since. Mentally and other wise. They've been told to call me Lea, not Mom. Call me a loser, tear up my house, cut things up, and other such sick things. It gets sick to the point I cannot mention it all on here... it sounds too crazy.
I need prayer. That is #1. Its been 3 months now since he left, and just when I think I can't take anymore I do. And I have to, don't have a choice. I have to take whatever is thrown at me.
This has been the most unbelievable situation I've ever seen anyone in.
He's very controlling and has cut finances as well. I have sold my rings to pay for Christmas. He makes $500K a year, owns two companies and drives a brand new $50k truck. I'm in the middle of a horrible battle for my life. I'm at my wits end tonight. And it is tough a lot.
I don't miss him. Nothing to miss. And I have not been able to deal with this yet - kids come first. I"m in hell. Please pray for me if you are able.



hi lea



it was a really bad what all had happened to u but believe me all will be sooooo good for u in future as we believe that u are only suffered till the time u can hold it not more than that



all the best for ur delivery and ur kids keep ur focus on ur babies



everything will be ok soon



abida





 

[deleted account]

I am going to say 2 things that you may think is crazy, but just bear with me.
1. Give it to God. You cannot do this alone. Your kids will NOT be okay if you do it on your own. But the good news....you are not alone. HE is there and He is absolutely faithful in His promises. He will wrap you and your kids in love, peace and protection.....but you got to leave it in His hands. Every difficult morning you wake up and don't want to get out of bed, every day it seems the tears won't stop falling, anytime your children cry from the hurt, or act out because they have been told to do so.....give it to God. Trust is so hard right now, but let Him do His work. Trust in His plan.
2. Pray for your husband. I know, I want to reach through the computer and slap him senseless too. This doesn't mean you still cannot be angry, hurt.....or hiring laywers. You do what you have to do and ensure that you and the children are safe and healthy. But you also need to help the miracle. So you have to pray for him....even though right now you hate him. Only God can do a work in a man such as this. The devil is no gentleman and he will do whatever it takes to steal or joy, rip our families apart, hurt our children. But the master of lies cannot do his work when love abides and when God's children get praying. You have a whole message board agreeing with you in prayer....so let's just go right ahead and Thank God for the miracles and blessings that are coming your way. Amen!

Angela - posted on 01/07/2010

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Quoting Heather:



I would get a lawyer, file a restraining order, have him mentally assesed, take his parental rights away until he can learn to be a better person... You just have to find the strength within you for your kids.




Jessica - posted on 01/07/2010

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Lea my heart hoes out to you! You and your children will be in our prayers. I can imagine it must be a very hard situation, but like you said your children come first. We as moms have to stand up and keep on going for our kids, they need us, we are all they have. And as soon as you recuperate, you need to take your children away from him if he's abusing them in the ways you mentioned. And if he filed for divorce, I'm sure he knows what child support is and must do so. Remember Lea, just trust the Lord to help you pray for strength and guidance through all this, you will make it through with God's help. hugs!!

Amanda - posted on 01/07/2010

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Good luck hun, I hope all goes well for you and your children! You're in my prayers.

Michelle - posted on 01/07/2010

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I agree with Sara. Keep close track of everything that happens. This will help you legally speaking, but I also think it will help mentally as well. Sitting down and writing it out clearly will force you to step a little outside of the situation and make you think a little more analytically about it. It will help you deal with it that way. Just remember that those kids do love you, it's not them doing these things to you. Just know that God and the judge are working for you and everything will eventually even out and be ok. My prayers are with you.

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2010

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That is SO aweful!! It sounds like he is still VERY immature and needs to grow up! He thinks that he is only hurting you by having your kids call you by your first name, or by him mentally abusing them. but its hurting them more than anything! esp. at the ages of 3 and 5!! I couldnt imagine!!! I hope you have a good lawyer! I learned from my own divorce you dont have to pay all at once. right now all i pay is 20 dollars a month because its all i can afford!! hopefully things start to look up!! and child support should help you and alimony?? try to stay postitive for you children in the long run i promise they will end up looking up to you and see how brave you were when their father was pulling the stuff that he did! and keep a journal!

Carrie - posted on 01/07/2010

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My heart goes out to you. I came from an abusive home. My father was struggling with his identity and was abusive to my mother. After many months of together and apart and together and apart, we were finally able to make a clean break. I am 34 years old and the last time I saw my "sperm donor" (as I have come to think of him) was when I was 8 years old. We got our own apartment, my mom worked two jobs, and through a lot of family support and prayers, we made it. Two years later, my mom met the man who is now my father. He has been an amazing support for her and the backbone of my family. My sister and I are both well adjusted adults with no regrets. You are a strong, smart woman and can do this. You can provide enough love and support for your children. All my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that each day you will feel a little bit better. Someday, you will wake and this will all be in the past. All you can do is pray, love your kids, and count on friends and family who are willing to offer support in any way they can. Sending out love and prayers to you and those children!!

Sara - posted on 01/07/2010

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First things first, know that you are not alone!! It does get better & you can make it through b/c you have 2 for the kids. That will give you strength. PAY ATTENTION!!!! KEEP RECORDS OF EVERY THING!!!! Keep a journal of all phone calls all visit ect. When, were & for how long. This is your best defense for custody. LOG EVERYTHING you can think of. what the kids say how long after talking/seeing dad this happens. how long it takes them 2 act "normal" after visit of any kind.Any one who witnesses any thing ask them 2 write a statement of what the have seen/heard.If you can get a Inderm (I think that's what it is called.A emergency Short-term immediate temporary order) custody order in place while you want for the "real" order. Or a restraining order. With either of these you can get a temporary support order done as well. This will help make ends meet. you can go 2 a woman's shelter 2 get help with this paper work or any other support they can offer. Do not be 2 proud 2 ask & receive whatever help you can get no matter where it comes from. There are lots of ppl & places that you can get help & support from. Any abuse towards you needs 2 also be logged that includes "telling" the kids not to call u mom or names and such. I am very willing 2 help any way that I can. please add me 2 Face book or e-mail me cuz there is just way 2 much 2 say here. Any one needing this help or just some1 2 talk 2 plz let me know. I have been through a lot of the same & know how hard it is. redhotsaralee@aol.com either add 2 facebook or message me just let me know it is some 1 from the circle of moms so I know not 2 junk it. :) Keep your head up you already did good just asking 4 help. Plz be strong & stay focused. My prayers are with you.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2010

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Lea. I am soooo sorry to hear. I hope you have family or close friends near you that you can lean on for support and that can help you when the baby arrives. Make sure you get a good attorney that will fight for you and those children. Document EVERYTHING. He is the loser!! He obviously has an illness. Your children need you, just stay strong and look for support systems around your area to help you.
My prayers are with you.
Michelle

Kimberly - posted on 01/06/2010

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Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Keep your head held high and just know a light always shines at the end of a tunnel.

Sharida - posted on 01/06/2010

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My prayers are with you on this difficult time of your life!! I must say,, its good he has left for the sake of you and the kids,,no one needs to put up with any abuse of any kind, you are much better then that!! I hope he is man enough and paying child support as he should be,,, Nail him for everything you can the loser deserves it!!! God Bless you and your little angels!!!!

Erin - posted on 01/06/2010

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Quoting lea J:

Kids 3 and 5. Baby due in two months. Husband left.

Husband left at 16 weeks with this pregnancy. While I was in the hospital for dehydration after throwing up for 3 months. He filed for divorce, and moved out.
He has been abusing the kids since. Mentally and other wise. They've been told to call me Lea, not Mom. Call me a loser, tear up my house, cut things up, and other such sick things. It gets sick to the point I cannot mention it all on here... it sounds too crazy.
I need prayer. That is #1. Its been 3 months now since he left, and just when I think I can't take anymore I do. And I have to, don't have a choice. I have to take whatever is thrown at me.
This has been the most unbelievable situation I've ever seen anyone in.
He's very controlling and has cut finances as well. I have sold my rings to pay for Christmas. He makes $500K a year, owns two companies and drives a brand new $50k truck. I'm in the middle of a horrible battle for my life. I'm at my wits end tonight. And it is tough a lot.
I don't miss him. Nothing to miss. And I have not been able to deal with this yet - kids come first. I"m in hell. Please pray for me if you are able.


He is not worth it just consatrate on you and that baby and the kids I went through it with my ex husband he left when my oldest was 8 months old many restraining orders  later we finaly  got divorced I got sole custudy of my son couse he also was abusive its now  almost 14 years later and every thing is great im remarried and have 3 more beautiful boys. just get help see a counsler to talk out your feelings and if you could get the kids away from him the abuse is no good for them and I promice you will get trough this I did and every thing is better and it will get better for you Just believe GOD BLESS 

Erin

Mimmy - posted on 01/06/2010

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Our prayers are with you.. Don't worry, u will get through this one way or the other.. I am really sorry to hear your story.. God had made us so strong that we can overcome all the hurdles in life.. u have come a long way... just hang in there and all will be good... take care dear.. we will pray for you...

[deleted account]

I am so sorry for your trials. I will not tell you not to worry, etc. as I KNOW it's easier said than done. What you have going for you is the power of prayer and faith--if you have faith you have a priceless positive! It sounds like your husband has issues here he will have to deal with sooner or later, and using your children as pawns will only serve to hurt HIM in the long run as they will see in time and on their own that you were not to blame and how wrong he has been in doing this to your family. I will be praying for you *hugs from GA.*

Erica - posted on 01/06/2010

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I am so sorry to hear everything you and your kids are going through. We are here for your support. You and your kids are in my prayers. You can do this, for you and for your kids' sake. I agree with Jodi. I would get a lawyer first, then a protective order for your kids. God made you a strong woman. You can do this. May God Bless.

Toni - posted on 01/06/2010

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I am so sorry to hear of all the difficult times that you are going through. You and your children are in my prayers and I know it may be hard at times, but the most important thing you can do is to not lose faith. God will pull all of you through! Good Luck and God bless.

Jodi - posted on 01/05/2010

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Get a protective order against him for your children's sake, request that he be mentally assessed for the wellbeing of your children and that until he has been assessed and cleared, he be allowed ONLY supervised visits at the maximum! My prayers are with you and your children. Stay strong for them, you can get through this!

Michelle - posted on 01/05/2010

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There isn't much I can say to you that already hasn't been said. So here are some links that might help. Good luck. Do what's best for You and your Children. Remember to take care of yourself. Good luck.



I Googled How to Divorce an Abusive Husband and here are some of the links that might help. There are a lot more out there.



Divorce360

Womans Divorce

Ezarticles: Spousal Abuse During Divorce

Wikihow:Divorce Your Abusive Husband

Ehow: Divorce Abusive Husband

Jayne - posted on 01/05/2010

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you can do it.....mums have to and its the strength we use to give birth that lets us do it..........cant give you anymore advice than what the other ladies have but i have been in bad and i mean bad times before and you keep it up....please let us knowhow you are doing noticed you havent been on since writing this really do hope you ok in this awful situation hugs to all x

Cathleen - posted on 01/05/2010

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Please get a lawyer as quick as you can! It is important to document and please get some support from family, friends, if you have a church(talk to someone in leadership). If there is any domestic support places in your area contact them immediatly to get some counsel for yourself. Make sure you have others around you or can verify these things are happening with your children. I am praying for you as well.

Kelly - posted on 01/05/2010

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I am praying that your children and you can get through this awful time, with love and not hatred in your hearts. I am praying for strength for you, to keep going when you don't think you possibly can. And I am praying that you will find joy with your new baby, and that the harsh feelings surrounding this pregnancy won't affect this new little miracle in your life. Please feel the love and encouragement that we all are sending your way!!!

Sheryl - posted on 01/04/2010

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i am so sorry to hear that you even have to go through something like this! his in the wrong. girl i would get yourself a really lawer and get all the you can. i would take him for every lil penny his worth! make sure you also keep track of all the stuff his doing and putting you and the kids through. i would even record his phone calls i mean everything. from what i hear it seem like you only way out. like some of the other women have said it seem like even though his not with you, his trying to control you. don't let him you sound like your better person than that. and if he can't be nice for the kids i would not let him have anything to do with the kids! cause it sound like his going through a mid life thing. plus, i'm sorry who does he think he is till the kids to call you lea. your mom and thats not going to change. i'm sorry my husbend know i'm mom to my boys and no other women will be called mom. woo... girl! don't take his crap. sound like he really needs to grow up. i feel so bad for you! but girl really don't let him try to control you or rip you down. i'll keep you in my prayers! you know what may help you is finding a women group near you or family! i'm sure one day you'll meet a man who can love you and your kids the way you guys need to be loved! i hope that things get better. man, way can men be pigs sometimes? again i'll keep you in my prayers.

Heather - posted on 01/04/2010

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I would get a lawyer, file a restraining order, have him mentally assesed, take his parental rights away until he can learn to be a better person... You just have to find the strength within you for your kids.

Julie - posted on 01/03/2010

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I will pray. I will pray every day until you write that you are doing welll and everything is as it should. I wish you strength to go on when all you can do is give up. I wish you courage to stand up to a nightmare you never knew you had. I wish you patience when chaos consumes you. I wish you love for the hate that is thrown at you. I wish you laughter through all the tears. I wish you peace at the end of all this. prayers are there for you

Julie - posted on 01/03/2010

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Oh Lea, I am so sorry you are going through this. My first advice for you is to get a lawyer and go see childrens services to get a protective order against him. He sounds out of control and potentially dangerous to you and your kids.

Lea I just prayed that God puts a blanket of protection over you and your children. I prayed that he places someone in your life to help you through this difficult time and protect you from your husband.

You need to reach out to the resources around you and get the help that you need. He sounds very disturbed to make your kids call you Lea and not mom. Make sure you document all of this too. It will make a stronger case for sole custody of your kids.

Good luck Lea...

Maura - posted on 01/03/2010

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Lea, I will definitely pray for you during this trying time. I highly recommend that you speak to a lawyer and try to document the abuse and poor behavior of the children. You might be able to temporarily require that your ex have only supervised time with the kids. It might help to for him to know from an outside source that his behavior is unacceptable. As much as you want the divorce and steady payments, you might not want a quick resolution with lots of visitation until his behavior improves, so you might want to delay a final agreement. I don't know how old the other children are, but perhaps you need to speak calmy to them that daddy is sometimes mean and wrong, that adults are not perfect, and that they have to brave and still follow the rules. Perhaps they should be sent to a psychiatrist, which the court might order your ex to pay for. Finally, try not to let him drive you crazy as that is clearly what he wants and isn't helping you any. The good news here is that a new life will be shortly on its way and he/she will bring you a new source of joy. Find someone or a group you can talk to, don't hide this guy's behavior because nobody will be on your side when you really need it. Good luck!

Bianca - posted on 01/02/2010

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What he is doing is abusing you from afar through your children, he is trying to make you feel the way you are feeling. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this - its times like these i wish i could get my shit kickers on and deal to men who do this. Have you ofund any support groups in your community or through the hospital or doctor? My friend had her partner pester her for 2 years to have a child and 3weeks before she was due he left her for a younger unpregnant model. She has never recovered properly and he has seen his son once. I feel like it was his plan to strip her of her identity and worth the same as what your ex is trying to do to you. Its devastating when Men use their power to make you feel worthless, vunerable and used.

Please hold your head up high, be a mom your kids can be proud of - my mum did it alone and did the very best she could and i love her for it, good luck =)

A. - posted on 01/02/2010

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I am SO SORRY to hear all of the trials you are going through! I will keep you in my prayers. All I can say is keep your head up the sun always rises after the darkest of nights. Try to remember that your kids LOVE you so much, you are their world. (((HUGS))) If your not doing this already I say get him for alimony & child support!

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