life as a stay at home mom?

Sam - posted on 04/06/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I'm really sick of a lot of things in my life and the mood swings it brings! One day I'm happy & fine, and more days than that, like today I feel miserable and rather worthless. I'm sick of being looked down upon by pretty much everyone around me, being thought of as lazy and worthless for being a stay at home mom.



My husband is relatively good with it most of the time, but If I don't keep up with everything around here he definitely gets snappy about it. Somedays I feel like the child myself. I'm always stuck around the house with our daughter, as we live in a rule area & I am working on getting my license. I'm just so sick of these 4 walls, and having no freedom what so ever. My husband literally just gets up and leaves whenever and for however long he wants, I only dream of what that would be like again! I hate nights the most when I'm sitting here by myself, my daughter is in bed, husband is gone.. it's just too quiet and lonely.



Perhaps I'm stuck in a rut, perhaps it's a little bit of depression, or perhaps it's relatively normal for a lot of stay at home moms.



What is your life like?

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Shayna - posted on 04/06/2010

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Every one has their down days, but you should never feel worthless!!!!

My hubby has night shifts some weeks, and I embrace the time to myself. I scrap book, paint, pamper myself, or just sit around and do nothing:) I get girl friends over and have a girls night, that's always a blast! You should never let any one else bring you down and make you feel like that, if they are being negative towards you and bringing you down then they should not be involved in your life. You really need to find hobbies and interests you have and do them. You need a escape from your day to day life! Keep working on getting your license girl, then you'll have the who world in your hands!

Tessa - posted on 04/06/2010

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Sam,

I have days like this too--days when I don't feel like I'm good enough (today was one of those day, in fact). It is so hard to be a stay at home mom. It is difficult to do the same thing 24/7 and to never have any time or space to yourself. How old is your child? My daughter is 11 months old and, finally, things are starting to level out. She is becoming more independent and I am beginning to feel more comfortable and gain more confidence as a mom.

My husband and I had many discussions about our expectations for each other when our daughter was first born. It is very challenging to go from an independent couple to parents. So many changes take place in such a short amount of time. Our biggest conflict was with how much he was helping out around the house and with our daughter. I was working myself to death and not getting any sleep because he thought he could just come home in the evenings, sit on the couch and watch tv while I did everything else. After many discussions, we have started to do everything 50/50 around the house and in child care. Finally, we came to the conclusion that "stay at home mom" works the same hours as "full time worker", so my husbands work at his job from 7-5 and so do I. I try to do as much as I can during the day, but somedays I get more done than others depending on how easy going the baby is that day. At the end of our "work day", we begin our responsibilities as parents. If I cook supper, he watches our daughter. If he bathes the baby, I put her down for bed, etc.... Basically, if one of us is up working, then the other person is too. No one rests until everyone rests.

I think you need to talk to your husband. Personally, I think it is disrespectful of him to leave you at home in the evenings whenever he wants to go out. Parenthood (as well as marriage) is a partnership and he needs to respect you enough to stay home and help you out. Also, plan a date night with your husband. It always seems to help my mood and our relationship when we can sit down together and have a nice peaceful dinner.

If you ever need to talk, you can send me a message on circle of moms or email me at tessa.armes@hotmail.com. I check my email several times a day (it's one of my only connections to the outside world!) I wish you all the best!

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Janina - posted on 04/07/2010

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Hey!

hmm i can totally relate to those "alone" feelings!! most of my friends and my family live 40 mins away and dont have kids themselves and so when my partner is at work i do feel like quite lonely and a little lost. my partner is very good once home, always helping out around the house. but he does have footy training 3 nights a week and thats when i really feel it, because hes been at work all day, i miss him, want him home and then off he goes to training. but ive just accepted this as he is amazing. maybe talk to your man about not going out at night?? maybe he just doesnt realise?. how rural are we talking?? are there buses you can catch into town??? id work on getting your licence and then you can go out more :)

all the best hun, i hope you feel better knowing youre not the only one, us house wives sacrifice a lot! x x

Yolanda - posted on 04/07/2010

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Hi all, wow been a stay at home mom is hard but yet it is the highest salarised job I have ever been paid since my payment is pure love. I have two children a four years old girl (who I had at 19) and a six month old boy so I am now 24 with two children. My days are sometimes hetic and other days are a breeze in the beginning i felt very lonely and isolated from the real world, not to mention i felt like everybody elses needs came before my own, but I found ways to deal with it; for istant I want my children to grow up with as much quality time they can get from me so i am always thinking of new fun ways to educate them and make games for them, I spend time with my mother-in-law and my hubbys granny and his brother as my family lives to far away to visit I also, go for walks go to the parks, and on weekends I take one night off from having children around and my hubby and I go to friends and have some fun, I also have taken up hobbies, like painting drawing. its important that once you become a mom and esp if you at home and not working you find out who you are again as a woman and not just as a mother you should never loose yourself in motherhood. Try also taking time to pamper yourself. And also not to step on anyones toes but your partner should be helping you and supporting you, so maybe talking to him and tell him how you are coping and feeling may help, my hubby often has to go away for work sometimes even three months at a time but he has always made sure he is there to support us. Been a mother and esp a stay at home mom is a hard job at the end othe night when other people who dont have children are going to sleep because they day is over our day still carries on. You just have to make sure that you are happy, coz happy mommy makes a happy baby

[deleted account]

You are not alone. I, too do it all and my husband goes to work all day and then does whatever he wants in the evenings. I understand your feelings completely. My husband expects me to do everything because I am home, and I feel guilty and bad about myself because I can't always get it all done. It's even harder now with 2 kids. I feel pulled in too many directions. My husband wants to be the third child! My daughter is 13 months old and he has not even changed her diaper once! He complains when everything isn't perfect and it just makes me feel worse. I struggle daily with feeling worthless and bad because it is just so hard to do everything all the time, especially when I don't even want to get out of bed int the morning, never mind run errands, do laundry and clean while taking care of the kids!
When my son was born, I met some other women with babies the same age as mine at a mother's support group at the hospital where he was born. This small group of women have been such a help to me. It helps to have someone to talk to who understands the demands of staying home. It is not easy. It is not always fun, and when you are in the middle of a long, tough day, it can feel so overwhelming. If you can, find some other moms that you can hang out with and talk to. It really does help to have some adult interaction and conversation.
I try to keep in mind that this is all temporary. Kids grow up so fast and they won't be little or completely dependent on you forever. I try to take time each day to really notice what they are doing and to play with them because it really goes fast.
I have gotten used to being by myself and sometimes even prefer it now because it's easier than having to take care of my husband on top of everything else!

Zoii - posted on 04/07/2010

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hi sam
i had my first baby at 19 and im now almost 24 with 2 kids and im in the same position as you . when my partner gets home and the house isnt clean hes like how did this happen why is this like that .. so on and so on ... and yes i do get into the moods of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and ive told my partner that i dont want anymore children and i may just be pregnant as we speak but dont want to know .... but yes i feel like a child some times and m partner is a lazy bugger he wont do much for the kids .. they are at a good age ive got 2 daughters a 4yr old and a 1 yr old ... but yes doing the same stuff day in day out its gets to you .. maybe you should try and get down the local shop or something in the community and see if they have anything for mums to meet like a playgroup so you have some adult interaction i love it i go to 2 a week and if i didnt have them i would go insane ... i need to get out , have you tried to go for a walk or something .... i hope this helps but just remeber that you are not alone there are many stay at home mums out there that are in your position .. and just think ive been doing this for almost 4 1/2 years now .... there is no end and i have no license either

Gina - posted on 04/06/2010

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Dear Sam,
I take it this is your first baby? Well, let me tell you that it doesn't get any easier with more kids ,but you really do get better at juggleing all that needs to be done. Now that's not saying that your husband shouldn't help out a lot more! H e most deffinatly needs to be carrying his own weight at home,after he clocks out of work!!!
I am 30 and have 2 young girls. Life is running me ragged! Some times I feel like my husband is a 3rd child. Espesially when he comes home from work and falls out on the sofa or goes to bed right away for a 3 hour nap, or plays his stupid x-box for hours with the same guys he saw all freaking day at work! while i'm still on duty.
I know it might lead to an arggument,but the only thing i can think is to hide his keys after work for 1 evening and MAKE him stay home to see what you go thru at nite. Just tell him that he's home now and your "clocking out" for a bit! Go to your neighbor's house and chill-get a breather.
I also found out that I can get more chores done after the rest of the house has gone to bed. I stay up late anyway,might as well be productive,(i don't do anything but care for and play with my girls during the day) To hell with trying to keep the house clean all day,when kids come right behind me and trash it all over again! At least I know i will wake up to a clean house that way.
Good luck to you my dear,

Tiffany - posted on 04/06/2010

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I feel that way a lot of the time also! I feel like I can never please everyone. I just turned 19, so all of this is very new. I feel as if I do absolutely everything around my house. I cook, clean, take care of my son, take care of the bills, and everything else humanly possible that needs to be done to make a household function. There are days where I just can't keep up with it all, and the next morning I wake up to a sink full of dishes and a cluttered house. I feel like it is my responsibility to do it all, because to my fiance, all I do is sit at home while he's at work, but we need to stop and see what all we are doing. Our job is a 24/7 job. The men should def. be helping us out in some way, whether it's simply picking up after themselves, or just doing a simple everyday household chore (that would maybe only take 10 minutes out of their day!).
My fiance goes out quite often to ride dirt bikes, which gets under my skin a bit because I have never been out for more than a couple hours since my son has been born, and that has only been to go grocery shopping! Unfortunately my son is attached to my him, I usually can't leave him for more that 20 minutes before he starts screaming non-stop at the top of his lungs. This makes me feel like it's just not fair that he gets to go out all the time! He should be stuck at home with me! Everyone tells me otherwise though. They says it's part of being a Mommy.
Well I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one feeling the way you are! If you find any ways to make ANYTHING a little easier or quicker let me know!
P.S. Before I decided to be a stay at home mom, I went back to work at Wal-Mart. My fiance said he had no problem being a stay at home dad (he was unemployed at the time). Needless to say my second day back to work he gave up! He had a hard enough time taking care of a 1 1/2 month old baby, not to mention he slacked terribly on the chores! It made me feel a lot better knowing that he realized what I have to do EVERY DAY!

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That doesn't sound normal to me. Where is your husband on these nights? Unless he is working or running necessary family errands, he should be home with you. An occasional night out with the guys would be alright as long as you get the same amount of time out with the girls.

Personally, I really enjoy my time alone after my son is in bed and hubby is working out of town or out with his friends. Try using the time to pamper yourself. Buy a really nice candle, bath salts, a great scrub and a good book or magazine, then next time you have a night to yourself, light the candle, run a hot bath to soak in while you read, then finish up with a shower. Paint your nails, play with new makeup looks, mix up your clothes to find fun new looks. Or if you're not the girly type, just settle in with a book, watch a good movie and munch on high-end chocolate and a good drink. You will feel refreshed and motivated afterwards.

Another think I just started doing is writing a journal for my son. I just write about our day, or any of the important (or not so important) things I want to tell him when he is older. The idea is that he will get to read it when he is older. It forces me to think of all of the wonderful parts of being his mother (because I would not want to be telling him he made me miserable...although sometimes, we all have miserable days), and my time alone in the evenings is the perfect time to do it.

Not having a license would be difficult, I can't say I would know what that's like, but do you have friends, other moms who could come to your house for playdates, or pick you up on the way to McDonalds?

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