Lonely mum

Stacey - posted on 03/14/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hey, I'm 31 and recently had my third baby. I gave up my career to stay at home after my third baby and now I find all my friends have dried up. I hadn't noticed due to working full time, and as I left my job rather abruptly due to being treated disgustingly after a miscarriage, I don't know who I I can trust from there either. Everyone else seems to have AT LEAST a best friend they can turn to, whereas I have no-one except my wonderful partner and the kids. My parents live four hours away and I'm not close to my brother and his wife as they have no kids and have exotic holidays and are just totally different from us. My partners parents live close but don't bother unless we go to them and his brother and wife are pretty much the same but dump their kids with his parents all the time!!! I feel totally friendless. On the odd occasion anyone invites me out for a night out it's like they purposely ignore me and leave me out. I'm a nice person who is always there for everyone else, but seems like when it comes to me needing someone there's no-one to be found. Why do I attract users like this? Sorry to moan on but I'm starting to get really down now.

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Stacey - posted on 03/15/2013

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Oh please don't get me wrong when I use the term "undesirables", I'm no snob, I live in a council house and had my first child at 18, so it's not me being judgemental or believing their kids are beneath mine, I live by these people so I KNOW their kids are out of control, they cause damage outside our house, they swear, beat other kids up and steal other kids stuff. I dare say there are probably some nicer kids in the area, but like me they are probably kept in to avoid these other kids who arnt so pleasant.

I do take what you say about taking the initiative though, I know I don't do that but I don't have the confidence to do it. I worked full time until I had my third child so none of them know me as they were doing school runs every day whilst my kids were at breakfast and after school clubs. Sometimes I just wonder whether I'm destined to just be friendless.

And yes I understand completely what you said about being careful what you tell to people, the girl who was my closest friend up until I had my youngest and has since stopped bothering, is totally in this category of friend where several times I've wondered how people found things out that I had said and done and could trace them all back to her. I suppose this has made me back off from friends even more as I know I'm too trusting and am afraid now of everything I say to anyone.

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You have to take some initiative. Try to remember that the other moms out there are just as shy as you are. If your kid runs into friends again, don't walk in the back, step up front and introduce yourself. Listen to the conversation. If they already know each other and are talking about a shared event, they might not realize they are leaving you out. Just listen in, and when you hear something you can relate to, pipe up. Or wait for an opening and ask about upcoming events you can bring your child to. Let them know that you are new to the sahm world, and they will be more than happy to help you out. People love to give advice!

Also, not to sound harsh, but you have to not be so judgmental about the other moms and kids around you. You cannot be afraid of making a friend because they MIGHT be an "undesirable"....I don't even really know that that means. Does "undesirable" mean like a criminal, or just someone no one likes?? Are they going to give you the cooties or are you just too good for them? Also, their kids might seem wild, but maybe they are just having a bad moment--all kids act up sometimes. Or perhaps you see them during that time of day when the moms let them run wild for a few minutes. Kids do need some unstructured time to just run and go everyday.

I don't know about "best friends" personally, I don't think anyone should tell another person their fears, weaknesses, problems, etc. I keep those to myself, because other people will just use them against you or judge you for them. Friends are for discussing books, news, the latest cute thing your kid did, or other common interests. If you need to talk about feelings, or weaknesses or anything like that, I suggest venting online, or, if you prefer an actual person, seeing a therapist who is bound by law to confidentiality. "Trust" is a tricky word. You can never completely trust anyone, you just have to decide how important the fall out from a break in trust would be, and go from there. For example, we trust the news anchor to tell us accurate news. If it was a big deal if she lied, I could go fact check on my own, but I don't care that much. When you tell a friend something, always thing "How am I going to be affected if she breaks my trust with this information (by telling another friend, by using what you've told her to judge you, etc)?" If it is going to hurt you, don't tell her.

Stacey - posted on 03/15/2013

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Thanks, nice to know someone gets me, Unfortunately I don't live in the best area, so am a bit afraid of making new friends around here in case they are "undesirables" to put it nicely, ALOT of the kids run wild and I don't want that influence on my children. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to go to a baby group on my own, but I just know that even if I did I'd sit there on my own. Even at the school gates I'm stood on my own. Prime example, yesterday my daughter bumped into two friends walking home and so we walked with them, the three kids were walking in the middle, the other two mums at the front.....and me trailing behind like a loner. Story of my life LOL XX

Nancy - posted on 03/14/2013

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My daughter was like that.Always there for everybody else. She's always wanting to help.She only has one though.She found out who her true friends were when she started having problems with the father. I know it's got to be hard when you think you have friends and it seems as though they just vanish.Do you know anyone in the neighborhood that may have kids close in age to yours?Maybe try to get to know someone who basically has the same things in common like kids.They're sure an icebreaker. Take them out for walks or perhaps to the park.If they want to treat you like some castoff even when they invite you out, you don't need that and they're not real friends and you don't need that. Good luck.

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