Marriage after children/SAHM life advice

Wyntersawyer29 - posted on 02/22/2018 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello ladies. I am new here and in need of some advice.
I am a stay at home mom to a 13 month old and a 1 month old. I do everything around the house. Literally everything. I cook. I clean. I keep my home organized and neat at all times. I take care of both children with no outside help from anyone. I have not had so much as a day away from my children since they were born other than the 2 days I was in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter but even then my husband was at the hospital basically all day both days and I was still changing diapers. Feeding my son and even chasing him around the hospital room with the iv still attached and fighting with him and having him jump all over me and all over my stomach while it hurt to stand up or roll over and or do anything and had perennial stitching and my husband just sat in the rocking chair next to the bed and played on his phone and was on facebook and relaxing while I was hurting and still couldn't relax. And then came home from the hospital to my house a wreck and had to clean the day after I got home because there was trash that hadn't been out. Dog poop in the kennel. Dirty dishes etc....it was the same way when my son was born. I didn't get to relax then except when in was in the hospital. But as soon as I got home life went back to normal. I never ask him to help with anything around the house or the kids because he will huff and puff about it and say he will help me do this or that and then he sits around all day and won't do it and ill wind up having to do it. His only day off is Sunday's. He gets to sleep in as late as he wants Sunday's. I make him breakfast and he eats and then he lays in bed literally all day except getting up to eat or use the restroom. I haven't left my house in over a month because he is always sipposedly too tired to go anywhere. He'll say we're gonna do something and then he lays in bed and procrastinates all day long until its too late to go and then I wind up pissed because I want out of the house. I don't have my own car right now for financial reasons and I don't have a licence I have to go get one so I can't go on my own and even if I did or could he wouldn't watch the kids to give me a break. He has never gotten up to make bottles or change diapers or soothe crying babies or anything he just gets to sleep through the night while I'm up every hour to two hours and then always complains how tired he is when he's the only one sleeping. He will play with our son for a hour or so when he gets home at night but that's not a break for me because I usually have to cook or clean while that's going on. I understand he works but I'm feeling under loved and. Feel under appreciated and like I could use some more love and support and help and some affection and a break every so often. I don't mind doing most everything because I know he works and he should be able to relax but at the same time I work too and deserve a break every once in a while too. I can't keep going on like this. Last Saturday I told him I wanted us to get back to ourselves again and spend some time together and talk more And about things other than the house or kids and cuddle and spend time alone together and take 30 mins at night when he gets just to talk about our day and stuff without the tv or his phone and he done that for about a week and then stopped. I rub his feet and back at night every night mostly no matter how tired I am. I still make myself do things for him because I want him to feel loved and appreciated and know how much I care but it doesn't seem like I'm getting any of that care or affection back. Instead of him trying to spend time with me he invited his family over and had a cookout in the back yard while every one brought their and left in my house to touch and tear everything up and me to watch them because I had to be inside with my two so I made then get out of my house and go to their parents because I was tired of it. And I don't like having them over anyway because they leave their kids in my house and let them do whatever the entire time and go outside and drink and have fun and leave me to watch them and eat and dirty up every dish in my house and never once have offered to help clean it up as if I don't do enough. Which is why id rather not have company. & my grandmother came over to baby sit Sunday while my grandfather was installing my new hardwood floor in my kitchen and my husband had to go to his dads to move a couch from outside to inside and came back and made the excuse he was too tired to take me to eat and take me shopping for the house so we didn't get to go and I didn't get to have my break and alone time with him. I ask him what's wrong or why he's barely saying anything to me at night sometime when he comes home and his excuse is always I'm tired. Well guess what I'm tired too. I don't ignore him though. I make time for him and try to be the best wife to him that I can and a good mother to our children too and its just starting to bother me and make me feel unappreciated and makes me wonder if he's fallen out of love with me or what even though I don't really think that's it...does anyone have any similar experiences or any advice?

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Ashley - posted on 02/23/2018

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yup marriage is hard. your not alone
well my husband can certainly be a pain sometimes like that, like come home and just shut down and get into that habit or rut for long periods of time and i think after as long as we've been married which isn't long only 5 years I've noticed it just cuz he's stressed, or he really IS tired. men are way more simple then id like to admit, id like for him to be full of conversation and feelings and complexity but the majority of men just aren't, its like their needs are, food, drink, and a naked body every once in a while. simple simple creatures..
id suggest PRAYER as number one, always easier said than done but i totally give you major props and praise for doing as well for as long as you have, my house and attitude go south real fast, so it you are really that, consistent i guess, the prayer, consistency in that will do wonders for yo and your marriage.
then id suggest this book i wish id found maybe even before i was married called "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr laura schlessinger.
its kinda of harsh, but like a bucket of cold water when you need to wake up, it helps but its like woah.. maybe you can ask your grandparents to pick it up for you from the library and bring it to you if you can't leave or get a FREE 30 day trail from audible and listen to it there your first book free.
i only suggest those because i hope they help you, not because your situation is anything like CRAZY weird for marriage, marriage has highs and lows, like a rollercoaster,
maybe he is just stressed because of the new babies and the financial strain that puts on him. that would certainly shut my husband up for like ever. try not to worry that he doesn't love you though i can certainly take my husbands quiet days in that SAME way so I'm right there with you girl.
GOOD LUCK!

Michelle - posted on 02/22/2018

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I suggest marriage counseling and opening up the communication between the 2 of you.
He has to understand how you are feeling, it doesn't matter if he huffs and puffs. Stop doing things for him, if he can't reciprocate then he doesn't deserve your extra energy.
How were things before you had the children? Did you do everything then as well?
I'm guessing you did so why would he expect things to change?
You both need to sit down and listen to each other without outside distractions.

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