marriage on the rocks

Anna - posted on 12/28/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My husband and I will be married for two years ths coming march. we are both only 21. He is in the army, so we are stationed over in south korea, and i have been here for almost 2 yrs. Things started out great, we both decided we wanted to start a family. When our daughter came...is when everything started to change. my husband has told me on numerous occasions that he is "jealous" of our 8 month old daughter, because i no longer have the time to doddle over him 24/7... This just blows my mind. and another thing is that i cannot get him to help me with anything. he feels that since he is the one working he doesnt need to help me with anything around the house. yes i know he has a stressful job, but when he gets home...his day ends. my day doesnt end. im constantly 24/7 taking care of my daughter, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bills...anything and everything. i dont know what what to do from this point ne more. any suggestions?

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Shasta - posted on 12/30/2009

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Oh.. and another thing some men need a push Tell him!!!!!! Don't ask him "Im going out for a while." for what ever reason and just leave the baby with him. hand her to him kiss them both good buy and grab your keys and walk out the door. This may be hard at first and he may get pissed at you but turn off your cell and stay gone from anywere to 3-6 hours . Go to the movies ,get your hair done, get a pedi. or just go hang out with your bff. Guys dont remember that they now too have three roles to play now 1the man in your life 2 the provider 3 daddy So some times they need alittle kick in the ass.

Joannie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Yea know its bad to say but men are assholes...He's the one with the issues and he makes you suffer..I know its hard to move on but if he insist on it being this way and your not happy well...you can figure out the rest..I am in a very similar sitiuation myself and i give and give and I just dont know mysel anymore..I have no friends really I just sit at home take care of my son (18mths) and my husband and in return i get treated like crap..i have givin up myself and decided to go back to school and meanwhile keep the peace. I want a carreer and if thing havent changed by then in my life ill leave and take my son with me..but atleast ill know i tried and we will be takin care of. I can set things up so My son and I will never be in this stuation agian. I hope things work out for you and your husband. Keep your chin up and just know he needs you more then you need him..good luck!

Dawn - posted on 12/29/2009

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Parenthood so early in a relationship is always very difficult. Usually the first five years is the period of adjustment and getting to know each other. So, introducing children into the relationship at this point makes it very uncomfortable for both parties. You guys may need to really sit down and talk over your expectations and determine what is realistic and what is not.
You’ve got to approach these difficulties as a couple rather than with the mindset of him vs me. Once you get married you become an ‘us’. Try focusing on the reasons you decided to marry your husband. Don’t allow hard times to overpower the love that brought you together.
Find time to spend with your husband so that He does not feel abandoned or rejected. I know you're probably running though the mental to-do list trying to determine when you can possibly do so. What I had to do was realize that I can't do it all and understand that it is ok if I let the laundry wait in order to spend an evening on the sofa cuddled up with my husband. Just do that every once in a while and he will feel like a king. Ask for his help and when he does even the smallest thing be sure to acknowledge him and show appreciation. Men really feed off of affirmation and will in return continue to help out for that positive reinforcement.
You also need to take some time for yourself so that you are not constantly giving out without refreshing or renewing yourself. When you put the baby down for a nap try on occasion to just do something for yourself during those couple hours; it does not have to be every day, but you will definitely benefit from the rejuvenation gained in those few moments of ‘me’ time. It will help you better approach the ‘we’ of your marriage knowing that you are taking the time needed to care for yourself.
I hope this helps a little. I know this is hard, but I can assure you from experience that it gets better. Don’t give up.

I'm praying for you!

Christy - posted on 12/28/2009

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Sounds like a neutral third party needs to come into the picture, meaning a therapist to help you both. You are both so young and have a lot more time ahead of you in terms of marriage, and your daughter. Work on it NOW before things get worse. Trust me, I have been there!!!!!!!

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Tiffany - posted on 01/05/2010

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Ok... Im here now im 22 & my husband just turned 25 babies almost 6 months, You do need to talk with him & let him know exactly how you feel & stay calm. I got my hubby to help out when I made myself clear. Dont know your husband but & only take this advice if your truely ready for what may come out of it. I had to threaten the big D (divorce) to mine to make him pay attention but even though I dont want it really he dosent know that but if I had to, I guess I would have to . I told him " If I was going to do all this alone, I might as well be alone" cause he was just causing added non needed stress. I told him to help me cause I cant just jump up and walk out the house when he wanted me to before cause I've got to get myself and my son ready & half the time had to get him ready too "honey were's my pants, no not those my favorite ones." " why isn't he ready yet" " I'll be out in the car" "I've been waiting for you for so long, now im not in the mood to go, the games almost on anyways" & so on while he can see me running around like a mad woman & still havent got dressed or done my hair & babies screaming. Or when he comes home I ask him to watch his son while I cook or do something just to have a breather but all I hear are complaints cause HE had such a hard day. Enough is enough after a while & I just couldn't see this going on forever although the first yr is the toughest because the baby is so clung to you it's unreal (& I breastfeed only had a babysitter once for 3 hours... mind u my son's almost 6 months old) within a yr she will be walking and starting real food easier to playwith and you will have a little more time for yourself and he needs to understand that when your relaxed, happy, & unstressed there maybe more time to doddle over him and be more intimate.

Ana - posted on 01/02/2010

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I was going through the same thing with my husband....we've been married for 13 years(since we were both 18) and we have 3 children together...It's very frustrating and emotionally draining to have someone who's supposed to be your source of support in every catagory !(emotionally,financially,etc...) See my husband was in the Army also, and I may be wrong but I think and strongly feel that maybe he is going through alot right now. Maybe you need to find a day when you can hire a babysitter, ask a neighbor, or family member to watch your daughter for a couple of hours. Try to have a "date" with your husband just you and him. Cook his favorite meal, and just sit down and nicely ask him how his day was, then in a respectful nice manner, let him know what's bothering you....

Jane - posted on 01/02/2010

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if he's jealous, then he needs his own time w/her. take the time after dinner to go fold laundry, take a shower, etc and let them have their time together. also, include him in her bedtime, letting him know (in a logical, matter-of-fact tone) that the quicker she's in her bed, the sooner the two of you can spend time together.

it seems crazy to us that they'd be jealous but i think dads can feel somewhat useless as they watch our world of motherhood where we live and breath our little ones.

my parents had seven kids, they just celebrated their 55th anniversary, they taught us that the cornerstone of any strong family is a strong marriage. you're both stressed with limited on-hands support, you need to band together and be there for each other.

Michelle - posted on 01/02/2010

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My relationship was rocky the first year too. I think the first six months to a year of parenthood is a big test on a relationship, no matter how solid you were. First, set up a date night so that the two of you have one night a week where you can focus solely on each other. Then set up some Mommy time. You need time to yourself to relax and decompress otherwise you're going to project your stress onto him and the baby. Maybe if he's watching the baby while you're out he'll get some more time to bond with her. Men just don't bond to babies the way we do. As she gets older he'll get closer to her, when she starts to interact more and more. Also-- I delegated ONE chore to my fiance (just a little one, trash) and even though it was just a little one it made me feel like I wasn't doing nearly as much.

Maura - posted on 01/02/2010

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Going out by yourself (even just for an hour, sit in a park) is good advice. I also think a good argument is that the baby is your job, not him. You are a mom not a maid. Do the work for the baby, but he can clean his own underwear etc. Maybe you do need to give him some special attention too. Too many women wear sweatpants and let themself go when they have young babies. I realized I was doing this and changed and spruced up before he got home. It made a difference, he seemed to realize it was for him. Since you are both so young, you both have to grow up together. Grown men take responsibility, boys don't. Don't yell and scream, but it is worth fighting for. If you don't, you'll either end up divorced OR doing all the work yourself all the time and complaining about it to your friends for the rest of your life (I know plenty of women who did this and I can't bear to listen to them). Good luck, be persistent, and just let his underwear pile up. LOL

Maria - posted on 12/31/2009

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I agree with Christy. Get some unbiased counseling. You two have a chance to change these patterns that are taking root in your relationship.

Stephanie - posted on 12/30/2009

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almost all men have that weird jeolsey thing most wont admit it though so hopefully he is willing to talk things through with you.

let him know you need him and so does your child-the more he bonds with the child the less jeolous he will feel,and you will have more time to spend with him(buy the way who coddles you??)maybe he shold!!!

Tinna - posted on 12/30/2009

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my man in the army too im 20 he 27 we have a 2 year old the way we have it work is that when he get home he watch the kid for a hour so i will have time to my self and then sat he take her out for few hour and let me really clean the way we work this all out is buy talking to him and telling him what i need and want how i want thing and everything but what really help all this is when he went to iraq for a year and he would set on webcam an see all that i did and why i need help

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

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My husband is also military and he thoguht it would be great for him to take the parental leave and me go back to work so he could get a "break"...he wanted back to work in a week lol. Our son is now 2yrs and we have a 5 month old daughter.

We were warned that the first year of having a child is the hardest and it proved to be true so i am passing on the advise to you. Our relationship is in all honesty is at it's best right now and we have mroe time to ourselves with 2 kids then we had with the one lol...i know weird but it's true. When he gets home he knows i didn't have an easy day...he took 7 months off when we had our first child so he knows how my days are and now with a toddler and a baby he really has no idea. I get out by myself 3 nights a week for about 1.5-2 hours. I go to the gym in our base and my pass costs 10$ a month so it's cheap to do and keeps me sane. The kids are put to bed and then i leave and while i'm gone he plays his video games or whatever he wants to do and when i come home we keep our seperate ways or we snuggle and watch a movie in bed. The best piece of advise was giving to me by my grandmother- If you get mad, go for a walk alone, Don't start a fight.

This one picec of advise saved me a few times from starting a fight over something stupid. When our son-our first born- was 3 weeks old we got in a fight about him not wanting to feed our son so i could get a few hours of sleep, i was nursing but pumped aso he could do a few feeds for me. He didn't want to and it was horriable...i walked out and got in the car(it was too cold to walk anywhere lol) and i went home in an hour more calm. I just went down by the waterfront about 10 minutes from my home and watched the water. I cleared my head and when i went home he was a bit mad still but we were both able to talk calmly and we communicate a lot better.

I had the jealousy over my son when my husband had the time off work to be wiht him and i hated the way it affected our relationship but once he was back to work it helped me a bit more and we did more things as a family. I owned a business from the time my son was 4 months old so i was able to make my schedule and go home when i wanted and it made a big difference when my husbadn went back to wrok and i wanted to get my son early from the sitter to spend more time with him. My son still cries for my husband if he gets hurt even though i'm the one home all day with him but my husband is the "fun and exciting" one and i'm the one that keeps him safe adn food on the table. When my husband gets home he plays more with our son then he does with our daughter but once she gets more active that will change and it doens't bother me at all. I can give my daughter all the attention once my husband is home and every night we change on who put's which child to bed. We have a routine and we stick to it. The more he and me participate as a team the better our relationship is.

If your husband never gets involved he will ALWAYS feel second to your daughter. He needs to get mroe involved or he will regret her milestones. I wasn't here to see our son crawl for the first time. I was working a 14 hours shift and i kick myself in the ass all the time for it. I'm glad i will be able to see my daughter do it for the first time. Trust me, the more he gets involved the better your relationship will be. Even if he feeds her supper while you do dishes or something that needs to be done but you can't get done becuas you have to tend to her will bring his bond closer to her.

Also i know for us-Canadian miliatary- counceling is paid for. They have workshops sometimes, and pay for the childcare while the work shops are taking place or you can go to a private therapist and our coverage pays for it. A friend of mine had to do this as her husband usffered from sever PTSD and it was ruining her and she went to private therapy and it was all covered. Try looking in to your private coverage and see if there is a therapist over where you are that accepts military coverage. There is only one by our base that does.

I wish you luck and kep your head up. The frst year is almost done :) Remember he has to come around on his own terms though so try not to force too much on him at once:)

Rachel - posted on 12/30/2009

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Hubby said the same thing to me until I ended up in the hospital with double pnemonia and he had to take care of our toddler,now I do not hear it anymore.Next time he says that just tell him to do it hisself.

Shasta - posted on 12/30/2009

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You need to remember that a marriage is a partnership and if he dosn't want to be your partner in this marriage that it sounds like to me you have been in alone for a while now then peace out to him. 1 you are not a victom and your not alone either alot of women have the same problem. 2 If you got pregnant while he was home on leave or about to go on leave not only did you go threw the physical body changes alon but also the mental. And that effects the emotional bond between child annd father. 3 you also have to remember the status of maturity if you are both the same age say 23-you are realy-28 in your mind and he-17 five yrs forward for women and five yrs bac wards for men. 4 Dont stress your self out about it. It will not help, remember if its going to work it will if it dosent then it was not ment too.

Abby - posted on 12/28/2009

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hi im 24 n my husbands 26 we have been together for 8 years n married for two n have a 5 year old n a 3 year old, my husband was exactly the same, wanted all the attention n i couldnt give it to him but he soon realised that ( it took a while) but he got there just hang in there cause it will get better, n him not doing anything i think thats just a male thing lol

Emily - posted on 12/28/2009

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My husband and I are at the same point. I am 20 and hes 22 and we have a 3 month old daughter. We are stationed in WA at Ft. Lewis and he just got back from deployment early because of a slight injury. He left before our daughter was born and and came back to having to be a dad. He still expects the attention to be on him and to be able to loaf around...which you cant since the baby is the first priority. The best you can do is talk everything through as it comes up. If it is avoided its like a big cloud. Having an open dialogue is the best way to fight more problems.

Carolee - posted on 12/28/2009

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Okay... this one's a little tricky. You need to talk to him about some very specific things. Why did he want to have kids in the first place? What made him think his life wouldn't change after you two had a child? Why does he need the constant coddling? Did he help out with the house before? Why does he feel he can't do the same thing now? Even if he didn't help before, he needs to now, because you have a full-time job now. Why does he think you don't do anything all day? Is it because he wants to be able to be mad at you? Why does he take his own insicurities out on you?

Finally, ask him to go to counseling with you.



Your husband is just trying to adjust to parenthood. It's a rough adjustment (as you are going through it, too). If you guys talk about it and try to come to some agreement, you can be as happy as you were before. Let him know that if he helps more with the house, you will have that much extra time to be with him. You'll find your compromise. Good luck.

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