"marriage" should I stay or should I go?

Rebecca - posted on 01/19/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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 I will start by saying I am 21 years old my husband "has some years on me" we have been married 3 years... We have two boys together, one 16 months and one 5 weeks old, and he has one that is a teen that lives 12 hrs away! Anyway... More on the problem... He has a lot of background!!! About the only thing I like about him is that he is a good worker and brings home the money and I get to stay at home ,plan to go back to school soon, but anyway and when he finally comes home he plays good with our oldest boy, and loves them like crazy!!!  My question is that I don't know what to do.. I'm not happy with him and don't think I ever will be. I was at one time but all of that is gone! But I love staying home and taking this time in with my boys and if I have to leave I will have to work all the time and go to school!!! And my oldest boy loves his daddy!! I don't want to take him away from his daddy and I don't want to have to share custody if we divorced!! Most of my options say stay, but I'm just not happy and kinda ready to move on with my life.. What's more important moving on, or toughing it out at least until my boy start school? Or spending these moments with my boys and being able to watch them grow? I have been trying to decide for a while!! And I would love other opinions!! Thank you! And sorry so long!!!

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Kristen - posted on 01/19/2013

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If you aren't happy your boys aren't gonna be happy. You deserve what's best for you. Just because you aren't with your husband doesn't mean he is going to be excluded from your children's lives. Just because he is financially set and you get to be a stay at home mommy doesnt mean you have to be miserable. Do what your heart tells you.

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Meg - posted on 04/02/2013

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Make a list of the benefits of staying VS the benefits of leaving. I haven't read all of the posts because they are pretty long, but I do agree with your family that "that's just how men are" I'm having a hard time with my fiance right now and I'm debating whether or not to marry him. I probably will, we have a daughter together and even though he's not prince charming I do love him more often than I don't. I'm a 1st time mom at 43 yrs old and I know that if it weren't for our daughter I would have broken up with him 10 times over. But the truth is, I'm not going to find anyone better. I'm not saying all men are as difficult as my fiance, but the men I date are. It's just one dude after another that are somehow disappointing to me. I've stopped talking to my single friends because their advise is always "leave him, you don't need that sh*t". I now talk to my married friends because their response is always "oh yeah, well listen to what my husband did last week". So, if you leave him, make sure the next guy you date isn't just a carbon copy of the one you have now. Take your time, get to know them and try to find someone different. Otherwise you're just going to end up where you are now, the only difference with be the guys name.

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

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You should try a little longer, for the sake of your 5 month old!

We are similar- I am also 21, I have a 5 month old too, she was born 01 Nov 12, and I couldn't imagine taking her from her father at such a young age. I have 2 older sons as well, and I just couldn't fathom it. But I adore my husband, so... maybe try having a long hard think about why you were attracted to him and why he was the right guy to have babies with. If the spark us gone, try to reignite it, but if it's over, a good clean break is best for everyone.

How long have you been together? I have been with my husband since I was 15, and I know him so well, it's like he's another part of me. Maybe you need to give it time if you weren't together long before you married.

I would give it 6 months at least. If it's over then, don't stay "for the kids". The kids will pick up on the negative atmosphere and it will damage them.

Why don't you want to share custody if you divorce? It's his right as a father and the best thing for your kids.

Rebecca - posted on 01/21/2013

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Thank's for replying. Lindsay, l fell in love with his personality he was always joking and making me laugh, and now all of that gets on my nerves because I will try to talk to him seriously and he comes back with a joke! And we have been out 2 times for a couple of hours (not long because I'm breastfeeding) without the kids and it's been to my dads bar?? And it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't drink but as soon as we walk in my dad hands him a beer! And he walks around and talks to everyone and I sit there alone. And he use to drink ALL the time when I first moved in with him and I fought so hard to get him to stop... And he has slowed down a lot! And another thing I will bring up his that he was just off from work for like 2 or 3 weeks and I thought I may get a little break but no he woke up first thing in the morning and went deer hunting and came home for an hour or two then went back until dark, comes home and plays with our oldest for a min then falls asleep on the couch!! And for the "love life" part I want it apperentley way more than him! And on his birthday the year before last I was working and got him a truck "in my name" and his last birthday " he has been wanting a BAR B Q grill for a while" and I surprised him with that! And on my last birthday I got a "happy birthday" i was so upset that I had went through all of that for him and he didn't even bring me Walmart flowers! A couple days later I cried to him about it because it just hurt my feelings and he showed no remorse and didn't even say sorry to me or "hug" me or anything! See it's the little things that matter too! Anybody I try to talk to about it in my family just says "that's a man for you" and I'm like you I really don't believe in divorces excpesally with two baby's now!

Lindsay - posted on 01/19/2013

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First I would ask you to ask yourself, What are you unhappy about? Loss of intimacy? No appreciation on his part? With a young toddler and newborn, your hands are full right now. Are you getting any downtime when he is home? Is he helpful around the house? Have you guys
Been able to have some alone time, a date night? Although with a five week old I could see that not being doable right now.

After our son was born 8 months ago,DH and I had to have a talk about his helping out more around the house. At the time I was working full time, mom to a three year old and a new baby. I felt like I was running ragged by bed time. I felt as though I was running a marathon every night from the minute I walked in the door from work ; getting dinner cooked, fed, cleaned up, dishwasher loaded, kids baths done, baby fed and put to sleep, older one's teeth brushed,story read and put to bed, then it was back downstairs to get laundry going and any other chores tht needed attending to before I got myself to bed. Now I know this is not anymore than anyone else has to do and many have lots more on their plate. I was not/ am not talking about the amount of work it takes to be a wife and mother. My beef with him was on the nights he was home in time for dinner, he would be sitting on the couch on his IPad, waiting for dinner to be done, he would then eat and go right back to the couch and wait for the kids to be ready for bed so he could give them goodnight kisses an hugs. His reason to me, when I finally confronted him, was I'm tired after work and don't feel like doing anything! UHHHG! If looks could kill.......

Anyways, once we talked about our expectations of one another and what I needed from him, things have gotten a lot better. Now I am a SAHM, so while I don't expect him to do the bulk of cleaning/ cooking. I do still expect him to pick up his stuff, and be apart of the family, which includes dong things for the kids when he is home, and helping out if I am busy. His job takes him away for periods of time, so he needs to be active in their lives when he is here.

If there has not been the opportunity to find some time to just be the two of you I highly suggest doing something like a date night. Even if it is eating dinner once the little ones are down, just to give you two time to have adult conversation. That is one thing we try to do once a month, get the kids to bed and then eat a dinner alone. If we can get out for a night we try, but with him in and out of town so much it can be difficult. I also am still trying to find a babysitter I trust.

Think about the things you fell in love with about him. Communicate with him your feelings. Consider counseling. I don't feel divorce should be a first option, ( outside of abuse).

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