Mom has no back up from dad

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/27/2014 ( 24 moms have responded )

13

0

1

I live with my husband and two sons..16 and 10....my oldest son cannot let me finish a complete sentence before he cuts me off or tells me I'm wrong or don't know what I am talking about....and when I start yelling to make my point the insults start flying...mind you by this point I've said not so nice things ..and my husband just sits there and insteád of calliñg my son down for disrespect my husbañd tells me to shut up. ....I feel like I am the family B--ch! It hurts my feelings .....I don't like hollering but I don't like being laughed at by my 16 yr.old and his dad while they say I'm crazy.husband worries more about the kids feelings than mine

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2014

3,562

36

3907

I didn't say you didn't do things of benefit for your children. But yelling and insulting your child isn't an acceptable ADULT behaviour, besides the fact it is not productive and does not accomplish the outcome you are looking for.

You need to try other things. You know all that running around you do for him and for his great benefit? The ones he enjoys and expects you to do? Stop. Tell him that if this is the way he is going to treat you then maybe he needs to find his own way around because you are his mother not his slave. Remove some of his privileges. But do it CALMLY. Yelling these things at him only escalates the situation. At 16 your son does not yet have the social skills not to react to yelling and name calling - he is still learning. You, on the other hand, should have.

I think you read FAR too much between the lines of my post. You also made many, many assumptions. For starters, you can't read condescending attitude in my post, because it is just words on the internet - and there was nothing condescending about it - I was simply pointing out fact and trying to help. I did know you wouldn't LIKE what I had to say, but I was simply trying to give some advice to you so you could also change YOUR behaviour. Maybe if your behaviour changed, your husband would be willing to get involved (I can't say), but as it stands, I wouldn't want to step in either other than to get you to calm down.

Finally, I HAVE a 16 year old boy. I also work long hours and get frustrated at how unappreciative he can be at times. I am not perfect either by any means, but I do know, as both parent of teens AND a teacher of teens, that yelling at them and name calling, while also inappropriate, is totally ineffective and unproductive and will only escalate a situation beyond where it needs to go. Allowing yourself to get into that cycle of anger will not achieve the outcomes you are looking for.

If you are struggling to react differently, perhaps you should talk to a counsellor about trying to change your behaviour so that you CAN deal with your unappreciative child in a calmer manner. This would be a really positive start for you to make some changes.

Jodi - posted on 05/28/2014

3,562

36

3907

Ok, my comment probably won't be supportive, but will be constructive. you need to stop yelling. You can "make your point" without yelling. Yelling gets you absolutely nowhere. Stop saying things that aren't so nice.

You clearly have an anger issue if you are yelling not nice things to a 16 year old. Exactly what outcome do you expect? You are the adult here. You need to take a step back and learn to address the issue calmly. I can understand why your husband has a problem with the way you are dealing with it. He needs to address it with you in a different manner (telling you to shut up is not appropriate), but yelling and saying horrible things to a 16 year old is also not ok. Stop yelling to make your point. Take a step back and then sit down with your 16 year old when you are calmer to discuss the issue in order to help him be more empathetic to your feelings on being cut off or told you are wrong. It CAN be a discussion without a yelling match.

Shay - posted on 06/01/2014

9

0

0

Traci, it will be a learning process for the 'whole family' to get everyone on the same page as far as better communication and the underlying key which is 'respect'. We are all human and I think your response in saying 'not so nice things' at times is a human response out of frustration - regardless of right or wrong its humanistic. I applaud your honesty in admitting your contribution.

Hard as it may be - you and your husband may want to try couples therapy or counseling to repair the trust and respect issues that are clearly there - between you. You can't trust someone who doesn't have your back and to condone that behavior shows a lack of respect for you (sorry to put it that way). It also unfortunately, teaches the sons to view you and perhaps women the same.

If the two of you can address this with a third person using them as a mediator then you can strategizes how to discipline and communicate with the sons as a team that is unified. If your husband can't get on board with/without counseling then you will forever be on an uphill battle and explain to him that as parents you will be setting them up for problems in their adult lives and interactions with people in positions of authority and possibly with women. Explain to him that the third person is needed because they are impartial and have no vested interest in either of you as individuals, only in you being whole as a couple. He may need to be taught how to respect you and more importantly it has to be addressed why he doesn't and where that stems from. Start with couples therapy, get unified and then bring the kids in for family therapy if possible.

If counseling is not an option then I would also try to seek out resources relative to ODD which is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Don't cast the label on the kids unless it comes from a professional, and I am not in any way implying that this is what the issue is but you can definitely draw from some of the characteristics and strategies used to improve the relationship. Some of those techniques train us as parents to combat disrespect, defiance and confrontation and in turn can help us develop more effective ways to get points across and seek results. Hope this helps and I truly hope it gets better soon. It WILL get better, just hopefully sooner than later for everyone's sake. On some level the frustration is being spread across the board it's just that everyone has their own way of expressing and dealing it.

24 Comments

View replies by

Mommabird - posted on 06/01/2014

280

0

33

I have to add one thing...even though Im sure you already know this.
BE VERY POSITIVE ABOUT HOW YOU APPROACH YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR AND ASKING HIM TO CHANGE IT.
I know from experience a man responds much better to constructive criticism it they don't feel like theyre being attacked or put down. I usually have to approach my husband with words like "I love you very much but I feel a little unappreciated and it hurts." "Could you do me a big favor, I will 'thank you' (wink wink) for it later, Could you be the chauffer today? Im exhausted and just need one day to relax." The response to things like that seem to be very productive

Traci Eleanor - posted on 06/01/2014

13

0

1

I have done nothing but replay the advice given over and over in my mind...and I do beat myself up when I don't react properly ...I don't yell all of the time ..if that's what my posts made readers think...but at times I do feel like its three against one..and when I fear that my family thinks bad of me it doesn't help when I read a post that implies I am a "B--ch! I never said I wanted my husband to leave ....while he may work all of the time ..it's left up to me to handle the boys everything...I just would like some backup when things get out of control...I'm not the enemy and there have been times when my husband admitted that he is the reason the boys don't always respect me...so much of the time my husband wants to be more their friend than a father ....I want to be their friend too but I have to be a parent first..the very first post I placed on this forum happened to be two days after I had fallen and injured my shoulder that happened to already be giving me fits.....and the pain made my tolerance level somewhat less than it should be ...I'm human and it would have been nice if my kids would have acted like they cared if their mom was really hurting physically..when I married my husband I thot we were supposed to be a Team ....I am trying to be a better parent and I take to heart everything I read on here good and bad

Mommabird - posted on 06/01/2014

280

0

33

I feel for you Traci. I have two grown boys from my first marriage and this sounds exactly like my past experience. They are 21 and 23 now and thankfully turned out to be amazing, Im a proud Mom, despite what they went through as kids and being raised for 4 years of teenage years by a single mom! I did go to therapy after leaving their dad. We were together for 11 years and the man just wasn't capable of stepping up to be a DAD. He cussed me, pushed me, degraded me and didn't show me any respect. When he wasn't cussing, pushing or degrading me he was ignoring me. Typical male chauvinist(sp) where he came home from work and sat in his chair with a beer til he was handed his dinner then off to bed. No involvement with the kids besides listening to them argue with me about everything and blaming ME for how they behaved. Through therapy I learned they learned how to treat me by his example. And it was partially my fault because I let him treat me that way..which in turn allowing the kids to treat me that way. When its 3 against 1 you cant win. Turn your self worth up a notch! You sound like you do a lot for your kids and you get no appreciation or respect...why?....Because Dad doesn't give it to you. All children learn by example. Especially boys and their Dad. What son doesn't wana grow up to be like Dad? Dad needs to be a better example and be more involved, support you or at least put in his two cents, My mother gave me great advice when I started dating in school, and I learned the hard way how right she was! HOW A BOY/MAN TREATS HIS MOTHER IS HOW HE WILL TREAT YOU. My ex was rude, disrespectful and sometimes verbally abusive to his mother...and that's how he ended up treating me. Lesson learned. I hope you find a way to bring your family together and support each other. I feel your pain, Ive been there.

Traci Eleanor - posted on 06/01/2014

13

0

1

You obviously didnt read the other posts ..and while Jodi made valid points ..she did see just how overwhelmed I may be.....I'm not the family B---h! But thanks for making me feel like I am...

Ginger - posted on 06/01/2014

9

0

0

Traci, do you realize that you posted on this site to get help?? It sounds to be like this woman (Jodi) is trying to help you. Why are you rejecting her!? She is not one of your sons nor is she your husband... You make me want to say that I can see why your husband doesn't back you up. Maybe he has tried over the years and you blow him off... maybe you are "the family B--ch"! Jodi is right, unless you are willing to work on yourself, things will never change and by your current attitude, I would guess that things will not change unless your husband decides to leave. It is very easy to ask for help and suggestions... the hard part is listening to the responses, believing that you can change your part and actually DO IT!

Jodi - posted on 05/29/2014

3,562

36

3907

Traci, this isn't about whether you are a good or bad person, it really isn't. I understand the getting overwhelmed thing. We all have those days. When I have those days, I just go to my room and have a good cry, believe it or not, that actually helps me calm down and be able to take those deep breaths and count to 10.

Don't feel you are a bad person because there are things you need to change. Yes, your husband could be more supportive. Maybe have a chat to him about that, and even talk to him about how overwhelmed you feel, but only when you are feeling calm and not on the defensive. I know from my experience that any discussion like that with my husband is never productive if I am on the defensive, so I wait until I am calm and able to handle it. If that is difficult for you, that is where a counsellor or mediator could come in. Both of you need to be on the same page, and while he needs to make some changes, so do you, and your changes are the only ones you can control.

I know how some days hurt :) None of us are perfect, and sometimes receiving and objective opinion can be hurtful, but that is not necessarily the intention of the advice. Never see it as an attack on you personally, just an opinion given with the information we have in order to help you look at it from a different light.

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/29/2014

13

0

1

Yesterday I was very defensive about some of the feedback I was getting....we have a lot of different things going on at home ..i get easily overwhelmed and at times it can be chaotic ...and it's hard to always approach the kids or anyone in the proper manner when I feel that everything is out of control ..and I'm trying to maintain a schedule of some kind or some balance ...and i want desperately to be included in their lives ..i feel like their dad is tops in everything and sometimes i feel unappreciated ...and i tell them everyday that i love them and if i said or did anything to hurt them i do go to them face to face and apologize ..I have two wonderful boys that are very different ...,and I love them both ...and with 6.5 years between them it's like having two only children...chandler has this new found freedom driving and dating and he forgets he still answers to his parents ....and poor Morgan is just trying to find his way ...and his troubles in school I'm sure just kill his self esteem...and I'm trying to pick up the pieces but still teach him that we cannot do his work for him ...some things he has to really put forth his efforts if he wants to succeed...we ride the roller coaster of life as I'm sure many do.....and every day isn't always riddled with mayhem....some days just hurt a little more than others ..I am trying to be a better person .....

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/28/2014

13

0

1

First I want to apologize for my sensitivity to today's posts...I am overwhelmed ....I have had my youngest son tested twice tho I think the first time he may have been too young ..and didnt have enuff formal learning under his belt...the second time was in third grade ...they seemed impressed as to how he answered questions and formed sentences and his thoughts..yet each section would say warrants follow up..the only things that they could say without a doubt was that he had anger issues and huge anxiety levels ...both of which we assumed was because when he struggles and things become hard he gets angry and then panics and shuts down..I have an appt coming up to see what we can do to make things better for him ..I always felt there was a disconnect somewhere but no one thus far could put a name on it...when he is pushed he can make A's ..my oldest child was diagnosed with ADHD in the first grade ,,he isn't outwardly hyper ..he just couldn't focus..low dose meds helped him ....but Morgan is the main concern right now ...when he does good he is over the moon happy ..but he has to be pushed ...I just would like to figure this out so he can be happy and confident ..cuz right now he hasn't much confidence ...and he is very smart ....but he isn't the athletic type like a lot of his peers ,and he would rather talk about his interests with friends than the sports they wish to talk about..which makes him seem a little different..and as a mom I worry he will be labeled or made fun of because he isn't like the rest of the boys..he plays well with them but I've been made aware sometimes that he is talked about and that I don't like...I want him to be happy and comfortable just being HIM..

Ashley - posted on 05/28/2014

22

58

2

YOUR YOUNGEST MIGHT HAVE A SERIOUS LEARNING DISABILITY!!!! TAKE HIM IN FOR AN EXAM THAT TESTS THAT KIND OF STUFF!!!! MY MOTHER DID WRONG BY NOT EXAMINING MINE AND NOW THAT ITS TOO LATE I HAVE TO LIVE WITH NOT KNOWING HOW TO DEAL WITH IT AND LEARN THE WAY THAT I SHOULD BE TRYING TO LEARN!!!!!

on the other had it really sounds like you are having a tough time knowing that they are growing up and not your little babies, your little angels anymore
they are growing into young adults and WILL MAKE MISTAKES!!!! people make mistakes for the rest of their lives and you cant go back in time and change them!!!!
take what you got and think clearly this is gonna be the last time i even post but you have to be open to other peoples opinions and options they are trying to give you and if you cant do that there is no point in keeping on checking up on this post you have made

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/28/2014

13

0

1

My boys are sixteen and ten ....they both have always been very respectful of all others especially adults and it hurts me as their mom because i seem to be the only one they have issues with..to know that they laugh and share the sides of themselves I want to see with other people ...and they help others but with my oldest trying to get him to do things at home is impossible and the younger one has just failed fourth grade and me ,my up husband ,my mom ,and his teachers bent over backwards to help him ...and I don't know where I went wrong .....yes I have yelled at my youngest because of constant lieing about school work ....I have tried to give my youngest the benefit of the doubt and take him at his word when he says he doesn't have homework ...because I leave work and pick him up from school and take him to my mom and she oversees him getting school work done while I go back to work ...and many times he may have done some of the work but neglected to do all of the work because all assignments were not going to be found in his agenda..we are all worn out...my oldest drives and he has gotten a little too confident at times and while he is a good kid when I get home at night and he walks in if I say anything that he doesn't want to hear an argument erupts...and my husbands answer for it all is to shut me up...some other people in this forum would have the world to believe I am a raging idiot....that my family rather wont interact with because of my temper...but when you use tact and empathy to get results most times they turn a deaf ear to it and do as they please ...I want them to be confident ,successful people one day and I do know they are caring individuals with big hearts ....but we all have to do things in life that we don't like and the school systems these days require so much and the kids just don't have a choice if they want to succeed in anything in life..

Vanessa - posted on 05/28/2014

82

12

14

You need to have a sit down serious talk with your husband. Clearly he doesn't respect you, which is obviously why you're sons don't. Awful. It's time for your husband to step up, and give you a little relief. When a father is in the house, the discipline of two older boys should not fall completely on a mothers shoulders. Boys need their Dad's to lean- in more. Sixteen year old boys can be every bit as big and strong as a grown man, and this sounds like trouble. Boys emulate their Dad. Not only is your husband doing a disservice to you, but also to his sons. I wouldn't want my daughter dating a boy who didn't respect women, and that sounds like where this is heading.
So, I say, rather than standing up to your sons, stand up to your husband, in privacy of course. If he won't budge, perhaps you need to find help outside, with family members who could talk to him.
I would take this very seriously. Is counseling an option? But first thing, you better let you husband know this is serious and you're not going to put up with it.
And another way to look at it, if you're the matriarch of this house, then Daddy might have to find another temporary home until he realizes you're serious about having a father in the house rather than another boy.
He might need a little discipline as well, to remind him how fathers are suppose to act.

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/28/2014

13

0

1

I might add that if I change which I have done a lot of ,then it allows them to roll right over Me and therefore they will never be accountable for Their own actions because yet again someone saw me to be the problem .....oh and I went to counseling for other reasons and spent a year and a half on Prozac ...and 30+pounds later and somewhat emotionless on every level....they actually thought I took it so they could tolerate me ...you are right I'm not the Slave .... When I was on the medicine They did as they always did ,husband too....only difference was I no longer cared...because I was tired of being the bad guy ... And if you want to know the secret behind the anger..come on down to South Georgia and I will fill you in on the last 26 years...I deal with people every day and am well liked and not because a patronize anyone ..either ...oh and I spent years and years with my mouth shut and keeping my opinions to myself ..but when I got pregnant with my oldest I grew a backbone ...because if I couldn't standup for myself ,how was I going to be able to nurture and teach my own kids to be good people and to have boundaries and morals and to be accountable.....thus far ...I am the only person that has had to own the way I react to anything....while the rest of the house merrily rolls along .

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/28/2014

13

0

1

Well MIss Jodi .. While you make a great point ,condescending attitudes and comments from a sixteen year old is where the upturn in my voice comes from...having said that ...YOU don't know the full scope of things because YOU are not a fly on the wall in our home ...nor do YOU know what things have been said to me by the kids nor do you know that which I do do that is of great benefit to both my kids and without much support from Dad.....if it was a perfect world All of us would rather act like JUNE CLEAVER All sweetness and light ...but I do the very best I can by my kids and I WORK TOO....some days long hours and I juggle work and their schedules so that I ...ME. Their MOTHER can be there to support them at games, programs ,special events ,..teacher meetings ,open houses, etc.etc. and I do this BY MYSELF ... I'm not even sure If my husband would know where to go or what to do....so having seen that you too have a hawty attitude ....one day you just might walk in my shoes .....I'm not an ogre that loves to spew venom,towards my biggest accomplishments my boys....I LOVE THEM....Oh I might add that at least I was honest about my actions where as some parents would rather act one way at home and then fool the outside world into believing that their temperament was nothing more than even keeled All the time ....I'm human and tho I may be a parent I didn't stop having feelings the moment I gave birth....nor did I put my armor on to shield me from some of the things the kids would say to me either ....I'm not an idiot and if I didnt already think that maybe I could have reacted differently I wouldn't have posted a word....I learned a long long time ago that when you throw too many stones at others for their ways ...that at some point you may face some of the same circumstances and then let's see how well you come out....and will you own it?

Ashley - posted on 05/27/2014

22

58

2

ton of times it will always suck to have to be that person and yea i yell at my son too and yea i hated my mom yelling at me too but sometimes you cant really help it especially when you grow up with it
if you need more help than what i can give you maybe try a book if you haven't already or talking to a counselor
i can only give you as much advice as you will take, especially as a stranger
have you ever watch the world strictest parents or anything like that?

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/27/2014

13

0

1

Ya know when I was a teen I hated for my mom to yell at me ..but I see now that while she was a divorced Woman with two kids living with her and her ex husband their father living 3000 miles away ..she may have been dealing with Things that she kept to herself and at times my brôthér and me may have pushed her to that place of yelling....I used to become a nervous wreck when she would do that.....and I hate for my kids to think I am a raging idiot...I have a huge heart and am my boys biggest fan and supporter. But I don't try to paint either of them saints ..it just hurts that the ones that I feel should be more compassionate and easier to reason with aren't...I love my boys. They are my biggest accomplishment..I'm not the enemy....

Ashley - posted on 05/27/2014

22

58

2

if i could give you a million hugs, i would! have you thought about or done stuff just for yourself? sometimes that really helps, when my mom had a break up with a boyfriend she really loved i told her to go find a hobby which was a bowling league and she still does that till this day even with the guy that was broken up with. they are together and again and going good
but thats not just with break up its stress relieving and just good to do stuff not only for the kids but yourself
but also think back when you were 16, just think of well what were the things that i was the biggest pain in a** about?
give them a little bit of privacy and make sure to teach them about the dangers of internet, sex, sexting, but all you really can do is hope with all your heart that they do not do the opposite of what you inform them about
teen are a hard thing and i'm pretty darn scared for when my son turns those ages
you may or may not take me seriously, after i tell you this, but thats your choice
i'm only 22 i have 4 year old, i know its not gonna get any easier when he's growing up and i have a baby on the way that will be born after my son has turned 5
but i do know that my advice can sometimes help

and you really do need to talk to your husband about discipline and the kids but also yelling at the kids is also what they hear it as, BLAH BLAH BLAh, yea my mom tell me that all the time but i don't care, i don't have to listen to that most kids have to learn the hard way and all we can do is hope that they don't have to learn it that way and that they just believe what we tell them

Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/27/2014

13

0

1

I am a hairstylist ,my hours are different daily ..somewhat unorthodox .never 9-5..at times I spend a lot of time with my oldest child .he has played baseball since the age of 8 I think ..we've spent time together a lot ...I rarely missed a practice or a game .i always try to go since I'm usually the only one that ever goes to support him..his dad farms for my father-in-law....and seldom asks to leave work to watch Chandler play...my youngest has played baseball but his grades in school became terrible so I didn't push playing this year...Morgan isn't the athlete his big brother is and I have tried to see if he wants to do something else but all he interested in is video games and I took them away bcuz of failing grades.....I don't get to spend as much time with my Morgan becuz of work and supporting Chandler...but when we are together he is sedentary...lazy....sometimes we do go on Me n Mo dates out to eat or to the movies....but my point is I deal with everything school related and sports and my husband doesn't back me up when it comes to discipline....he is passive. And I am 48 and Keith is 52... I am a people person and he is used to being by himself and away from what goes on and HE LIKES IT THAT WAY!So when stuff has to be dealt with or if I say anythin I get cut off or when I lose my cool they just tell me I'm crazy..dad doesn't see why I get bent out of shape ...I want to get to experience the fun side of them all but I don't....bcuz they want to just come and go and me run and fetch....and when they don't like sômething I said or told them to do ...I suddenly become THE PROBLEM..they exclude me from conversations if I found out anything I usually get wind of it from my friends ....I feel like the outsider in my own home. And I lòve my family...and you would think that I would get props for what I do do ..but dad gets the glory and he is never present when it matters.

Ashley - posted on 05/27/2014

22

58

2

oh and about your husband if he keeps that stuff up it almost might be considering about re-evaluating your relationship with him and maybe even therapy if you dont want to fight and argue constantly about this situation also if it arises to arguing then tell him you need to go for a walk or be by yourself to cool down (it really does help) sometimes even a couple days apart from each other that or go out and have some fun
cause one way or another it will help
if you guys are around each other all the time and don't really talk about each others life its hard on anyone to live with and love someone and not know anything about them anymore

Ashley - posted on 05/27/2014

22

58

2

definitely should try to talk to your husband if you haven't already because he is supposed to be helping discipline your children and the older sons attitude is gonna reflect on the younger one
and sooner or later the younger one might be acting out
how close are you to your kids? do you work too much? or are you around them most of the time?
do you take away the items they care about? does he have a cell phone?
or play games or have a hobby? ground him and also try saying you are grounded before you start getting too upset saying something you don't mean cause you will actually mean your grounded and also if you take things away find the best hiding spot like grandmas house or anywhere not at home that you can think of
oh also about a cell phone too but i know its kinda hard to take that away cause you always want to know where you baby is but it will get him to come to you for mostly wanting it back but then you can dicipline him and if he starts being a bad mouth of insults take more away and tell him you can and will take everything he has ever gotten away one by one

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms