Mother and sister in-law problems

Carolynn - posted on 03/09/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Having problems with my mother in-law and sister in-law. They have been trouble for ten years now. They talk behind my back to my husband ,talk in polish so that I don't know what they are saying and my mother in-law has said on many occasions that it's my fault that my son has learning disabilities because I drank soda once in a while when I was pregnant. My husbands sister is a real gem too. She makes three times as much money as my husband but yet makes my husband do everything for the family and seems to think its ok. I was finally fed up and wrote an email to my husbands mother and they did not appreciate it at all and also got my husband to side with them too. I am so hurt that my husband thinks its ok for the both of them to put me down !!!! It has really put a strain on our marriage and I don't know what to do.Does anyone have any advice????

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Nancy - posted on 05/14/2014

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Hi,

I too have an absolutely despicable mother in law, sister in law (and aunt-in law). These three witches (enter Macbeth) bicker amongst each other (over money and sheer competition/jealousy over one another) and have nonstop arguments, which they call my husband at 12 am (midnight, literally) to mediate. They are sadly, very senseless and childish. The mother in law and sister in law control their husbands and my husband with money. The three of them talk about me behind my back (complete and utter lies, just to create friction between us - ie. when my husband used to cook for me and I used to cook for him - they told him to stop and let me do all the cooking for him; when I was sick and hospitalized, he took care of me - they got so incredibly jealous and told him that I was not really sick and to stop worrying about me so much, etc. Their jealousy and lies drove such a wedge between us for a while) and judge me for things that they don't do as wives themselves (ie. mother in law got so pissed that we didn't live in her apartment after marriage - so she moved in next door to us; then she complains to all her friends about how she could not stay in the same apartment as us - then she constantly tries to manipulate her son into doing things for her by feigning sickness (she also denied him the right to visit my parents because she is insanely jealous my husband will love my mom equally or more than her) - when we are genuinely happy - she cannot take it and has to send some type of message that wives are not good people to my husband (we sent her photos of us on vacation - and she immediately "Accidentally" sent my husband a joke that wives are bad and disloyal people; her own husband lives in another country and she does not live with her mother in law, yet she judges me for not living with her - this could explain why she has her son wrapped around her little finger for her own personal benefit (they control him with one thing - money - he still has financial ties with them)...the sister in law is the hitler of all times and a psychotic brat who always has to get her way - you should see how everyone walks on eggshells around her - so afraid she will blow up if they speak their minds or disagree with her - she's indeed bipolar and narcissistic and an absolute phony) - she actually reports the most minor things about her husband to my spouse - to "punish" him - the "aunt" - she's the sister in laws side kick - these three are as crafty and conniving as it gets - unfortunately my mother never raised me to be manipulative or conniving like these witches - it was only after marriage I realized what true *itches are. I am in love with my husband - although he never stands up for me in fear of these psychotic women. He tells me that they are all crazy but he is too afraid to stand up to them. It's a horrible existence - you end up feeling alone and depressed. However, keep in mind that the goal of these three witches (in my case), is to break up your marriage - let's not give them the satisfaction. On the flip side, when you leave a mama's boy is the only time he learns. The choice is up to you. Try to move and stay as far away from them as possible - but in my case - they won't allow it. tThere is so much more to this story. I hope women who are yet unmarried RUN away from mamas boys. Those already stuck like myself - hang in there...

Sarah - posted on 03/15/2013

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Wow, that was like reading my own thoughts for a moment there. i want you to know that you are by no means alone in this, I too have problems with my mother in law and sister in law! My partner is by no means helpful in the matter, he chooses to dismiss everything or gives the answer "that's how they are, you just have to put up with it"
In all honesty I became an insecure nervous wreck and paranoid that all my movements were scrutinised by their beady eyes. I soon learned the hard way that no matter what I say or do, it's always going to be wrong...I felt very disheartened for a long time and stressed over every little comment they had ever made about me or to me. I try not to let it overwhelm me any more, they are simply not worth my tears.
I have chosen to put up with it for the love of my partner and our family. This by no means makes it right nor means I accept their cruel treatment of me...but I have decided that my relationship is worth the crap.
My advice would be to talk to your husband about it in all seriousness, if things are still bad then you need to make the decision yourself...is your relationship worth all of it? This is not an easy decision I know, but it may be one you will have to make if your husband refuses to help.
I chose to stay and I find that being overly nice and sweet all the time is the best way to get back at my in-laws. I get great satisfaction from seeing them positively fuming when their attempts to upset me fail. Like water off a ducks back. But the choice is upto you.

Michelle - posted on 03/10/2013

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Tell your husband that he CHOSE to marry you, not his family and if he's going to agree with the way they treat you then he should live with them.

I personally wouldn't put up with my husband condoning the negative actions of anyone against me, even if it was his family. He needs too grow a backbone and stand up for you.

Jan - posted on 03/14/2013

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Oh hun, I went through in-law hatred too.
You have to talk to your husband about it, he needs to be on your side, like Michelle said, he chose to marry you. You are his new family. He needs to know his priorities.

Here's my story, in case you're interested...
My husband married me without telling his mom, dad, and sisters because he KNEW they'd be a problem during the wedding. I insisted that he told them about it, but he refused. We got married and moved closer to his family. When we got together (which happened about three times a week because they said so), all they could do was bash on me. The dad made fun of my ethnicity, the mom didn't like that I was a different religion, the sister is very vain, and she hated that I was thinner than her (freaking petty if you ask me), and the other sister just went with what everyone else said. After 9 months of putting up with their ish three times a week, I had had enough. They wanted to force us to visit during ALL holidays even though they didn't like me. I assisted Thanksgiving, a few hours on Christmas, but refused to go for New Years. My husband decided to stay with me (fortunately) and on NY Eve, his mother kept sending him hateful emails and texts. I could not believe it. I told him to stop reading them and to have fun (we invited his friends over to celebrate the new year with us). The next day, my husband and I sat down to write an email back, and since she is very religious, we cited the Bible in several occasions. We got no reply back and she went on to tell his (my husband's) entire family (grandparents, sisters, father, cousins, etc), that we had sent her a very offensive and disrespectful email. I would never, EVER disrespect anyone, because I was brought up to respect my elders and to treat others as I want to be treated. I, unfortunately, have lost the respect of his family because of that lie, and we haven't talked to his parents and sisters for 10 years. We now have three kids that do not know his side of the family. Pretty sad if you ask me.

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Keri - posted on 03/17/2013

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Family turmoil is the worst. Has your husband known about this all along? If not, the email was probably the wrong move - at least until you got your husband up to speed on what was happening, how you felt about it, etc. He could have stood up for you when you sent it and been able to agree that it was the right thing, but some guys are just oblivious to the way their family treats their spouse. Just like you should think before you talk or act, you should think before you hit the "send" button. My husband and I had a very hard time with his aunts on his father's side. Without going into it, we'll say they knew best and were never swayed in the thinking that maybe someone else was right, but it was the hurtful emails and phone calls we got when we didn't conduct ourselves and our lives in the way they saw fit. Since they were my husband's family I let him deal with most of it because they're his family and also because they never addressed me directly so I gave them tit for tat and never addressed them directly either. Whenever they sent one of those emails, I'd open it - notice what it was about, and immediately delete it before even looking at the rest of it because I knew it was just the hot air they kept blowing around about us and how bad of an example of living life that we were. Now, we have absolutely no relationship with the two women who live within 30 miles of us and have never been closer to the family that lives over 1800 miles away. I hope your relationship doesn't get to this point because your child(ren) should be able to have every living family memeber as a part of their lives in some capacity. I don't think I'll ever let them near my son or any other child we may have even if through some miracle we were able to mend our relationship.

Carolynn - posted on 03/14/2013

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Thank you both for your opinions. I believe you both have great points. I just wish my husband could see it the same way. I just hate how they can just manipulate the situation with him. I really think I am going to ask him to go to marriage counseling. Maybe someone else can explain how I'm feeling. :(

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