My daughter is in distress over visitations with her father Advice pleaseAsk a Question!

Adrianne - posted on 02/22/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My daughter is just turned five and is schedules to see her father the 1st 3rd and every other 5th weekend of the month. She never wants to go cries begs and pleads not to go. She has a hard time explaining why and I have a hard time communicating the issues with her because I do not want to put words in her mouth.







I spend a lot of time encouraging her to have fun and enjoy herself and coaching and prepping her to be happy about it but I am truly unaware of what she is faced with. The other children in the home younger sister , brother and older step brother seem happy healthy and well cared for so I do not think she is in danger, but I do not think that she is treated and a true equal part of the home.







There is a huge lack of bond with her father he forfeits the first and every other 5th weekend of seeing her due to the fact that he does not want to drive 2 hours to pick her up. He is in school until 5:30 on Friday and says that if he came to pick her up on those weekends it would take his whole day. This also makes the driving my responsibility and it cost me money. Between visit there is no communication between father and child though I have nagged to the point where I am not going to say anything anymore for him to give her a call once in awhile. They complain that they don't get to see her enough but are unwilling to sacrifice there time. It is ok for him to skip out on his drive but I dont have a choice.







How can I help my child who has no choice the parenting plan is set through the court be ok and happy going and coming home for these visits. What should I do about a father that is more into himself and his life than what is going on with his child. I can not make the bond and I don't think a 5 year old should have to emotional seek or be force into it.

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RicaMarie - posted on 02/23/2010

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I am in the same boat. My son didnt have contact with his father for 6 yrs until a month ago and now he tells his father what he thinks he wants to hear instead of the truth. the only time my son wants to go see his father is when he is mad at me. other then that he didnt even want him to be his father. in my case things happened that caused my son to feel the way he does when he was your daughters age. my son has been in counseling since he was 5 and on tons of meds to help with the behavior. before you get the behaviors like i have take your daughter to a counsler and find out what is going on. i know for a fact in most states its the other parents responsiblity to pick up and drop off the child! look at your papers and see if its the same for you and if it is MAKE HIM WASTE HIS GAS! AND MONEY! stop being so nice like i was and wasteing your money. if he wants to see her that bad then he will drive to get her. but if you find out something is going on there in the other home then the counsler will help you stop visits and or make it supervised so you daughter is safe! good luck and if you need someone to talk to im always around.

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I think you should speak to your ex find out whats happening there. Try to find out what making her feel unconfortable there and if nothing is forthcoming from your daughter and ex then i would consider stopping contact for a while. I wouldnt force my children to be around anyone they are not happy to be with even their own father.

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

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Aww sweetie, I totally know how you feel about this. I am in a similar situation, or was. My 2 boys' have a different father than my daughter, and they often feel the same way. He gets them every Saturday night and brings them back home the next evening. So he sees them once a week. However, he comes to pick them up and bring them home, because it is HIS visitation, and if he wants to visit with them, it is his responsibility to come to them. Every now and then if he asks me to bring them or drop them off, I will, so long as it's not a habit of asking all the time.



Their father has a new wife and a new family who does get a lot more attention than the boys' do, I think just because they live there and the boys' don't. They have a lot more privledges than the boys' do too. My boys' even have an early bed time on a Saturday night at his house, which I don't understand, but not my home.



When the boys' were a lot younger, I went through the same thing, nagging him to call them, to get them one afternoon during the week, when I know he has the day off, and etc. I gave up after while. There is no getting through to them, and there is no changing their minds. They are selfish and only care about themselves and their new families, even though they act like they are trying to be a great dad. It's just simply not the case. You can't make or force them to care more, or show more love and affection no matter how hard you try.



I know it's hard on kids', but after a few years, my boys' are now almost 6 and 8, and they are old enough and smart enough to realize that he only wants to see them when it's convenient for him. There are a lot of times when the kids still don't want to go, but I always tell them that they'll be ok, and I will see them very soon.



Something that you can try, without fishing for information, is when you are not talking about visitation, try sitting her down, and just telling her that if there is anything that she ever wants to tell you, that she can always come to you no matter what it is, and you will never get mad at her. Even if she feels like she might have done something wrong, that she can trust you and you can help her fix it together. Tell her that you're like her best friend, and if she ever ever wants to talk to you about something, even a secret, that you'll be there to listen.



This will lay down a foundation, that she can relate to anything she may want to get off her chest. Who knows, maybe they are badmouthing you in front of her. Maybe they are treating her like an outcast. Or maybe she just doesn't know him well enough, based on a couple days a month? I don't know, just throwing suggestions :)



But yes, try talking to her about the trust thing... You'll be surprised at the things she starts telling you, lol...Even if they're just silly =)



Hope this helps you. It's so hard for kids to go through this.

Nicole - posted on 02/22/2010

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Why do you have to drive her? He is not seeing her on all of his days so HE is not following the court order. I feel so bad for you AND your little one. My girlfriend was in the same position so I feel for you.

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i would speak to the father of your child.you seem to be very willing and encouraging about your daughter spending time with her dad which is nice to hear.just tell him you are worried about your daughter and go from there.you both love her and this is a big step for a five year old being away from you.having to adjust to her other siblings etc.



its not fair to have a child in any home were there is lack of communication and normal interaction.i understand its his right both there right to see each other but your daughter should be happy and treated like the rest of the children and not feel in anyway different.i would also speak to whom ever sorts the parenting plan or visitation is it through the court?bring your concerns for your daughter to them.

Kristi - posted on 02/22/2010

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Wow! This is a tough one! Have you ever thought of going into some sort of counseling? I know it sounds weird, being that you and your ex are already separated. But maybe a professional can help answer some questions that you have. This sounds almost like what my father-in-law was like while my husband and his brothers were growing up. My father-in-law has been in a couple of different marriages and it always seemed to his sons like he was treating his wife's kids better than he treated them. It was cause for a lot of drama (that I'm happy I didn't witness first hand). It can be hard on kids and could be the reason your daughter puts up such a fight when she has to go visit with your ex.

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

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Honestly, if you have a half way meeting place, I would call him, tell him what time you will be there, and give him a 15-30 minute window. If he doesn't show, then turn around and go back home. Maybe it will teach him to be on time, and that you'renot a doormat and your life does not revolve around his life.

Adrianne - posted on 02/22/2010

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Our driving arrangment is that he do the driving on the first and I do it on the 3rd so only we each only have to do the driving once a month and every other fifth. There is a middle place town but he is always late and you can not count on him to tell the truth as to what time he will be there how far away he is so on. So this is how I get stuck with all the driving. 2 hours there 2 hours back on a Friday and 2 hours there and 2 hours back on a sunday.

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