my husband is getting a vasectomy, he doesnt want more children and I do,what should i do?

Katherine - posted on 01/11/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )




I have three boys and I want to try again for a girl. not now but sometime in the future. My husband says he is finised with having children, he absoloutly does not want any more. Do I just respect his decision and deal with it?


Stacey - posted on 03/19/2012




IUDs are a long term solution but they come with risks. Did you talk to him about that possibility? Would you be willing to go on long term birth control in hopes that someday he may change his mind? I'm in the same boat as you, kind of. DH wants a vasectomy but I told him no. He has to compromise with me so I am on the pill, and I'm very careful about it. We only have 2 kids though, and he's made it clear he's done. I thought I was pregnant this month, but I got AF, and was freaking out about telling DH. He took it well, surprisingly. It honestly made me wonder to myself if it's worth risking potential problems in our marriage to have another baby(when one of us is clearly done). I am still going back and forth on telling him to get a vasectomy or not. I want another one, but not to the extent of losing my husband, or have him feel like he's done something unwillingly, ya know?

Amanda - posted on 03/19/2012




I have personally been through this and highly recommend you look in to another form of birthcontrol. My husband had a vasectomy about six years ago knowing I wanted the possibility of more children in the future but he felt he was absolutely done. We have two great kids that are our world. Even though we have a pretty great marriage this is the one subject that still causes great pain. A vasectomy reversal is very expensive costing between $6-$15k out of pocket since most insurance companies do not cover it. Also, sperm retraction can be even more expensive and the woman usually has to do IVF. My husband's inability to have more children has never stopped me from wanting more. When one person wants more children and the other does not how do you compromise? My husband and I are proof that people and views change. He is now open to the potential of adoption and we are in the process of researching and having a homestudy. This too is a costly venture which could have been avoided. I'm happy my husband has seen the situation finally through my eyes and is excited about the adoption. At this point it's not about having a biological child but giving another child a good home together. Even though our situation is working out for the good I hope our story helps prevent anyone from going through the pain and stress we went through.

Candy - posted on 01/11/2011




It is SO hard when you want more and he doesnt. Boy do I know. I wanted one more so we could try for a boy but Hubby said NO. He was more concerned about the money side of having children then the not wanting any. We agreed to just use condoms and if it happened it happened. Of coure it didnt.Then I had medical condition come up and I HAD to have a partial Hestor. I am still grieving for the son I will now never have. Try to talk to him. If he is dead set against it. I know it is hard but your marriage will suffer if you dont let it go. It is a long hard road but I know I will get through it and so can you. You have to remember the three boys you have and maybe some day a beautiful granddaughter will be in your future.Let yourself be sad,mad,tried and then get over it for your sake your kids sake and your marriage sake. God bless and Good Luck.

Amanda - posted on 01/14/2011




Having children should never be one parent's soul choice. That being said, have you thought about your reasons for wanting another child? Is it solely to have a daughter? Does this seem like a fair reason to have a child? Have you and your husband discussed why he doesn't want a fourth and you do? I am not attacking you; I am just trying to offer some food for thought.

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2011




I would say that your marriage is more important so you will need to respect his decision...He could always have a change of heart later, and the surgery is usually reversible. I know it must be hard...try talking about.

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Tabitha - posted on 03/19/2012




Even though it's his body, it's not just HIS family or HIS marriage. There are less permanent ways to keep from getting pregnant, you two should discuss these instead for now.

Bonnie - posted on 01/14/2011




Katherine, I know how you feel except my situation is slightly different. I have 2 boys ages 2 and 4 and I would like one more baby (that is it). First my husband said no, then he said maybe we will wait a bit. Now he just keeps putting it off, but he will not go for a vesectomy just yet. I will be talking with him again very soon. People keep on telling me, be happy that you have two beautiful healthy boys. Which is very true. I know it is difficult when you have your heart set on something. It's tough to get through no matter how hard you try. I have wanted a baby girl for as long as I can remember, but I know that if we were to have a third child and if it turned out to be a boy, I would love him just as much as I do my other two boys. I think some men think, oh well we have this many boys already if the next one is a boy, she will likely want to try again and again, but there is only so many times you can do that. Good luck whatever happens.

Katherine - posted on 01/14/2011




wanting to have a girl is one reason not the only reason, of course Id love to have a little girl but if I had another little boy I would be just as happy all my life I have wanted four children. If its not in the cards it wont happen. I am happy with the family I have now, but I would love to have another. Does that make sense?

Sammie - posted on 01/13/2011




This is a decision that needs to be made jointly I feel. I am only 22, but given my pregnancy history with my first, and then having a very hard second pregnancy, we sat down and had this discussion. Neither of us want anymore, it would be too risky to me and we feel we can comfortably give 2 children everything we want, a third would be pushing it. So hubby offered to have a vasectomy. He is 28. I contemplated this for a day and came back to him and told him I didn't want him to do it. My reasoning? If we were to split and he met someone else, what if he wanted kids with that person? (we are getting married this year so I hope this never happens, but I'm being realistic!). I know, even if we split, I wouldn't put my own health at risk for another child. They won't tie my tubes however. I have to wait 5 years. I guess, with all my rambling, what I'm trying to say is it needs to be a decision you reach together, perhaps look at alternative contraceptive methods etc. I understand that you have a longing for more children, but that said, I also find it somewhat selfish (please don't take offence) that your reasoning is only because you want a girl. What happens if you push hubby and you finally have another baby and it's a boy? I think much more thought should go into the decision to have another child, if and when you do.

I hope you guys sort this out :)

[deleted account]

i want my husband to get one done, we have a girl and a boy and neither one of us really want any more children. things may change in the future, but then we will adopt if i really want another child later in life.

Mabel - posted on 01/13/2011




I see it from the other side.I actually told my husband(who wanted 5-6 kids)that when he got prego then we would have another baby.I told him if he got a mistress and got he prego and then we got divorced he could have one more but it wouldn't be with me.I feel like my son is all I can handle and I don't want anymore.

Bobbi - posted on 01/13/2011




I feel your pain! My husband doesnt want any more children but I do, we have 2 children and are 24, after my second was born he was insistant he was getting one done, and I put my foot down. not saying thats what you should do, but if you could express how unhappy you are with it and that you could go on an IUD that might help. I've seen a few posts about your marriage being important, which is also true but he has to look at it the same way, is this going to hurt your relationship because you want another and he has limited you, all feelings should be thought of, not just one side. I would express your feelings to him and try and get him to understand your side, a good point to make to him is that while yes they can be reversed, reversals are not always successful and it also costs a lot of money.

Katherine - posted on 01/13/2011




thanks for all your posts....he wont budge, I wish he would just wait. I think we are too young to make a decision like that. thats why i didnt get my tubes tied. my ob told me if money is the reason dont do it because money situations change all the time who knows what will happen 5 years from now. oh well

Laura - posted on 01/11/2011




I'm due with my third boy in Feb. I don't think I want to have another one but I won't get a tubal because I don't like having the option taken away. I just figured if I really wanted a girl I would adopt so I would for sure get one :) Vasectomies can be reversed or like Nikkole said there are other options to get pregnant again. It's just something that you have to decide together. Good luck

Nikkole - posted on 01/11/2011




My husbands friend had one done and his wife decided she wanted to get pregnant again so instead of trying to reverse it they took a long needle and went i through his urethra i think and somehow got sperm out and injected into his wife so i would just go with him to the consultation before he got the vasectomy and ask them if there are ways to get pregnant again. My husband just had a vasectomy but we decided if we wanted anymore we would just adopt. good luck

Liz - posted on 01/11/2011




Have you tried talking to him about this? If so then weigh what he says, and calmly explain your reasoning. Perhaps suggest something less drastic like maybe you get the IUD, and then both of you will have time to consider another child in the future, without doing something quite so perminant. Also I know it isn't the same, but if he does go through with this and you're able to change his mind there is also always the adoption idea as well.

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