My husband makes me feel worthless

Shohana - posted on 02/10/2013 ( 21 moms have responded )

3

0

1

I honestly dont know where to begin. Im so sick and tired of my husband putting me down and saying im lazy, all i do is cook, im dirty, i lack discipline. When he comes home from work and things arent clean to his standards he asks me what have i done all day? To give a little background, we have a 2 year old son, and i am 10 weeks pregnant. My husband is in the military, and has been a clean freak and very disciplined all his life. On the other hand, im kind of the opposite of him in that aspect. Ive always been an independent working girl, but never fond of house chores, but i never keep anything looking like a pig sty or a hoarder. Its been rough for me to switch from independent working girl to stay at home mom and housewife. I never thought id be in this position. Ive come to accept my role, however and i do the best i can. I take care of our son, i make sure hes fed, i dont have a chore schedule, i just do things when i get to them. But dinner is always cooked and i do the best i can. Things are never to his standards. i have more energy some days than others. Before i got pregnant again i had so much energy and everything was spic and span. Lately the pregnant fatigue has gotten to me and i haven't been doing as much.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sally - posted on 02/19/2013

963

14

9

You can talk until you are blue in the face, but they don't get it until they live it. On his next day off, you play "work". Leave your little one and disappear for 8-10 hours. (Do something fun and relaxing that you can't do with kids like getting a massage or visiting a salon.) Leave your phone off while you're gone. (It will be the longest 8-10 hours of your life because you'll be afraid he's neglecting your child, but it has to be done.) When you come home, pitch a fit over every single detail he left undone. When he whines about how hard it was, remind him that he expects you to do it non stop 24/7 and claims that you "didn't do anything all day". If it were really so easy, he'd have been able to do it.
If that doesn't shut him up nothing will.
Good luck

Kristin - posted on 02/28/2013

21

0

3

Oh hun! Wish I could give you a HUG! Your situation reminds me of mine a few years back. My husband and I had a 2 and a half year old son and I was pregnant with our daughter. The pregnancy with my daughter hit me real bad the whole first trimester and a little into the second. I was SICK and TIRED! Literally. My husband would get home from work and my stomach would just turn. I wasn't relieved to see him at all. The sight of him made me ill. The house got bad but it wasn't due to laziness. Sometimes us preggo mamas get sick. I had my sister come over at least once to help clean and she was great. I wish I would have had her over more now that i think about it. Do you have a friend you can ask to come over and clean once a week? Sometimes I think that men go through the pregnancy with women in different ways. When I was pregnant with our first child my husband gained 20 pounds. With our second he was MOODY. So so so selfish as well. I did not enjoy the pregnancy at all and is a major reason why we aren't having anymore. So maybe he's having sympathy mood swings? I know cleaning is not fun but ultimately with you being home the majority of the time it is understandable you will be doing most of it. Just like we expect our hubands to go to work and do their job and bring home the money, they expect us to do our job. And I would say that is fair. Do you like music? I know I feel really motivated when I'm listening to a really jammin' song. I move real fast around the house and things get done so much quicker. Maybe when your son is in bed, dinner is cleaned up and neither of you are too tired and there are no distractions in the house you could sit down with your husband and talk about how you are feeling. And he can talk about how he is feeling. It can't be just one person's way. You both need to compromise on what YOU think and what HE thinks should be done everyday. Maybe even talk about this being the last baby. My husband had a vasectomy 3 months after our daughter was born and I can honestly tell you 4 years later I do not regret it. I really think two was our number. I know this is tough for you and your husband going through all the changes a pregnancy brings but it will pass. Just do your best and hopefully your husband does his, to be understanding of one another. Also if you have netflix or look on youtube I highly recommend both of you watch Nanny 911 together with each other. It shows the spouses and how they talk to each other and could be a wake up call to you both. It sounds like you're doing a good job transitioning from being independent to mom and wife stuff. It takes time and I will tell you what...I've been married 10 years this May and have a 6 and 4 year old and I am still learning. Schedules are VERY helpful so if you and your husband can come up with something together that would be a good idea. But, but but but...if you don't get to one or two things that day, your husband needs to understand that. Maybe you were extra tired that day from the baby or were feeling ill. Your are in the military in a sense but you're not in a bootcamp. Your husband yelling at you isn't going to make you, or him or the baby for that matter feel any better if something didn't get accomplished the way he thought it should. If he thinks he does everything the right way he should have married himself. But he didn't. He married you. And you have wonderful gifts in you to give to those around you. He needs to see that instead of what kind of gifts he thinks you should have. I hope this helps. Will pray for you both.

User - posted on 02/20/2013

57

6

3

Hi Shohana,

I know how you feel, really. My husband is also a clean freak and I am the the opposite. Just like you, I clean and tidy things up but most of the times, not to his expectations.

I think you should turn your focus on other things rather than to please him. Like you, I aimed at pleasing him at all times (good food on the table, clean house, clean laundry, neat and tidy house, well fed son, etc....) but it never made me happy. I was a working mom until I quit when my son turned one. That was 20 months ago.

I was as unhappy as you are until I started to NOT focus on his reactions. Did he reprimand you on a daily basis for not being discipline and keeping the house neat and tidy? If your answer is NO, then I think it isn't much of a problem. Just do what you can.

If your answer is YES, then my suggestion is that you come up with a schedule. I do not do all housework on one day bec it is very tiring. I break them down as follows:

A. Household chores

Monday - Bed linen & blanket/duvet
Tuesday - Marketing (groceries for the week)
Wednesday - Wash the toilets
Thursday - Vacuum and mop the floor, ironing
Friday - Clean kitchen and refrigerator

Note: I do the tidying after dinner, all other laundry is done on a daily basis

B. Meals

I suggest you to come up with a weekly menu. It saves a lot of time. I set the menu and Monday (the day before I do my marketing). First, you can come up with a list for food that you usually prepare, just like a MENU at a restaurant. Then, when it comes to the time to set your menu, just pick from the list!

I hope this helps a bit.

All the best and Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Erin - posted on 03/04/2013

195

0

6

Tell him to do it him self. If he doesn't like it leave him. Don't let him try to make you think he's better than you just because he has cammandos screaming at him all day. Military men tend to be helpless at work so they take the anger out on us just tell him off and if he doesn't get better get a divorce. If you need rest do it he can take the trash out.

Vickie - posted on 02/25/2013

31

5

0

Just because he's being rude and disrespectful I would tell him that if he doesn't like how clean the house is he is welcome to clean it himself. Seriously if my husband sees something that needs done he would never tell me, if it bothers him he does it himself or keeps his mouth shut because I will tell him to do it himself, but he does understand that I didn't do it because I was busy.

But, aside from that I suggest looking at flylady.net. It's not only a great website to help you "schedule" your cleaning so it gets done in a more timely way, she will also help you learn to feel better about yourself and ignore your husband's mean comments. As you gain more confidence and feel better about yourself your husband will pick up on that and hopefully treat you better as well. If not, instead of letting him bring you down, tell him how his comments make you feel. If he doesn't change suggest marriage counseling or maybe start looking at whether or not you want to stay married to someone that treats you that way.

21 Comments

View replies by

Amber - posted on 09/24/2015

98

0

9

Erin Kearney. What the heck? You don't know the whole situation so don't jump to say that so quickly. I go through something similar with my husband and I'll tell him real quick what I think. Maybe you shouldn't tell him like I do mine though. Sit down with him and calmly explain the changes your body is going through and tell him you are doing the best you can.

Cleaver - posted on 03/04/2013

580

0

90

men dont understand how much we do in a day they seem to think that things never leave their place, there's never dust on the floor, toys put themselves away, laundry does itself i can go on i know someone whos husband was like this so she did nothing all day played with the kids thats it when he came home there was food on the counter toys on the floor dishes werent done ect he stopped doing it then

Ann - posted on 03/04/2013

133

0

25

I know exactly how you feel on every level. I have 2 kids who are 11 months apart, i gained 95lbs between both pregnancies, my husband is in the military and he never shows respect, or thanks for anything I do. They make us feel worthless like it doesn't matter what we do, it'll never be up to the expectations they hold over us. Yet we're the one's who slave away at home, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, organizing, making sure the house stays in-tact and is livable, yet that's never enough for them is it? My husband calls me fat all the time, and that I should be doing something about it, yet when I do he says I shouldn't be worrying so much about my health and fitness because it takes away from what i should really be doing at home, but in other words, it means if it doesn't concern him, it's not important, and that's what I've come to discover this past while. But hun, try not to get yourself down, your an amazing mother and you do what you can given the circumstances, and you should try and stay positive as much as possible, and that you are doing what you can when you can, and sooner or later he's going to have to understand that and will come down to earth, and realize how much you do for your kids and for him :)

Julia - posted on 02/28/2013

2

0

0

Note, I found that ballroom dancing helped me drop baby fat, REALLY quick! Especially Salsa dancing. If you can get into a Rhumba group or sneak in a few ballroom dancing classes, you are good as gold!
Now that I'm pregnant again with our 4th child, I am back at square one with the weight gain and no energy. However, I can't wait to get back on the dance floor and really shake it!

Dr Leonaura - posted on 02/25/2013

15

0

0

funny how men often don't notice the things we do for them. This comes from the different way their brain works. Men NEED to feel that THEIR needs are being met at a high level and you must not be subtle about it! it's really tough when you are not feeling good.
Try this:
For a few days meet your husbands needs at a high level. According to Tony Robbins we have 6 human needs:
Certainty: to feel that we know where life is heading. He may be feel uncertain at the moment due to the new baby on the way and you not feeling good. Reassure him that you still are there for him, that you are not feeling good but will get back to normal soon.
Variety: look for ways to give a little spice to his life. Try a new simple recipe that you think he might like or plan a date night or a trip that he will find fun with your son.
Significance: reassure him that he is important to you, that he is special. When he gets in from work, if you are able, stop what you are doing, talk to him for a few minutes, give him a hug. Tell him you value how hard he works for your family and ask him about his day.
Love and connection: even if you are not feeling well, try and show him that you care about him. Men are like little boys sometimes: they need to be shown you still love them. It's important to communicate how you are feeling to him, without being whiney.
Contribution: try and squeeze in some little things that will make him feel special.
Growth: talk about your excitement about your new baby and the future for your family together, about the things you will do, the fun you will have and his role in that.


Sometimes this approach is met with a bit of suspicion but after a few days, men usually start to like it. The hope is that when you are meeting his needs at a higher level, he will start to meet yours!

Good luck!

Natalie - posted on 02/25/2013

2

3

0

I've been there too. What we recently figured out is that we just have different opinions on what 'clean' means. With kids, and with you being pregnant on top of it, you just can't do it all, everyday.

To me, having a clean house meant the floors were clean. Toys picked up, vacuumed, at least once a week. My husbands could care less about the floors. He just wants the island counter cleared off when he comes home from work. If it's cleared off, and then I started fixing dinner, no big deal. He just doesn't want a toy on one end, kids meds here, and magazine there...an assortment of junk. It took us a long time to figure this out. Now, to me the house can look like a disaster on some days, but if the counter is clear he is happy.
Maybe you could start by asking him if you could only have one area clean, what would it be.

Good luck!

Alicia - posted on 02/24/2013

53

25

0

shohana. your a great mom just remember that if your son loves you thats all that matters. your beautiful dont forget it. if he feels your dirty then after your son is in bed tell you husband that your going to have a bath listen for the baby then take a book and relax in the tub. see if you can find a sitter or a family member to watch your son for a few hours one night and have a date night. i did that with my husband and things were better. and when they start to get rough we do it again. i'm a single mom all week while my husband works away from home. also try to find a baby group in your area they are a good way to connect with other moms and let out some stress. when my husband use to tell me that he works all week the least i could do is keep the house neat and tidy and swept and clean. i tell him that i have a job just like him.
I'm A MOM and proud to be one!!!
thats a job more important then one that he does. yes he works hard. yes he makes money and i dont have and income but my income is the love, smiles, hugs, and kisses of my kids. and guess what you (my husband) benefit from my job too cause when you come home you have beautiful (handsome) well fed, clean, loving, smart children who love you. let him know that your doing your best but that this pregnancy is different then the last one and if there is too much stress its not good for baby.
chin up things will work out let him know that you need help and if hes a good guy he'll realize and help and if not then take your son with you and go away for a few days and tell your husband that your going to your moms or to where ever for a few days cause you need help and see how he feels coming home to an empty house where he has to make his own meals

Patricia - posted on 02/20/2013

353

0

71

Have you had a chance to sit together and actually talk about things in a calm and non judgemental manner?

Let him know your feelings- that you are so tired from the pregnancy and having trouble keeping things up to his standards. Something has to give here and that might mean him picking up some of the chores until you are feeling better.

I am sorry you feel this way. It stinks, but I do know from experience that men are not mind readers and often don't think before opening up their mouths or the looks on their faces!! hahaha. Really. My Husband and I have been together for 23 years and married for 20 and the past 5 years are finally learning how to communicate the proper way.

Could be you two need some time alone together too.

Liz - posted on 02/19/2013

1,047

15

260

Beth, that's the fourth comment of yours that I've seen where you seem to be aiming at giving the most provocational and confrontational 'advice' (I use that word in its loosest possible term) that you can. What gives? Are you writing for entertainment?

Shohana: one reason that your husband may be behaving like the jerk that he is could be that he's feeling very resentful because of something happening at work and then takes it out on you when he gets home. That wouldn't make it okay, but there could be more going on for him than is easy to see.

I'd suggest that you try to approach him from an angle of asking about his work, because he doesn't seem to be happy lately when he gets home.

Failing that, I reckon Sally Backhaus has a great idea.

Sandra - posted on 02/18/2013

53

0

1

tell him that you are pregnant and feel like crap. and when he comes home ask him what he did all day and say things like "you don't look like you were really working that hard" also he is a douche bag so stop having kids with him

Alina - posted on 02/14/2013

129

13

27

I want to start off with something positive and encouraging. You are a good mother. You are taking care of things to the best of your ability. I know how you feel. When I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I was sick for the first 4 months of the pregnancy, and our son was 2 yrs old. I was sick to the point I couldn't stand the smell of cooking meat, and I couldn't eat anything. I hated the smell of myself and my husband. Poor guy lol! I had no energy to clean! It was awful. The next time your husband starts complaining, ask him if he'd rather have a clean, organized home right now or a healthy wife and healthy baby! No man will ever know how hard it is to do anything while growing a human being inside of them. So your husband needs to set his priorities in order and understand that if you can't do it to his standards, he either needs to do it himself, hire some help, or let go of his impossible standards and accept what you CAN do. And as far as your weight, I gained a bit, too. Now, my husband likes my weight so I don't know first hand how it feels to be criticized about it, but I can say this. Your body goes through so many changes during pregnancy, changes you cannot control. One day you will be able to lose the weight, when the stress is over and YOU feel better and ready. We get stretch marks, saggy breasts, weak bladders, weight gain, bleeding gums, bad skin, etc., having the child they put in us. Your body is an amazing machine. You are a queen. Treat yourself as such!

Ana - posted on 02/14/2013

3

0

0

I am not a stay at home mom, but joined this group b/c stay at home moms have the best advice and experiences. That being said, I can relate to a husband not understanding what it really is to be a stay at home mom. I experienced that when I had to take an early maternity leave with my second son. At that time, my first born was 2 1/2 yo and I was almost 9 mo pregnant. I was so tired and in pain that the only thing I accomplished was feeding my son and myself. Barely any house choirs. So when my husband would come home, he would expect dinner to be served, the house to be clean. He wouldn't say much, other than "what have you been doing all day". My first thought was "are you kidding me?, like I enjoy being tired and in pain and not getting anything done?!" I would tell him how I felt, but men cannot relate. I realized that men will not relate until they are in our position, so no matter what I said would make any difference. I was lucky that my husband decided to take 6 weeks off to bond with our 2nd son as I went back to work. Mind you, my mother takes care of my 2 boys, so my husband was not always alone. Although, my mother took this time to take care of personal matters so he was left with the kids all day few times a week. Needless to say, after the 6 weeks was up, he only then realized that he doesn't know how we do it. ***All I can say is, you did better than I could having a 2 yo and being pregnant. You were able to have food on the table for your hubby and a least have the house presentable. YOU ARE DOING AWESOME!!!!!! Try to see if your husband can do the baby bonding thing. If he cannot or doesn't want to leave him alone with your son for 2 hrs, then 4, then 6...... and take time away for yourself, like a pedicure, movie, whatever you fancy. I would also suggest couple's counseling. I had to warm my husband up to this idea b/c he is not a communicative person and believes your personal issues should stay personal. At the end, I told him that I am not happy how things are and we need help or I won't be able to go further with the relationship. I know that every person and couple are different, that is what I went though and what worked for me. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! I know it is not easy. YOU ARE WONDERFUL!

Laura - posted on 02/13/2013

8

0

0

Shohana, I understand how you feel, I am a stay at home mom with a 7 year old, 2.5 year old and 8 month old. My husband has never brought anything to my attention, however, the facial expressions say it all sometimes. I started to feel like he hates me. I don't know if it had something to do with my emotions or he may really dislike me at times. I started to feel depressed myself, stuck at home. I like you, try my best to keep everything on point at home . This past January I said that's it I'm going to wake up and live for my kids because they need me with energy and they need a positive mother. Although, it's tough I said to myself once a month i will get together with friends for a dinner or drink and just leave him alone not argue back. Unfortunately, my 2.5 year old was diagnosed with a bleeding disorder and it made me realize my kids are number one and if he didn't like something than to bad. I'm cleaning all day because she can not get sick, we go to the hospital every week together and I think he realized wow, she does have allot on her plate, he even admitted to being wrong. I'm not an expert but stay positive, don't let him take over your emotions. Do what you feel you can do and if he is not content than he needs to figure it out. You have a household to look after and just like any job you do the best You can! Hope it helped a little. Best of Luck, situations never last forever.

Cleaver - posted on 02/10/2013

580

0

90

i know how this feels except that my husband stays home all day so i get it all day long weve just started couples therapy i hope it works maybe itd work for you

Shohana - posted on 02/10/2013

3

0

1

He also jokes about my weight that i put on with our first baby. I gained 85 lbs and its been difficult for me to get rid of it post pregnancy. He makes me feel like im not good enough. Like dont do things to his standards. My self confidence has deteriorated... i just feel depressed right now...

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms