My husband wants a 3rd baby & i don't

Jessica - posted on 11/17/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I've been a stay home mom for over 5 years now, we have 2 boys ages 5 & 3. We are finally finished with the baby phase & next year our little one will be off to school. I wanted to start my own business once my boys started school, but now my husband wants to start it all over again with a 3rd baby. I feel so done with baby stuff, I have no desire to be pregnant again & go thru another c-section, nursing, night feedings, teething, potty training etc. I am sure if we have another it will be another boy & 3 boys is scary to me! Plus I know we will bicker like crazy during the first year & i feel like we are back to being best friends again & i don't want to go thru a year of bickering b/c we are so tired & snapping with eachother all the time. He wants desperately to try one more time for a baby girl (follow old wives tales, timing etc.). I want to make him happy but I feel like if I do this I'll be the one to bear all the burden (as i have in the past, since he does work long hours). He has told me he would buy me whatever i wanted, take me wherever I wanted to vacation if i do this for him, he offered me a nanny to help me out (we don't have any help or any sitters). I feel so torn, I want to make him happy (it isn't about the material stuff he offered) but I want to be finished with babies & start working on my dream business. I feel like i want it to be time for me to shine as a successful woman & not just mom.

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Tracy - posted on 12/09/2011

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Was there a number of children that you and your husband had agreed to at the beginning of the marriage? My husband and I agreed on 4 but then my pregnancies were very hard on me and we agreed to cut the number down. We are stopping at 3. I don't believe that one partner should dictate to the other but if there was an agreement that it should be upheld. I fully understand the need to have a life outside of motherhood. Just make sure that the decision not to have another child won't cause your husband to want to leave to find someone who wants more kids.

Corinne - posted on 11/19/2011

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I haven't read all of the responses but I agree that you both have to want this baby. I'm also put off by how much his mother would like a girl? Her time is done, this is your nest. Could you cope if she became over-involved? Is she a nice M.I.L/Granny? Do this because YOU want to, not to fulfil someone elses dreams. x

Kelina - posted on 11/18/2011

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Jessica if you guys are willing to consider an adoption why don't you approach an adoption agency and ask some generic questions about the moms? like do you know the medical history of the moms type thing. adoption doesn't necessarily mean a child from another country or through CPS. Or you could consider surrogacy-that way you wouldn't have to be pregnant, but you and hubby would still get another baby... And thanks!

Vicky - posted on 11/18/2011

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Hi there, i also had two boys and am thrilled to now have a daughter of 20 months, something that i thought would never happen. i tried the shettles method and it worked for me :-). You can Google it. Also look at gender.com loads of info on there. I had stopped after my two boys as decided it would be a footy team for us else but after a 12 year gap decided on one last attempt. This is only something that a parent of the same sex kids can really understand....wanting what you don't/can't have however there are no guarantees and you both have to be 100% sure. Goodluck in your decision. x

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Keri - posted on 12/08/2011

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The two of you need to have a serious talk about this. My husband and I decided we'd welcome any children we had, whether it would be just one or more (we won't be the Duggars with 20 kids though). And if we were to have all of one gender that wouldn't bring us down either. We have one son who's about to be five on the 18th. We really want another - and so does our son because he really wants to be "big brother." It really sounds like your husband has other issues surrounding this or he wouldn't be trying to sway your opinion with promises of vacations and nannies and other things.

Jessica - posted on 11/19/2011

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corrine, my mil is ok, not very involved though, she never comes over even to help out when the kids are sick & i need to take one of them to the dr. So being over-involved i doubt it! I was hoping so bad for a girl for myself during both my pregnancies, when i found out my first was a boy i started crying (i wanted the girl so badly).

Julie - posted on 11/18/2011

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Let Daddy stay home with the boys for a whole weekend. He may see where all your energies go ... and reconsider his wishes.
BUT - do try for a girl OR ADOPT one ... that is a guarantee for a needy child. PLUS, its saves you morning sickness and labor, etc., and you will have more energy to mother those precious boys AND new little girl -

Alexia - posted on 11/18/2011

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I have 4 boys. They are much nicer and easier than girls. Two kids are great. When you have the third it is hard as hell!! Expensive too. You have done enough by having 2 children Time for you. Which will you regret more? Not having another child or losing yourself and your dreams? Your husband should respect your needs and buy you anything anyway!

Natasha - posted on 11/18/2011

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If you really don't want to then you shouldn't. You might end up resenting your husband or even your baby. You're just going to have to be honest with him and find a resolution. Maybe talking to a councelor would help? Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 11/18/2011

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Kelina, by the way, congrats on baby #3! Good luck with everything...You are one brave woman! ;)

Jessica - posted on 11/18/2011

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Kelina, he did offer a nanny, him staying home is not an option, he has an exective level job in the financial industry. He promised we would make it final after this one regardless of gender, he offered a vasectomy, but I would tie my tubes b/c my third will be c-section for sure. (both my babies were breech & my dr. offered the option with the second until we saw he wouldn't flip & then insisted on c-sect) We did talk about adoption, but not sure it is for us, we are scared of medical issues or mental issues a child may have. Personally, I wouldn't have the patience for any sort of rebellion or adjustment periods. I know I wouldn't want to go thru any medical issues either, I've already experienced too much of that.

@vicky, thanks for the info, i'll check it out.

Kelina - posted on 11/18/2011

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Have you guys discussed adoption? I am pregnant with baby number 3 but my kids are 2 and almost one so i'm still in the baby stage. It could be a compromise if ou do decide to have another one that you don't stay home for the first 5 years. Maybe you could start your business and he could stay home with the baby for a while? Also is it feasible for you to have a nanny? and how would he feel if you had another boy? How would you feel if you had another boy? Would he truly be done if you had another baby even if it wasn't a girl? what would he be willing to do to show you that commitment? Personally my hubby is getting snipped when we're done having kids. Surprisingly, that was his decision, I'd only mentioned it once or twice and one day he got online and did some research(I thought he was on facebook) and all of a sudden he looks at me and says, when we're done having kids, i'll get a vasectomy. My jaw dropped so far you could've driven a truck down my throat :) If you feel that you're really done being pregnant then maybe adoption would be a good choice for you guys. And if you adopt a child that's a little older then you don't have to worry about gender or the first year of up all nights and screaming :)

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I can understand why he and his family want a girl, but I think there's a danger in having such expectations.



If you have another baby, it could easily be a boy. I'm sure your husband will love him just the same, of course. But even if it is a girl, she could be a total tomboy and not the "princess" type at all.



I don't think it's wise to put that kind of pressure on your family and your future kid. It's a fantasy, not real life.

Anne - posted on 11/17/2011

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I don't think having a child just to spoil them is a good idea, what if it's another boy, will you both be resentful? It's a 50/50 shot either way with gender. I don't know, it just seems like you deserve your freedom from baby land too you know? All that "my princess" crap with girls nowadays bothers me so maybe I'm a bit biased by that but maybe a list of pro's and con's will get you closer to what you really want.

I think it sounds like you are done, there is nothing wrong with that!

Bonnie - posted on 11/17/2011

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Thanks Jessica! From what you have said, I can see why your husband wants a girl. It makes sense. If you have times when you think having another baby would be great than maybe deep down you want another it's just the initial thoughts that have you thinking otherwise. Take your time in your decision. Maybe it will help you to talk with your husband more.

Jessica - posted on 11/17/2011

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@ Liz, he comes from a family of all boys, his brother has a boy, he has boys, all his cousins are boys. he wants a little princess to spoil & be a daddy's girl, also, he knows his mom has been praying for years for a girl...but it has all been boys! He also thinks 3 kids is ideal, that when they are older & have disagreements there is always another to hear both sides & smooth things over. For him family is sacred & should be kept close knit.
@Bonnie, thanks & congratulations to you & your family! There are times when I'm like ok, another baby would be great & others where i cringe at the thought. I probably need more time to digest things & maybe start to miss the baby stage.

Bonnie - posted on 11/17/2011

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Jessica, I know how you feel. Believe me. I have two boys as well. The same ages as yours. I kept telling myself my youngest is 3, i'm done the baby stages and potty training and all that, I should be done. But, something was telling me not to be done. It took quite awhile for my husband to agree and now I am pregnant with my third child. My husband is pretty sure it will be another boy. I really don't know. I really want a girl and this will be our last baby. Of course my husband will be okay with a girl because he has two boys:-) So far this pregnancy is different from my other two, so who knows.

All I can say is don't give in just because you feel you have to. You both have to want this. You have to do what you feel is right deep down inside.

We all know why many moms want a girl, but I have also heard why many dads want a girl. From what i've heard they either want a daddy's girl or just the best of both worlds. Has he told you why?

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