Need advice on things, please

Alishia - posted on 10/19/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a 21 year old mother of one and step-mother of 2. I will be 22 next month and have been married to my husband, Micheal, 26, for a lil over a year. I am a stay at home mom and he works night shift. He was with his ex-wife for 8 years altogether, this being my first marriage...



We constantly argue about little things now, where used to we got along great. He works nights, as have I before we got together, and all he does is work, sleep and watch tv. Between us we have 3 kids, ages of 7, 5, and 4, all in school (pre-k thru 1st). He thinks just because I don't have a "job" getting paid like him, I don't do as much. He doesn't help me with the children (even his 2) and their mom makes everything harder! I clean house, cook, take out the trash, get homework done, do all errands, pay all bills, I do it all... literally!



I get played out as the bad guy. From ever which way just about. I told him if things didn't change that II couldn't do it anymore.... There's more but, too much to go on about. I tried to talk to my Mother-in-law about it a few times, she just says I am trying to make people feel sorry for me and that I'm complaining too much... I don't know what to do anymore! I left last week and came back and when I came back I told him that if this marriage with me is what he really wants, then he is going to have to do his part to salvage our marriage and prove it to me, that's where things haven't changed.



I just feel like I am here just to take care of his kids, and clean his house. I don't feel like a wife, just a nanny and house-keeper. We don't ever do anything, I never have a break or me time, and my self-esteem is at an all time low... Is there any advice for me on what I could do?

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Tammy - posted on 10/19/2009

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Do you take any time to regroup? (read, pray, or whatever) It really takes a lot to blend a family together successfully, with love. I am 43 years old and I am a stay at home mom and have been for almost 23 years. Kids aged 25, 22, 21,12,&10. I also have 2 step kids (older). It takes some time for you to realize that there really is a blessing to staying at home. It is a lot of work, and I do mean a LOT. My husband works construction and there have been times when he is gone for weeks at a time. And believe me sometimes the last thing he wants hear when he calls in the evening is about how much I've done all day. (guilty!!) I know as you said there is probably more but there was something that drew you to your husband. I say pray. There are more people included in the picture than just you and your husband. Sometimes its the way you argue or talk that gets the job done. Don't threaten or name call, it just don't work. (guilty!) It takes some patience, lots of it. Remember lots of little eyes are watching you and they need to see you do things with love. We all fail, thats what makes us human, Take care and take time to enjoy what God has given you

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Alishia - posted on 10/19/2009

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Thank you, I really appreciate it all... I never did look at it that way, I guess he does trust me taking care of things, but it'd still be nice to see him care and to be acknowledge for what I do. I'm still young and he is too, I want us to have a life together, outside of the house walls and the same thing. Thank you so much!

Tammy - posted on 10/19/2009

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I know you won't believe this but they just have a different way of showing concern or worry. Actually, the fact that you don't think he is worried is probably a good thing, believe it or not it means that he has confidence in the way you handled the illness. Kinda like a compliment in his own way. Keep up the good work you must be doing something right or you would hear about it!! Sometimes when we are overwhelmed we just need to hear a "well done" So....Well done. I will keep you in my prayers.

Alishia - posted on 10/19/2009

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Thank you for the advice... I want things to change and I am giving it some time, but it's getting to the point where I don't wana try, I am the only one that is really trying. His ex is the same way. But then people think that he doesn't care if the kids are here or not. For a while I was the one dealing with his ex and as bad as it sounds felt like she was my ex. She would call me, not him and I would have to take care of the pick-up and drop-off of the girls (they live with us). People think that he wants the girls so he doesn't have to pay child support becasue he doesn't help me with anything. The oldest, I had to check out of school Friday with a temp of 102. I waited to take her to the doctor, and succesfully got her fever broke and later in the evening while he was at work, it started climbin again. I sent a text to him telling him if it went soaring up again I was goin to take her to the e.r. and I stayed up all night checking her temp every hour to make sure it didn't climb. (It never did, I kept it normal and now she's fine). But he never once asked her how she felt, after i checked her out of school and he got out of bed. I was the one worried about her.

Candice - posted on 10/19/2009

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I know how you feel, I went through that when my husband and I first got together. He also had a 2 year old (she is now going on 6)that I was constantly taking care of while he was out doing whatever and the ex was a psycho which didn't help anything. Marriage is not something you should just throw away on an impulse, if you guys have only been married alittle over a year than you should prob. give it alittle time (but do not let him make you feel like you don't do as much as him), my experience and my friends and sister also are stay at home moms, Our husbands don't understand half of what we go through and how hard it actually is to stay at home all day everyday with the kids. My husband and I now have 2 girls together along with his other daughter and it took along time to start understanding eachother. Sometimes I think being a step parent is harder than being a parent and it's also hard in the beginning because you of course have the thought of, if I was to leave him, I would have less children to take care of. You know your husband and if things aren't going to change then you should realize that now and not waste your time but if you think there is a chance for you guys to work this out, then just give it some time. I did and things got better! Good Luck to you and you are not the only person who feels this way, Trust me

Pumpkin - posted on 10/19/2009

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Quoting Alishia:

Need advice on things, please

I am a 21 year old mother of one and step-mother of 2. I will be 22 next month and have been married to my husband, Micheal, 26, for a lil over a year. I am a stay at home mom and he works night shift. He was with his ex-wife for 8 years altogether, this being my first marriage...

We constantly argue about little things now, where used to we got along great. He works nights, as have I before we got together, and all he does is work, sleep and watch tv. Between us we have 3 kids, ages of 7, 5, and 4, all in school (pre-k thru 1st). He thinks just because I don't have a "job" getting paid like him, I don't do as much. He doesn't help me with the children (even his 2) and their mom makes everything harder! I clean house, cook, take out the trash, get homework done, do all errands, pay all bills, I do it all... literally!

I get played out as the bad guy. From ever which way just about. I told him if things didn't change that II couldn't do it anymore.... There's more but, too much to go on about. I tried to talk to my Mother-in-law about it a few times, she just says I am trying to make people feel sorry for me and that I'm complaining too much... I don't know what to do anymore! I left last week and came back and when I came back I told him that if this marriage with me is what he really wants, then he is going to have to do his part to salvage our marriage and prove it to me, that's where things haven't changed.

I just feel like I am here just to take care of his kids, and clean his house. I don't feel like a wife, just a nanny and house-keeper. We don't ever do anything, I never have a break or me time, and my self-esteem is at an all time low... Is there any advice for me on what I could do?


 

Pumpkin - posted on 10/19/2009

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i feel you i went threw that my first year of marriage until i made him see that being a mother was aJOB and he needed me as well as i needed him

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