Need Advice!!! Teenage daughter

Jennifer - posted on 03/26/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I need advice on my 15 year old daughter. Shes a freshman in highschool. We cant seem to get along at all. Everything I say to her ends up in a argument. Last quarter she failed 4 subjects on her report card. So this quarter I grounded her from her cell phone. I don't let her bring her phone to school or have it during the week. But on weekends ive been letting her have her phone. Well she deletes most of her messages cause she knows I check her phone. Well sometimes she forgets and I don't like what I see. Shes talking with a 17 yr old. All he ever talks about is how he wants to have sex with her. She continues to say no or idk. Their not dating but he will kiss her at school and she doesn't tell him no she just lets him. I tell her she shouldn't kiss someone shes not dating but she doesn't seem to listen. This boy only wants sex it seems and I know shes not ready for that, she tells me she'll never hang out with him but with her texting him I think shes giving him the wrong impression of who she is. She wont listen to a word I say and say that all I do is lecture her.... Idk what to do I don't even want to give her her phone at all cause the first thing she does is talk to this 17 yr old... I know she likes the attention, cause she always says she wants a boyfriend.

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Kennishia - posted on 03/27/2014

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Hi Jennifer, so sorry to hear of all this your experiencing. I know a program that is extremely indepth and helpful called 'The Total Transformation' by James Lehman. It's very helpful dealing with understanding a teen with behavior issues and deals with how we parent our children I would suggest giving it a try it seems like you are doing all you can and your doing great with all the boundaries just now since you know she is really challenging your trust in her by sending the snapshots I would take the phone away altogether! I know this will only seem to make it worst but she's going behind your back more in spite of you trying to meet her somewhere still having some phone privileges. The program helps you learn that lecturing doesn't solve anything it just causes your teen to make excuses and tell you what she doesn't like about your parenting and then you as the parent end up trying to justify yourself when you don't have to. You are being completely reasonable because the behavior you notice is putting your daughter at risk. You are not a bad parent you love your daughter and your doing all you know to do. You have set great boundaries and you let her know you can get even more firm. You make your expectations known and stick to them. A teen should have some privacy if they have Proven they can be trustworthy, your daughter has not proven that. She may say u have too many rules but that's because she may have to many times that she misbehaves or breaks the rules. She will blame you for being too harsh when she can't see that it's because of her behavior. Her dad really needs to have one on one date nights with her where he doesn't lecture her or discuss the issues but just treats her how he would expect a gentleman to treat her. Hope some of this helps.

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Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2014

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Oh and then I tell her not to talk to him so she quits texting him. But I found out she was snap chatting him and with snap chat it gets deleted right away so I cant even see what she snap chatted him.....

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2014

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Thanks For the advice. My daughter told this boy that I said she cant talk to him anymore. She told him on texting and showed me the messages. I don't see him and for me to give him a letter, she would never hand it to him. He goes to her school and is in 11th grade, shes in 9th. She wants to see him, but she says she not interested in sex. But that's all he talks about, she doesn't get that that's all he wants. I think she likes the attention. Her father is in the picture, We have been married for 15 yrs. Hes very busy with work and when he is home he does yell a lot cause our daughter doesn't listen to anything. Everything we say she comes back with attitude. I have two girls who plays softball ages 15 and 11. My husband is involved in their softball league and coaches so he does spend time that way with them. My 15 yr old yr old says im too strict with her. Like she cant bring her phone to bed and has to stay in kitchen on charger by 9:00 on a school night. She has a time limit on her lap top. she always says no other kids have these rules. When she gives attitude or is mean to her little brother who is only 3 she gets her phone taken away. (that's the only thing she cares about so its always the first to go). When she goes out and I text her she must answer. She says I give her no privacy. She seems to want a boyfriend in the worst way. She was dating a 12 yr old when I found out I told her he was way too young. maybe I should of let her it was better than this 17 yr old now. Bottom line is I prob just don't want her to have a boyfriend at all. Im very scared of what these girls r capable of and I don't want her pregnant or get a STD. How do I get police involved when my daughter isn't the one complaining of the sex talk on texting or that he will grab her and kiss her at school. I tell her to say no to him for kissing but she says it happens to fast. shes very shy and I'm scared if he tries anything else she wont say NO. He was her first kiss and their not even dating, I don't understand why she thinks that's ok to kiss someone shes not even dating. I'm scared of whats to come with her. As for school, She seems to not do all her homework idk why. I keep telling her her grade keeps going down when she doesn't do homework. She never studies so her test and quiz grades r not good. she doesn't seem to care. I tell her she will be a freshman again or summer school she just says STOP MOM. Idk what to do with her. Im hoping its just the age and she will mature soon and understand this stuff. I lecture her a lot to make sure she understands but she don't listen and says I hate that you lecture about everything.

Tina - posted on 03/26/2014

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Well, before I can give you some advice about what we go through, if your daughter goes to the same school with this boy, I would handwrite or type a letter to this boy (I hope you know his name), let him know that you have read his texts etc, that your daughter is only 15 and is not allowed to date, and if he does not stop texting and soliciting sex with your daughter you will be contacting the school and police authorities. Be clear he is not to communicate with her further.
If the father is in the picture, BOTH SIGN THE LETTER.

This is definitely a common problem among teenagers, and yes I have a 15 year old as well (daughter). First question: Is their a FATHER in the house, and what is their relationship like? Most of the time daughters are looking for attention from a young man because their is something lacking (self worth, self esteem), from somewhere else. If the father is involved in the picture, I encourage him to start daughter/father date nights, at least twice a month, and your daughter needs to KNOW how beautiful and how important she is to her father. Although the Mother/Daughter relationship is important, as a teenager, the Father/Daughter relationship actually becomes more critical. I don't know if you have seem the movie Courageous, but if not, you might want to rent it. It shows the importance of this and some ideas you can utilize as well. In addition, many teens today are dealing with ALOT of issues that we never had to; bullying, social media bullying, school is much more stressful than it ever was for our generation, and the pressure to do drugs is more intense as well as dating and sex. Many young teens (especially girls), struggle with depression (falling grades, lack of appetite, sleep a lot, lack of motivation, withdrawl from family, and other symptoms). A counselor might be helpful. We went for a while. One thing I DID LEARN, lecturing them at that age does NOT help, nor does yelling at them. I tend to over-react a lot, become distrustful, and it causes a wall 10 feet high. I think that drawing clear boundaries (if necessary sign a contract with your daughter), so she knows what is expected, and give her goals to work toward and for. For instance, if she wants a drivers license, she has to have clear objectives on what it takes to get there. Her grades have to be at least C level, no tardies for at least one quarter, and etc..... She has to understand that along with car keys trust must be in place. It's really up to her if she wants to drive.
My daughter struggles a lot with school in general. She just doesn't like it.... I think she has a hard time sitting still and focusing and her grades are like a roller coaster. IN addition, she follows in the shadow of an older sister who is straight A, homecoming queen, seems like she's perfect, and I'm not so sure my younger daughter doesn't sometimes wonder "what's the point, I can never live up to that". Although we don't in any way expect that, nor want that in any way, soul and spirit are powerful things. Both my daughters are drop-dead gorgeous, amazing and have such unique gifts, but they are so opposite of one another.
Each child is unique, but what you are experiencing is not uncommon today. It seems to be a rampant problem. They need CONSTANT REAFFIRMATION that they are loved. Because they get so much disapproval from peers, and yes, even teachers at school, they are looking for approval and self-worth from a MAN. You and your husband, and hopefully your family values (God), and to continually fill up that cup that is being drained each day. From The Perks of Being a Wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve" - Hang in there, God loves her more than you do, and PRAY, PRAY PRAY.

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