need advise

Nichole - posted on 02/17/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I'm 28 weeks pregnant and recently cut my hair pretty short-chin lengh. My husband hasn't been touching or kissing me lately. When I asked him why he was being so distant he said it was because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. This is our 3rd child together and have been married for 8 years. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle this situation. When i try to talk to him about it he finds a way to get distracted. Any advise would be appreciated!

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Mary - posted on 02/17/2009

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I think it is often more of a taking care of yourself thing than a little extra weight or even a hair cut. Usually there are side issues that he is feeling hurt about, and being a male, he strikes out where it will hurt you most, your vulnerable vanity. If they love you, they are attracted to you, unless you are going around always in sweats and his old t-shirts, dont' put makeup on for him anymore, only to go somewhere else, or if he specifically told you he likes your long hair and you go and cut it, he may feel like you did it just to hurt him. Men can be so weird that way, and take things personal that we don't do for those reasons at ALL.

I felt this way when I was pregnant once and I had a male friend tell me, "You are a sexy woman. Pregnant or not. If you FEEL sexy and see yourself as sexy, your husband will see it that way too." Then I realized I was wearing t-shirts to bed, hiding instead of changing in front of him, and generally putting out "nonsexy" vibes. Once I made efforts to get some drapey but low cut nighties and some lower cut tops to wear around him, and putting on perfume and making my face up I felt pretty and sexy, and voila, the sexy love life came back!!!

Also, be careful when you are pregnant and touchy and grouchy not to be pushing him away with complaints and attitude and then wonder why he is not affectionate when he is feeling like you don't even like him anymore. When he does something nice or helpful, thank him! When he comes home from work, GREET him happily! Make sure he still thinks that YOU love him. Sometimes we need to make it more about them, for them to be able to make it more about us. Good luck! I hear you and have been there too!!! And it passed, and we are closer than ever. :)

Jennifer - posted on 02/17/2009

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I went through a similiar situation but with my weight gain after having the baby. The thing is hair grows back quicker than the hips shrink....lol. Don't back him into a corner and make him say something you don't want to hear. (I did that and regret it) For fun get a longer hair piece a flaunt it. I reality, once my husband got his hair cut soooo short and shaved his facial hair, and I thought....eww, but I got over it, it grew back and woman can be as shallow as men. He just needs to realize there are eggshells to walk on when you are pregnant and you are beautiful. I don't know if this helps but I hope so.

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Marie - posted on 02/18/2009

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I can def say that you need to make time to sit down and really talk about all the details of how he is feeling and why, then after that conversation a counseling session is in order. If its the weight gain, then he should be ashamed of himself at this moment since you are still pregnant! I had a friend that had this very situation and her hubby even called her fat, as soon as her son was like over one year of age and she had lost all the weight, he thought she was a knock out again....so sad that some men are pigs and should learn to appreciate the women in there lives that are there for them no matter what and for the personality more then the looks. After all, he found you attractive when he married you right?! So ask him what has changed! Don't let this ruin you, it can be worked out... Love Marie

Nichole - posted on 02/18/2009

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Thank you so much!  I will do those things!  He did say he didn't want me to cut my hair again.  I just thought it was my hair and I will cut it if I won't ... didn't think of it that way.  Since I have cut my hair I do take the time for more makeup and I have to do my hair so I guess thats a plus.  I do always go to bed in t-shirts so i will update my pjs! :)  Thank you again for the advice!!!!!   You've helped me so much!

Nichole - posted on 02/17/2009

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Thank you ladies for your advise!  The thing is this is the 1st time this has really happened and I just don't want it to turn into a worse situation.  I want to "nipe it in the butt".  We have been through so much and I don't want him to go to someone else.  I just can't get him to open up.  As far as my weight I really can't do much about it now b/c of the growing baby.  I know I need to do more stuff for me!  With one income sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself so you can do what is right for the family.   

Erin - posted on 02/17/2009

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You shouldn't have to change anything. He feel in love with you for you. If all he wants is the outside, forget him. You are beautiful as you are and as he married you for who you are not what you look like!! Maybe he should do some changing!!

Erin - posted on 02/17/2009

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That is so hard. My heart breaks for you. Have you thought of counseling? My husband and I started going when i was preg. with my second child for some of the same reasons. Come to find out he ws scared he was going to hurt the baby. Why he didn't feel this way with the first, I don't know. But first and foremost you need to take care of yourself and your' children. You do know that is flirting with mental abuse. You need to decide if you want to stay and fight or just walk away. Has he been saying other demeaning or degrading things all eight years or was this the first time? If this is a patteren you should think of removing yourself and your children until it can be addressed and taken care of. You can add me as a friend and contact me anytime. As I have been through the same things and worse with my first husband.

Godd Luck

Erin

Tracey - posted on 02/17/2009

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That's a huge smack in the face right there. I'd say if he isn't finding you attractive anymore ask him WHY? And then demand a straight answer. If it's like the haircut, or maybe you're not taking as good a care of yourself, perhaps weight gain, then these are things you can work towards fixing. But if says something like I don't know there's just nothing there......well then my advice is get a good marriage counsellor to help you through it. My husband and I had a lull in physical intimacy because of attraction reasons.....he told me I wasn't taking as much time on me anymore as i do everything else.....I realized then, that yes, I did NEED to take some ME time.......but yeah, I'd ask him straight up......WHY????

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