Need Others Opinions

Ashley - posted on 06/08/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for four years, and I am still a stay at home mom, while he either works or looks for a job (with the economy the way it is, he has lost several jobs from the plants shutting down) I am always at home. The majority of time I have done the dishes, vacuumed, mopped, swept, done the laundry, I have taken the kids to their dr's appts, taken care of them COMPLETELY. When he is not working because he lost his job, I will tell him he has to pick up some chores because he does nothing but sit on the couch. He will use this against me in an argument for proof that I am lazy if he did the dishes while he had no employment. I don't understand this. My father worked full time, and he came home and he helped my SAHM do chores (which isn't even the case here, it's him doing some chores when he has NO job).
What makes things worse is this.
No matter how many times he loses his job I always have a nice Father's day gift for him, or make sure that he has a nice Father's Day. However, this past Mother's day, and in fact the last three, I haven't been wished a Happy Mother's Day from him or even received a gift. This past Mother's Day when I said to him why should we get you anything for Father's Day because you never get me anything he told me that I don't do enough.
What more could I do?

This is the part where I need an opinion. The fact that he may have done 1 or 2 chores when either I was pregnant, or during my c-section recovery time, or when he had no job, does that make me a lazy SAHM? Shouldn't I receive even a little recognition on what is supposed ot be a special day for me?

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Kim - posted on 06/08/2010

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Try reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (should have been titled "How to get what you want from your husband and have him think it was his idea.")

When I follow the advise in the book, I am married to the man I fell in love with. When I don't, I secretly wish I knew a good divorce lawyer. lol

My husband's attitude changed when he saw that I was reading this book. He did look at some of it and thought it was right on the mark.

I made a list of everything I did throughout the day. 7:15 take a show, 7:30 made breakfast for everyone, 7:45 cleaned up babies puke from high chair and floor, 8:00 took shower with the baby. 8:30 washed load of clothes ,... They have no clue what goes on during the day. Most of the messes are made and cleaned up before they get home so only the last mess is there not the 34 that came before.

I left my list on the counter. My husband saw it (that was why I left it there) and asked me if this was for just today. "Yes, I wanted to see where all my time went because I don't seem to get the things I want to accomplished." His reply was, "I will do the dishes after I get the kids in bed, why don't you work on that thing you couldn't get to earlier." After I picked myself up off the floor. I got started on a project that was out there for 3 months. It was amazing!

Good luck, Ashley. You have to win this battle or it will continue to grow in a huge way, until he even feels put out to be with the kids for 5 minutes.

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Annette - posted on 06/10/2010

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Dear Ladies....

Most men no matter how good they are tend to be stupid and simple in their nature. Women are extremely complex...its how we are wired..seriously. This is not an insult or dig. I have learned that even I have a hard time living with myself when my hormones are all a rage. Saying that, please remember that we women are absolute forces of nature, most men can never do what we do. Being a stay at home mom is HARD ASS WORK, being a mom PERIOD is a hard job, we are bound by what we created from inside of us...THEY will never understand things and life in the way we do and LADIES, MOMMAS, DAMES,BROADS, AND YES SOMETIMES BITCHES....don't ever let a man degrade you. If he does it once he will do it twice, and so on. I had someone tell me the other day "I don't want to break up with him because I don't want to be alone"....while I understood I also thought, "nice, so u will sell yourself cheap just to have company". How bout this....women, lets not be caddy with each other, lets support each other, talk with each other, because when that man is done with you, when he has left you with no spirit, sees you have no way out but to depend on him he will used that to his advantage...n don't think he won't. At the end of the day...we are born, wake up, go to sleep and die with ourselves. NEVER let a man tell you that you other then who you are. Love u first. FOR ALL THE LADIES WITH GREAT HUSBANDS..give ya honey a kiss and treat him real good and know how blessed you are, not all men are the devil's minions.

Sally - posted on 06/10/2010

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u definately should recieve some recognition it is the same for me he acts like his work is hard when he sits on his butt driving a tow motor all day while i am cooking and cleaning and caring for a 2 year old all day everyday without a day off. next time he loses a job go get urself a small job and let him see exactly what its all about men dont understand the full of motherehood and being a house wife. I cant even get my old man to change a diaper or do a feeding he hasnt at all since the day he was born now he is close to potty trainin and i wont need him for that and he wants to feed hisself. My mothers day also sucked never got a happy mothers day nothing and while my old man like fishing i hate it and i was stuck doing it with a crabby 2 year old that only i dealt with. I am really feeling ur pain. I am also home all the time too due to having no lisence. I am really on ur side here but it really sucks to hear that someone besides me has to deal with crap like this. mabey we can chat sometime. look me up on facebook im on often or at least close by. wish i had good advice for both of us!! LOL

Ashley - posted on 06/10/2010

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Thank you guys, you guys made me feel better. To all those who gave me advice I am completely taking it all I appreciate it, and will keep you guys updated on how it goes.

Cristina - posted on 06/09/2010

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Hi, you are not lazy as all the other moms before me said, I too am going through the same exact thing with my husband, he pushes me to get a job while he sits his skinny bum in front of the pc doing some editing for his on and off job, I do it all including mowing the lawn, these men think that all we do is not really work because we are at home, well let him know something, what Kim said was right if we don't stop this now it will bite us in the butt later, the men begin to believe that we wine too much and that it's all a big show when we tell them we need more help at home, granted they work, but that's all they do, go to work and come home, in the mean while we are: THE MAID, HOUSE KEEPER, NURSE, LAUNDRY SERVICE, COOKS, DRIVERS, SITTERS, SEX OUTLET (even when we don't really want to), we do all this every day including weekends and holidays, so what the heck??!
I am for sure going to buy that book, thanks Kim, and Ashley I hope it gets better, you deserve to be cherished like we all do want to. Luck.

Tiffany - posted on 06/08/2010

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Yes, you deserve to be recognized. No, you do not sound lazy.

Kick him out for a few days and let him see who cleans up after his sorry butt and feeds him.

Let him know next year, you're going to save up money and go do something with a friend ALL day. He needs to schedule work (if he's working at the time) around it. Tell him he will be left with the kids all day and you will leave him a list of chores that need doing. Nothing extravagant, just your daily thing- dishes, laundry (INCLUDING putting them away!) sweeping and vacuuming, and make sure the toys stay contained to one area. Tell him it will happen and remind him once a month if need be.

Tiffany - posted on 06/08/2010

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LAZY??? I think not!!!!OK.I know actually how you feel.I've been there.This is what I called an unappreciated mom.My husbands work at least 14 hrs a day and he comes home to complain.That there is too much fabric softner in his boxer or some nonsense complaint.However,he doesn't realize that being a sahm is a 24 hr job.WE,sahm get tired to and need me time as well.Yet,he never cleans up nor does he cook.I don't even think he knows how to turn on the stove.I didn't recieve any help from him before or after the birth of our 2 boys. So i had to let him know that he needs to either help me out around the house or don't complain.Because I'm not a maid.But after having a convo using my strong inside voice at him...he clearly knows not to leave his stupid ps3 games out or dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.

Christy - posted on 06/08/2010

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Heck yeah you need recognition! And he should help as well. Think of it this way, you are cleaning up after him AND your kids, whether he is working or not. He needs to man up and realize you can't do any and everything for everyone. I think you 2 need time together ALONE away from the kids so you can talk civilally (sp). Tell him how you feel, in an assertive way.

On another note, he needs to work even if he gets laid off, even if it means a menial job until he gets another plant job. And if he can't do that to support the family, you may want to go back to school (if you need to) and get a job yourself. There are grants out there now for SAHM to go back to school if your family is under a certain income level. Good luck to you.

Crystal - posted on 06/08/2010

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You're definitely not lazy, and do deserve some recognition. I agree with the ladies who suggested talking to your husband instead of nagging. The way I put it to my hubby when he wasn't helping, and was laid off too (for 7 months) was that it's both of our homes, and both of our kids. So now that he wasn't out of the house working, it would be greatly appreciated if he would take some things off my plate and help out. I have also done it the way Jacky K. did ... fine, you say I don't do anything, I won't. :) Since our talk, and my housework boycott... he makes it a point to let me know how nice the house looks when he gets home... as long as it does. ;)

Chelsea - posted on 06/08/2010

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Your not a lazy SAHM at all!!! Being a mom is a hard job. My husband once told me that my jov was so easy, i got to just sit around all day, and so on. So one day i had him watch our son for maybe not even half the day and ever since then he hasnt said a word to me about something not being picked up, or a dirty dish..etc. You most deff. should receive ALOT of recognition on YOUR special day..

Ashley - posted on 06/08/2010

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Thank you Rachel for this post. You made some valid points about it. However, I normally don't say anything to him, and then later just get my feelings hurt. That night though he was talking about all this stuff he wants for Father's Day and it irked me.

You are right though, I probably could handle him a little better, and should just accept that he is what he is.

Jacky - posted on 06/08/2010

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I don't think you are a lazy SAHM for wanting help. My husband helps me when he gets home from work. He realizes that chores don't do themselves and those magical cleaning fairies keep skipping us. Moms need a break to because it takes more then just the physical work, its really emotional. If he has no job then yeah I feel he really should be contributing. If taking care of the kids and house isn't enough to deserve some appreciation then what is.... sitting on the couch like he is with no job. My husband tried the you don't do anything gag on me and it back fired when I stopped doing everything. If he is going to say I don't do it then I wont. It didn't take him long before he realized just what I do everyday for all of us. Good luck!

Rachel - posted on 06/08/2010

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Hi!! I understand how you feel and yes you definitely deserve special treatment on Mother's day, but nagging to get it is not the way to go. Men hate when we nag. My husband is not that big on making mother's day, valentine's day..etc big days and at first I would get upset because it seemed that if I didn't mention them he would just forget all about them. Some guys are just like that. I would suggest talking to your husband ahead of time and just letting him know that a day like that is important and if you got a breakfast in bed or flowers or chocolate that would really just make your day. I still sometimes wish my husband would just surprise me, but he's not like that. So if I let him know ahead of time that I would really enjoy something...hint hint...then he knows what to do or get me and I'm not hurt that the day went by and he didn't do anything for me. Some guys just want you to tell them exactly what you want and while that is not all that romantic, it saves a lot of frustration and hurt down the road. As far as helping out around the house, you need to let him know how much you will appreciate it, instead of just telling him to do this or do that. Also talk with him and find out what he would rather do. Instead of telling my husband to wash the dishes I'll give him a choice and ask if he would rather wash the dishes or bath our son? He likes it much better that way because he doesn't just feel like I'm bossing him around. My mother was also a SAHM and my Dad worked all day and would come home and wash the dishes, play with us kids, spend time with her....but he was a rare find and didn't really like sports, or tv or video games....my husband loves playing on the computer, but he also loves me and he will do something that I ask because he likes for me to be happy. So you have to just take what you have and make the best of it. But it's always helped us when we talk about things so my husband knows where I'm coming from. Hope that helps...!!

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