need some advice....am i taking it too far??

Chrissy - posted on 06/23/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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this is in relation to another thread,"just need to get this off my chest", (that one i was venting) this is something i would like to hear your views on as im abit confused atm.........
I have a 16yr old daughter that doesnt live with me (i had cancer for 5yrs and needed her to go to a good family(that she has) i keep in contact we see each other all the time she has just asked to be adopted by them which is wonderful although the foster parents are abit hestitant(another story) im all for it as we have a strong bond so i think it would be good for her,she didnt go to any of my family as i dont consider them my family......anyway i do not comunicate with my mother and do not wish too,my problem is now my daughter is starting to talk to my sister which i have just accepted(had to email my sister to tell her not to come and go in her life etc..... the next step is her wanting to know my mother her grandmother which is a inappropiate name for her as she hasnt been a mother to us three kids......i have been thinking and deep down i know i might be taking it too far but i feel if my daughter was to become friends with my mum on fb i would have to delete my daughter as i do NOT want my mother to know anything about my life as she kicked me out on the streets when i was 12yrs and never bothered with me since i would explain to my girl why but i know she isnt going to like that and i dont want to set a pathetic example for my daughter either i just cant get my head around this right now just keep coming back to NOT wanting my mother to know NOTHING. am i within my right to ask my daughter in respect of me and whats happened that she have nothing to do with her or do i just make sure i do what it takes to make sure my mother doesnt see my life??

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Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2011

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I think your daughter has a right to talk to her grandmother. I know you don't consider her that, but your daughter sees things differently. If you don't want your mother to be able to see anything on your facebook, just change all your privacy settings to friends only.

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I would be honest with your daughter. She needs to know how you feel, but you cant make her not talk to her...thats the problem with social media

Christy - posted on 06/23/2011

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Chrissy, I don't think you should group the family drama with the possible adoption of your oldest to another family. They're two separate issues.

As for your daughter wanting to know your mother, I think it would be appropriate to be perfectly honest with your daughter about the situation you were in as a child and exactly how your mother treated you. In my opinion, she has a right to know why you and your mom don't have a good family relationship.

I see a possibility of two things happening should your mother and daughter meet and become friends. One, your mother realizes that this girl is the child you were pregnant with at 15 and shuns her, treating her as badly as you were treated. Or, your mother's heart may be softened by becoming friends with your daughter and your daughter may be the key to reuniting the family.

Once you tell your daughter how you were treated, let her decide if she wants to meet grandma.

Chrissy - posted on 06/23/2011

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it was my daughter i was pregnant with at the time and now have a handsome little boy who turned one last weekend and just found out i have another one on the way :) Which is also why i dont want any stress right now with all this and come to here for some other thoughts :)
i dont think i could ever talk to her but if she was to make the effort with me i might but it would just bring up so much emotions in me (espeacially with the hormones flying aroung atm!) i really wouldnt want her back in my life as i have a happy life now without her and her crap.....
im going to call my daughters foster parents on weekend and just have a chat and explain some things and see what happens from there i wont stop my daughter from knowing her but i will do what i can to make sure she knows nothing about my life.

Katherine - posted on 06/23/2011

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That's terrible Chrissy. You were young, you made a mistake, but now you have a beautiful child. Now I understand a bit more. Is your daughter the one you were pregnant with? Or do you other children?
I would talk to your mom if you can and explain that what's done is done. Your past does not define you.
Now you are older and wiser. I can't believe she wanted you to abort!!!
On another note, I don't know that I would want to have anything to do with her either.

Chrissy - posted on 06/23/2011

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i wish i knew why my mother holds onto things from the past but i dont and did try for years to change her view on me but it just wont because i fell pregnant at 15yrs old she wiped me clean from my family and she loves to tell everyone how much i embarresed her by doing so........ there is so much my mother holds onto we are italian background and doing what i did is just not on and nothing will fix it cause its unfixable according to my mum i had a choice to get rid of the baby and i wouldnt so my mum disowned me and when i try to talk to others in the family the responses i get is have you spoken to your mother and sorted things out? untill then we cant talk to you...... what more can i do??? just get on with my life without them cause that isnt healthy...
i cant forgive her for wanting me to get rid of my baby just to make her look good.........

Katherine - posted on 06/23/2011

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It's not fair of you to ask her to have nothing to do with her. As I stated before if it was something from 20 years ago why is she holding onto it?
You need to do what's in your DAUGHTERS best interest. Your mother shouldn't know anything about your life on FB if your not friends with her. And if you're that worried just block her so she can't see your posts or information.

I don't know, you're in a tough situation.

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