no identity...please help!

Jennifer - posted on 01/19/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )




When i got prego with my first I was 21 and prego with my second I was 22. I was in college and feel like I never had the chance to find myself. I also went through a very bad marriage where my now ex-husband spent most of his time in jail. When I met my husband everything was great (still is), but everything also included the kids. I know that I am more than just someone's mom, but I don't know who I am. How do I find myself? We now have 3 kids and are trying for a 4th. I am so scared because Iknow someday they will grow up and leave and then I am stuck alone with no identity. Sometimes I think being a SAHM makes these feelings worse, but I never want to leave my kids. Am I alone on this?


Tara - posted on 01/19/2010




I feel that way also. When I was in highschool I had a lot of friends and came and went as I pleased. I had my son when I was 19 and my daughter when I was 20. I'm also a stay at home mom and very rarely get out of the house. I feel as though I don't know who I am anymore. My whole life has changed, and I don't know what it's like to be me anymore. My whole day consists of me caring for my children and the house. I'm unsure of how to find myself. It's nice to know I'm not the only one!


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jennifer, your identity is that of a loving mother, what is more noble in the world? in this day and age, a mother who puts the needs of her kids FIRST is looked upon as a victim of some sorts, that she is oppressed? staying at home with your children, is the hardest most rewarding job ever, but you may not see the end results until your are a grandma! make sure to take time for self-care, when the kids are put to bed.....take a bath, home facials, some ritual for pampering yourself.

Cyndi - posted on 01/19/2010




I do believe we all feel like at some point. But, you seem to have had a lot going on which certainly suggests you haven't had a lot of time to figure things out for yourself. I think what has helped me is making sure I have a little bit of a life without my children and husband. Of course they almost take up my entire world, but I do try to make room for myself. I am lucky enough to be able to go to the gym. This has helped me tremendously because I feel stronger than ever more confident and I get a break in my day from the kiddos (using the kids daycare) and it has helped me feel content with myself. I know this isn't always practical (and won't always be for me either) but mabe you could find a friend who could switch off play dates a few times a week to give you a moment to exercise at home even, or just walks if the weather is nice. It gives you enough time with yourself to be IN THE MOMENT!! Don't forget dates with your husband. Treat eachother as if you're boyfriend/girlfriend to keep it alive!!!!

Jessica - posted on 01/19/2010




We all feel like that at some point and I can understand why you would since you became a mom so young! It's hard when you are either someone's wife or someone's mother, but all I can tell you is to try to find something that you enjoy outside of the family. Take a class, join a club, go to the gym, something to get away for a little while. I know that's not always possible due to finances, etc. I was struggling with my identity while my son was younger but did meet some moms thru a playgroup and preschool that my son was involved in and made some great friends. Even if it's someone you talk to on the phone twice a week it helps!

I never want to leave my kids either but I know that someday they will leave me and, I agree, it's scary. I don't really know who I am either but part of me is looking forward to finding out someday.

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