Normal or not normal?

Nayuribe - posted on 09/27/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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i don't know what's normal and what's not normal anymore! been with my bf for almost 6 ys, we have 2 daughters, ages 4 and 2. he's always been a little jelous, i found it sweet at the begining, it meant that he actually cared about me and wanted me to be safe. it's gotten worse over the ys, if i wear make-up "who are u wearing make-up for? change your top, it's too revealing" etc.
yesterday i found out one of my teachers from highschool had died, he was THE BEST teacher i have ever know, i wanted to go to the wake, after i put the girls to bed. i didn't want to take the bus at 9 pm, so i asked a friend who lives near by if i could catch a ride with him (he was also going to the wake). when i told my bf this, he FLIPED OUT!! "why are you going out with a guy i don't know?!" hot date at a wake right?? i just didn't understand where it all was coming from. i even got a little scared.
so, am i right to find what he did weird, or was i wrong to catch a ride with a guy he doesn't know? what is normal?

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Kahlynn - posted on 09/28/2011

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This doesn't sound like a good situation. Were you guys planning on getting married, as you said he is your BF? Is there any reason why you don't work? part-time? I know the economy is horrible but that could be an option to help you become financially independent. It sounds like he has some major issues that probably stem from childhood. A man should not dictate to his woman what she should or shouldn't wear. It's one thing if he were a fashion guru and had a keen eye for fashion, it's another thing to control what you should wear, how you should look. The signs were there from the beginning, but when we are in love we over look the obvious. Remember a man will treat you how you ALLOW him to treat you. You must put your foot down and express to him EXACTLY how you feel and that his actions are beginning to frighten you. If he is not willing to change then you must be willing to change. You cannot live in fear in a relationship. Especially since there are children involved.

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2011

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Does he work? I know it's really hard asking for help from your folks but the path your BF is headed down is obvious.
If there is a time where you can talk with your parents about kicking him out, where he will not even overhear, the sooner the better.
Get this boy away from you and your girls! Apply for food stamps (tell them it's an emergency, then it should only take a couple of days to get approved once you get the app finished) & TANF then get a job. You will most likely still be eligible for the food stamps even after you get a job. You & your girls safety is more important than anything right now and I would be VERY shocked if it were not the most important thing to your parents too.
Men like this tend to make things "seem" better if they get the slightest hint that you might be leaving. This makes you doubt your resolve to end the relationship and they are back to being in control.
You would be surprised how much parents notice. If you all live near them they are probably just worried about saying something and losing touch with you and their sweet granddaughters over an argument.
"I don't believe in counseling" often means "I don't want either of us to go".
Not having $ for ice cream will happen sometimes, but not having $ for medicine is not acceptable. He should be willing to do ANYTHING to keep those girls healthy.
Denikka asked a VERY important question. Would you want your daughters treated like this?

LEAH - posted on 09/29/2011

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I definitely agree with the other ladies. It sounds like his controlling tendencies are heading towards abuse. You can never be too careful. Sounds like he has some insecurity issues and that is not something you can help him with. If he will not even consider therapy you might seriously need to ask yourself some questions. Can you continue to live like that? I wouldn't put up with that for one minute. Ge yourself a job if at all possible. There is no way I would depend on a man that is that controlling for my financial needs. Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Stand up for yourself and do not allow him to treat you that way! Good luck!

Meg - posted on 09/29/2011

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I suggest having your parents watch the kids and then talk to him. He is being controlling and abusive. It starts out small and then turns into physical abuse. You need to stand up for yourself and your kids. Tell him that you demand he gets couciling or you are gone. You don't need to stick around and see how long it takes for him to beat you into submission. There are 800 numbers for woman that are being abused, call and ask them what to do.There are also shelters that you can stay at while you get a job and get back on your feet. Thankfully you are noticing now which means you know it is wrong and you still have your fighting spirit. Fight back for yourself and your children. He may be their father but he doesn't need to cause harm to you or them.

Denikka - posted on 09/27/2011

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Not normal, not acceptable. At ALL
Your hubby is showing abusive, controlling tendencies. If it's gotten worse as time goes on, it'll probably continue to get worse the longer it's left. You do NOT have to put up with this.
You have every right to wear makeup whenever you want. You have every right to dress however you want. And you have a right to have friends and go out with them.
Unless you have given him a reason not to trust you (aka cheated on him), there is no reason for him to freak out over you going to pay your respects to a beloved teacher. It's perfectly reasonable to catch a ride with someone else going the same way.

Reasonable is expressing concern, asking questions about this person.
Things like a casual conversation about how you know this guy, maybe suggesting your ride come in for a coffee before you head off to the wake. Or even volunteering to go with you (to be supportive)
What is NOT acceptable is interrogating you, putting you down, flipping out, making accusations, and SCARING you.
The most important thing is to ask yourself:
Would you be okay with someone treating your daughters the way that he treats you?

If the answer is no (and I hope it is) then you need to do something about it.
Start with talking, suggest counseling (individual and together), it'll probably be good for both of you. But you should acknowledge that if he decides NOT to work on the problem, then you may need to make some very hard decisions for your and your daughters' safety. Abuse is usually progressive. And he seems to be heading down that path.

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Nayuribe - posted on 10/03/2011

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thank you lisa! i'm actually living at my parents old house, so i'd just need to ask their help kicking out, when the time comes, i don't wanna be asking my parents for money to feed myself, as soon as i can manage to feed myself, i'll make the decision that has to be made. i know he will give me money for the girls, i'd just have to be able to take care of myself moneywise. i'm still trying to get a job, hopefully i will find something soon

Lisa - posted on 10/03/2011

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Hi Nayuribe, you need to get out, NOW! I was in an abusive relationship that, in the beginning, sounds exactly like what you are describing. He became verbally abusive, then physically abusive. I put up with it for 15 years and 2 kids. Until my 8 year old told me she was never going to get married because she didn't want someone to be mean to her like her Daddy was mean to me! That woke me up and I got out!
Luckily, I had a very supportive sister who took me and my girls in with her until I could afford to live on my own. Hopefully, you have someone who will help you now too. I will be thinking of you and hoping you are okay.

Nayuribe - posted on 10/02/2011

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thank you ladies for all the input!!! it's eye opening! i'm glad to report that i am following my instincts, i need to be able to support my self before i even think of anything else, that is my # 1 priority right now, i am trying to get a job, 2 ys ago i started that process, within 3 days of applying i got a job, a good paying one! then found out i was pregnant with daughter # 2.
this time NOTHING will stop me! i am my own worst enemy, if i don't do this for myself NOW, it'll never happen and will end up losing any mental sanity i do have left!!! i am motivated, even my girls want me to get a job, even though it means less mommy time for them. i think they also understand how important this is, i need to show them how a woman can stand on her own 2 feet!!! i want to be someone they can look up too and be proud of.

Nayuribe - posted on 09/27/2011

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he doesn't believe in counseling, i did a fair share while in highschool, and know it's works, i would like to go for myself atleast, maybe a need help finding some kind of center point to be able to tell when something is normal or not. 7 ys ago i was so sure of myself, never second guessing my actions or words, impulsive even. i'm working towards finding a job so i'm not so dependent of him, i can't get the girls and icecream cone with out asking him for money, and i know THAT'S not normal.

Christy - posted on 09/27/2011

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NOT NORMAL AT ALL. Sorry. It sounds like you saw slight warning signs in the start of your relationship, and as in all controlling behavior, it get's worse over time if it is not fixed through therapy, etc. Run far far away.

Adrienne - posted on 09/27/2011

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For sure NOT normal. Your husband needs to respect the fact that not only are you a partner and mother, you are your own woman. He needs to trust you to build relationships and friendships outside your relationship, or you cannot build a strong relationship. It is important to communicate to him how his actions make you feel.

Nayuribe - posted on 09/27/2011

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and today my parents offered to buy the girls their meds and some dog food, we can't afford either right now, we have to wait till his pay-day, he got mad when i asked if it was ok if they got the stuff. his mom gives him money all the time and buys food for us even when we don't need it, and that's fine with him. "your parents don't do it to help us, they do it rub it in my face, that i can't afford that shit right now, and THEY can! i don't wanna ow them money EVER!"

my parents do it to help out obviously, i didn't understand why the hell i had to explain their intentions to him. "no one can get shit for my family but me!" well, too bad, cuz i told my parents they could help us, why do my girls have to wait for their meds? and the poor dog will starve to death before he can get her some food! don't know if I'M going crazy or him!

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